It’s been a while hasn’t it? The last time I uploaded a blog post was in March of 2022. About a year later, I decided to step back from it as I’d gone a year without writing anything and felt my passion for writing had gone.
I remembered a promise I made to myself on the day I uploaded my very first blog entry. What started off as making notes during times where I felt overwhelmed with anxiety and was in a dark place, it turned into sentences, then paragraphs and so on. Writing is something I was passionate about in my school days. Whether it was creatively or on a subject I was interested in, I’d lose myself in it and found a great outlet.
It returned when I realised how the writing came about by total accident and the idea of blogging came to me quite quickly. However there was one rather major hurdle… My confidence.
Doubts filled my mind, the anxiety was raging but eventually I realised it was a new experience for me and of course the doubts would be there. I had my coping mechanisms so after some breathing exercises and a few instances were I pressed “post” and then undid it, I finally posted it and as they say the rest is history.
Fast forward to March 2022 and I’d written 44 posts. I’d moved from writing about my own experiences and went on to talk to people who shared their amazing stories. As those 2 years went on, things changed in my personal and professional life which impacted the time I had for the blog.
In October 2021, me and my then fiancée moved into our first home and it took a few months to get things sorted where it really felt like our place. From a professional standpoint, I was on furlough during lockdown so had more free time on my hands. I made time for it when I went back to work, using journeys to and from work as well as bits of free time to write or record content for the blog. When the house move happened, that time wasn’t there and with that my passion dwindled.
Going back to the promise I made myself, right at the start I pledged that I would never write for the sake of writing. Putting content out there that didn’t have the right effort, passion and input that someone reading it deserved. As my personal life changed, my professional one did too as I got a new job and that justifiably took my focus as well.
I wrote a post saying I wouldn’t write for the foreseeable. I do believe in a “never say never” mindset as if it’s something that brought out a creative outlet and portrays a positive message then why not? So I left it at that and although I still used the instagram page
In 2024, I thought I was ready to get back on the proverbial horse and even announced it on the instagram page but to say I jumped the gun was a massive understatement. Pretty much as soon as I put that post up, doubts started filling my mind and other factors gradually came into play.
As you’ve probably guessed already, it takes a lot for me to do something. I always second guess myself and self confidence is pretty low. I guess due to it being so long since I posted anything, a few questions popped into my head. “Will people still read it? “Do they think you’re genuine?” Do they think you’re talking shit?” It got to the point where I was more or less convincing myself to not go back to writing.
I guess that plays into a negative trait of mine where I’ve always felt the need to people please. If someone doesn’t like me or a negative experience happens, I feel I have to go out of my way to be extra nice so having a negative experience like that did make me think “oh maybe this is all a bad idea then?”.
It further fuelled the doubt and in the end I just thought for the time being, I could still share tips and positivity around mental health with the instagram page. Deep down I knew I wasn’t ready and I guessed I was kidding myself a bit. Just when things started to get better within myself, opportunities in my working life occurred as well as something out of my control that impacted one of my loved ones took importance over everything.
May of 2024 was a rollercoaster of a month. I got a chance to go to Belfast on a work trip. I’d never travelled alone before and although it was daunting going to a new place on my own for a few days, I loved it. There was a time where I’d never have backed myself to do something like that and would have turned the opportunity down. I’m glad I did it and it most certainly was a huge confidence boost to the point where I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
Another opportunity presented itself where I had an opportunity to apply for a promotion. Once again the doubts were in my head where I felt like an imposter and that I didn’t deserve it. I spoke to my manager who pretty much told me that what I was thinking was understandable in terms of doubt/nervousness but I was more than capable of doing the job and without applying, I’d never know.
Thankfully, it worked out and for the first time in my working life, I backed myself to the point where I got the promotion. Imposter syndrome kicked in again until I felt settled in the job. People told me that I worked hard for it and deserved it, even though I’ve always found it difficult to back myself in those situations, eventually I accepted it.
There was one factor which took massive importance over the others and to say it was personal would be a huge understatement. We always think of our parents of being somewhat superhuman and that nothing can have an impact on them. Around the time I was due to go to Belfast and where I was applying for the promotion, we got the awful news that my Mam had been diagnosed with cancer.
This is something I’m going to write about in more detail but you don’t imagine these sort of scenarios. I just became overcome with so many emotions. Sadness, worry, concern and even anger. I didn’t handle it well but typical of my Mam she kept reassuring me that it was caught early and it was treatable.
As time went on, she had treatment and she fought so much. Seeing such a vibrant, independent person like my mother struggle and hurt so much was heartbreaking. I felt awful for feeling the way I did because I felt I should have been strong and it wasn’t about me. Friends and family members reassured me saying it was ok for me to feel the way I did but typical of me, I sunk lower.
I supported my Mam as much as I could but there was plenty of times where I’d just cry. I’d sit there in my chair and just bawl. My loved ones including my Mam would tell me there’s plenty for me to be looking forward to personally and professionally but for me, until I knew she was ok, I felt like I couldn’t put myself first.
Eventually I sought out counselling as I confided in my manager at work. I was referred to a programme in work which offers support which helped massively as I got to unload a lot of how I was feeling. The counsellor helped me realise that the guilt I was feeling was normal as I wanted the best for my Mam but at the same time I was allowed to process my emotions too.
Over time I accepted that and also my Mam’s treatment went on to the point where she’s now more or less in the all clear! She’s getting stronger every day and back to herself which is massive. She showed so much determination and I couldn’t be more proud to be her son.
2024 definitely had it’s ups and downs. 2025 was a year to look forward to. As my Mam was getting better, it meant the world to me as she got to witness me get married to the love of my life. I’ve mentioned before about how important Rachel has been and I dread to think where I’d be without her. In April of last year, we finally tied the knot with all of our friends and family in attendance.
Again, this is something I’m going to write about in more detail at some point, but as someone who wasn’t used to having the attention on them, I’d go through that day again in a heartbeat. Once Rach walked down the aisle all of my nerves disappeared. Everything felt right in the world and all the pieces of the puzzle felt like they fitted together.
Even the speech went well in the sense that people laughed at my jokes (probably pity but I’m counting it!), people cried at the emotional bits and I held myself together and didn’t crumble. It really was the perfect day where I got to sign the deal on spending the rest of my life with the most beautiful, amazing woman with the people who matter the most to us in attendance.
So, that’s where I am now. I’m married, in a job I enjoy and still an anxious, awkward so and so but I’m gradually accepting myself for who I am. This journey will always be educational. I know every day won’t be fine but it’s important to acknowledge the bad ones, own it and then we go again the next day.
Coping mechanisms like breathing exercises, note taking, going for a walk, listening to music, watching a film or other means of self care is massive. If you need to call a helpline, speak to a loved one, go online for research or even to the point where you call the doctors, you’re doing the best thing because you are putting yourself first.
You don’t feel like it at the time but you’re doing the best thing you can do. At the point where you look back later down the line and you think “wow, that was the best thing I could have done”, that’s a huge achievement because you’re growing and proving that the darkness doesn’t win.
Thank you for reading. I know I ramble on so your patience means the world to me. Please take care, stay safe and most importantly, KEEP BEING YOU!
@mindcharity – 0300 123 3393, http://www.mind.org.uk
@samaritanscharity – 116 123, http://www.samaritans.org
@anxietyukofficial – 03444 775 774, http://www.anxietyuk.org.uk
@papyrus_uk – 0800 068 4141, http://www.papyrus-uk.org
@giveusashoutinsta – Text SHOUT to 85258, giveusashout.org
#MentalHealthMatters #NeverGiveUp🖤
MIND OVER NOISE 