It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these. I’m honoured that my first blog post in nearly a month is one where I speak to someone who’s sharing their incredible story.
That person is my good friend, Martyn Phillips. I’ve known Martyn the best part of 15 years. I’ve always seen him as a fun loving, life of the party type of guy. As our conversation shows, to say that he’s been through a tough journey is a bit of an understatement.
He’s been incredibly honest about his battles and I’m sure that his story will resonate with many people. Whether it’s his mental health, gambling addiction or where it got to the point where unfortunately he spent time in prison.
As our chat will tell you, Martyn has bounced back incredibly these past couple of years. He’s currently Director of Football at Aberdare Town FC, working with vulnerable young adults in assisted living and studying psychology which he hopes will lead him to become a counsellor. All whilst being inspired by creating a better life for him and his son, Morgan.
His story is quite open and emotional and I couldn’t thank him enough for taking the time to talk to me.
You’re currently studying psychology. What inspired you to do this?
Basically, it all stems from what I’ve been through. It would be easy to say that the gambling addiction destroyed me, but it also gave me the opportunity for a clean slate as well.
My character and who I thought I was through my upbringing to my adult years was always perceived personally in a certain way. This is the person who my friends and family would know. I suppose going through addiction and reflecting back shows that I was this person but at the same time, there was a different side to me.
This “second side of me” obviously reared it’s ugly head, not only when I was stressed but it could show up whilst on a night out. It seemed to be out of boredom and money orientated as that is the aim when it comes to gambling as you want to win.
To start studying this course, it gave me the opportunity to understand my behavioural patterns and why I chose to go down this road. Looking upon them, it helped me in a rebuild whilst showing that these types of behaviours can occur without really realising it.
A lot of people have told me and portray see me as a strong character. That they can always talk to me, share things and see me as a bit of a rock. Was that at my own detriment? I was dealing with other people’s problems without really addressing my own. I wasn’t ready to accept that I had problems and would pretty much brush them aside.
Now that was down to ignorance, denial and borderline arrogance on my part. To presume that nothing was wrong and I didn’t have issues was a massive part of the journey. It led me to want to make a difference, not just for me but to help others before they go down the stages I did.
I’d be able to identify these patterns sooner before more self destructive ways, and help guide them to a better and healthier way of life. They can relate to me as well because I’ve been through it.
Studying this degree is a huge learning curve, and I wish I did it after school. 3 years of essays and studying is hard work but I want to learn, have an impact, challenge myself and most importantly make a difference. I want to help someone who’re going through a similar or even worse situation than me.
The goal is to hopefully set up my own company as I do have a background in business management Whilst on my course I’ve come across people who’re looking to specialise in different types of counselling, like marriage counselling. So I want to have a range of different fields to be on offer as we’d able to help people across the board.
I know I can use my experiences to help others by not going down the same road. It will save lives and if I can just save one life with my story, it will mean the world to me.
You now work in the field of Supported Living. How do you feel that your studies help you within your day to day role?
Psychology is a huge field which covers so many aspects such as mental health, criminal psychology and addictions. My course keeps asking me the question of do I want to broaden my horizons by going into these different fields. That question would be answered in a longer term as if I do set up a company I could explore these other parts to gain further knowledge and offer more support.
In regards to my current job, working here has given me an insight of how the care sector works on a day to day basis. I see the good and bad sides of it and I personally enjoy it. I enjoy giving our residents a lease of life whether it’s taking them out for the day, doing new things and just seeing them excel by taking part in something that brings them happiness.
You also build a repour and trust. The bond is built and it’s such a great feeling to see them happy. Of course, on the flip side there are is the negative side to it, but you can use that as a positive. It teaches you to understand them more on an individual level. This would be in terms of their psyche and what’s essential in understanding them of how they’re feeling.
Of course, it’s not just a mental imbalance, there’s the chemical aspect as well. We’re never going to full understand all of this but you can research it and get better grip because not only will it help you, but also help them. We don’t fully understand the brain, and the theories and work out there will help us as best as they can.
Working here has given me a great insight into this sector and it’s given me guidance. As I mentioned with my business background, it’s given me ideas. I’ve brainstormed on if I do have my own company, what would I keep the same and what would I do different. I think I’m in a great field where I’ve met some incredible people, I’ve learned a lot and still am gaining a lot of new information.
It’s keeping my doors wide open in terms of my studies to understand psychology and also social workers to see how these two fields can come together. The results are endless.
Is there anything else that you would like to share from your experiences?
I went through a bad patch myself and even had suicidal thoughts and not many people aside from my family know that I did attempt to take my own life. That night when I was going through all of these thoughts, I had a phone call and it was from my son. All of a sudden it woke me up and that made me think “what am I doing?”
I rang my mother, talked it out with her and it still go this day I can’t believe it got to that point where I thought depression would beat me to that point. It did, and it shows that the strongest of us can go through these moments. It also has helped me appreciate all that I have in my life and not to take it for granted. Life can be turned upside down so quickly, hence why so many people still can’t believe I went to Prison.
When I started working in my current role, I was honest and upfront with everything. I have to build relationships not only with residents but staff. We’re a small organisation with 12 staff members in total, so trust is paramount to a successful working relationship. We did the ‘Two Truths One Lie’ game and they couldn’t believe me when I used my time in prison as they all thought it was a lie.
I had nothing to deny. I feel like explaining things, owning up to responsibility and accepting it’s a part of me is essential. I’m not only trying to set an example for my son but other people as well. And by being open and honest about my past, that’s a huge step in doing so. I’m young enough to change and do what we aim to do by having a sense of purpose.
I could have gone back to gambling and dwelled on my problems, it was the easy thing to do. That’s not who I am, I knew I had to make these changes. When I was younger, gambling never hurt others, only me. As I got older, it not only effected me, but my family and my friends and that was soul destroying. It ripped me apart and I need to prove that it’s a mistake and mine alone.
In a way, everyone’s experiences with mental health are different because as people, we aren’t the same in some ways. We all have weaknesses and deal with things in different ways. I know that I’m difficult to argue with at times but where I was at my lowest was tough for people to deal with to see me that way, especially as how I was still in denial at times.
The first part is acceptance. You can’t dwell or deny anymore. You have to own it and live with it day in, day out. Granted you will have good days where you won’t feel bad and have a more positive approach to things. Then you get days where you feel on a comedown and to be honest, I still get urges to gamble.
However, because of my experiences and the hurt it caused, it drags me back into a thinking mentality where I know what the consequences are. I know what I have to lose and at the end of the day, it’s not worth it. I see how it effects those around me and when you get to that state of mind, you see yourself in a rebuild mode. You have to be open as it makes you stronger.
If you hide it, it builds on you. The more you own it and confront it, it’s healthier. Not just for you but those around you. Own it, come through it and rebuild. It won’t happen overnight, it’s a life sentence and it could rear it’s ugly head again. I have to fight this every day of my life and show this strength and come back from it.
I have to show an example for my son and also my mother. I owe her so much as she’s done a lot to give me and my brother a future. I feel like I’ve let her down the most. That hurts but if I can rebuild and come back then I can prove to her the way she’s brought me up was the right way. I’m building my strength from hers, she’s my inspiration to give me that lease of life.
Everyone who knows me will understand that I am an emotional person at times and a deep thinker. So if I do show emotion, it doesn’t bother me. At the end of the day, it’s who I am and I’m not ashamed as it’s a much healthier way to be instead of holding it in. If you don’t talk about it, it eats away at you. It will manifest itself in a very self destructive way.
Why do you think there is a stigma associated with men’s mental health?
Obviously from a generations past, men were always perceived to be the breadwinner, brought home the money etc. Men were seen as the stronger one in the relationship and the rock who couldn’t be broken. No matter what, they would have to step up and get the family through anything.
However as the years have gone by, times and things change. Now as we’ve grown, have we also deteriorated? Is there something within males that in a way likes being the breadwinner? Being the ones to keep that family going? Of course now we’re in a much more equal climate with women, which I am fully in support of. Do some men suffer as a result of that?
Chemical imbalance within our brain would be a factor as many men would struggle with the concept that they cannot accept this. The way we were brought up has now been challenged with this new, modern way of life. Although it may be a better one, the mind will struggle to accommodate that.
That side of it doesn’t hurt me, as I do support it, but the stigma surrounding men is that we don’t talk about our problems. We should “man up” and that is not the case. If you do not confront these issues and talk about them, they will manifest in different ways and forms and have a massive and negative impact on our health and wellbeing.
The stigma prevents a lot of men to deal with the issues. There’s a large increase of suicides, especially with young men. It’s due to a lot of changes in the modern times. It’s still seen to a lot of men that opening up shows weakness. At times we need a hug or a “cwtch” and what’s wrong with that? Nothing that’s what. We need as much comforting as anyone.
Men want to feel as equally loved as a woman does. I believe every man wants to be hugged by their wife, child or other family members. That feeling of being alone is a huge impact on mental wellbeing so feeling loved is a huge boost to us, myself included. Men struggle to talk to their partners when they’re the closest person to them, that again goes down to a generational issue.
Things are changing though, it’s not a quick fix and I believe there’ll be a few more years until definite change is made. The campaigning from males who’ve been through these issues is essentials. Especially when it’s coming from role models like the ex footballer, Paul Merson. He’s gone through addiction with alcohol, drugs and gambling and is now comfortable enough to open up about it.
Craig Bellamy is a another example. He’s opened up on his battles with anxiety and depression. These high profile people opening up and showing their true side shows no matter what background our status they have, nobody is exempt. And people can still resonate with them and inspire males to speak up and seek help.
Once again, you’re fighting back and rebuilding yourself. This shows more strength than anything because being through it myself, to find the self belief guides me to a healthier life. I’ll never take my foot off the pedal, I’m driven by the bad point of my life but the entire attitude needs to change. We need to support each other more.
The ethos of male bonding is changing, especially when looking after each other. It’s a slow process but we will get there. I’m sure of it.
What do you wish was more well known and out in the open about mental health?
I wish that there was more help that could be accessed more readily. I think the whole field is underfunded. As I’ve mentioned, we’re in a transitional period where you’re seeing children suffering mental stress during exams. And children don’t fully understand the extremes of mental health.
Of course exams and schoolwork is stressful, no doubt about it but that is a learning curve of life. Job interviews is an anxious time as well. I fear that mental health is being watered down in some ways due to this. Of course the examples I have are difficult situations, but you have to go through stressful points in life. You’re never going to sail through without it.
We need to be very careful because mental health can be misdiagnosed and not finely tuned. We don’t want to all be put into the same bracket. I want to look into more experimental ways like life choices and how we’re brought up. Is it genetic? Like my father was an alcoholic, so he like me had an addictive nature.
I realised this, so the addictive nature manifested in a different way as I didn’t start drinking until I was 18. I was dead against it due to my father. So it then came out with the gambling. This experience was coming and could anyone have helped me early on? I don’t know because I was quite stubborn and only I could have changed me.
With my studies, I need to find a bridge of dealing with a person like me and stopping them and their families going through a similar or even worse heartache. By achieving that, I would have done what I set out to do.
What sort of techniques, exercises and activities help you in difficult situations?
I think it’s down to recognising that the mind is a powerful tool. When you are alone or bored, the mind can be your worst enemy. It’s all about getting away from that and keep your mind as occupied as possible.
It’s starting over in a training sort of aspect.
To re-train it in a way where you find a new routine helps as you don’t want to be sat there alone with your thoughts as overthinking will come into play. At the moment I work 60 hours a week between my job and my studies so I’m always busy.
Yes, I do have time to rest but I have a full time job, I’m on a course and on weekends I look after my son, so I’m always busy.
In the evenings after work, I play football or tennis. If I don’t have any of these things on, I’ll go for a walk. I’ll try and do as much exercise as possible. I know it’s important to rest and recharge yourself. When you know it’s time to relax, find ways of doing it. Some like to read, that’s not for me but walking is good for me. Mountain walks helps, it gives me something to push myself towards and to be honest I’m sucker for a good view.
It’s very therapeutic for me as is being in the company with my family and friends. That could be going for a meal, a drink or any other type of gathering. Of course due to COVID it hasn’t happened as regularly as I’ve liked so that’s been difficult. It’s helped me in a way as I’ve still worked. I haven’t been stuck at home and I’m very lucky to have a great working relationship with the staff and our clients.
Keeping them engaged, keeps me busy. It was awful that I couldn’t see my son aside from video calls but work was a safe haven because it keeps me busy. But holding him again after not seeing him for 10 weeks was unreal. It was such a massive life. Keeping busy is key, you give your endorphins a boost. Keep pushing and challenging yourself. Set yourself realistic targets, recharge and go again.
You don’t learn from the good, you learn from bad experiences. I take that into account and that’s how we develop and mature. That’s what I intend to mould myself from here on.
What would you say to someone who is struggling and doesn’t know if talking about it is the right thing to do?
Talking about it is the way out of it. If you don’t, it will not help. You have to release it because it will only keep building and it’s so unhealthy. If we burden ourselves, we’ll never be at peace and it will knock you until we’re down and out. Sharing is the way forward.
There are ways to do it, and that essentially is talking. Whether it’s counsellor, friend or family member, it only takes one person to listen and it will pour out. Yes you may be burdening that person but they’ll be so happy that you’re opening up.
They would rather you be here than not be around. That’s what we should all be thinking. We all make a difference in one way or another and play our part. Not being here will only hurt those we love. That is how we come from it and rebuild with other people’s support.
We then remodel our outlook In order to support others and that is the best approach to a healthier way of mental wellbeing.
To be honest, there were times where I felt emotional whilst speaking to Martyn. In all the years I’ve known him, he’s always been honest. In this case he surprised me with just how bad things were when he was at his lowest points. I’m so glad that he’s turned things around.
It’s a complete 360 for him these days. As he’s mentioned, he’s got more purpose than ever before. He’s a fantastic father and an all round great man. I have no doubt he’s going to be successful as he’s always been ambitious. Plus, whenever he’s set his mind on something he’s gone through with it whether it’s in a working environment or sports.
We talked beyond our chat for the blog for another half hour as we normally do when we’re in each other’s company. I’ve had the pleasure of spending time with him many times and always find him a great and trusting person to talk to.
I wish him nothing but the best as he continues his studies, and further goes towards his aim of become a counsellor. He’s clearly put a lot of thought into this, and is very driven. His approach to life these days is a much healthier way compared to a few years ago. He’s a credit to himself, his son and the rest of his friends and family.
Thank you once again to Martyn for taking the time to talk to me. Huge thanks as always goes to anyone who has taken the time to read this. Remember the keep talking as it’s the best thing you’ll ever do.
Until next time, take care, stay safe and I’ll see you later!
MIND OVER NOISE 