As the song from Staind says, “it’s been a while”. Nearly 3 months have passed since I posted my last blog entry and so much has happened. Mostly positive things have occurred and I’ve said many times during this journey, I’m not going to write for the sake of it. Every post I’ve written and plan to write has meaning and reason behind them.
I’ve also said on many occasions that reflection is very important. In order to grow and understand your mental health better, you do have to have a look back at what was the catalysts behind your negative thought patterns. By doing that you’ll remind yourself as to what pretty much made you feel like shit.
It’s a difficult process at times but during reflection, you’ll find just how much you’ve grown since those dark days. I can honestly say that I’m in a better place than where I was when I first got diagnosed with anxiety and depression but I’m a fair bit away from where I want to be. I still get bad days but trust me, there’s plenty of more good day and I put that down to a number of factors.
First of all, I simply put myself first. To realise that you’re holding yourself back isn’t an easy process. Instead of feeling dread and self sabotaging any chance I had of happiness, I knew that if I had a chance of finding a part of my life where I felt comfortable and even loved, it was where I could be myself and not let the darkness win.
Positive thinking along with the medication that I was prescribed, regular exercise such as walking and breathing exercises was massive in helping me towards a more healthier mindset. I was also going to counselling sessions, reading books again for the first time in ages and enjoying other things I’d put on the back burner for a while like listening to music and watching films.
During the counselling sessions, I was asked a very important question, “do you feel you have to make more effort with some people than they do with you?”. That was like an epiphany as so many thoughts came flooding into my head where I was in social situations with people I considered friends where I had to go out of my way to ensure they “liked me”.
I’ve briefly mentioned these people before as they were people who would take things a bit too far when it came to so called “banter”. They would be the type of people who when you’re one to one with them, they’d be the nicest person but as soon as there was a crowd, they’d be a totally different person.
Whether it was jibes about my weight, things I was interested in or anything else about me, on numerous occasions they’d make an example out of me to get a laugh. There would be times where I’d go home early from a night out because in front of everyone they’d say “that polo shirt looks a bit tight on you. Better head to the gym.” Honestly, they made me feel like shit.
It wasn’t just me they’d make examples of and I’m sure it hurt those other people just as much as my experiences did. I’ll put my hands up and admit that there’s jokes and banter in any friendship group. However, when you’re the joke over and over again and you feel anxious when you’re around these people, then it’s such a fucking awful thing to go through.
I didn’t realise just how much it effected me until I was directed onto the topic of “toxic environments” by my counsellor. I learned that being in those types of environments is very detrimental towards a person’s wellbeing and the effects are quite damaging.
At first, I thought it only referred to those who’re in a romantic relationship but I quickly learned that it this topic can be used in other contexts. Friendships, work relationships and teammates are just some other examples where these things occur and the more I looked into it, the more I realised just how it resonated with my situation.
There are many signs that you can look out for when you’re assessing as to whether you’re in a toxic relationship:
1. You don’t feel good enough. You feel like nothing you do is quite right and are constantly trying to prove your worth. You constantly seek the other person’s validation and acceptance.
2. You can’t be yourself. You feel you have to walk on eggshells and second guess everything you do. You feel you need to think twice before you speak and you feel you have to act or behave a certain way. You’re afraid to bring things up because you’re not sure how the other persons will react.
3. You feel like you’re the problem. The other person doesn’t take responsibility for their actions and instead blames you. Your self worth is effected as you feel that your personality traits are what’s causing the problem.
4. You start to withdraw from participating in activities, hobbies, interests or seeing people in your life as your self esteem and confidence in yourself is at an all time low.
A lot of these signs hit home with me pretty much straight away. My self esteem was at rock bottom and I felt afraid to go out as I was in fear of any further ridicule. I still say that my fatal flaws are overthinking and pessimism and that didn’t help the situation but being involved with this particular group made me feel a lot worse at the end of a night out than I did at the start.
A study at Harvard University found that toxic environments can expose us to high levels of stress and it will contribute to mental as well as physical issues further down the line. Toxic stressors can typically be uncontrollable and will be experienced without the effect of having support.
It can introduce an immediate or chronic fear for own integrity. Neuroscientists have discovered that brain patterns are developed by our experiences and by doing that have helped establish that toxic environments is very harmful to our mental wellbeing. It can even stem from experiences of childhood bullying that will dent our confidence and that will have a lasting effect on us in later life.
Those who know me really well will know I second guess myself and see the negative side of things a lot. When it comes to new situations, I swear it’s me doing a bungee jump as I’m that anxious about it. It’s more noticeable now but a long time ago I used to be able to put on a front.
I’d feel like this in a lot of situations. I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m not athletically gifted in any way, shape or form. In fact I didn’t even go to a gym until I was 20. When I did, some of the friendship group I referred to laughed and said “what? You? In a gym?”. At that time, I didn’t quit going, just I wouldn’t tell them when I was going so I’d feel like I’d have to keep it a secret.
Same goes with football. I love the game and have been a fan for most of my life. At the same time, I knew early on that I was never going to be the next Cristiano Ronaldo or Zlatan Ibrahimovic. I’d play because I enjoyed it but my lack of skill would be hilarious to some of them to the point where they’d keep telling me “I’m shit” and other things.
Like I said, I know I’m awful but I kept on trying. I would laugh with them and pretend to agree as I’d hope by doing that they’d stop and everything would die down. Things would get to me eventually and I would stop going to five a side and other opportunities for a kickabout because my confidence was so low. I’d go back with the hope that it won’t happen now but eventually it would and I’d be back to square one.
I hate using this as an excuse but I do have Dyspraxia (also known as developmental co-ordination disorder (DCD) ) which means that I have problems with my balance and coordination. Those who’re close to me know this and I don’t want to feel any pity over it but it does have an effect when I used to do PE and other exercise and still does to this day.
I’m planning on writing a post more focused on how I’ve grown up with Dyspraxia and it’s symptoms somewhere down the line. The fact remains that yeah maybe I should have spoke up a bit about it but at the same time, why should I have to? If I hit a bad pass or a shot flies over the bar, that’s normal but there’s a line and it was most definitely crossed.
As I said earlier, the counselling sessions were massive in helping me reflect and assess just what was contributing to my downfall. Of course the toxic relationships I had with these so called “friends” weren’t the only factor but it helped me realise that if you surround yourself with good people who appreciate you for who you are, you’ll flourish.
By doing that, I quite simply cut off contact with those people and haven’t looked back since. The friends I have now will be my friends for the rest of life and I’m forever grateful for them because I know I can talk to them if I’m struggling and I’d be there for them as well.
Yes, there’s plenty of banter and friendly insults but if I and they know we’ve crossed a line, we’ll address it, make peace and move on. That’s what true friendship is and should be in any situation.
Even in a more public platform such as social media, I know I’ve probably tagged or commented on a friend’s post and said stuff that I regret. I apologise and would take full responsibility because as you get older you have to hold yourself accountable.
There’s plenty of examples now where so called “trolls” or just plain dickheads think they’re being funny by poking fun at a person’s weight, image, sexuality or other aspects of their life. Fact of the matter is that they’re too ignorant and stupid to realise what harm they’re doing to that person.
That’s something I’ve learned the hard way as I’ve experienced it first hand. I’ve been made an example of online more than once and it’s an awful feeling. So much that I’ve gone to bed and not slept because of the sense of dread and embarrassment.
A lot of this has come from people I considered friends. Maybe I use social media a bit too much and I know a joke’s a joke but you shouldn’t have to come away feeling anxious and shit about yourself all because of what some clown has said about you on a website. It’s a shame that people are cowardly and horrible in that way but unfortunately it’s the time we live in.
At the end of the day, these people need to realise that they’re an adult now. They need to grow up, hold themselves accountable for their actions and realise that not everyone is “thick skinned” and could be struggling.
“Be kind” isn’t a trendy hashtag or saying, it’s a matter of human decency. You’ve seen many examples of people like Caroline Flack and other high profile celebrities who’s personal life was dragged into the public eye and was subjected to horrific abuse online as well as being hounded by the press.
Just think about what you say, it’s not hard. I know I’m no saint and there’s been times where I’ve been horrible and have hurt people of which I hold myself accountable for. Some bridges have been rebuilt and some won’t be and that’s something I have to live with but if I ever made anyone feel like that again, I’d feel disgusted with myself.
I’m working every day to try and be a better person. Putting my own well-being first is essential to that and also realising that certain environments and relationships are detrimental to your mental health is very important.
If you find that you have to go out of your way in order for someone to like you or that being extra nice to someone will stop them making examples out of you, that’s a sign that you can do better. I realised it and it did me the world of good. Surround yourself with people who appreciate you, make you feel happy and that you can trust.
A strong friendship group, along with a supportive family is incredible and once again I thank them for being there as I don’t know what I’d do without them.
Thank you for reading this. Know I ranted and went on a bit but this was something that had been playing on my mind for a while and it feels bloody good to finally put it into words. For any guidance, I’ve posted links to some incredible organisations that have been helpful during my tough times.
Help is out there and people do care. The most important thing is that you matter so keep being yourself as you’re awesome and we’re in this together.
As always, take care, stay safe and until next time, don’t think of this as a goodbye but more of a see you later!
MIND OVER NOISE 