One thing of which I’ve aimed to do with the last few blog posts is not treat them as “interviews” but a proper, in depth chat. I feel like I’ve achieved that with the people I’ve spoken to who have their own individual stories to tell.
There is however one thing they all have in common, they all have found the necessary courage to firstly seek help when they needed it the most and secondly find the strength to open up and talk about their experiences.
The person I’ve spoken to this week definitely falls under both these factors. I’ve known Ross for the best part of 10 years and his journey has been nothing short of inspirational. Only until a year ago, I thought of him as a confident person with nothing that could faze him. But like many of us, Ross was fighting his own battles.
You’ve spoken about how difficult environments can have a major impact on a person’s mental wellbeing. Why do you think that is?
There are many different environments as we all know, whether it’s at home, school work etc and they all have different effects on us. If those environments are toxic often they will have an impact upon people’s mental health. Toxic environments will very often facilitate “drama triangles”
Within drama triangles there are 3 different protagonists, A) the persecutor, who will use blame, shame, guilt and project those feelings on to B) the victim. Who often internalises these emotions and feels victimised by the intended persecutor. The final part of the triangle is C) The rescuer. They feel obliged to help the victim, offer support and guidance in whatever way because it makes them feel good or they feel the need to be seen for doing good things.
The drama triangle is very much linked to the “trauma triangle”. Event/behaviour, trigger and re-experiencing. Re-experiencing situations can be traumatic for us. In toxic environments often these drama/trauma triangles are pretty much relentless. They keep going on and are very hard to get out of.
In a positive environment, the triangles tend to be “empowerment triangles” or coaching triangle where the roles are learner, facilitator and teacher.
I would also like to bring forward the “Power Threat Meaning” framework. It’s a new outlook on mental health which has been studied by many different psychologists. What they find is that there is a culture of over-diagnosis and misdiagnosis. So they could just say, this is what’s wrong with this person and send them on their way without taking time to properly study the person and understand their issues. I
It’s trying to slow down these over/misdiagnoses and also promote that people will adopt survival strategies when they’re going through difficult experiences and situations.
For me, I had a really good upbringing with a strong family background. I did have some problems in Primary School with bullying and I managed to get through it. You also sadly go through other bad experiences such as losing family members.
It’s a very tough thing to go through as a child but as you get older, you pick up things to adapt and eventually overcome these difficult situations. The power threat meaning framework identifies that from these sort of experiences you pick up so called survival techniques. It could be anything such as flight, fright, flop and freeze for you to adopt as your survival strategy. it’s all about how you manged to survive experiences where there was a negative operation of power. When someone is abusing their power (employer, teacher, partner etc), the survival techniques kick in to help you cope against this negative factor.
How did you find that all of these factors had an impact on you?
The hardest part was adjusting to a change from a positive to a toxic environment. Of course, you don’t know it’s going to be that way when you arrive and I had a bit of a gut feeling telling me ‘is this really right for me?”. But I saw opportunities to develop my career and eventually ended up moving into this environment.
I settled in after the first few weeks but then I gradually started to notice certain behaviours around me which didn’t sit right with me. I would start to recognise drama triangles and political battles were occurring around me. You try and stay away but often you get dragged in. My mentality was to take a step back, not get involved and try to concentrate on my work.
At this time, a huge factor for me was to support my partner. Her workplace is rewarding but extremely busy, conflict, chaotic and traumatic experiences are a regular occurrence. I moved into the new environment because I wanted day hours so I could be around her more and support her new career.
All of a sudden, we would both carry the burden of that workload into the house. In my case, the little bits of behaviour around me that was winding me up, I would carry into the house as well and as a result it would have an impact on our relationship. We’d be shorter with each other and because we had so much baggage from our professional lives we found we couldn’t fully support each other. So that just makes it harder even more frustrating.
It got a bit worse for us as we had a bit of a breakdown in the relationship and it was a case of us being determined to overcome this. All couples have their tough times but we were trying to work things out, however the stress from home made me less tolerant of the negative and difficult behaviours I would see at work.
What I started to realise was that I’d start to imitate those negative behaviours and was getting dragged into those drama triangles. Because it was common-place in that environment people didn’t seem to notice. I knew this wasn’t who I was but I would be shorter with people and far more assertive and authoritative. Which was not my style but it was my only way of stopping that transference of negative emotion and behaviours.
I would turn around and tell someone no and that I’m not having any of that. They’d reply with that I’m being unreasonable so I would argue that they’ve taken one step too far. That sort of behaviour was very unlike me and previously I’d try and calmly discuss the situation instead of arguing.
Obviously, I recognised my behaviour and had to let line management know that other factors were affecting me, including writing out an email how certain behaviours and ways of working were affecting my mental health. However, The triangles were everywhere, I was told that I just didn’t want to my job and I needed to accept where I was. My line manager who I trusted then fell sick and was off for a while. While my line manager was off I was brought in by the next in line of the hierarchy I was told that I was making excuses, then insinuated that my colleagues didn’t like me as they had complained about me and he wasn’t sure if I was bone idle or a born inspiration. I offered to run training to help with the behaviours but was told wasn’t my job and that I didn’t want this job just the next one I just wanted the next. I was then assigned a hefty piece of additional work on top of my current workload. So bare in mind that I’d opened up about my mental health and asked for support a lot of this floored me.
I tried to reach out and I’d encourage anyone to do so as when you realise you’re falling into that bad place, you have to talk to someone about it, but unfortunately I did to the wrong person. Over the years my learned survival strategy was to stand up or speak out and I tried to do so in what I thought was a positive way by sharing my learning through writing. But again, in a toxic environment people take things the wrong way, misunderstand and misinterpret what you’re saying. As I began to process a lot of what had been said, I began to feel angry and I became further intolerant of the negative behaviours around me.
I’d try and stay out of the drama triangles but I couldn’t help but be sucked into them. With the personal struggles I was going through I recognised that I started going down a negative thinking cycle and when I look back was I stuck in a drama cycle between colleagues and management. Reflecting on the situation, I recognise there appeared to be a lot of manipulative behaviour. Asking for help leaves you vulnerable to this, but I was struggling and had to have faith that talking to someone would work.
I would start to have sly digs from colleagues and other people, things suggesting I thought that I was better than others etc. I’ve always been a confident guy because and wasn’t going to let things like this to get me down. However, the things that were said to me played on my mind, paranoia started to creep in and I didn’t want to drag others into it but they would be. Even though I thought it was unfair I reflected on what I was told and tried to make more of an effort with colleagues and began to overwork myself to prove that I wasn’t bone idle and valuable to the team. A meeting then occurred where I felt I was ridiculed in front of customers. At that point I went into survival mode because I reached the end of my tether, my window of tolerance completely disintegrated.
I’d been called names, made fun of and in turn I had lost faith and trust in those within that environment. My survival mechanism was to speak out so I did, I spoke out about the things that had gone on, openly criticized those displaying that behaviour and I put one or two things on social media which I was really disappointed with myself. it was because I was in a bad place I wasn’t thinking straight, I recognise people could have interpreted that wrongly and it may have impacted on their behaviour towards me. t became so bad that I would listen to heavy music on full volume to pump myself to go to into that environment because I knew it would be a tough slog. Pearl Jam was my favourite listening at the time!
I finished the extra work and started to feel a bit more valuable, but my by now my trust and faith was gone, I started to close my-self off from people because I didn’t want anything I said to be misinterpreted. I was told that anything I said would or did got back to management. I then had my one to one with the person who called me in, it was evident that these drama triangles were real, I was told words that will echo with me forever, that basically there was something was wrong with me, before stating that he always gets what he wants And that giving me that extra piece of work would pretty much be the only thing that saves me.
I was gobsmacked but again not surprised having recognised the battles and drama triangles. When I got home all I could think about is what he said to me. Was I going to get the sack? There were so many doubts in my head, I knew I was struggling but all these behaviours just kept reinforcing the paranoia that crept in.
I was trying to remain positive and thought I could shrug it off but I was stuck with intrusive and involuntary thoughts. I was up all night overthinking so I came to the conclusion that going into work early was a good idea as some people where still off on sick or holidays. My next mistake was that I bought a litre of Red Bull so I went in at 7am, an hour and half early. I’d had no food, less than an hours sleep and was drinking a litre of energy drink.
I had a phone call from a colleague who was in a massive panic on her way into work. This was over a dying animal, I tried to help but and then realised it was out of my control before bluntly walking away. I returned to the office, awash with panic, and a vast amount of emotions trying to process everything. I recognised that I was unwell and recognised my part in the drama triangles jumping between all three roles.I recognised that I had become rescuer/persecutor and then it dawned on me that yesterdays one to one the person was acting as my persecutor and rescuer. My brain was racing. I was mentally exhausted but my brain was running on energy drink and redbull definitely gives you wings! I stood up and shouted for help. When you’re stressed out in that situation your body and brain shuts down, you look for help and people try to help and but they also want instant answers, which you can’t give because your in and out of consciousness and still processing everything.
The French call Anxiety the What if disease, and what went through my mind was the relentless cycle of “what if” scenarios. All of this came over me like a rush and it overwhelmed me. I was in a mass panic. I thought I hurt other people as I felt that I had imitated the behaviour and become the persecutor. The impact of the stress on my brain made me overthink things like ‘what if my line manager is off sick because of me, what if the impact of my stress has caused my line manager to take their own life. However, it didn’t come out like that. I kept saying in mass panic “I’ve killed my line manager.”
I literally didn’t who I was. I had a crisis of identity, I thought I was the people I recognised as persecutors because I began to imitate that behaviours. The behaviours which I believe lead to this moment and partly caused this episode. It got worse, I thought I’d killed my partner because of the breakdown in our relationship and my old butty ‘anxiety and what if? Was telling me what if she committed suicide because of the impact of my stress.and behaviour.
This outburst was a cry for help but also because I felt trapped. I was taken to hospital but it doesn’t get better because they put you in a room and they question you, they want instant answers and my brain was like a rocket with my words about four day behind. I didn’t know where I was but when they were asking me the questions I kept bringing up events from my past. It was a massive cycle of what ifs the key thing processing threat of the what if I’m not strong enough to support and look after my family. I wasn’t anywhere near thinking straight so coherent and clear answers were a long way off.
They were asking me if I felt suicidal and of course I felt fucking suicidal.
I was giving them answers from the back of my mind like a random scene selection, like a puzzle where your just throwing random pieces. I was in and out of consciousness.
I recognise now that the the bottom line of my breakdown was that I had internalised guilt, blame, shame was experiencing anger, disappointed, grief, sadness all in one. I was dealing with a fear of abandonment and the reality of it was I needed physical and psychological safety, I needed my family. I found out Maslows hierarchy of needs is without doubt real and many of our behaviours are driven by the need for physical and psychological safety.
My family hadn’t been contacted until I was on the way or at the hospital. If my family was in the room with me they’d have been able to help to recognise some of the pieces/secnes I was saying and maybe gained some substance and clarity with my answers because I was in no clear state on my own. Also, the person who took me over there was my colleague who went into panic that morning and I think my unconscious mind knew there was a lack of trust there from the things that had been said previously so I was unable to be fully truthful and didn’t want to facilitated further triangles.
It was absolute nuts, surreal, frightening and one of the most horrible experiences of my life. But when you have a breakdown, your family and friend the people who know the real you and who know you better are able to help you recover find yourself again.
How did the recovery process help you reflect and understand your personal struggles?
I spent 4 days at Royal Glamorgan Hospital under the care of the crisis team in the mental health unit and 2 weeks under the crisis team at home. When you’re in there, you’re surrounded by constant drama with people who’re in similar or worse situations, lots of the people had experienced trauma so it was a very difficult process. I realised what I said but knew I couldn’t take it any of it back, even if most of it was a load of crap.
There’d be times where I thought I was hearing things, because I was listening to Pearl Jam a lot, I thought I could hear them in my head but it was the guy in the next room playing it. I just kept thinking I was crazy. There’d be some moments of strength where I’d feel rested and of course I’d be on some medication to help me challenge it.Luckily I tell my family everything so when the dr’s thought I was talking crap those who knew me knew what I was on about. During those 4 days I come round and opened up about the whole situation and what was really bothering me, but even then I was still reluctant to fully talk because the paranoia made me feel like I was being watched. A lot of it was letting go of things beyond my control.
I got home and focused on things like my relationship with my partner and like before my breakdown, things were going really well. We were thinking about trying for a baby, we now have a beautiful baby, we went on holidays and it was a fantastic time to recover.
The short dose of tablets did wonders and I had some great advice from my doctor who told me that if I was struggling I’d have to make a change and to walk away from the things that made me unhappy. At this point I was starting to analyse my breakdown. The two weeks before it, I graduated from university, I stopped my exercise, stopped playing football all of these were coping mechanisms which went out of the window. I stopped talking to people like friends and family because I felt like I was creating drama triangles and I was becoming a burden. I was isolating myself and when I reflected on this with my counsellor we found that I really struggled to cope without my family.
When I was in the hospital, I realised that not everyone will have that family connection so that was a massive thing for me, the support they gave me was unbelievable.
As I recovered I went back to the environment , during my welfare interview I tried my hardest not to blame anybody as I recognised my own part in the triangles but you also have to say your peace otherwise it would eat you up. I still believe that the people in that environment were good people and they were just caught up in these triangles.
One thing that they did mention in the meeting which got to me was that they implied that my family didn’t care about me, this wasn’t the case at all. It seemed to restart a drama triangle and I began to re-experiencing everything. Later on because I appeared to not be myself again I had an advocate given to me as he was there for my breakdown, he pulled me in reminded me that my breakdown was all about my issues and that he googled my tablets and told me that they were for people bipolar etc. I felt like I was being labelled, people have their own biases and I felt like a diagnosis was being put on me. I don’t blame people, mental health is so complex it’s sometimes easier to understand and rationalise.
So once again was in this triangle but I was determined not play any role, but when people want answers it’s so hard. So again I shutdown from communicating with people only using yes or no’s. Not long after that I was medically suspended from work. I felt as if a narrative was being pushed on me, confirmation bias is where someone uses their bias to fit a theory and I felt that’s what was happening. I never returned to that environment and I feel all the better for it.
I read Tyson Fury’s autobiography after Christmas and he speaks about how he was rushed to hospital similarly to me thinking people were out to hurt him, the doctors put it down as a panic attack. This gave me comfort and helped me realise that this can happen to anyone. Sometimes a series of unfortunate events which will impact on our mental health massively, the perfect storms that cause our ships to topple, in the end all we want is what we care for the most, for my it was family. I cried out for help and I’m so glad that I got it. Even if it got worse before it got better.
How difficult did you find it in talking to someone?
For me, I’ve never really found it difficult in talking to someone. I do find it as a form of therapy. However, I do find in myself at noticing issues with my mental health and being honest with myself.
The thing that was difficult for me was when I spoke up, I wasn’t believed. Going back to being told I was bone idle and full bullshit excuses etc. It was that lack of empathy that led me to become angry and go down a much darker path and unfortunately spiral deeper.
I know lots of people find it difficult in opening up and my advice would be that to make sure that it’s a trusting environment and that if you do speak up, you did with someone you trust who will support you. There are loads of good people out there.
Why do you think there is a stigma associated and in particular men’s mental health?
Mental health is a minefield and it’s so difficult to understand, you could look at culture and tradition. We’ve both been brought up in Valleys towns and going over the years the men would go off to work and be expected to look after their families. They’d be the main breadwinners and now things are changing for the better in terms of equality.
There’s still this expectancy that you have be strong and not show any weakness. Now in my case, I feel I have to show strength as I’m now a father and have a family to look after. This isn’t just in particular for men, it’s the same for women and with groups who’ve experienced disadvantage. Look at the Black Lives Matter movement. Statistics show that people from BAME communities will be more likely to develop issues with their mental wellbeing, surely this isn’t a coincidence and it’s often the impact of prejudice, discrimination and oppression.
The same goes for a person from a disadvantaged background compared to a wealthy one. We talk about mental health being non-discriminatory, but in some ways it is. There’s a lot there to think about and it’s mainly linked into generational and historical aspects as men didn’t speak out in the past because they may have been labelled as weak.
You also have the other side of the coin where you have expectations put in your head by others who’d say things like “you cant have mental health issues. You have a good job, a decent car on the drive, you’ve got everything” and It most certainly doesn’t work like that either.
We’ve made some massive steps but expectations on what a man should be are still entrenched with our communities and being open sometimes can be shown as a weakness and show yourself as an outcast in some ways. Some aspects are more difficult for men to let go of than others but it is gradually changing.
What do you wish was more well known about mental health?
I wish that the Power Threat Meaning framework of which I’ve previously discussed was more well known. As people we’re complex systems and have adaptable ways to survive. The framework is pivotal in showing that.
It’s easy for people to talk about being non judgmental and not to label others. A lot of the time, people do it without realising it and I think it’s still a big problem that needs addressing. There’s a certain state of circumstances that could effect someone and we need to be aware of that.
After everything that happened with me, I kind of flipped the narrative, the narrative being driven on me was that I wasn’t resilient enough to cope with all things I was doing. But I understand that those struggling with mental health are often the most resilient among us and it’s often because of the difficulties people face in life. It’s not about being weak or attention seeking.
Be careful of stereotypes and the stigma. Being less judgmental and thinking of the Power Threat Meaning will help a lot of us understand the circumstances a lot more.
You’ve always come across as confident when it comes to your singing. What changes did you notice following the events which occurred?
Before my breakdown I joined a choir which I found was really helping me. It was a great environment and singing has been proven to have high positive effects on mental health. Actually when I come out of hospital we were in a competition so it gave me something to push myself towards which i also enjoyed.
I’ve been my own worst enemy in terms of self criticism and since I’ve been easier on myself since. Whilst before I could be a bit of an all or nothing kind of thinker. You realise after a breakdown that nobody can take your achievements away from you and you should be proud.
In the past, singing whether it’s a choir or band was a coping mechanism. When you’re not doing the things you enjoy, it has a negative effect on you.
Looking back on my old lyrics and seeing the topics I wrote about such as racism, self harm and other issues, challenging stigmas and problems seems to have been a recurrent theme in my music. I even reflected on my own personal struggles and even though some lyrics were extreme and morbid, it was a coping mechanism and a way of managing emotions.
Obviously, life has changed for now and I’d be happy to get up and sing again. When I’m ready to, I will and I’ll have to confidence and self-belief to do it.
What sort of techniques and activities help you in difficult situations?
Different things work for different people. Exercise helps me massively as does just relaxing by watching a film, TV show or reading a book. It’s not about avoiding your problems but easing your mind and causing the overthinking to ease so you can relax and do something you enjoy.
Obviously, we’ve been in lockdown and i haven’t been able to play football but that is something I find that helps me as well as riding the bike. It’s about getting yourself up and about whilst enjoying it at the same time. Once you’ve had the experience, you learn about all these things and how it benefits you physically and mentally.
When I started isolating myself, I stopped doing things I enjoy and it does have a more negative effect on you. I felt I disassociated myself from the stuff I loved doing and pretty much hated my life. It’s all about bouncing back, I remember playing one game in pre season and it felt like an out of body experience. The old saying is that you’re 3 yards off the pace but I felt like I was on a different planet. Thankfully I’m in a much better place, I’m enjoying myself and back picking up yellow cards for being a terrible footballer again.
Tying into that, you’re back playing football and you’ve done a triathlon. When you’re back in a routine of a training regime, how does it benefit you?
When you’re struggling with stuff, you’ll have a build-up of anger, sadness and other negative thoughts and feelings. You don’t know what to do and become overwhelmed with emotion. Doing these exercises means you can channel these emotions into something positive. You can get on a field and be aggressive without losing control and have banter with teammates.
I’m passionate in everything I do, and when you do these exercises you use the passion and extra energy for good. Plus at the end of it you’re more likely to be more tired and won’t lie in bed overthinking. It’s a positive cycle of managing things. Exercise is proven to do positive things in releasing the endorphins. It’s such a good cycle.
When I went through a phase where I wasn’t exercising it had the opposite effect. So now I realize that I can be positively exhausted in a mental and physical way. It’s true when they say it’s as good for the mind as it is for the legs.
To finish up, what would you say to someone who is struggling and doesn’t know if talking about it is the right thing to do?
My honest answer is that taking about it is the absolute right thing to do. You’ve got to be brave and ask for help and identify what you need help with. Do it in an environment where you trust and won’t be judged with people who will replace negativity with positivity.
I’d like to flip it a bit where it’s aimed at the people on the other end. I advise that if it’s a professional capacity like the workplace, support them and have things in place which can help them support better. It’s the three key things, empathy, understanding and positivity.. Listen to what they’re saying instead of picking certain things. Context is key and in my experience I was still processing a lot of bad thoughts because I wasn’t being listened to.
Speak up, go to someone you trust where you feel comfortable. Once you do that, the positive results that will follow are endless and will help you in so many ways.
I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t find my conversation with Ross emotional. Even whilst reading over the conversation to type it up for the blog, I was genuinely moved by his story. To be in such a difficult circumstances would have a negative effect on a lot of people, but Ross did find the strength at determination to bounce back and he’s never looked back.
I’m so happy that he and his partner now have a beautiful baby. Ross is also still very much active with his exercise and is looking into renewing his singing activities again. I have no doubt that the good times will keep coming his way as he’s such a good guy and one of the most positive and thoughtful people I know.
Massive thanks once again to those who’ve read this week’s post. If you can relate to Ross’ story, I hope like him you find the strength to realise you’re better than those who’re holding you down and people appreciate you for who you are.
There are some links below related to the Power Threat Meaning and drama triangles topics which have been covered in this post incase people would like to read more information about them.
Please stay safe, take care and until next time, I’ll see you later!
The Triangle of Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor – What It Is and How to Get Out.
Click to access PTM%20Overview.pdf
MIND OVER NOISE 