It’s very frustrating when you attempt to do something and find that you’re not very good at it. No matter how much you practice, it just won’t happen and you keep blaming yourself but the reality is, it’s not your fault at all.

As I mentioned briefly in my last blog post, I have Dyspraxia. It’s also known as Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD) which is quite common as 10% of the current population are known to have been affected by this. Males are four times more likely to have Dyspraxia than females and it has been known to run in families.

It’s often confused with Dyslexia but the main symptoms are that it effects your coordination, movement as well as your mathematical development. Essentially, your working memory is used with maths as you need the ability to hold information such as numbers in our head and work with them to work out the sum.

Working memory means you have to do something with it aside from just in retaining the information. In 2011, 43 children with Dyspraxia took part in a study and 88% of them showed difficulty with maths. Reading this statistic immediately took me back to my school days where I struggled massively with anything number related.

To this day I struggle massively when it comes to maths. If ‘Countdown’ is on the telly, I love the letters round where I try to make a word with as many letters I can but as soon as Rachel Riley puts those numbers up, I dread it.

For example, if someone asked me to divide 45 by 4, the numbers would go into my head and nothing would happen. It’s just blank but then I get frustrated with myself and then panic as I feel I’m on a time limit.

Like I said, it was the same for me in school. When it came to English, I loved it as spelling and writing came to me quite naturally. Maths however was a huge struggle as whilst my friends were learning their 6,7,8 times table and beyond, I was still stuck on the 2,3,4,5 tables.

I remember it getting the point where when the teacher said we were doing maths, I’d lose any enthusiasm I had for school work and it would even upset me to the point of tears being shed.

I don’t remember my diagnosis but my parents have told me that it was noticed quite early on in my school days when I was either 3 or 4. My struggles with maths was a major sign along with my balance and coordination. Staying with maths, I eventually required additional support with it as a teaching assistant was there to assist me. I still see her around these days and only the last couple of years I’ve really appreciated the help she gave me.

Having homework was a tough task. I know the majority of us hated doing it but if it was Maths it was really frustrating. My Dad is quite good at maths and I can’t imagine how much patience he had whilst sitting with me. Tantrums were a plenty but I kept trying. Although my grades in maths wasn’t high and there were plenty times where I didn’t pass but my reports do say that my effort was there and to me that goes a long way.

As I went from Primary to Secondary School, I found myself kind of back to square one in many ways. I didn’t have learning support and to be honest, I didn’t really speak up too much about my struggles. It’s stupid of me to do that but I guess I had that “you’re in big school now” mentality.

Of course the teachers knew beforehand that maths wasn’t my strongest and when I did try my best, I’d still struggle. When we were put into sets from Year 8 onwards I was in the bottom set and stayed there for the duration of my time in secondary school.

I should have spoke up and mentioned that I was struggling more. I went to additional maths classes after school but it just felt like I was going around in circles. Some teachers were more helpful than others and some progress was made.

I tried other avenues like websites, CD-ROMs and workbooks to help me with it but it felt like if I took one step forward, I then found myself three steps back. It was so frustrating, especially as I was doing well in other subjects. When I did my GCSE’s, I had great results. I passed all the subjects that I was excelling in but maths was still the proverbial Achilles heel.

I failed with an F and did two resits, but the end result stayed the same. Eventually I threw in the towel and knew it just wasn’t to be.

The block I referred to is still there when I try and work something out to this very day. In the jobs I’ve worked since leaving school, numbers have been a key element. When I worked in my very first job in Tesco at age 17, I used to panic if I had to count change and my mind would go blank. I’d get worked up in my head.

In my current job, do have to add a lot of figures up and luckily I have a calculator. However, there is still a part of me that struggles with the numbers and it often puts me in a panic. However I know it’s easy to say but now I can take a breath and just take my time with it. Back in Tesco, like with school I felt like so much pressure mostly with what I put on myself.

There’s no shame in asking for help and I wish I realised that sooner. Getting myself worked up and doubting myself isn’t going to help me at all. If I struggle with something numbers wise at home, I’ll ask my fiancée. She’s a teacher so she has to be good at maths right?!

In all seriousness whether it’s in the house or work, support is massive and in my situation, it’s not that they’d be doing my work for me, it’s just sometimes I need a little help to get on the right path.

Going back to the start where I described what Dyspraxia is, the key words are most definitely, “balance and coordination”. This is effected by things such as walking in a straight line, hand movements, tying shoe laces or even something like running. Like with maths, I had my fair share of frustrations which still occur today.

With hand movements and coordination, it’s impacted via things like handwriting. I had some learning support with that as I was a bit behind the other kids in primary school when it came to writing. I was good at spelling and found it frustrating how writing the word was more difficult than actually spelling it as my hand seemed to venture off on its own journey.

With the right support and techniques, things got better though and since the age of 7/8, I haven’t really had any complaints about my handwriting. The support I had was through things like pencil/pen grips which helped me massively. It’s been known that wider stemmed writing equipment can be a massive benefit to a child learning to write, especially if they have dyslexia or dyspraxia.

I was given work sheets, where I would see a word or a sentence with a straight line underneath it and I’d have to try and copy what was written without going away from the line. The teachers were incredible as well as supportive. Like with many children with dyspraxia, it’s known to be especially fidgety, have trouble sitting up straight, get distracted or lose concentration easily.

A lot of it can be mistaken for bad behaviour. Of course like any child growing up, I was mischievous from time to time but there were times in school where I looked like I was “daydreaming” or switched off. The reality was that I had real difficulty concentrating compared to other children, hence more as to why I needed a bit of extra help.

My parents tell me that things started turning around when I was given work in a structured way with clear directions so I wasn’t confused. This helped massively with the handwriting aspect as well as with my maths although the latter I still struggled with on a larger scale.

Like I said earlier, from the age of 8 onwards my handwriting improved and I enjoyed writing especially creatively. If we had to do a project or story I enjoyed it and was commended for my style of handwriting. It just shows that with the right support and noticing it an early age, children with dyspraxia can go on to excel and whatever the hell they want to do.

Staying with balance and coordination, the hardest part to this very day is physical activity. During the early years of secondary school, I would dread the PE lessons where we did gymnastics. Anything balance related like walking the beam was pretty much impossible due to my balance issues. I did try it, but after one or two steps, I’d fall off.

Things like would hit my confidence, especially when most of the class was walking across it with no problem as well as being able to do a forward roll without losing balance on the way down or stand on one leg. Like I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I was bullied and one of the reasons was because “I was too slow in PE.”

An example of this was during Year 7 when we had to do an “assault course” for the charity Tenovus. Essentially it was all the gym equipment like climbing frames, walking the beam, jumping over horse etc. I didn’t want to do it as I know so much of it would be difficult but my friends encouraged me to go for it and try my best as did the teachers and my parents.

The bullies on the other hand wasn’t as encouraging. The course was a competition between the four forms in our group and the form with the overall quickest time would win. To get to the point, I completed it and let’s just say I didn’t break any records in doing so. Walking the beam went the usual way where I’d fall off after a step or two but I finished it.

My PE teacher commended me for completing it instead of giving up and my friends were pleased for me. As soon as we got back into the changing room, the bullies would throw insults like “you’re so fucking slow”, “we’re never going to win now thanks to you” and that broke me. I actually had an award from the charity for special effort and I hated having it because I was scared it would just encourage them to ridicule me more.

Looking back, I should have been proud of myself. I took on the course despite all doubts and finished it. I didn’t quit and it doesn’t matter what time I did it in as long as I gave it my all. It’s similar to when I ran the Nos Galan race in 2019. I trained for it well, finished it in good time but the fact remains that I did it and gave my best effort. So fuck what they thought of me, I’m a better person for doing it.

In the last blog entry, I touched on Dyspraxia via me playing football. That has been a real rollercoaster for my confidence as I’ve been ridiculed for my “lack of skill”. My balance and coordination would be a hindrance when it came to running with the ball and even things like “keepy uppies”.

During training sessions, one of the most known drills is dribbling with the ball around the cones. Of course I’d try concentrating but where I ended up going with the ball would be slightly off from where it was supposed to be. Plus using both feet to run with the ball impacts my balance so I would fall over. I’d get a few laughs but I’d pick myself up and go again.

The keep ups however, is one that will forever frustrate me. To this day, I’ll be lucky to do 3 or 4 keep ups as my balance and coordination just won’t let me. It’s not an excuse and I have tried to practice but I simply can’t do them. I’ve accepted that now but there was a time where it would get to me and others would ridicule me for it.

I enjoy football. It’s my favourite sport and I love playing it. I realised a long time ago that I was never going to be running onto the pitch of Old Trafford to play for Manchester United but I enjoyed playing. Whether it was going training, playing a game of 11 or 5 a side, it was exercise and competitive which did me a world of good.

Unfortunately, similar to the PE situation, there’s always a dickhead or two that will bring you down. So called friends would make fun of me for my lack of skill. If I missed an easy chance to score a goal, a bit of stick is normal but being made fun of for being too slow and not being able to do a skill that many others find easy isn’t and it’s pretty shitty to be honest.

If even got to a point where someone I considered to be a friend at the time would record me when I was playing football and would post the video on social media to make fun of me. Again, I know banter and a joke can happen but there is a line and he crossed it. I had people messaging me privately and even people I didn’t know commenting on the video saying how shit I was and that wasn’t called for.

That just shows that there are some shitty people out there who think they’re having a joke without realising the ramifications of what they’re doing. Also, just take a moment to understand that not everyone will be doing skills like Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi and are just simply having a kickabout.

Simple message is, don’t be a cunt. Just think about what you’re doing. Those idiots would kill any confidence I had and I would go weeks and even months without kicking a ball. If you make a mistake during a game and get a “fuck sake” or “what was that?”, that’s normal as criticism comes with any sport. However, I go back to the point of there is a line and ridicule isn’t acceptable nor is it warranted.

Quite recently I’ve gone back to football training with my local team, AFC Aberaman. I’ve got no ambition to try and get in the team and there’s a cracking squad who’d be miles ahead of me if I did. I simply go training because I enjoy it. When I first went back I struggled to do one lap around the pitch. Some two months later and I’m jogging home because I’m coping better and making strides.

The best thing about it is I know most of the boys and they don’t take the piss either. There’s banter and a laugh but they’re very encouraging. If I’m last during a run, they’ll be cheering me on and there’s praise if I do something good. Of course there’s constructive criticism if I get a bit lazy or do something wrong but it’s all for my benefit.

They’re a top bunch of lads that I’ve known for a few years now and I don’t feel anxious anymore when I go, whilst in the past I’d second guess myself all the time. I get along with everyone, it’s a good outlet especially in the times we’re in with COVID and it’s getting me fitter. As the old cliche goes, it’s as good for the mind as it is for the legs.

The final couple of things I’ll touch on with my experiences is all related to two very simple things to many people – tying shoe laces and wriggling your fingers. Not many people know this aside from my fiancée, parents, sister and some close friends but I still can’t tie my shoe laces properly.

I’ve tried practicing for years and been more than patient with my efforts but the fact remains that my hand coordination just won’t let me. Whilst doing my research into Dyspraxia, I found it’s one of the most common difficulties that are reported in the case studies that I read.

There are ways to support and plenty of guidance on offer . There’s shoelace boards with laces attached to help you practice as well as groups, pages and even blogs that offers a lot of help on any of the main social media platforms as well as tutorials on YouTube.

It may help you and you may be like me that sometimes doesn’t untie their shoes because you’re worried that you won’t be able to tie them again. Even to the point that you have to ask someone to tie them for you. Either way, it’s easy to say this but I accepted a short while ago that, you can’t be good at everything and it’s not my fault.

Another reassuring and even inspiring factor came in the form of Harry Potter himself, Daniel Radcliffe. Many years ago when he was performing on the West End, Daniel revealed that he has Dyspraxia. He resonated with me right away as he grew up being mistaken for being clumsy and was originally perceived to be lazy with school work when in fact he was struggling.

He also like me still has problems tying his shoelaces and has issues with his confidence as a result. What I took away from this is that Daniel Radcliffe did not let it define him. He went on to be in one of the biggest film franchises of all time and has since carved out a career as a superb actor. In many different films/genres.

The frustrations he felt resonated with me as I’ve been there. Same goes for anyone else in the world who’s been diagnosed or are undiagnosed with Dyspraxia. I’d be lying if I said I’m fully at peace with it because there is one thing that really irritates me and that is that I can’t wriggle my fingers.

If I do, only one or two fingers will move whilst the others will stay still. Motor functions are a massive factor and it’s the same when I do buttons up or pick up something. I’m not clumsy although it appears that way. I’m not using this as an excuse but I literally can’t help it as I was born with this and I’m still coming to terms with it.

This is something I’ve held off for quite a while and was a post I considered writing quite early on but I did feel a bit scared opening up about something like this. Especially when it comes to me admitting I can’t tie my laces and other hindrances I felt.

What matters though is I have spoken up about it. I hope that it relays a better understanding for Dyspraxia as there are many misconceptions about it as well as it being confused with with other conditions.

I will not let it define me. It’s something that I should have realised a long time ago when those bastards at school or later on in life who made fun of me. I’m better than what they made me out to be and I’m enjoying the things that I enjoy.

At the bottom of those post, I’ve posted some links to some helpful websites that gave me some information and guidance whilst researching for this post. If you’re a parent reading this and feel this is a bit close to home, speak to your child’s teacher. If you spot it early like with me, your child’s education will flourish like it should.

There’s no shame in admitting we need a little help sometimes and we can’t be perfect at everything. Without the help I’ve had whether it was teachers, learning support, friends and family, I don’t know where I’d be now. There are low points but when I came away with the majority of my GCSE’s as passes and then 2 years later, finishing school with 3 A Levels, it was an amazing feeling.

It was proof that if you put the work in, you can do anything. Plus, it was a massive middle finger to those who doubted me. Once more, Dyspraxia isn’t the be all and end all, you can excel in life and slow and steady wins the race.

If you enjoy something, do it. Don’t let the horrible people put your down. Encouragement is key and with a positive mindset, anything is possible.

Thank you once again for taking time out of your day to read this. It really does mean a lot and if just one person can resonate with this and feel it benefits them in moving forward, then that’s why I do it. Awareness is key.

Take care, stay safe and until next time don’t think of this as a goodbye but more of a see you later!

Helpful Links

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/developmental-coordination-disorder-dyspraxia/

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/developmental-coordination-disorder-dyspraxia-in-adults/

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/151951

https://dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk

As the song from Staind says, “it’s been a while”. Nearly 3 months have passed since I posted my last blog entry and so much has happened. Mostly positive things have occurred and I’ve said many times during this journey, I’m not going to write for the sake of it. Every post I’ve written and plan to write has meaning and reason behind them.

I’ve also said on many occasions that reflection is very important. In order to grow and understand your mental health better, you do have to have a look back at what was the catalysts behind your negative thought patterns. By doing that you’ll remind yourself as to what pretty much made you feel like shit.

It’s a difficult process at times but during reflection, you’ll find just how much you’ve grown since those dark days. I can honestly say that I’m in a better place than where I was when I first got diagnosed with anxiety and depression but I’m a fair bit away from where I want to be. I still get bad days but trust me, there’s plenty of more good day and I put that down to a number of factors.

First of all, I simply put myself first. To realise that you’re holding yourself back isn’t an easy process. Instead of feeling dread and self sabotaging any chance I had of happiness, I knew that if I had a chance of finding a part of my life where I felt comfortable and even loved, it was where I could be myself and not let the darkness win.

Positive thinking along with the medication that I was prescribed, regular exercise such as walking and breathing exercises was massive in helping me towards a more healthier mindset. I was also going to counselling sessions, reading books again for the first time in ages and enjoying other things I’d put on the back burner for a while like listening to music and watching films.

During the counselling sessions, I was asked a very important question, “do you feel you have to make more effort with some people than they do with you?”. That was like an epiphany as so many thoughts came flooding into my head where I was in social situations with people I considered friends where I had to go out of my way to ensure they “liked me”.

I’ve briefly mentioned these people before as they were people who would take things a bit too far when it came to so called “banter”. They would be the type of people who when you’re one to one with them, they’d be the nicest person but as soon as there was a crowd, they’d be a totally different person.

Whether it was jibes about my weight, things I was interested in or anything else about me, on numerous occasions they’d make an example out of me to get a laugh. There would be times where I’d go home early from a night out because in front of everyone they’d say “that polo shirt looks a bit tight on you. Better head to the gym.” Honestly, they made me feel like shit.

It wasn’t just me they’d make examples of and I’m sure it hurt those other people just as much as my experiences did. I’ll put my hands up and admit that there’s jokes and banter in any friendship group. However, when you’re the joke over and over again and you feel anxious when you’re around these people, then it’s such a fucking awful thing to go through.

I didn’t realise just how much it effected me until I was directed onto the topic of “toxic environments” by my counsellor. I learned that being in those types of environments is very detrimental towards a person’s wellbeing and the effects are quite damaging.

At first, I thought it only referred to those who’re in a romantic relationship but I quickly learned that it this topic can be used in other contexts. Friendships, work relationships and teammates are just some other examples where these things occur and the more I looked into it, the more I realised just how it resonated with my situation.

There are many signs that you can look out for when you’re assessing as to whether you’re in a toxic relationship:

1. You don’t feel good enough. You feel like nothing you do is quite right and are constantly trying to prove your worth. You constantly seek the other person’s validation and acceptance.

2. You can’t be yourself. You feel you have to walk on eggshells and second guess everything you do. You feel you need to think twice before you speak and you feel you have to act or behave a certain way. You’re afraid to bring things up because you’re not sure how the other persons will react.

3. You feel like you’re the problem. The other person doesn’t take responsibility for their actions and instead blames you. Your self worth is effected as you feel that your personality traits are what’s causing the problem.

4. You start to withdraw from participating in activities, hobbies, interests or seeing people in your life as your self esteem and confidence in yourself is at an all time low.

A lot of these signs hit home with me pretty much straight away. My self esteem was at rock bottom and I felt afraid to go out as I was in fear of any further ridicule. I still say that my fatal flaws are overthinking and pessimism and that didn’t help the situation but being involved with this particular group made me feel a lot worse at the end of a night out than I did at the start.

A study at Harvard University found that toxic environments can expose us to high levels of stress and it will contribute to mental as well as physical issues further down the line. Toxic stressors can typically be uncontrollable and will be experienced without the effect of having support.

It can introduce an immediate or chronic fear for own integrity. Neuroscientists have discovered that brain patterns are developed by our experiences and by doing that have helped establish that toxic environments is very harmful to our mental wellbeing. It can even stem from experiences of childhood bullying that will dent our confidence and that will have a lasting effect on us in later life.

Those who know me really well will know I second guess myself and see the negative side of things a lot. When it comes to new situations, I swear it’s me doing a bungee jump as I’m that anxious about it. It’s more noticeable now but a long time ago I used to be able to put on a front.

I’d feel like this in a lot of situations. I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m not athletically gifted in any way, shape or form. In fact I didn’t even go to a gym until I was 20. When I did, some of the friendship group I referred to laughed and said “what? You? In a gym?”. At that time, I didn’t quit going, just I wouldn’t tell them when I was going so I’d feel like I’d have to keep it a secret.

Same goes with football. I love the game and have been a fan for most of my life. At the same time, I knew early on that I was never going to be the next Cristiano Ronaldo or Zlatan Ibrahimovic. I’d play because I enjoyed it but my lack of skill would be hilarious to some of them to the point where they’d keep telling me “I’m shit” and other things.

Like I said, I know I’m awful but I kept on trying. I would laugh with them and pretend to agree as I’d hope by doing that they’d stop and everything would die down. Things would get to me eventually and I would stop going to five a side and other opportunities for a kickabout because my confidence was so low. I’d go back with the hope that it won’t happen now but eventually it would and I’d be back to square one.

I hate using this as an excuse but I do have Dyspraxia (also known as developmental co-ordination disorder (DCD) ) which means that I have problems with my balance and coordination. Those who’re close to me know this and I don’t want to feel any pity over it but it does have an effect when I used to do PE and other exercise and still does to this day.

I’m planning on writing a post more focused on how I’ve grown up with Dyspraxia and it’s symptoms somewhere down the line. The fact remains that yeah maybe I should have spoke up a bit about it but at the same time, why should I have to? If I hit a bad pass or a shot flies over the bar, that’s normal but there’s a line and it was most definitely crossed.

As I said earlier, the counselling sessions were massive in helping me reflect and assess just what was contributing to my downfall. Of course the toxic relationships I had with these so called “friends” weren’t the only factor but it helped me realise that if you surround yourself with good people who appreciate you for who you are, you’ll flourish.

By doing that, I quite simply cut off contact with those people and haven’t looked back since. The friends I have now will be my friends for the rest of life and I’m forever grateful for them because I know I can talk to them if I’m struggling and I’d be there for them as well.

Yes, there’s plenty of banter and friendly insults but if I and they know we’ve crossed a line, we’ll address it, make peace and move on. That’s what true friendship is and should be in any situation.

Even in a more public platform such as social media, I know I’ve probably tagged or commented on a friend’s post and said stuff that I regret. I apologise and would take full responsibility because as you get older you have to hold yourself accountable.

There’s plenty of examples now where so called “trolls” or just plain dickheads think they’re being funny by poking fun at a person’s weight, image, sexuality or other aspects of their life. Fact of the matter is that they’re too ignorant and stupid to realise what harm they’re doing to that person.

That’s something I’ve learned the hard way as I’ve experienced it first hand. I’ve been made an example of online more than once and it’s an awful feeling. So much that I’ve gone to bed and not slept because of the sense of dread and embarrassment.

A lot of this has come from people I considered friends. Maybe I use social media a bit too much and I know a joke’s a joke but you shouldn’t have to come away feeling anxious and shit about yourself all because of what some clown has said about you on a website. It’s a shame that people are cowardly and horrible in that way but unfortunately it’s the time we live in.

At the end of the day, these people need to realise that they’re an adult now. They need to grow up, hold themselves accountable for their actions and realise that not everyone is “thick skinned” and could be struggling.

“Be kind” isn’t a trendy hashtag or saying, it’s a matter of human decency. You’ve seen many examples of people like Caroline Flack and other high profile celebrities who’s personal life was dragged into the public eye and was subjected to horrific abuse online as well as being hounded by the press.

Just think about what you say, it’s not hard. I know I’m no saint and there’s been times where I’ve been horrible and have hurt people of which I hold myself accountable for. Some bridges have been rebuilt and some won’t be and that’s something I have to live with but if I ever made anyone feel like that again, I’d feel disgusted with myself.

I’m working every day to try and be a better person. Putting my own well-being first is essential to that and also realising that certain environments and relationships are detrimental to your mental health is very important.

If you find that you have to go out of your way in order for someone to like you or that being extra nice to someone will stop them making examples out of you, that’s a sign that you can do better. I realised it and it did me the world of good. Surround yourself with people who appreciate you, make you feel happy and that you can trust.

A strong friendship group, along with a supportive family is incredible and once again I thank them for being there as I don’t know what I’d do without them.

Thank you for reading this. Know I ranted and went on a bit but this was something that had been playing on my mind for a while and it feels bloody good to finally put it into words. For any guidance, I’ve posted links to some incredible organisations that have been helpful during my tough times.

Help is out there and people do care. The most important thing is that you matter so keep being yourself as you’re awesome and we’re in this together.

As always, take care, stay safe and until next time, don’t think of this as a goodbye but more of a see you later!

By the time I put this blog post for all to see, it will be 364 days since I first posted my very first entry. To know I’m one day off the first anniversary since I started this journey is mind boggling as it is an incredible feeling.

The more I write, the more determined I am to spread a more positive message about mental health. Whether it’s a personal post or one where I chat to someone sharing their story, the aim is to show that opening up about your struggles is never a bad thing.

I’ve learned so much with this blog via the research I’ve put into the posts where I’ve shared my own experiences as well as some of the information shared by those I’ve chatted to. I’ve said this before, it’s a long journey but it’s worth going on it as it does help you in so many ways.

Going back to the 28th April 2020 when I posted the original blog entry, I was so nervous. It was during the first few weeks of the original lockdown and I had the post along with a few others saved in my phone for a few months and just kept putting it off.

I saw people doing creative things like crafts, Tik Tok videos, baking and other things in order to pass the time as there was nothing to do for quite a lot of the time. I was furloughed from work and just thought about what I felt I was good at and writing popped into my head.

When I was in school, creative writing was something I loved doing. I even went on to do a year of journalism in University and always found that writing about things I felt passionate about was enjoyable and fulfilling. It definitely gave me a creative spark and after things didn’t quite work out for me in Uni, I put off writing for many years until I really struggled with my mental health.

As part of my recovery from the real dark periods I had been in, I was recommended to take notes on my feelings and thought processes in order to reflect on and grow from. What I realised was that they were more coherent in terms of a story than being in note form. From that point I started looking into blogging by reading articles and reading other blogs based on mental health.

Like I said before, I kept holding back on taking the plunge on posting them. I’d even signed up to WordPress and set up my account but just couldn’t bring myself to post them. I spent a lot of time thinking whether it was a good or bad thing to do and what people would think.

The feelings were similar to the ones I had towards Facebook post I put up in 2019 where I opened up about my struggles. That was a short summary in comparison as the blog post revealed more details about my struggles and the low points I reached.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve always been an over thinker and a pessimist. One thing I hate is focusing on what people think if I do something. It’s something I’m still working on but it’s so frustrating as it is hindering when I want to do something.

Like any situation where I’m doing something which would require me to show confidence, whilst thinking things over I was constantly second guessing myself. I’ve said many times that I’m a notorious over thinker and the doubts were well and truly trying to take control. Even though this was something I put a lot of thought into, I still couldn’t help but think of the worst case scenarios.

I’d think that people would make fun of me or not take me seriously. In some ways I can tie this to the old stigma surrounding men’s mental health. Not so much that I was afraid of opening up but that fear of being judged. It’s something that I’m still working on but I hate when I put something off based on what others would think about it.

It’s easy to say this and it takes time and effort to do but with all the negativity going on in my mind, I decided to focus on the positives. I was in a better place in comparison to when I was at my lowest. I’d also cut out a lot of negative people in my life and those people would have been the ones I’d have been afraid of being judged by.

Eventually, I suppose a “fuck it” type of approach took over. If people didn’t like it, fair enough as you can’t please everyone. Those who know me will know I went through a lot of problems and I consulted with them when I was planning the blog. Some read a draft and they all agreed it was a good move. The general consensus was that it would be relatable as well as a sign of solidarity against the stigmas surrounding mental health.

Plenty of research and planning went into the blog beforehand so I knew by being open and upfront about my struggles, some people would relate to it. The whole aim of this blog is to show that there’s no shame in opening up and that doesn’t have to be by “going public” like this. Even if you open up to a family member, you’ll do yourself a massive favour.

In a sort of selfish way, it was also filled a creative void that I hadn’t had for a few years. When I was writing the initial drafts, time flew by as my thoughts and emotions were coming out in a healthy and constructive way. Once I gathered all of these thoughts together, I knew I had to post this blog.

When I eventually uploaded it from WordPress onto my Facebook page, I put my phone on silent, left it in the kitchen and went into the living room. I did try to distract myself by watching a quiz show but my parents could tell that my mind was elsewhere. They kept asking me if everything was ok and I kept saying “yeah, I’m fine” and changing the subject.

Eventually my Dad turned off the telly and put me on the spot to tell him. I hadn’t told my parents about the blog until now, again due to a fear out of what they’d think. Turned out that despite it not being their way of going about it, they told me to go for it but be careful with it being out there for all to see.

At that point, I went to get my phone to check the response and I couldn’t believe what I found. The response was incredible. I had texts, DM’s, shares, comments and likes all responding in such a positive way and it floored me to be honest. It was overwhelming in the best possible way as people I didn’t expect to read it was getting in touch giving me props for writing it.

Anyone who knows me will know I don’t deal with compliments well. I either shy away from it or act like I don’t appreciate it when in fact it means the world to me. The DM’s I had from people offering support or saying how much they could relate to it was incredible. There was a genuine sense of acceptance felt about this experience not just on a personal level but for men’s mental health.

I know there’s many other blokes who blog, do videos or podcasts about this topic but like the message says, the more we talk about it, the more we can eliminate this stigma. The lockdown period was so tough for many people and mental health was something which definitely suffered as a result of life changing so quickly.

By posting that blog post and the ones which followed showed that just by being open whether it was in a public platform such as that or in a more private setting was the best way for dealing with these issues. On a personal note, it was a huge weight off my shoulders as it showed I was 100% committed to fight not just the stigma but my own struggles which still has a hold on me from time to time.

The incredible response gave me the encouragement to continue the blog. I decided to post a new one every Tuesday but promised myself that if I ever felt the need to post for the sake of posting or write something that didn’t feel right, I would stop and take a break. By doing that I knew that I would only write something that meant a lot to me and also promoted something that was authentic and relatable.

The following weeks, I continued to post content which included details of my past including my experiences at the hands of childhood bullies, weight and image issues, the negative sides of social media, coping with difficult situations and further experiences I had with the stigma surrounding mental health and the fear of opening up.

One huge benefit of doing these blogs is that it’s a never ending learning experience. Whilst doing the research I would come across facts, stories and statistics which took me by surprise as well as further educating me about mental health.

For example, in the UK there’s an average of 18 cases of suicide per day and it’s the biggest killer of men under the age of 45. Also, 1 in 3 men experience suicidal thoughts as a result of feeling stressed and only 1 in 4 men felt confident enough to speak about their troubles to friends and family.

By doing this research I came across some fantastic initiatives and organisations which supported mental health in the UK. When I started doing this, I’d only ever really heard of Mind and Samaritans as the former was behind the counselling sessions I had during my own struggles when they came to a head in 2019 and last year.

There’s some fantastic organisations out there such as Anxiety UK, PAPYRUS, SHOUT, Heads Above The Waves and many more where there’s some incredible people who offer support and guidance in times of need. Each organisation have their own means of the way they support but all have a shared aim in highlighting just how important it is for us to seek help.

I’ve contacted Anxiety UK myself on some occasions and some of the coping techniques and conversations I’ve had with them has been so helpful. They understand what I’m going through because the people on the other end of the phone have been through similar situations. The fact that they’re taking time to speak to me and help so many others on a daily basis is truly incredible and that goes to anyone else who works and/or volunteers for an organisation like this.

In past blog posts, I’ve mentioned that the original aim was to do a podcast but along with the finances required to get the equipment as well as lacking the confidence to record myself, so it didn’t happen. Also, I always felt more passionate about writing so a blog felt more natural to me.

One thing I thought about a lot with the podcast idea was speaking to other people about their experiences should they feel comfortable in doing so. When the podcast idea was put to one side and the blog idea went forward, after a few posts I thought to myself “how can I interview people for the blog?”. We were still in a lockdown so I couldn’t meet up with people so I had to think of a way of getting around this roadblock and then it hit me.

I listen to many podcasts whilst out on my walks. I find it therapeutic to stick the earphones in whilst on a walk and to listen to a few tunes or a podcast and when I was listening to them, I found that instead of interviewing people in person, they were using video calling and recording the convos through there. I had already started using Zoom like so many others for video calls with groups of friends so then I the plan got rolling.

I then figured out that if I spoke to people on Zoom via my iPad, I could record the conversation on my phone and then type it up. Once I realised that was the way forward, there was one more thing to do, ask people if they would like to speak to me for the blog. I had people in mind from the beginning, going from people I know who’ve gone through difficult times and people who work with mental health organisations or have raised money for them.

So far I’ve spoken to 24 people and have many more to speak to and each story is just as inspirational and important as the other. It proves that no matter what way of life we lead, anyone can have their struggles.

Starting with my friend Alicia Ewington who works for PAPYRUS, she took me through her own journey and how her confidence was at an all time low but had the strength to find a way back. Alicia also gave me more info on PAPYRUS and the incredible work they do in helping to prevent suicide in young people.

As it went on, I spoke to other great people I know like Davzie Matthews who raised a great amount of money for MIND and is one of the most understanding and genuinely nice people I have the pleasure of knowing.

I also learned more about people’s experiences with things like body image issues and the push for body positivity when I spoke to Bethan Rees and Carys Wigley.
Carys also opened up on how she coped as a student in her university studies and changing from growing up in the valleys to then living in a huge city in Cardiff.

There was also my friend Ross who’s responded incredibly to his mental health issues after workplace bullying to doing a job he loves and is now a father. My old colleague Saima Tabassum who is an accomplished blogger in her own right via her own mental health journey is an inspiration to me as she is a huge credit to herself.

There’s people I’ve known for many years like Martyn Phillips who’s gone from hitting rock bottom due to addiction and is now studying psychology in university. My old mate Kevin Morgan, who’s fighting the stigma surrounding men’s mental health and is a bloody legend for doing so.

Like I said, none of these stories are the same but there’s one common theme, mental health. All the people I spoke struggled so much but via the help from the doctors, mental health organisations as well as support networks from family and friends, have responded fantastically to find themselves in a healthier mindset. They’re not afraid to open up, they accept there’s good and bad days but at the same time have developed techniques to come back fighting and not let the darkness win.

The more I spoke to these people, the more they inspired me. One of my closest mates James Williams proves the point I made before which is that no matter what job or background you have, we can all go through bad times. He is doing the job he loves which is an airline pilot and during lockdown he feared he’d lose that job. Thankfully he hasn’t but he knew he could speak to me and other friends as well as family. He’s a credit to himself as well as those who know and love him.

Christian Aldridge proved that you can go through some awful times on a personal level and have the strength to do a really difficult job in being a firefighter and seek help when you need it. All of these people I’ve had a pleasure of knowing at various points of my life and they’ve helped me immensely along this journey and I hope they know I’m here for them anytime as well.

Friendships have been formed with people, I didn’t know that well or even not at all whilst doing this. Carys Wigley, I only knew of through friends but I noticed her opening up via her social media and reached out and I can now say she’s a really good friend.

Robert Percy I met through social media groups we’re in as we’re both huge wrestling and music fans. He opened up about his challenges both professionally in his job as a journalist as well as a personal level.

The more I wrote, the more confident I felt. This is truly a passion project so I thought I was able to try and reach out to people I wouldn’t have dreamt of speaking to before. Sean Smith is a musician and podcaster I have respected and admired for well over 15 years. I messaged him after hearing his story about how he deal with things after the breakup of his former band, The Blackout.

He co hosts ‘Sappenin’ Podcast’ and on there he shared his story and has built up a fantastic following with amazing guests on the show. He’s also in a fantastic new band in Raiders, who’s drummer Chris “Stixx” Davies also shared his amazing story regarding his love for music and his battles with mental health.

I was shocked and overjoyed to find that Sean that said yes when I asked him to see if he was keen to speak to me for the blog. It was around that time I joined the podcast’s Patreon community which supports the pod and met an amazing group of people. I’ve met some awesome and selfless people through it and Sean paid tribute to them in his chat to me as well as opening up about his love for music, comedy and his own struggles.

His co host Morgan Richards is proof that you can follow your ambitions and do what you’ve grown up loving as a job. He’s a fantastic journalist who covers Pro Wrestling and has experience working with and interviewing musicians at Radio Cardiff and is now smashing it with ‘Sappenin’’. He’s also had his own issues with mental health and has gone through the bad times, to come out fighting and show that negativity will never win.

He also said the support from the Patreon community has helped him massively. Through that I met and got friendly with TJ Ambler-Shattock who’s made the jump to finish a job he hated to live his dream of training as a barber. Lockdown effected him massively as his job was on hold but his love for music as well his family and the support he knew he had helped him massively. By realising that he knew he wasn’t going to get through this alone but also had the ambition to do it for himself as well.

Jonny Owen is an actor, writer, radio host and a fellow Valleys Boy who I’ve been a fan of for many years. To speak to him was an incredible experience as Jonny is a top top storyteller and has never forgotten his roots as he speaks about his upbringing and love for his hometown of Merthyr Tydfil via his social media. The chat with him was insightful as he opened up on the challenges he’s faced in this career.

My friend and former colleague Dani Hewitt has overcome mental health setbacks, sexism and other hurdles to become a teacher, lecturer, promoter for concerts and so many other things. Her chat was another huge learning experience for me as she’s been through so much yet has the desire to do well for herself and for that she deserves all the best.

Most of the chats have a section where they talk about how the lockdown has effected their lives whether it’s on a personal level or work related. Musicians are definitely people who’s lives have changed massively as their whole means of promoting themselves through gigs was taken away. Sarah Brown’s blog chat was incredible as I learned just how important music is to someone but also how the industry being impacted by the pandemic was a blow to her job.

There’s awesome people who’ve bounced back like Keely Simmonds who went through unimaginable pain through her battle with anorexia and mental health from a young age to now be at a point where she’s campaigning for MIND. Elizabeth Jones is using her experiences of having ADHD and BPD to advocate for more understanding of these conditions which is incredible.

David Jones went through bullying and self confidence issues to now doing his own YouTube channel based on fitness challenges. If that’s not overcoming a bad period of mental wellbeing, I don’t know what is.

Same goes for Luke Jones and his ‘Start The Conversation’ page on social media. He’s even been on the news campaigning for more acceptance towards mental health and the issues surrounding how easy it is for it just to be tended to with medication.

Si Martin stated an organisation in Heads Above The Waves based on his own experiences with mental health and self harming as well as his love for punk rock. Now he and Hannah his partner in the organisation speak to schools, have workshops and even a store where they sell fantastic merchandise all based on the great message they promote. The more people I speak to, the more I realise that the fight is being fought on a wide scale.

We all have our own means of fighting the stigmas and our own inner demons but we’re all together in this battle. Mental Health is as important as physical health and knowing it’s ok to seek help will only benefit you. The people I’ve spoken to over the past year as well my own research has helped me understand things more clearly and that this is a constant learning experience.

I know I will have my struggles ahead and not every day will be good one but I know going to bed will mean when I wake up the next morning, it’s a fresh start.

“Control Your Narrative” is a saying I push a lot and the people I’ve chatted to are key to that. If you want to do something you love or feel passionate about, do it! Cutting toxic people out of your life will aid you but also speaking about your problems to a caring person or group of people is massively beneficial.

Whether it’s a friend, family or a professional, you will realise you’re not alone. So many have been in this situation where they feel alone and there’s no way back, myself included and if it wasn’t for a dear friend reaching out I dare to imagine where I’d be right now. That’s why it’s also just as important we check on one another. Drop a friend a message, phone them even.

I’ve gone for walks with friends as the guidelines have allowed and it’s reassuring to have that contact. Human interaction is more addictive than a drug for so many and I count myself as one of those people.

I hate being on my own for too long and I’ve been told I can talk for Wales but I love a conversation. My friends and family I have now are there because I know they’re there for me and the sentiment is mutual.

This blog helps me massively, I hope it’s helped many others. It was never a self adulation ploy so even if just one person has read these posts and feels comfortable to seek help, that would mean the world because it’s a life saved. I keep saying we’re in this together and we are. We will win and one day this stigma surrounding mental health will hopefully be a relic, something of the past as we go on.

Thank you to everyone who’s been on this journey with me so far. Whether you’ve read it, shared a post, DM’d me or spoke to me for the blog, I couldn’t have done this without you.

You’re the reason I keep doing this and your support means so much to me. The blog has been read all over the world in places I couldn’t imagine like across Europe, America, Asia and beyond. It’s mind boggling that a bloke from South Wales has reached that far but thank you nonetheless.

My friends and family, I love you all. You’ve been there for me whether it’s over a beer, video/phone call, a walk or WhatsApp group and I’m there for you no matter what. I’m forever grateful for having you in my life.

It’s an age old cliche but my fiancée is my rock. She’s incredible and I don’t know where I’d be without her. The last 3 years has challenging for her to say the least but I love her more than anything and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her. She’a going to hate me for mentioning and hates the attention but she is the best thing to ever happen to me.

This would be the 38th entry or “chapter” of this blog I’ve written and believe me this is not the end. Whether it’s a personal piece or sharing a story of another incredible person, there’s a lot more to come. There’s so much more I want to do and the coming days, months and years excite me. I know I’ll have my dark clouds some days but the sunshine will break through and I’ll carry on.

Thank you once again. I’ve posted links and info for some of the organisations I’ve spoken about so if you wish to access them, they’re at the bottom of this post.

Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved. The feeling of letting off that weight on your shoulders is the beginning to better days. Stay safe, take care and until next time don’t think of this as a goodbye, but more of a see you later!

MIND – www.mind.org.uk
029 2039 5123 (Phone)

PAPYRUS – www.papyrus-uk.org/
0800 068 4141 (Phone) 07860 039 967 (Text)

Samaritans – www.samaritans.org
116 123 (Phone)

Anxiety UK – www.anxietyuk.org.uk
03444 775 774 (Phone)
07537 416 905 (Text)

Heads Above The Waves – http://www.hatw.co.uk

It’s a massive understatement to say that the pandemic had an effect on many industries over the past year. Many of the things we would do on a day to day basis was taken away.

Whether it was going for a pint with some friends, a trip to the shops or even going to work, so much of our lives changed in such a quick period of time. For many of us this lasted longer than the original lockdown from March to June of 2020 as more uncertainty presented itself.

Whilst businesses reopened and we thought things were getting “back to normal, more hurdles presented themselves. Local, firebreak and another main lockdown further impacted our recovery from this pandemic on both personal and professional levels.

One of those industries that was hit by the lockdown was barbering. Going for a haircut was something a lot of us would go to not just because we needed a trim but it can also be a social occasion. A simple conversation goes a long way and the person I’ve spoken to for this blog post can definitely resonate with this.

TJ Ambler-Shattock has been a barber for the past 4 years and has taken the time to open up on how much the lockdown had an impact on the job he loves as well as a number of other factors.

I’ve gotten to know TJ over the last few months as we’re both members of the Patreon community that supports ‘Sappenin Podcast’. The podcast has been mentioned in past blog entries as I’ve chatted to both of the hosts, Morgan Richards and Sean Smith. The chats also highlighted the fantastic support the community offers to all involved.

By getting to know TJ, I learned more about him, his story and also his struggles over the past year. He’s a fantastic bloke and a credit to himself and his family as he’s confronted these dark periods head on and has come out on the other side fighting.

I couldn’t thank him enough for taking the time to talk to me and his story is definitely relatable and encouraging to anyone going through a difficult time.

The lockdown has had a massive impact on many industries including barbering. How has it effected you?

It’s had a massive effect on me. It was really tough to go from being constantly busy all the time as before the pandemic, barbering was such a massive industry to get into. Everyone needs haircuts and it’s forever busy.

It was a hard reality to face when I realised I’d gone from being incredibly busy to then nothing. The whole thing was really overwhelming and was quite hard to comprehend just how quickly this change had happened. For the first couple of weeks I just hated it as I’m always someone who wants to busy.

To be flat out to stop and not have a packed schedule just floored me. I would wake up with no real drive and sense that I didn’t have a purpose as the lockdown caused all barbers to close. It was most definitely a struggle to sit at home without a routine and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone as it really hit me hard.

It’s coming up to 5 years since I’ve been doing this. I started doing this when I moved to Wales and was one of the main reasons why I did to begin with. I was looking to go into the London School of Barbering but the course was incredibly expensive along with living costs and other things you have to fork out for.

My partner Jai is from Wales and I came across the Cardiff and Vale course which was £450. I was in a good job at the time but it wasn’t what I really wanted to do and didn’t really have that creative license that I craved. I have dyslexia and being in a 9-5 office environment doesn’t suit me at all. I’ve always been creative so I needed that outlet.

Having that need to express my creative side was most definitely something which drew me to barbering. It helped me express myself and nearly 5 years down the line, to look back I can honestly say I’m so glad I made the decision to do it. It was most definitely a now or never type of mentality as I could either sit there doing a job I didn’t want to do or push myself to something I want to do and makes me happy.

It didn’t come with it’s hardships as I fell out with family over moving to Wales and if it wasn’t for Jai, I’d have probably been on my own doing this. That drove me to do it even more as I wanted to prove people wrong and look at me today, I’m happier for doing it. I’ve had knock backs don’t get me wrong but dust yourself off and we go again eh?

Now that I’m back working is huge. I love cutting hair and in some ways it’s my therapy. If my head is clouded after a bad day, I feel so much better after cutting hair. Meeting clients and having new people to talk to is great. I’ve made friends as a result of this which brings me to the point that it’s not just a job but it’s great to build personal relationships with clients.

One of them has become such a good friend that I’m now a Godfather to his daughter. As much as it’s about the passion for cutting hair, the people I’ve met and taught me has helped shaped me to the barber I am today. Like in any job you go in with your own ambition to do well but you have to take some advice and teachings on board too.

There’s a big thing about mental health especially with men. A few of my clients come in and if they’ve had a shit time, they vent or confide in me and trust me with that. Barbers are advocates in a way as more and more men are opening up such as one guy who suffers with anxiety and depression.

He’s currently doing a PHD where he’s studying trigger points and algorithms where people would be revealing traits of any struggles with their mental health. We got talking about it and it was great as there’s such a stigma so it’s refreshing to have these types of conversations when it shouldn’t be an issue at all.

It’s easier to open up after confiding in someone and I put that down to the profession as it’s most definitely a real great chance to have chat and bond I suppose. It’s more than just a job as that shows and it’s just as beneficial to me as it is to the clients.

Do you find it easy or difficult to open up to someone?

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found it much easier. There was a time where I didn’t as I’d bottle things up which of course is not a good thing to do at all. Some instances of this causes frictions and even the end of some relationships as I’d put on a front and keep in what I was feeling to point where I’d implode.

I was one bad day away from doing something stupid. Thankfully I haven’t and as the years have gone by, I’ve noticed and accepted that it’s ok to open up and there’s so much benefits in doing so. It’s easy to talk to my partner, also the Sappenin group is massively supportive to each other.

There’s such a great support network for me these days and I don’t feel I need to keep this stuff in anymore. Opening up and sharing isn’t an issue anymore and I’ve recognised that if I’m feeling like I’m in a bad place, opening up to Jai about it is always a good thing. She’s here for me and not to hinder me and that shows it’s a partnership in name and value.

It’s all good and well to do it on your own but sometimes you do need that rock or that guidance to help you take the reigns. At the end of the day, we all need help at some point. Going back to the Sappenin group, we’ve also built some incredible friendships. Mostly with people we haven’t even met yet because of lockdown restrictions but these will go onto to be lifelong mates.

They won’t judge you for being you or feeling in a certain kind of way and they’ll encourage you to open up about it whether it’s a group chat or a one to one. They’ll do anything they can to help each other and it’s just incredible to be part of that.

One person in the group named El is just a different level of legend. She is literally at times the glue which holds the group together and she along with everyone else in the group are fucking awesome and I can’t wait to see them all when we can do so.

How important is music to you, especially in difficult situations?

Oh god. How can I even put it into words? My love for music kinda stemmed from my Dad as he played guitar and he opened me up to all of the stuff I listen to now.

It’s an indescribable feeling just what music can do for you. When you find a certain song that speaks to how you feel is an incredible thing. There’s a certain song that I refer to as my “depression song” back when we was trouble in the place which we were living in.

The song is by The Rocket Summer and I happened to come across it and it just spoke volumes to me on so many levels. It was such an overwhelming feeling that I cried after listening to it which was rare because I didn’t really cry at that point. To feel those kind of endorphins being released via a band, song or album is just an unreal feeling.

I met Jai through music via our mutual love for Deaf Havana. I’d never think that I would meet the love of my life through a band but they changed my life for the better as if I didn’t go to that particular gig and notice Jai on the other side of the room and got chatting to her, who knows what would have happened?

Music is just incredible though. I love playing bass guitar and I use Tik Tok for it where I can play with people. I’ve built up a bit of a following where I can collaborate with people and I’ve grown up playing with bands so it also brings a connective aspect as well. It’s a brilliant feeling sitting in a room making music with your best mates.

Whether people like it or not, producing something that’s yours from the ground up is a crazy yet awesome thing. It’s helped me in so many situations and music will continue to inspire the future generations.

Bands like The Blackout have inspired so many Welsh bands that we see and hear today and even though they’re no longer together, they still have a massive impact to this day.

Going back to the Sappenin group, our mutual love for The Blackout is what brought us together in some ways but also shows that without music, life would be pretty fucking boring man.

I have an “angry song” by Limp Bizkit which is ‘Break Stuff’. If I’m having a bad day, I’ll just chuck it on and just shout the lyrics. It makes me feel so much better and it might make me look like an idiot but fuck it, it helps me feel better for doing so.

Do you feel that a strong support network is key in helping you through a difficult time?

Absolutely. Nobody wants feel like they’re all alone in times of struggle and feeling that you’re doing it all by yourself is such a horrible feeling. To feel a strong support network around you is massively uplifting as we can’t do everything on our own.

At some point we do need to look for support. To have people with open ears to talk to will always be benefit in order to release that burden of holding everything back. As I touched on earlier, if you’re having a bad day just talk to someone.

If people haven’t heard from you and they reach out with a little message asking if you’re ok will mean more to anyone and make them feel better. It’ll help them on the road to a healthier mental wellbeing as well as a more positive attitude going forwards.

That boost whether it’s a friend or family member reaching out will go a long way but you have to accept you need that hand reaching out to help. By accepting the help you can start to move forward and it’s such a massive gain when you realise just how much people care.

I’m sure it’s tough for these people to take on these sort of situations so it’s important we care for each other. I know in my experiences, the people who’ve looked out for me, I would return the favour in a heartbeat. That’s what friends do the support network is proof that there’s a lot of caring people in the world and we need to highlight that a lot more.

I like to look at it from both sides of the coin as if someone helps me, I want to help them if they need it. That’s how much they mean to me.

What else do you find essential in getting through tough periods?

A lot of it is stuff like playing guitar and having a bit of me time. Putting Spotify on shuffle and learning a new song is very therapeutic. There’s an educational aspect but at the same time, I can switch off from the difficult things to do that and come away with a clearer mindset.

I like to weigh up my options. The stuff that’s going on can be resolved by talking to people but by having a creative outlet and learning something productive is such a positive distraction. What’s the next thing to learn? Where do I go from here? Instead of feeling negative, I come back refreshed and more clear in my mindset to assess my options on where I go from here.

What I try to teach myself now is to find as many positives as I can. It’s so easy to focus on the negative side as you’ll dwell on it and it’ll just bring you down. By focusing on the positive side of things, you can explore a more healthier path to move forward which will always be a good thing.

It helps my mental health as I’m not in a downward spiral by not being in a pit of depression wondering what to do next. It’s a coping mechanism which takes time but is much healthier than dwelling on the negatives for sure.

You can reflect on the negatives for sure as it does also help you grow in some aspects but don’t focus entirely on the bad points as it’ll only hinder your progress going forward.

Obviously, I’ve had setbacks and hurdles that I’ve faced with barbering but it drives me to excel in order to prove a point to the negativity and the doubters. If anything it’s a “fuck you” mentality as if you’re doubting me, I’m going to get my head down, work hard and prove you wrong.

Who’s going to be laughing at the end when I’m smashing it instead of dwelling on someone putting me down and doubting what I do? Me, that’s who and it’s down to being honest with yourself and putting in the work. It’s not easy but it’s so worth it in the end.

Why do you think there is such a stigma associated with men’s mental health?

I think a lot of it is passed down from the older generations. Men had to be men and you and to be masculine instead of showing weakness. In today’s society, masculinity isn’t as prominent as men take more care of themselves.

Whether it’s something like hair and beauty. Men take way more care of themselves these days whether it’s the hairstyles, skin care and other treatments and all it’s doing is helping you look after yourself.

In regards to the stigma, it’s easy for people to shun instead of helping others when it comes to mental health. To say “grow up” or “man up” is never a good thing and nowadays, toxic masculinity does not belong in society at all. There is no shame in opening up whatsoever.

To reach out will help you, not force you back. Look at the statistics for male suicide, it’s a lot higher than the female stats as a lot of men don’t feel they have anyone to talk to or they feel like they’re a burden. That’s not the case at all and I think it’s still tough for many men to open as a result.

Going back onto a conversation I had with a client, a lot of his family will tell him “you’re being silly” when he’s struggling with depression. That’s not helping and it’ll only add to the negativity going on. It’s horrible and I genuinely felt for the guy when he said he hasn’t got anyone to talk to.

He feels like he’s burdening people around him as they say “what’s wrong this time?”. That must be an awful thing and if you feel you can’t be yourself, you must suffer really badly and as men it’s important to look out for ourselves and each other.

We need to be more open going forward and it’ll be a massive boost. I’ll do it for myself but also for my mates too. Just be yourself as people like and love you for who you are. Be open and honest especially if you’re in a bad way.

If you don’t like me, I don’t give a fuck. People love me for who I am and that’s what matters.

What would you say to someone who is struggling and doesn’t know if talking about it is the right thing to do?

Absolutely it is the right thing to do. Talking about will be your saving grace whether it’s the person you talk to or the conversation itself. It’s a lifeline and there is no shame whatsoever in opening up as it’ll be such a relief to let that burden of holding everything in off your chest.

Whether it’s anxiety, depression or any other mental health condition, absolutely talk to the nearest person who’ll give you the time of day. There’s some fantastic organisations in place like MIND, Samaritans and other fantastic organisations which are there to help.

Like I said, I’ve bottled stuff up in the past and I felt fucking awful for doing it. In the end I chose to open up and talk about my problems and it feels like a weight off your shoulders. Whether it’s a friend, family, doctor, counsellor, please do it as you won’t regret it.

That’s what these organisations like Samaritans are there for, to help those who need it. You’re never truly alone and yes we need support around us but sometimes a stranger is the best course for a conversation. I could repeat it a million times as there’s no shame at all in doing it.

My inbox is open, I’d even give my number as if I know I’ve helped someone in a dark period, it resonates to the point I made in how important I felt it was for me to open up to someone. I’ve been in that situation and know the plus sides of accepting that helping hand.

Talking saves lives it really does so please do not see it as the wrong thing. It is the right thing to do. We’d very much rather see you around for many years to come than not have you here any more.

To see the positivity from TJ after times of struggle is so good to see. He’s learned to come out fighting, albeit with help which of course is massive but he has that drive and desire to bounce back.

The fact he’s had his dream job taken away due to this cruel pandemic is awful as it is for many others in this day and age but he knows that having a good support network whether it’s family or friends will only help and together we can get through the dark times.

He is also right in saying it’s important we return the favour to those who’s helped us. If that friend is struggling, just by texting them asking if they’re doing ok can do wonders for their wellbeing as they realise we care about them just as much as they do about us.

Support networks are key and I can vouch for TJ in saying that the Sappenin Patreon community is a godsend. I’ve met so many lovely and caring people, which I’m still yet to meet in person but when we do, I owe them a few drinks and hugs for sure.

That includes TJ as he is a really awesome person. He’s a credit to himself, his partner Jai, his son Arlo as well as everyone else around him. I’m so glad to know he’s back doing what he loves in barbering and is getting rave reviews as he’s recently started a new position at Keep The Faith Barbers in Cardiff.

He’s truly smashing it and is again proving that following your ambitions and putting in the work will only benefit you. I’ve posted some info as well as TJ’s Instagram page in regards to the barbering as he is so dedicated to the craft.

I wish him nothing but the very best going forward and deserves nothing but good things. Same goes to his family they’re a really close knit and supportive one for sure.

As always thank so much to anyone who’s taken the time to read this blog post. Remember there’s no shame in opening up to someone when you’re in a bad place. My DM’s are open and there’s many great organisations to help as well your friends and family.

Take care, stay safe and until next time don’t think of this as a goodbye but more of a see you later!

TJ’s Barbering Contact Details – 02921406954
ktfsc.resurva.com/book

Instagram – @thomas_james_barbering

Sappenin’ Patreon Link – http://www.patreon.com/sappenin