Throughout my time doing this blog, I’ve come across people who find solace and inspiration in many things to get through the difficult days. One thing that’s more common than others is music.

Whether it’s listening to your favourite songs or if you’re a musician yourself, for me there’s nothing quite like music in the world. We listen to it when we’re sad, happy, it triggers fond memories and we use it for special occasions. It’s also a huge coping mechanism in a creative way, via songwriting and performing.

I met Kyle David Smith through the ‘Sappenin Podcast’ Patreon group. A place where I’ve met many incredible people via a mutual love of rock music which has become such a safe haven and I’ve made some fantastic friends through it. Kyle is most definitely one of them and the more I got to know him, the more I wanted to tell his story.

Kyle is an accomplished musician and songwriter through his projects, Icantdie and Pay The Man. He also does the rounds as a covers artist under his real name and has a lifelong love of music. The reasons behind a lot of music is his battles with mental health which has spoken volumes via his songwriting.

Kyle was the first person I’ve actually interviewed for this blog in person. Until then, I had only conducted them via Zoom calls so we met up in a pub in Cardiff. Over a few beers we talked shop as he shared his stories and his battles in an incredibly honest way.

How important is music to you, especially in difficult situations?

Music is basically an escape and always has been for me. When it comes to writing music, it gives you that creative bubble that’s gives you a sense of purpose. It also shuts off things that’s been bothering you in the outside world and that inspiration is what drives you to keep going.

In some cases it can be a bit of a healer but at the same time it can be very hard work as well. For example, I have so much music that I’ve composed that I don’t have any lyrics for. On the flip side, I may have something I have lyrics for but don’t have the music to connect it to.

It’s all about putting in the work as well as having that drive and ambition to be creative. In terms of how important music to me, it’s an escape but a bit more than that. It’s hard to explain but when people say they have a purpose in life or that it’s all they have, it’s a bit different for me. It is the most interesting part of my life.

This is something I know that pushes me further and gives me so much ambition. I’m nearing my mid 30’s, but I still feel I have so much to achieve and we need that boost, that drive to keep at it. You don’t want to work in a dead end job that you hate, you can’t want that creative edge. It’s something that gets you out there and makes you different.

If I didn’t have the opportunity to do music, I’d have to rethink my entire life. That is such a detrimental process for me as in comparison it would be the same as a rugby player breaking their leg. They’d be stopped from doing what they love, and if I was in that position with music where I couldn’t write or perform, it would be a scary concept.

You would crumble and you can pick yourself up but I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. That creative, passionate part of yourself is what gives your life enjoyment so I encourage anyone to follow it whether it’s writing, performing or any other creative aspect.

Songwriting has often been described as “therapeutic”. Would you agree with this and how would you relate to this?

I totally agree and to elaborate on that, if you wish to talk about something or express your feelings about something that’s detrimental or that brings you joy via songwriting, it’s hugely therapeutic. It’s like you’re pouring out your soul into something.

I’ve written about a lot of crappy things as well as happy times in my life. It’s better than talking about in some ways. I do confide in people in a private setting when I’m in a bad place or I do sometimes reach out via a more public platform like Facebook.

However, in the song ‘Situationship’ where I wrote about something which happened to a friend of mine. The song is about him and a girl he liked where he was frustrated by certain aspects of the situation. He wasn’t very happy when I told him about it, but at the end of the day he was relieved that it was in the format of a song. It’s a way of telling a story whether it’s something serious, funny or even cynical.

Another example is the song I’m about to realise on April 1st which is called ‘Four Dumb Lines’. This is about pretty much every shitty thing that’s happened to me during lockdown. I hated working from home as it was such a frustrating and miserable time for me. It drove me mad and I nearly lost my job as it got way too harsh for me.

A customer was crying because her problem wasn’t getting sorted so I broke down because I couldn’t help her. That was destroying for me as I really did want to help her but couldn’t find a resolution to this problem. It got so bad afterwards that my girlfriend encouraged me to seek help but instead I started writing.

The lyrics that were created as a result of these feelings really due ring true for what I was trying to say. Depression, anxiety and other mental health conditions are jigsaw pieces that I’m trying to fit into my writing and of course it’s therapeutic for me. I want to basically tell a story from my perspective with both good and bad things in there.

That’s your voice and you’re not just complaining about things. You’re doing it in a way where people can enjoy and relate because it’s a creative outlet but also an art form as well. The most depressing points of my life can be told via a very happy sounding song that I’ve written. People can resonate with it and that’s a massive thing for musicians.

One of the best songs where mental health is portrayed is by an artist named Julien Baker. The song is called ‘Appointments’ and it’s one of my favourite songs ever but it’s so sad. It’s essentially about her going to see a doctor about her mental health and it spoke volumes to me. I’ve covered it a couple of times and the lyrics ring true where it sounds like she’s crying through the vocals whilst actually singing.

When the emotion and the vocal points hit, it makes you want to cry and it’s not the first song that’s made me feel that way. I can’t listen to certain tunes without crying like ‘She Loved Me’ by Randy Newman from the film ‘Toy Story 2’. It’s beautiful and it just makes me bawl. There’s many songs that makes you dance and be happy which is also therapeutic but that connection to music and lyrics is massive for sure.

When I was going through a tough time after my previous girlfriend cheated on me, I went through a really tough time but I wrote a lot of songs during that period. There was a song I wrote called ‘Banned For Life’ where she got banned from a club we both went to due to some reckless behaviour. I used as to relate it to the breakup.

It helped me because I’m not happy but it gives me the serenity where I can put it to bed. I’m proud of the songs I’ve written and I’m happy to talk about the topics as they’re my way of fighting against the negativity and shit times.

Apart from music, what do you find helpful in getting you through a difficult time?

Companionship is massive as talking to your loved ones or close friends is such a helpful tool to have in these difficult situations. I’ve come to a point where my friends have gotten married, had kids or have set up home with their partners but I’m still very close with them.

My girlfriend sometimes tells me that I know everyone but through doing music, it comes with the territory as you’re always meeting new people and building foundations. It’s a great thing and it has that point where you can mingle which then turns into a solid friendship.

During these tough times, these friends can help you and you can help them through their difficult periods as well. Those worries I have goes away once I’ve confided in my friends and I try to do that as much as possible. Even if they’re going through shitty times, it’s therapeutic for me to help them.

It makes me feel better knowing I’ve helped someone. I care about that person and don’t want to see them go through a tough period. We don’t want to feel depressed or anxious so if we can both get to a point where talking and supporting each other will help us towards a more positive mindset, I’m all for it and would be there in a heartbeat.

Another massive thing for me is exercise. Even if it’s just walking a mile day, it helps me. I’m very stubborn about it but at one point I just to run half marathons. I’m trying to get back to that stage as a depressive state caused me to stop running for a while.

I’m getting myself back out there and it gives me a massive boost. I won’t slim down straight away but it’s a process as well as a very therapeutic tool when I’m not feeling that good.

Gaming is something I go to and sometimes stay away from. It’s a universal and sometimes toxic in a way. I don’t mind the community aspect but it can go bad where insults and bullying can occur.

Gaming can be an escape where you can be someone else or enter a fantasy land. You can also concentrate on things like finish a mission or compete against your friends online but I don’t see it as something that can be a bit detrimental for mental health. I love gaming but as many good points it has, there are some bad ones too.

Work is another big coping mechanism. It helps as much as it sucks. In the job I do, I’m very constructive where I’m on the go and I’m very busy. It passes the time and it keeps you energised. Don’t get me wrong it is exhausting but that’s what helps you get through it and you can relax knowing you’ve done the best you can.

Ricky Gervais puts it best in show ‘After Life’ on Netflix. His character goes to work because that’s what is getting him out of bed in the morning as it’s giving him purpose. That and taking the dog for a walk is what’s helping through the darkest times. You’ve got to have a purpose in life to keep you going which is such an important factor.

What benefits have you found from being creative and what advice would you give to someone who’s struggling to “follow their passion”?

I see any piece of music I’ve released, whether it’s an album or single as a badge of honour. It’s something I’ve created and who doesn’t feel great when they see something they’ve created and worked from the ground up on a public platform?

Being creative like that makes you want to work harder when you see the results. Money of course is a massive factor and I never thought I could do an album but when I did the Pay The Man record, it was all me. I funded it myself, did all the instruments, bounced them all off and then sent them to a producer which he mixed himself.

I never thought it was possible but I wanted to believe that I could do this myself with no experience of putting an album together. The producer was so understanding and supportive with this project. As soon as the drums were recorded, I know how the rest of the pieces fitted together in this puzzle.

Once it was finished, it was such an amazing feeling to know that it was finished but it was something I made. I promoted the hell out of it but I knew it wasn’t going to be an overnight sensation but the effort and drive was always going to be there. I wanted to create something which I could sell at gigs. Some people say CD’s “aren’t cool anymore” but to know I have a physical copy of my music that someone can buy is just incredible.

Being creative on that front is such a massive benefit and it shows that anything can be possible if you work hard at it. One of my favourite quotes from the sitcom ‘Flight of the Conchords’ is “He says he doesn’t mind but I can tell he kinda minds, but I’m gonna do it anyway.” Just go for it!

If there’s any advice I can give to someone else who’s trying to follow their passion is to be stubborn with yourself. It’s the best thing I can say although in relation to music, many a promoter will hate you for it, trust me I know! That’s what I would advise anyone to do. Be annoying in the best way possible.

Once you’ve created what you want to create and you have that drive to show people, you just have to stick at it and keep promoting the hell out of it. When promoters say “I see people like you all the time.” Yeah that’s well and true but I’m different if you take the time to listen to what I’ve made.

One of the promoters that I’m friends with that I also annoy the hell out of, every time he puts a show on with no support acts, I send him a meme. It’s one of Salt Bae where he’s dropping the salt but I put either Pay The Man or Icantdie under the hand so it’s a different way of pushing it.

Even if you play the worst shows in the world in front of practically nobody, you still do it. I drove to London from Bridgewater to play as midday show to absolutely nobody but the bands who were on after me. Someone asked me to play and said yes because I wanted to. He wanted someone with determination and that guy was me.

You do what you’re asked to do and stick at it. Even when things seem shit, be stubborn, stick at it and you’ll see some benefits come through for sure.

Why do you think there is such a stigma associated with mental health, specifically with men?

Right, it’s a two parter as there’s a type of man where they think the idea of mental health is bullshit and it doesn’t effect them. That is stemmed from us being stuck in the ways of decades past where we had that mentality etched into us from our elders.

I can understand that because why would you think that you have an problem which deters you from functioning. This mentality pretty much makes us think that we are invincible and that’s not true at all. You don’t want something to stop you in your tracks or you don’t want an excuse to take pills that will help you in these times.

That’s not how we were brought, to think that it’s ok to admit we’re struggling. For me and I’m sure for many others, the idea of an “alpha male” is complete and utter bullshit. People still want to think they can push through or suppress their true feelings which again I can understand.

You don’t want to admit you’re ill, especially if there’s things that you want to do. They don’t want to admit that they’re unwell. It can’t be like Bruce Willis in the film ‘Unbreakable’ where he says that he’s never had a sick day, it just doesn’t work like that.

Unfortunately there are some people who abuse the system who take weeks off and I think that’s a factor too as some people will suppress their feelings of difficulty and pain because they don’t want people thinking they’re putting it on. I’m not saying everyone does but there are people who do and that’s a factor for sure.

Going back to the masculinity mentality, I was watching episodes of ‘Only Fools and Horses’ and they were saying things like “what do doctors know?” Now this was during the 80’s and 90’s but there’s still men with that mentality today. That is a very negative stigma on men as we don’t want to see that attitude towards people who do some amazing work.

There’s two types, there’s the ones who think it will never effect them or the ones who won’t believe the help that’s offered to them. I’m not saying everyone or nobody has mental health issues but you don’t have to suffer in silence anymore as there is no shame in admitting you need help.

You’ve got to accept the fact that this can happen. It doesn’t make you any less of a person or a man. You can still be a functioning person it just means that you’re human at the end of the day. Some people are not handling it well but there are many avenues to explore to help you.

Ignorance is bliss but that’s just how it is with the stigma and the more we push this message that this age old mentality is not the answer, the more we can help those effected by it.

What would you say to someone who is struggling and doesn’t know it talking about it is the right thing to do?

I’ve been thinking about this question for a while since you sent it to me and honestly I don’t feel I’m the best person to answer it. The reason being is that I feel I’m a statistic of that question due to me not wanting to talk about it.

This year especially, I’ve had my fair share of battles with my mental health. It got to the point where I was in floods of tears, was very angry and even considered doing something drastic which would have caused a lot of pain to those who care for me.

It’s been a very rough year and when it comes to talking to someone, the process is annoying and I don’t like it. That’s why music is important to me as that’s my coping mechanism and also my way of releasing my feelings. I’ve never been on medication or been referred to anything in terms of professional help such counselling and there’s important factors behind that.

I know it makes me look like a hypocrite because I’ve encouraged people to seek help but that’s due to me knowing that my means of coping is my doing me good. Not for one second would I say seeking professional help is bad thing as I would like to eventually find myself speaking to someone and taking that hand of help, but my imposter syndrome is a massive factor stopping me from doing that.

Honestly, I don’t feel somewhat eligible for that treatment. Because I’m a happy go lucky sort of guy who plays gigs and has a big social environment, it would feel like I’m abusing the system for seeking help. I did go to the doctors once and the process felt a bit condescending to be perfectly honest with you.

Now this isn’t a knock on any doctors as I know they have a code or process to follow and I fully respect that. I mean, when I got there they gave me a chart and I had to say from 1 to 5 of how depressed or even suicidal I was feeling.

You can’t put a number on it and the point I realised I had mental health issues was last November when I lost my job. Without a job, I couldn’t pay the bills and I also couldn’t do any music. That process absolutely terrified me. If I got another job, I was concerned of getting unsociable hours which meant I couldn’t do any gigs. The whole process was worrying me terribly.

This is where it intertwines as I need my job, as boring as it is, it pays the bills as well as funding my music. People say, once you have a child, there’s no time or money for music. The same is said when buy a house or get married. I’ve seen so many people break those barriers and it gets to a point where I hated myself. I drank heavily, ate shit food so I looked at myself and hated what I saw.

My girlfriend kept telling me to get help but I felt that I couldn’t due to the reasons I gave before. I know this isn’t a positive aspect about mental health but people do think this way. I would say to anybody, if you are on the verge of doing something desperate, please seek help. Whether it’s a doctor, counsellor, family member, friend etc, please do it.

I know it makes me a hypocrite and I get that. A lot of people like me feel like they don’t feel they’re eligible or they deserve it. That is exactly what imposter syndrome is and that effects me personally, with music and at work. If I get a promotion, or I’m asked to play a certain gig, I don’t feel I deserve it and that’s been through my entire life.

When it comes to work, someone could tell me how to do something and my brain tells me I’m going to fuck it up. With gigging, when I played in support of Funeral For A Friend in front of a sold out crowd, I felt I wasn’t good enough then either.

I just feel I’d waste a doctors time but that’s just me. If you even consider the option seeking help, please go for it. Hopefully one day I can overcome this and love myself a lot more than I do now but sadly I’ve got a long way to go.

Thankfully due to music, I can vent through that and it’s my way of coping. I will get there one day and I’m 100% positive I will, just it’s a bit of a process. At the end of the day, if you want someone to get better, check in on them. I’m lucky to have people to do that for me and it’s essential that we do that for people we care about.

It doesn’t go as far as just telling someone to go to a doctor, you could say that and one day it’ll go in ear then out the other. Even to the point that the person could do something desperate which results in you wondering what you could have done better.

I’ll get there one day but we need to tell people they matter. It’s a fantastic lift in these tough times but my imposter syndrome takes over. People are very stubborn but if we can get over that, it’ll be so much better overall. The same that if the system was a bit better.

We can’t just get off the sofa and get help, it’s not as easy as that. There’s so much more to it and the more we realise this, the better it will be going forward.

I expected an open and honest chat with Kyle but this went beyond what I could have imagined. Prior to our chat, he briefly mentioned to me that he’s had his struggles but it wasn’t until we did this for the blog that I knew his full story.

One of the things I wanted to do with this blog on a personal level is that I’m following a passion by writing, so I can resonate to a small extent with Kyle. His passion is music and I haven’t got a musical bone in my body aside from bad, drunken karaoke. I do love listening to music, and many of the conversations I’ve had with Kyle is about our fave bands, songs and albums.

He’s worked incredibly hard on every single one his projects stemming from his days in Caesars Rome all the way to his current projects. I wish him nothing but the very best going forward with those and even more I wish him good health as he’s a cracking bloke who I’m glad to have gotten to know these past 18 months.

His honesty about mental health is a different spin, something I’ve found through many a person I’ve spoken to for this blog. Not everyone goes through the same journey and “imposter syndrome” is something I’m learning more and more about, even to the extent where I’ve noticed it with some of my own traits in behaviour.

The fact he is this open shows his stubbornness and eagerness to not let the negativity win. If he’s as ambitious and driven with music, he’s going to kick ass when it comes to any mental health issues.

Once again, thank you to Kyle for speaking to me. Under his Pay The Man project he has a new single out on Friday 1st April which is called ‘Four Dumb Lines’. I’ve heard it and it’s a banger! He’s also made a video which will be released the same day.

I’ll be posting his social media details so keep an eye out for any gigs nearby. Also I’ll post the names of his projects so you can check them out on Spotify, Apple Music or any other main streaming platforms.

Many thanks for reading. Means a lot to me and the people I speak to as their stories are proof that we’re never alone in fighting this battle for mental health. Take care, stay safe and until next time, don’t think of this as a goodbye but more of a see you later!

Kyle’s Social Media Platforms

Facebook – Pay The Man, Icantdie, KD Smith – Cover Artist

Twitter – @KylePayTheMan, @_icantdie, @caesarsrome

I’ve said so often in the near 2 years that I’ve been doing this blog that mental health doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t pick and choose what person it has an effect on, no matter way of life you lead.

This is a topic that can be very misunderstood and even ridiculed by some parts of the wider community which only stigmatises mental health further. That goes against what so many organisations and advocates are doing as education is key. The more we know and understand, the smaller the stigma becomes.

From a personal level, I’ve learned so much. I’d be a liar if I said that in the past I’ve read a story about a celebrity struggling with mental health and had the attitude of “oh, they have everything? What have they got to be sad about?”. Looking back now, of course that wasn’t the way to think and unfortunately I’ve had my own battles in order to come to that mindset.

The way I think about it is this, you wouldn’t say the same thing if a person had a very serious physical illness. A lot of people still see mental illnesses as a “mood” instead of an actual condition that requires treatment. It’s said so often that “mental health is just as important as physical health” and it couldn’t be more true.

Again, from my experiences, I used to tell myself to “snap out of it” but as time grew on I realised it just doesn’t work like that. Eventually, I sought out some help but confiding in my loved ones, went to the doctor and eventually started counselling. The counsellor I spoke to was incredible in helping me understand that “health” was the key word. By being prescribed tablets, that was to help me along with being encouraged to go out walking and do positive things.

With some physical illnesses, you’re also prescribed tablets or medicines along with being encouraged to be active and try healthier foods. It’s not the doctor trying to be awkward, they’re saying it because it will help you going forward. That comparison was like a light bulb going off in my head and I started seeing it as a health issue instead of me “just being in a low mood”.

By understanding what the counsellor was telling me, I also realised that my anxiety and depression were not just “illnesses” but it could impact anyone. We all have colds, coughs and headaches and unfortunately so can mental illnesses. It was a bit further on when I started researching and planning for this blog where I found examples of people from all walks of life can be fighting their battles, even those who seem “to have it all”.

One example which stood out was comedian, writer and one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever come across, Stephen Fry. In 1995, Fry walked out of a stage production in the West End and went missing for several days and he even contemplated suicide. Instead he “disappeared” as he left the UK on ferry and didn’t resurface until some time later in Belgium.

What Fry experienced was a nervous breakdown. Later on he would be diagnosed with cyclothymia, which is a form of bipolar disorder. Fry has since spoken openly about his condition and his experiences, which was featured in the documentary ‘Stephen Fry: The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive’. That show was such an eye opener as Fry not only shared his own story but also spoke to other high profile figures like Robbie Williams and the late Carrie Fisher about the condition.

He’s also been honest about the times he’s contemplated suicide, the most recent time being in 2012. Fry was filming abroad and took a huge amount of pills and vodka. In his words he “had to be brought back to the UK to be looked after.”

Fry has since used his experiences to help others in similar situations by becoming involved with the charity, ‘Stand To Reason’. This organisation is based in the UK which aims to raise the profile of those struggling with mental health as well as fighting prejudice and to achieve equality. His campaigning has encouraged many to come forward to get much needed help and that for me is incredible.

He’s using his profile to not only educate but to assist those in need. He didn’t have to do that documentary but I’m so grateful that he did. It was so educational and proves once more that anyone can have their struggles, even those who appear “untouchable” to us. I commend any well known figure who comes out and speaks about their mental health. So many people will resonate with it and that for me is what a true role model is.

Look at Joe Marler. He’s a Rugby Union international who’s been given much deserved acclaim for opening up about his struggles. By doing that he’s ignoring the stigma that’s attached to men’s mental health, especially in a sport like rugby. The classic stereotype of a rugby player is that he has to be strong and tough off the pitch as well as on it. However, like the rest of us, they’re also human beings and Marler has come out to emphasise that.

Last year, during Mental Health Awareness Week, Joe Marler fronted his own documentary, ‘Big Boys Don’t Cry’ where he traveled around the UK to open up the conversation around mental health challenges, meeting people along the way who are learning to manage their mental wellbeing.

Marler also shared his own experiences and explained how he went to see a psychiatrist, was prescribed medication and decided to be honest so he opened up to his wife and his close friends. This gave them a better understanding to what was going on but at the same time it helped Marler get that weight off his shoulders by confiding in those who matter the most.

He also emphasised that seeking out help is not a quick fix. “It’s more of a growth thing. I could be on anti-depressants for six months, six years, or the rest of my life. It’s about understanding what they do for me, how they help me and accepting that.”

That for me is once again, a massive boost for anyone in a difficult situation. It’s another massive blow against the stigma as well. So many people will take inspiration from what Marler has done. It’s once again someone in a high profile position giving back and helping inspire people. He doesn’t have to but he has because Joe Marler cares and doesn’t want people to suffer in silence.

Since doing the documentary, he’s gone on to front his own Podcast and still carries on the message that it’s ok to open up about your battles and by being in a so called “macho environment” by being a Rugby Player there’s absolutely no shame in being upfront about your troubles. He is proof and other players such as Gareth Thomas, Dafydd James, Lloyd Ashley, Tom James and Jonny Wilkinson have also shared their stories to further eliminate the stigma associated with men’s mental health.

Another incredible advocate is Dr Alex George. The “TV Doctor” found fame on ‘Love Island’ but has since been in the spotlight for a totally different reason. Since February 2021, he has been The UK’s official Youth Mental Health Ambassador where he works directly with the government’s Department of Education. His campaigning began after sadly losing his younger brother Llyr to suicide in July 2020.

In January 2021, Dr George launched a campaign requesting the UK Government prioritise mental health amongst children and adolescents, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic. As a result of his campaigning, he met with Prime Minister Boris Johnson who appointed him as the first ever Youth Mental Health Ambassador.

George also became a member of the Mental Health in Education Action Group. They discuss the best way for children to return to education during the pandemic and ensure they receive the support they need during these challenging times.

The work Dr George has done since is incredible. He’s worked directly with the charity, Children In Need resulting in the much praised documentary ‘Our Mental Health Crisis’ where he sheds light on how much attention is required on the ever growing numbers of young people who’re fighting their battles.

Dr George commented on the film by saying, “I am so proud of this film, and the stories that we have been able to tell thanks to the courage of the young people who have so bravely shared their stories. These past 18 months have been incredibly hard, and have impacted the lives of so many children and young people, many of whom have been left feeling sad, anxious and alone, but I hope this film brings hope, and shines a light on the remarkable charities and projects across the UK that are making a difference when it is needed most.”

He worked directly with charities and projects like SAFA, The Wave Project and YoungMinds on the film which is still available on BBC iPlayer. After losing his brother, Dr George was inspired to help those in desperate situations by challenging the stigmas as well as seek help from the government to help combat this. There’s so much to do still but there has been great developments since Dr George has started his campaign and deserves massive respect and admiration.

He’s an incredible advocate and I wish him all the best. He’s one of my “dream guests”

to interview for this blog as he always speaks so passionately about his work and his goal of helping to tackle these issues.

The examples of these incredible people are proof that you can be from totally different backgrounds, have different ways of life and occupation but still fight your toughest battles. Stephen Fry is a genius and legendary comedy performer but has still had his problems with mental health. Joe Marler has played 72 times for England and been on British and Irish Lions tour in Rugby Union and has sought help for his mental wellbeing.

Dr Alex George went through the pain of losing his brother and honoured his memory by trying to ensure nobody else feels so lonely that desperate measures are taken. It’s these people that inspire me to do this blog and make sure I do the right thing when I feel low.

I’m just a normal guy with a 9-5 job but I have anxiety and depression. If someone who’s a billionaire that seems to have it all also suffers with their mental health then I’m not going to look at them with disdain because I know at the end of the day, they are human. Health can deteriorate in any of us. We can be fine one day and catch a cold the next. The same applies to mental health as we could have a good day then the next isn’t.

I don’t see why we still have to see mental health as something that’s a weakness. Seeking help is not a weakness, if anything it makes us stronger and if a celebrity or high profile figure inspires me to do better by myself than I respect and admire the hell out of them for doing it. If they wanted to do their healing in private, the same respect would go to them because they’re still showing the strength to seek help.

This proves once more that mental health does not discriminate. Anyone of any way of life can be effected. It can have a hold on anyone of us. It just goes to show though what a strong support network can do though doesn’t it? Whether it is a private conversation with a loved one or speaking up publicly, a cry for help is loud enough for someone to notice.

Thank you for reading this post. I hope going forward that the stigmas continue to be pushed further away and there will be less hesitance for people to seek help. Remember that you matter and we’d rather you seek help and still be here with us. I realised that and I don’t want to feel any different ever again so if things do feel that bad for me, I know I’ve got a strong support network.

If things get a bit worse, I know I can speak to someone who’s not a stranger but understands me via the work they do. I’ve posted a few details at the bottom of this post for some mental health organisations who do some incredible work. They offer support, guidance and most importantly understand you.

Take care, stay safe and remember storms don’t last forever. Don’t think of this as a goodbye but more of a see you later!

MIND – 0300 123 3393, http://www.mind.org.uk

Samaritans – 116 123, http://www.samaritans.org

Anxiety UK – 03444 775 774, http://www.anxietyuk.org.uk

In many of the posts that I’ve written over the past year or so, I often talk about how reflection is very important. To look back and see how far you’ve come from the low points to where you are now just shows that self belief and strength can go a long way.

As I’ve mentioned before, just over 4 years ago, I was at my lowest and I didn’t value myself, I wasn’t putting my happiness as well as my mental health first. I would binge drink on nights out to block out the negative thoughts, I’d also lie to those closest to me and pretty much hated the person that I was.

It came to a fateful night where it all became too much for me and I simply broke down on a night out. I contemplated doing something stupid but I somehow I found myself opening up to one of my closest and dearest friends. Without doing that, I dread to imagine where I’d be now if it wasn’t for that person because she encouraged me to seek help.

I did seek help, and during that time, by talking to counsellors they encouraged me to put my happiness first. My self worth was so low that I purposely ruined any chance of finding a relationship with anyone. I’d self sabotage any situation which presented that opportunity because I didn’t believe I could be happy and also felt I wasn’t good enough.

By finally talking about this with the counsellor, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and eventually I felt confident enough to try and find someone. Eventually, I met a girl who is now my fiancée. I felt happy and found love. I opened up to her about my struggles and she was understanding and supportive as I knew that being open and honest was the best thing for the both of us.

My mental health has been up and down since then and in late 2018, it went really low again where if it wasn’t for her, I’d have been in a worse place than I was just a year before. It was around Christmas and in the space of a few days I went from feeling on top of the world to rock bottom.

It got so bad that I spent a time contemplating to end it by standing on a bridge but I realised that I’d cause pain for her and my family and friends. She encouraged me to seek help and talk about my issues so I went back to the doctors. This took longer than my first serious battle and I didn’t even go out locally for 6 months. I also deleted my social media accounts and kept a very low profile.

I was out on tablets that I’m still on to this day and I’ve also grown to accept that being on medication isn’t a bad thing. I will happily talk about it as it’s just the same as taking asthma pumps or wearing glasses. They’re prescribed to help me and I will offer support to anyone new to taking medication as well.

As time went on, my confidence returned gradually and I started going out locally. I also spoke openly about my struggles which eventually led to me doing this blog. It was during this time, I realised something that I really wanted to do. The realisation was I wanted to propose. We had a trip to Dublin planned and I knew it would have been perfect as she loves that place.

I put the plan in motion by buying a ring and asking her parents for permission. Of course it was granted and everything was in place. I planned on popping the question on our first night in Dublin and unlike other situations where my anxiety would set in, I didn’t feel nervous but instead I was excited. I couldn’t wait for it.

We went out for a meal and went for a walk by the canal and I didn’t dither ask I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me. She of course said yes and to this day it’s the best moment of my life.

About an hour after I proposed, I was waiting to be served in a bar and I had a moment of reflection. I realised just how far I’ve come. I went from breaking down to one of my best friends whilst on a night out and feeling like there was no way back. Fast forward to that moment and I was with a girl who loves me and wants to spend the rest of her lift with me. Things don’t get much better than that.

A few weeks after returning from our trip, we started the journey to become home owners. At the time we didn’t realise just how long it would take but we went to the bank and set up our Help To Buy ISA’s which was a massive boost. It’s a government scheme designed to help you save for a mortgage deposit to buy a home. To qualify you must be a first time buyer and that was perfect for me and my fiancée.

The pandemic certainly had an impact on our plans as we went the best part of 10 weeks without seeing each other and it made us more determined to find a house together. We started saving more and started looking at houses on the internet.

By March of this year, we had enough saved for a deposit and consulted with a mortgage advisor and knew then that we were ready to start viewing houses. We looked at a couple where we put offers in and were disappointed as our offers weren’t accepted. To our detriment, it’s a very difficult time to buy a house as there’s so many others in the market.

Some were even putting offers on houses without even looking at them which was so frustrating for us. If anything it spurred us on even more and we came across a house just when we needed a bit of luck to come our way. The house in question is the one that is now ours and when I say we were lucky, we really were. We happened to be the first people to view it and apart from a few quirks, we fell in love with it.

It had been renovated by a developer who purchased it as a “fixer upper” to then sell on. The work hadn’t been completed but the majority of it had and we couldn’t believe our luck. We immediately put an offer in after the viewing and a few mins after getting home, we had a call from the estate agent to say that it had been accepted! We were over the moon but knew the real work and stress was yet to come.

Of course we had to arrange a mortgage. We had a mortgage in principal with the advisor in place to show we had funds available for a deposit but the actual application to get an actual mortgage in place had begun. We also got ourselves a solicitor which my fiancée sorted as there was a local one that her family used in the past.

The process took a bit longer than we thought and there was one or two instances where I thought it was going to fall apart. One instance was that the mortgage lender that was processing the application, wanted to inspect the property to ensure the amount that we agreed on for the purchase of the house was sufficient enough for them to lend us that amount of money.

They found that the property was overpriced and valued it a few thousand pounds cheaper than what was agreed. This immediately sent me into a worry and I did have an anxiety attack as like many situations, I thought of the worst case scenario. I thought was all going to fall apart but my fiancée reassured me and once I calmed down via some breathing exercises, I started thinking logically.

We explained to the situation to the estate agent and advised that we couldn’t make up the few thousand that the seller wanted but we were committed to that house and weren’t looking at any more houses. Also, in comparison to other properties in the area, our house was overpriced and our mortgage advisor had the information to back that up.

Thankfully it fell in our favour as the seller agreed to sell it for the price that was deemed appropriate by the survey. That meant the purchase was back on but there were a few others bumps along the road before the house was ours. Frustration was a common theme along with uncertainty and anxiety as time went on.

As previously mentioned, the seller bought the house as a “fixer upper” to then sell on so we were promised a lot of work was to be completed before everything was finalised. They were very keen for us to sign and get things pushed over the line as soon as possible but we were given assurances that the work would be completed first.

For example, when we first viewed the house there was a huge mess in the garden with building materials/supplies as work was still ongoing. Promises were made to finish the work as soon as possible as well as clean the mess. A particular promise was an eyesore of an old shed would be knocked down to be turned into hard standing for off-road parking at the rear of the house.

What the developer didn’t realise was that my fiancée lived with her parents quite literally down the road. So when we were contacted by the developer’s solicitors asking why haven’t we signed, we kept reminding them about the promises that were made.

Just seemed like there was some hurdles constantly being thrown in front of us and it played hell with my anxiety. I’d gone a few months without an anxiety attack and one night I woke up in the middle of the night with a massive one. It felt like the world was closing in around me and someone was gripping my chest. Honestly, it was the worst one I’ve had since I had really bad episode at the end of 2018.

At that point, I knew I needed to step up in some aspects. I spoke to Anxiety UK and the advisor spent a few hours to reassure me and pointed me to some great coping techniques. I started breathing exercises again, something I hadn’t done in a while but I still do now because it’s such a great calming technique.

Another one was countdowns like 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear etc. It really gives me a sense of concentration away from the anxious moment and brings me back down to a calmer frame of mind. It’s simple techniques but they make a massive difference.

I also had a couple of days away with my fiancée. Due to COVID restrictions, our holiday to Cyprus got postponed but instead we booked a little staycation to Tenby. I hadn’t been there in years and it made a hell of a difference. The sea air, change of scenery and a chilled atmosphere gave me a massive lift. It gave a sense of clarity to get some shit sorted and most importantly helped me have a calmer state of mind.

When we get back I was even more determined to get this house sale sorted. Thankfully, the seller sorted out what we wanted done and we signed for the house in September. Just like that, I was co-owning a house with my fiancée. It took a few minutes to hit home but I then thought about how far I’d come in a couple of years. I’d gone from considering ending it all by standing on a bypass bridge to feeling more happy than I’d ever have been in my life.

I’d gone in the space of just under 4 years from feeling the loneliest I’ve ever felt. Self sabotaging any chance of happiness because I didn’t feel good enough. Hurting people that cared because I didn’t feel worthy to be cared about to finally seeking help and eventually standing up and putting myself first.

Meeting the most amazing, supportive and loving woman who would then say yes when I popped the question. The next chapter was in full swing, we were home owners! We knew the real hard work was about to begin but came about rather quickly. Albeit with delays, we got our furniture set and our bed. Most importantly (jokes), the TV was sorted along with Sky TV/broadband!

When a few things were sorted we decided to move in at the beginning of November. We didn’t have the sofas for a couple of weeks so it was camping chairs for a little while. Now I have my chair to sit in (yes, it’s MY CHAIR!) and the house is gradually coming along and becoming our home. I’ve been told quite often that “there’s always something to do”, and we’ve got plenty to sort out but we’re happy and settling in nicely.

Of course, it was emotional leaving my parents. I’d only ever lived in the same house for the entirety of my 30 years on this earth. I cried a bit after my parents left the house after helping me move my things. For a couple of days it was a case where I cried a few more times but it wasn’t because I felt bad, it was a new chapter in my life and a big change.

I saw it that way and the more things we added in terms of a lick of paint, more furniture etc, the more we felt at home. Like I said before, I’m happy. In fact it’s the happiest I’ve ever been and although I’ve had the odd bad day, I know that I’m in a great position in terms of a support network. I’m also finally doing grown up things at the age of 30 like buying a house but it’s an exciting prospect. The bill paying is annoying but that’s life eh?

I took a further plunge into serious adulthood for 2022 as I recently passed my driving theory. I’ve always held it off as I thought very anxious about driving. Going back to my dyspraxia, I was worried about my hand coordination and my confidence was really not high enough to go down the driving route.

Enough was enough so I put the revision in and even though it was a bit of a stressful time, I passed and now the real work begins with driving lessons. I’m not one for pressuring myself with New Years resolutions but I have promised to put sort myself out a bit. I did have a bit of a low point but put it down to January blues. This time of year is challenging for so many people but I did speak to my fiancée as well as some close friends who helped massively.

The last week or so, I’ve felt like me. When I say that, nearly back to my best. I’m cracking shit jokes, I’m enjoying listening to music, I’m meeting with friends soon for a night out and planning to go to some gigs. I’ve got so much planned for this year in terms of trips away, gigs, stuff for the house and of course blog stuff.

This is the start of a busy yet creative time for me. I’m happy with my life for the first time in years. I’ve got a future, something I can be proud of and a loving fiancée. In fact, she’s actually in the picture I’ve posted with this blog entry. Ain’t she pretty folks?

Things are looking up but I know I can bounce back from the bad days. Doing this blog and reflecting is a huge thing for a me and I still want to help people in difficult situations.

I’ve had people message me thanking me for doing this. Compliments have always been something I’ve struggled with but I just want people to come away with a positive mindset, knowing that help is out there and asking for it isn’t a bad thing. Please, do the right thing as we’d rather you be here and get healthy than not be here at all.

It’s a cliche but storms don’t last forever. We’ll get through this together and the stigmas are getting smaller by the day. Please take care, stay safe and until next time don’t see this as a goodbye but more of a see you later!