As touched on in some of my previous posts, I’ve had my battles with self confidence through the years especially with my weight. It’s an ongoing battle which I’m sure so many of us go through each and every day.
I’ve pretty much always doubted myself when looking in the mirror whilst trying on new clothes. I’m also terrible for asking people if it looks alright on me in fear the clothes look too tight on me.
To be honest, I know I’m never going to be “in shape” as I’ve always been a bigger size but there’s been times in my life where I’ve put in the work and felt a lot more comfortable.
The effects of negative body positivity is very detrimental to a person’s mental health as it’s been discussed in previous posts with Bethan Rees and Carys Wigley. Being judged, especially over how you look is a horrible feeling. The furthest I can remember where I have been singled out over my weight was my first year of Comprehensive School, where my issues with bullying began.
It’s carried on pretty much throughout ever since. Granted, I’ve had periods where I’ve gained more confidence whether it’s just by losing weight and/or getting fitter through exercise. The fact remains, that the lack of confidence has always been there. Some of the criticism has been constructive, that being from family or friends. Aside from that, even if it’s deemed a joke, it’s soul destroying at times.
I know I can make the effort to lose weight as it’s my decision to do so. The worst thing a person can do is pressurise someone into doing so. In the past I’ve had people say to me, “you’ve gained weight” or “better come to the gym with me”. To them that would be a joke, but did they consider that the person on the receiving end find it funny? Perhaps they didn’t feel they needed to lose weight, as they were comfortable already?
I wouldn’t go out of my way to comment on someone’s image like that. Consideration is such an important factor. Granted, when we’re out and about with mates, we love a bit of banter but there’s no saying what a subtle comment about someone’s weight could make them feel about themselves. This could be taken from a physical and mental point of view.
Around 4 years ago, I was at the biggest I’ve ever been. I weighed just over 20 stone and my eating/lifestyle habits were at an all time low. If I was out with friends, I’d only wear dark clothing. I would also be very reluctant to have any photos taken as even if it was a group photo, I’d be in the background where you could only see my head. I’d look back on them in near horror as I’d judge myself on every single one.
It got to the point where physically I was struggling. I went on a trip with friends to Berlin and I was in a bad way. It was 30 plus degrees in heat and for someone who’s 20 stone, that’s not going to end well. Whilst out walking I’d be pouring with sweat and I’d be exhausted as a lot of the trip involved walking.
It even got to the point where on the last night, I stayed in as I thought of myself as like a massive burden to the boys. I felt I was slowing them down, which in reality I was as they were a lot better off physically than me. When we flew home, I stayed in for days as I couldn’t bring myself to go out as my body confidence was rock bottom. I know I could change this myself, but the self belief wasn’t anywhere close for me to start doing it.
I’d simply be knackered just by walking up the stairs. My weight and health were concerning my family, especially my Dad. He has gone through his own battles with his weight and was pleading with me to make a change. I had no interest as I was happy just sitting there, eating and watching TV. I’d have takeaway 2/3 times a week, would constantly be snacking and drinking a lot on nights out. Looking back, I was pretty much eating/drinking myself to death.
It got to the point where I was invited to a friend’s wedding and I needed to get something to wear. Finding clothes was a never ending task and eventually I found clothes to fit me. In the end, I wore a XXXL shirt and jacket as I was that big. I forget the size of my trousers but I just about fit into them.
I got to the wedding, and as it went on, the worse I felt about myself. I was in pain because of the state I was in physically and it was clear to see. At that point, I knew I had to make a change. Just 2 years previously, I was at my best ever shape physically and since I let myself go to the point where I was coughing a lung up just by walking a few yards.
My Dad was going to a local Slimming World class, and I finally took him up on his offer to go with him and sign up. The good thing about it was straight away you’re not being judged. From the minute I walked through the door, I felt like this was the best decision for me as the people there had been in the same or a similar boat to me as they were on a weight loss journey themselves.
I threw myself into it and the pounds started falling off. I joined in the February and by the following Christmas, I’d lost nearly 6 stone. Every year I have a photo taken by our Christmas Tree at home before a night out and the difference between 2015 and 2016 was so obvious. It looked like two completely different people.
Physically I felt good as I started playing 5 a side and went football training for the first time in ages. My mates who I’d go with were fantastic support as they were encouraging and so happy to see me in a better state. I was in a good routine where I’d play 5 a side on a Monday and train on Wednesdays.
My confidence also shot through the roof, I was more happy whilst out with friends. As good as I was feeling, there was still negativity eating away at me. I did so well with the weight loss that I become sort of obsessed with it. If I went out and had a few pints on a Saturday followed by a takeaway on the way home, I’d spend the next few days pretty much close to fasting.
I’d only have select meals and even for tea I would have just a bowl of soup or beans as the thought of gaining weight terrified me. It didn’t help either that I still had people make comments on how I looked. These people, who I thought of as friends at the time and going back to earlier in the post, their idea of banter to them involved weight jibes.
They would call me names like “huge” and if I was drinking a pint or was eating something unhealthy, they’d say something like “be careful or you won’t fit into that top again”. They were the type of “friends” who would go out of their way to dent their your confidence. Like I used to do a lot, I’d put on a front and laugh it off. But Aafter going home, those words would stay with me, to the point where I would cry.
It went hand in hand with my mental health as this was around the point where my self doubting was skyrocketing. Like I’ve said in my first blog post, I was drinking heavily on nights out and my moods were all over the place. It got to the point where I lost my job. My mental health hit an all time low and I was not a person I liked at all.
I went to the doctors and finally opened up but this wasn’t the end of it. I started gaining weight, stopped going to 5 a side and training. I did have the means of residing early on that this wasn’t a healthy option as I was beginning my counselling session. They would ask about eating habits and was encouraging me to be more active.
I wasn’t as strict as I was in previous diets but I achieved at what can only be described as a happy medium. I’d eat healthy in the week and enjoy myself on a weekend. I did venture back to Slimming World a few times but didn’t stick to it. If anything I was at a weight where I felt comfortable and even though I did still have periods of self doubt over my weight and appearance, I was more at ease than previous times.
It was around this time that I started running. It’s well documented that I enjoyed it so much that I ended up running the Nos Galan race. It helped to keep at a weight that I was happy with and still enjoyed myself by eating things I liked. If I did feel a bit negative about my body, I’d go for a walk or run and feel so much better for it.
I was at a sort of a happy medium until lockdown started. I planned to keep my momentum going but I was having anxiety attacks whilst out running. I can only put it down to the fear of being around people with what’s going on with the pandemic. I did go for numerous of long walks. There was no anxiety attacks as I suppose had more time to assess where I was going whilst you don’t have too much time to think whilst running.
I haven’t been for a run since March and it I do have aims of getting back out there, it’s just getting over that hill again and going for it. The lockdown period did keep my weight at an even point as I still managed to eat well during the week and enjoy myself on a weekend. The part which I didn’t think would creep on me was drinking.
I wouldn’t drink every day as like junk food, I’d only have it on weekends. I started off by limiting myself to 4 pints of Guinness every Saturday and maybe one or two beers on a Sunday. As the weeks and months went on, I’d drink a couple of more pints on a Saturday and there was a socially distanced street party for VE Day. I’d drink more but only think of it as a special occasion.
As the lockdown continued, I‘d go from drinking beer to rum and mixing drinks is never a good idea. So much that like when I was binge drinking when I was at my lowest points mentally, I started blacking out and not remembering going to bed and other things. That would set my anxiety off and whilst I would have an hangover, I’d eat loads and loads of junk food.
Gradually lockdown would end and I would go back to work. As glad as I was to have a routine back, my eating habits would change as I would snack a lot more at work and home. Slowly I started to gain weight and that’s not without the drinking on weekends. Pubs reopened and small gatherings with friends resumed.
There were 3 other examples of where I binged whilst drinking and would wake up in a terrible state. There were times building up to it where I would feel anxious and stressed and I can only put it down to the stressful times we’ve been in. I went 3 months without seeing my fiancée and I’d challenge anyone to go that long without feeling stressed, upset or anxious.
Since August I’ve gained a fair bit of weight and the self consciousness has returned in full force. I’ve got so much to look forward to next year and like before I know I needed to make a change. As a result I’ve decided to rejoin Slimming World. This decision is not just for my weight but a period of eating good and looking after myself will only help.
I’ve also made the decision to sign up for Sober for October in aid of MacMillan Cancer Support. A month off the drink will also do me the world of good and can only help me in losing weight.
The most important thing about all of this is that I want to lose weight. The only influence that’s gone into my decision is from myself. Not a single person has pressured me. I know I need to make a lifestyle change because I’ll be damned if I go back to the really unhealthy point of my life.
Something which I find annoying is when you have personal trainers and people selling weight loss products message you via social media trying to sell you their stuff. At the end of the day, I know they’re trying to make a living but how do you think people feel when you drop in out of the blue like that? Ive experienced this and so has my fiancée.
As I’ve said before, if we want to lose weight, WE will choose to do so. If we want to buy any of these products, hire a personal trainer or join a gym, we will contact those involved. Be more considerate as advertisement is fine but messaging someone out of the blue isn’t. Just think a little bit before you do this.
I’m only just starting my weight loss journey again but I feel determined to do it. If you don’t put 100% into what you want, you’re not going to succeed. I’d be happy to shift a couple of stone by Christmas. The festive period is always a very challenging time mentally for me and by going into it in better shape and a positive mindset, it can only help me enjoy it with my loved ones.
I’m never going to be “skinny”, I’m comfortable being a bigger size but I know my limits. I realise when I need to make a change and that nobody can influence that but yours truly. I’ll always feel self conscious whether it’s just by taking my T shirt off on the beach but these decisions in starting diets and exercise routines is because I want to.
There’s a saying that I’ve come to appreciate lately and it’s “control your narrative”. Basically, make your own choices and have control of your life. I know what I need to do to be healthier physically and mentally and I can’t wait to start this journey. The title of this week’s post is “Chunky Yet Funky”, I use it as a light hearted way in showing that I’m mostly happy with who I am.
Got a long way to go but I know I can do it. I’ve done it before, I know to not obsess over it like I have in the past. I also only bother with friends who are a positive influence in my life. That’s a huge factor as those who made me feel like shit in the past are no longer relevant to me. Going forward, this is very exciting time for me.
Massive thanks as always for reading. Regarding my efforts in doing Sober for October, I’ve posted the link for the fundraising page below so if you could help with a great cause, thank you so much. Also, the picture I’ve posted below included me at my heaviest, my smallest and my current size.
Don’t bow to pressure, make your own choices and most importantly love yourself. Take care, stay safe and until next time I guess I’ll see you later!
MIND OVER NOISE 