In many of the posts that I’ve written over the past year or so, I often talk about how reflection is very important. To look back and see how far you’ve come from the low points to where you are now just shows that self belief and strength can go a long way.
As I’ve mentioned before, just over 4 years ago, I was at my lowest and I didn’t value myself, I wasn’t putting my happiness as well as my mental health first. I would binge drink on nights out to block out the negative thoughts, I’d also lie to those closest to me and pretty much hated the person that I was.
It came to a fateful night where it all became too much for me and I simply broke down on a night out. I contemplated doing something stupid but I somehow I found myself opening up to one of my closest and dearest friends. Without doing that, I dread to imagine where I’d be now if it wasn’t for that person because she encouraged me to seek help.
I did seek help, and during that time, by talking to counsellors they encouraged me to put my happiness first. My self worth was so low that I purposely ruined any chance of finding a relationship with anyone. I’d self sabotage any situation which presented that opportunity because I didn’t believe I could be happy and also felt I wasn’t good enough.
By finally talking about this with the counsellor, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and eventually I felt confident enough to try and find someone. Eventually, I met a girl who is now my fiancée. I felt happy and found love. I opened up to her about my struggles and she was understanding and supportive as I knew that being open and honest was the best thing for the both of us.
My mental health has been up and down since then and in late 2018, it went really low again where if it wasn’t for her, I’d have been in a worse place than I was just a year before. It was around Christmas and in the space of a few days I went from feeling on top of the world to rock bottom.
It got so bad that I spent a time contemplating to end it by standing on a bridge but I realised that I’d cause pain for her and my family and friends. She encouraged me to seek help and talk about my issues so I went back to the doctors. This took longer than my first serious battle and I didn’t even go out locally for 6 months. I also deleted my social media accounts and kept a very low profile.
I was out on tablets that I’m still on to this day and I’ve also grown to accept that being on medication isn’t a bad thing. I will happily talk about it as it’s just the same as taking asthma pumps or wearing glasses. They’re prescribed to help me and I will offer support to anyone new to taking medication as well.
As time went on, my confidence returned gradually and I started going out locally. I also spoke openly about my struggles which eventually led to me doing this blog. It was during this time, I realised something that I really wanted to do. The realisation was I wanted to propose. We had a trip to Dublin planned and I knew it would have been perfect as she loves that place.
I put the plan in motion by buying a ring and asking her parents for permission. Of course it was granted and everything was in place. I planned on popping the question on our first night in Dublin and unlike other situations where my anxiety would set in, I didn’t feel nervous but instead I was excited. I couldn’t wait for it.
We went out for a meal and went for a walk by the canal and I didn’t dither ask I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me. She of course said yes and to this day it’s the best moment of my life.
About an hour after I proposed, I was waiting to be served in a bar and I had a moment of reflection. I realised just how far I’ve come. I went from breaking down to one of my best friends whilst on a night out and feeling like there was no way back. Fast forward to that moment and I was with a girl who loves me and wants to spend the rest of her lift with me. Things don’t get much better than that.
A few weeks after returning from our trip, we started the journey to become home owners. At the time we didn’t realise just how long it would take but we went to the bank and set up our Help To Buy ISA’s which was a massive boost. It’s a government scheme designed to help you save for a mortgage deposit to buy a home. To qualify you must be a first time buyer and that was perfect for me and my fiancée.
The pandemic certainly had an impact on our plans as we went the best part of 10 weeks without seeing each other and it made us more determined to find a house together. We started saving more and started looking at houses on the internet.
By March of this year, we had enough saved for a deposit and consulted with a mortgage advisor and knew then that we were ready to start viewing houses. We looked at a couple where we put offers in and were disappointed as our offers weren’t accepted. To our detriment, it’s a very difficult time to buy a house as there’s so many others in the market.
Some were even putting offers on houses without even looking at them which was so frustrating for us. If anything it spurred us on even more and we came across a house just when we needed a bit of luck to come our way. The house in question is the one that is now ours and when I say we were lucky, we really were. We happened to be the first people to view it and apart from a few quirks, we fell in love with it.
It had been renovated by a developer who purchased it as a “fixer upper” to then sell on. The work hadn’t been completed but the majority of it had and we couldn’t believe our luck. We immediately put an offer in after the viewing and a few mins after getting home, we had a call from the estate agent to say that it had been accepted! We were over the moon but knew the real work and stress was yet to come.
Of course we had to arrange a mortgage. We had a mortgage in principal with the advisor in place to show we had funds available for a deposit but the actual application to get an actual mortgage in place had begun. We also got ourselves a solicitor which my fiancée sorted as there was a local one that her family used in the past.
The process took a bit longer than we thought and there was one or two instances where I thought it was going to fall apart. One instance was that the mortgage lender that was processing the application, wanted to inspect the property to ensure the amount that we agreed on for the purchase of the house was sufficient enough for them to lend us that amount of money.
They found that the property was overpriced and valued it a few thousand pounds cheaper than what was agreed. This immediately sent me into a worry and I did have an anxiety attack as like many situations, I thought of the worst case scenario. I thought was all going to fall apart but my fiancée reassured me and once I calmed down via some breathing exercises, I started thinking logically.
We explained to the situation to the estate agent and advised that we couldn’t make up the few thousand that the seller wanted but we were committed to that house and weren’t looking at any more houses. Also, in comparison to other properties in the area, our house was overpriced and our mortgage advisor had the information to back that up.
Thankfully it fell in our favour as the seller agreed to sell it for the price that was deemed appropriate by the survey. That meant the purchase was back on but there were a few others bumps along the road before the house was ours. Frustration was a common theme along with uncertainty and anxiety as time went on.
As previously mentioned, the seller bought the house as a “fixer upper” to then sell on so we were promised a lot of work was to be completed before everything was finalised. They were very keen for us to sign and get things pushed over the line as soon as possible but we were given assurances that the work would be completed first.
For example, when we first viewed the house there was a huge mess in the garden with building materials/supplies as work was still ongoing. Promises were made to finish the work as soon as possible as well as clean the mess. A particular promise was an eyesore of an old shed would be knocked down to be turned into hard standing for off-road parking at the rear of the house.
What the developer didn’t realise was that my fiancée lived with her parents quite literally down the road. So when we were contacted by the developer’s solicitors asking why haven’t we signed, we kept reminding them about the promises that were made.
Just seemed like there was some hurdles constantly being thrown in front of us and it played hell with my anxiety. I’d gone a few months without an anxiety attack and one night I woke up in the middle of the night with a massive one. It felt like the world was closing in around me and someone was gripping my chest. Honestly, it was the worst one I’ve had since I had really bad episode at the end of 2018.
At that point, I knew I needed to step up in some aspects. I spoke to Anxiety UK and the advisor spent a few hours to reassure me and pointed me to some great coping techniques. I started breathing exercises again, something I hadn’t done in a while but I still do now because it’s such a great calming technique.
Another one was countdowns like 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear etc. It really gives me a sense of concentration away from the anxious moment and brings me back down to a calmer frame of mind. It’s simple techniques but they make a massive difference.
I also had a couple of days away with my fiancée. Due to COVID restrictions, our holiday to Cyprus got postponed but instead we booked a little staycation to Tenby. I hadn’t been there in years and it made a hell of a difference. The sea air, change of scenery and a chilled atmosphere gave me a massive lift. It gave a sense of clarity to get some shit sorted and most importantly helped me have a calmer state of mind.
When we get back I was even more determined to get this house sale sorted. Thankfully, the seller sorted out what we wanted done and we signed for the house in September. Just like that, I was co-owning a house with my fiancée. It took a few minutes to hit home but I then thought about how far I’d come in a couple of years. I’d gone from considering ending it all by standing on a bypass bridge to feeling more happy than I’d ever have been in my life.
I’d gone in the space of just under 4 years from feeling the loneliest I’ve ever felt. Self sabotaging any chance of happiness because I didn’t feel good enough. Hurting people that cared because I didn’t feel worthy to be cared about to finally seeking help and eventually standing up and putting myself first.
Meeting the most amazing, supportive and loving woman who would then say yes when I popped the question. The next chapter was in full swing, we were home owners! We knew the real hard work was about to begin but came about rather quickly. Albeit with delays, we got our furniture set and our bed. Most importantly (jokes), the TV was sorted along with Sky TV/broadband!
When a few things were sorted we decided to move in at the beginning of November. We didn’t have the sofas for a couple of weeks so it was camping chairs for a little while. Now I have my chair to sit in (yes, it’s MY CHAIR!) and the house is gradually coming along and becoming our home. I’ve been told quite often that “there’s always something to do”, and we’ve got plenty to sort out but we’re happy and settling in nicely.
Of course, it was emotional leaving my parents. I’d only ever lived in the same house for the entirety of my 30 years on this earth. I cried a bit after my parents left the house after helping me move my things. For a couple of days it was a case where I cried a few more times but it wasn’t because I felt bad, it was a new chapter in my life and a big change.
I saw it that way and the more things we added in terms of a lick of paint, more furniture etc, the more we felt at home. Like I said before, I’m happy. In fact it’s the happiest I’ve ever been and although I’ve had the odd bad day, I know that I’m in a great position in terms of a support network. I’m also finally doing grown up things at the age of 30 like buying a house but it’s an exciting prospect. The bill paying is annoying but that’s life eh?
I took a further plunge into serious adulthood for 2022 as I recently passed my driving theory. I’ve always held it off as I thought very anxious about driving. Going back to my dyspraxia, I was worried about my hand coordination and my confidence was really not high enough to go down the driving route.
Enough was enough so I put the revision in and even though it was a bit of a stressful time, I passed and now the real work begins with driving lessons. I’m not one for pressuring myself with New Years resolutions but I have promised to put sort myself out a bit. I did have a bit of a low point but put it down to January blues. This time of year is challenging for so many people but I did speak to my fiancée as well as some close friends who helped massively.
The last week or so, I’ve felt like me. When I say that, nearly back to my best. I’m cracking shit jokes, I’m enjoying listening to music, I’m meeting with friends soon for a night out and planning to go to some gigs. I’ve got so much planned for this year in terms of trips away, gigs, stuff for the house and of course blog stuff.
This is the start of a busy yet creative time for me. I’m happy with my life for the first time in years. I’ve got a future, something I can be proud of and a loving fiancée. In fact, she’s actually in the picture I’ve posted with this blog entry. Ain’t she pretty folks?
Things are looking up but I know I can bounce back from the bad days. Doing this blog and reflecting is a huge thing for a me and I still want to help people in difficult situations.
I’ve had people message me thanking me for doing this. Compliments have always been something I’ve struggled with but I just want people to come away with a positive mindset, knowing that help is out there and asking for it isn’t a bad thing. Please, do the right thing as we’d rather you be here and get healthy than not be here at all.
It’s a cliche but storms don’t last forever. We’ll get through this together and the stigmas are getting smaller by the day. Please take care, stay safe and until next time don’t see this as a goodbye but more of a see you later!
MIND OVER NOISE 