It’s been a while since I’ve written blog post from a personal point of view. For the past few months, I’ve focused on sharing other people’s stories and the many ways we cope with difficult situations.
One thing I’ve found very recently is that I didn’t really know how to cope with grief. I realised this when my grandfather sadly passed away on the 10th of February. I felt lost and didn’t really know what to say or feel. If anything I felt rather annoyed with myself for not being upset.
Everyone else in the immediate family cried but I just couldn’t and after a period of reflection I came to a conclusion which made a lot of sense. Through this period I did a lot of reminiscing and found the answers I was looking for as well as remembering the great man as I’ve always known as “Gransh”.
A few years ago, I came across a saying which really stood out to me. It said, “a grandparent is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher and a little bit best friend.” It stood out to me as it reminded me just how much I appreciated the man I’m writing this blog post about.
Since I can remember, he’s always been my favourite person. The prospect of having him for company was so exciting and even it was just sitting in his living room, you knew you’d either laugh or just feel grateful for being there.
Every weekend I’d get excited to go and see him. As a child I’d be extra happy because he’d always have a pack of Werther’s Originals by the side of his chair and cans of Tango in his fridge. As I got older, it would be the little things which would stand out in order to make me love and respect him even more.
He was never short of a story or two. He grew up in a village called Penrhiwceiber in a very tight knit family with his brother and his parents. He played football from a young age, inspired by my great grandfather George who was a professional footballer pre, during and post war for many clubs including Bristol Rovers and Nottingham Forest.
Gransh spent part of his upbringing on the move with a stint in Nottingham whilst his father played for Forest. His love for football grew as the years went on, even to the point where he was taken on as an apprentice for now Premier League team West Bromwich Albion. The part of this story that stands out is that due to homesickness he ended up doing a runner and never went back!
He went on to play Welsh League football where he told me so many stories about the games he played, the goals he scored and the friends he made along the way. He went on holidays to Devon, a trend which followed through the generations to even myself as it’s become a second home to my family over the years.
He also made so many memories whilst being a pub landlord including his time running a pub in my home village. So many people have come to me over the years saying how much they enjoyed his time there and also how much they respected him. From what he told me, you could tell he really loved that period of his life.
He was a true people person and would help anyone out if they needed it. However you dare not cross him or anyone he cared about. If you got on the wrong side of him, it would be the equivalent of making an enemy of a mafia boss. He would tell it like it is and if you were asking for it he wouldn’t be afraid to physically stand up for himself or those he cared about either.
That was the way it was back then. Gransh was what I suppose you could describe as a “man’s man”. He was a provider and a true family man. Something which he picked up from his father and has since been passed down to mine. He loved his family more than anything, including my grandmother or Nan as we called her. She sadly passed away when I was two and I really resent not having any memories of her apart from the stories passed on to me by family members.
One of my favourite things to do was to go to his bungalow and watch football with him on a Sunday. He could literally sit in his chair all day watching sport whether it was football, rugby, snooker or cricket. He even travelled abroad to places like Sri Lanka to watch cricket as that’s how much he loved sport.
He had his competitive side to other sports aside from football. He was a keen darts and skittles player but it’s fair to say his signature sport post retirement was most definitely bowls. He’d spend hours upon hours on the greens with the dear friends he had in his local bowls club. He was well liked and respected up there so much that he even became President at one point.
Gransh even tried to get me involved at a young age. I gave it a try but in the end it wasn’t for me. Like many things, I didn’t inherit his sporting prowess but after my Nan passed away, the bowls club was his sanctuary when he wasn’t in the house on his own. He had some really incredible friends up there as well as some great memories on the now legendary trips they used to take to Dublin.
He used to come along with me and my dad to watch Wales playing international football games in Cardiff and it was like having my own personal pundit and encyclopaedia of football with me.
He’d tell me stories of the great Welsh players of the past like John Charles, John Toshack, Ivor Allchurch and Cliff Jones. I’d be enthralled by his tales and memories of years gone by and he loved the fact I was excited and entertained by the modern players. He knew it wasn’t just a hobby to me as he felt exactly the same.
His storytelling was top tier. It didn’t matter how many times I heard his stories, I just hung on his every word. Like I said previously, you could see the joy and love in his eyes talking about the good times he spent with his family.
He was proud of his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. We all loved him back and I can honestly say he is, was and forever will be my favourite person and my hero.
Sadly like many people in the UK, my Gransh starting developing symptoms of what was later diagnosed as dementia. Over 850,000 people in the UK are currently known to have this illness and after the age of 65, the likelihood of developing dementia roughly doubles every five years.
When he was diagnosed, it broke me and more so my dad really struggled. He works 12 hour shifts most days as a carer in assisted living and he’d spend his days off making sure Gransh was ok. Gransh’s condition worsened pretty quickly. He was always well dressed and apart from his trademark sideburns he’d always be clean shaven.
Due to his illness getting the better of him, he grew a long beard and his physical wellbeing was also a risk. He had a couple of falls at home which resulted in a few stays at hospital. It eventually got to the point where the best thing for him was to have round the clock care and he was moved into a home.
That really hit us hard. Every time I saw him it broke me. I cried so many times because it shocked me how different he looked. Dementia as an illness is a growing challenge as it’s one of the most important health and care issues facing the world. It is estimated that one in three people will care for a person with dementia in their lifetime. Over half of these are employed and the staff at the care home Gransh was in were incredible.
He still had moments where he was charming the staff or wowing us with his usual wit, but then he’d get confused and wonder why he was there instead of being at home. To see someone so full of life and character like my Gransh go through something like this was heartbreaking to see.
Like many people, I went through a lot of emotions. At first I was angry as I tried finding someone or something to blame for all of this. It was all happening around the time I was really struggling with my mental health and like I did a lot back then, I bottled up how I was feeling. It manifested itself in a negative way as I’d break down crying when I was on my own.
I just couldn’t understand how something so cruel could effect someone I love and as I came to terms with my own illness, I read up on dementia and understood more about it. By doing that, I realised just how incredible the carers at the home was and how grateful I was for everything they were doing for him.
The care system is the UK is seriously underfunded but what those men and women did goes well beyond their pay grade, especially in the times we’re in due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Night and day they made sure he was cared for and he really was in the best place for him. It still broke me to see him in the way he was despite the glimpses of the Gransh I knew still being there.
He only met my fiancée a couple of times but when he did, he told me that she was too pretty for me but then winked and said “just kidding, you’ve got a handsome boy there”. That made the world to me as those glimpses of who Gransh was in front of my fiancée gave her chance to see why he was my hero.
As upset as I was to see him go through this horrible and cruel illness, it also broke me seeing my dad struggle. It’s fair to say my dad definitely has an old school approach when it comes to his emotions. There’s only been a few times where I’ve seen him cry and I’m glad in this instance that he didn’t bottle it up. It’s better to let it out instead of suppressing those feelings.
Everything he did for Gransh these last few years was proof to how much he loved his father. I’m so proud to call him my dad and if I go on to be half the man he and Gransh are then I know I’ve done alright in life. He always says Gransh brought him up the right way and he’s done likewise with me.
There’s a picture of the three of us on a family holiday to Devon which was taken back when I was about 14 and I always think back to that as a visual definition of how close we were.
As time went on, Gransh’s condition deteriorated even further. He passed away in the early hours on the 10th of February and until his last day he was cared for by fantastic staff at the care home. They really made the last period of his life as comfortable as they could have and in the past year they’ve gone through the most unreal of challenges with COVID.
A few days after his passing, I wrote a post on their Facebook group thanking them for everything that they’ve done. I can’t really put into words just how much I respect anyone in that line of work. The challenges they face must be challenging on so may levels but they really are incredible and underrated for everything they do.
I really hate saying this, but it’s true to say that it was a blessing for Gransh. That’s no way for anyone to live and I wouldn’t wish that illness on my worst enemy. When I was told, it was in the middle of the night and for a few hours I just lay there trying to process it. It wasn’t until later on that day I realised I hadn’t cried.
When I eventually confided in my fiancée and my parents about this, they helped me realise that it hadn’t really hit me yet, despite the fact that we knew it was coming.
I felt a bit frustrated with myself as everyone else showed emotion and although I didn’t bottle it up, I couldn’t cry. Why was this happening? He was in my thoughts constantly so why wasn’t I upset?
For a period I was isolating myself by staying in my room and was overthinking everything. I was getting more frustrated as I knew I wasn’t suppressing any feelings. In the end something clicked in my head as to why I was feeling this way.
Turns out I was upset and although I was grieving, I was dealing with it in my own way. Whilst my Dad was having a cry along with my Mam, sister and other family members, I cried so much in the latter part of his life that when he did pass away, it really was a blessing for him.
He wasn’t suffering anymore and that’s what was most important for him. He didn’t deserve that and I knew going forward I had to remember the Gransh I knew and loved.
For the time leading to his funeral, we reminisced so much. So many stories and memories were shared. We laughed and I know that’s Gransh would have wanted. Going forward I’ll tell those stories to anyone who wants to hear them.
Anything from him mishearing me asking if he fancied going on the Pirate Ship in Brixham, but instead he thought I was asking if he wanted pie and chips minutes after we’d had a three course meal. Also, where he noticed I’d just bought a CD and told me to put it on in his car. It’s fair to say it was the first and last time Gransh ever listened to My Chemical Romance!
I have family which I’m close to who live in Derby and I spoke to my Auntie on the phone a couple of days before his funeral. We both agreed that he would have made a brilliant after dinner speaker as he could entertain anyone with his wit or storytelling. He did everything for his family and if it was up to him, his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren could do or be anything they wanted to be.
The day of his funeral wasn’t the sendoff that Gransh deserved. Due to the pandemic it was only family allowed and we couldn’t even have a proper service due to social distancing and other regulations.
We were briefly allowed in the chapel of rest and it was there that it really hit me. The size of his coffin really shocked me due to the weight he’d lost due to his illness. I didn’t really say anything as I just stood there and stared at the coffin.
Whilst I was doing that, I focused on the memories and the mental image I had of Gransh as I knew him at his best. People deal with grief in different ways. Similar to me, my sister didn’t say much either, we just stayed quiet whilst other family members talked about Gransh.
I was also overthinking another important aspect of the day as my Dad asked me to be a bearer to carry the coffin. At first I didn’t know what to think or say as I’d never thought I’d be asked to do something like that.
When I thought about it, typical of me I thought “what if I mess up?” and I don’t have a clue what to do. My Mam and Dad quickly reassured me as the gentlemen from the Funeral Directors were there to talk me through it and if I struggled they could take incase it got too much for me.
It never got to that point as the main thought which stayed with me was that this is how I could really show Gransh how much I love him. This was how much I respected him and what he meant to me. It was an honour to do this and although it was a very hard thing to do, I’d have done anything for him and I got through it for Gransh.
On the way to the cemetery so many people came out to pay respects. People stood near the pub he had for many years in my home village. Some of his friends from the bowls club stood near the club in their ties and blazers and as well as the family members who attended, it really was touching to see just how many people loved and respected him.
Hopefully down the line when restrictions are eased, we can arrange a proper tribute to him where we can have a drink or two in his honour. It was mentioned a few times that we’d have had had a good drinking session that day if it was possible.
Gransh loved a pint and could drink like the best of them. Sadly I don’t think his drinking prowess has passed down to me either but I’ll try my best when the occasion presents itself!
He will live on in mine and my family’s memory forever. If I’m ever lucky to become a father, I’ll tell my kids all about Gransh and all the amazing things he did. Even that he was the first person I ever swore at when I was 3 years old. Because he wouldn’t let me sit in his car, I called him a bastard and his reaction was a mixture of shock and laughter. He didn’t know whether to give me a row or laugh his head off but that’s the type of man he was.
I miss him every day. Little things remind me of him whether it’s his love of Al Jolson, the ‘Match of the Day’ theme song, Nottingham Forest, bowls or seeing a Dai cap as that was his signature hat. He owned hundreds of those and when I was a kid I used to make him laugh by wearing them backwards.
The picture I’m sharing as the cover for this blog post is pretty much my favourite one of him and is Gransh personified. For Christmas a few years ago, me and my sister had a cushion made for him personalised with the message “Reserved For Gransha”. He absolutely loved it and used it to make his comfy chair even more comfortable.
He even took it with him to hospital visits, the home and it was with him when he was laid to rest next to my Nan. I like to think that after all these years they’re back together and although I don’t have any memories of Nan that are my own, from what my Mam, Dad and other family members tell me, they were inseparable and loved each other very much.
Going forward he’s inspiring me to be a better person. He was proud of the family he raised as is my Dad. I want to raise a family based on the morals he has passed down and like I said before, if I go on to be half the man he was, I know I’ve done well in life.
I want to pay tribute to him in a special way whilst also raising money for a very dear charity to me and the family which is Dementia UK. The organisation supports funding for carers which help those who’re effected by Dementia as well as offering support and guidance to the families. I did raise money in honour of Gransh back on New Years Eve in 2019. I took part in the Nos Galan race and completed it.
He couldn’t believe it when I showed him my medal. At first he thought I won it but when he realised what I did, he was so proud and like many times before, it made cry. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but whatever it is, I hope I can make him proud.
Ok I’ve shared some information on Dementia and Dementia UK at the bottom of the post. Hopefully with the research and fundraising that’s going into helping those with those cruel illness, hopefully one day it can be defeated. The carers, homes and organisations need more help to carry on their incredible work. Without them my Gransh wouldn’t have had the care and comfort he had in his last couple of years.
Me and my family are forever grateful to everyone as Ysguborwen Care Home. Their dedication to the residents definitely doesn’t go unnoticed and full respect goes to every single staff member who works there.
Thank you to everyone who’s read this post. It’s probably the most personal and in depth piece I’ve written since the early days of the blog and this is my tribute to my hero, my Gransh, the one and only Desmond Henry Crisp.
Love you Gransh,
Josh 🖤
www.nhs.uk/conditions/dementia/about/
MIND OVER NOISE 