As touched on in some of my previous posts, I’ve had my battles with self confidence through the years especially with my weight. It’s an ongoing battle which I’m sure so many of us go through each and every day.

I’ve pretty much always doubted myself when looking in the mirror whilst trying on new clothes. I’m also terrible for asking people if it looks alright on me in fear the clothes look too tight on me.

To be honest, I know I’m never going to be “in shape” as I’ve always been a bigger size but there’s been times in my life where I’ve put in the work and felt a lot more comfortable.

The effects of negative body positivity is very detrimental to a person’s mental health as it’s been discussed in previous posts with Bethan Rees and Carys Wigley. Being judged, especially over how you look is a horrible feeling. The furthest I can remember where I have been singled out over my weight was my first year of Comprehensive School, where my issues with bullying began.

It’s carried on pretty much throughout ever since. Granted, I’ve had periods where I’ve gained more confidence whether it’s just by losing weight and/or getting fitter through exercise. The fact remains, that the lack of confidence has always been there. Some of the criticism has been constructive, that being from family or friends. Aside from that, even if it’s deemed a joke, it’s soul destroying at times.

I know I can make the effort to lose weight as it’s my decision to do so. The worst thing a person can do is pressurise someone into doing so. In the past I’ve had people say to me, “you’ve gained weight” or “better come to the gym with me”. To them that would be a joke, but did they consider that the person on the receiving end find it funny? Perhaps they didn’t feel they needed to lose weight, as they were comfortable already?

I wouldn’t go out of my way to comment on someone’s image like that. Consideration is such an important factor. Granted, when we’re out and about with mates, we love a bit of banter but there’s no saying what a subtle comment about someone’s weight could make them feel about themselves. This could be taken from a physical and mental point of view.

Around 4 years ago, I was at the biggest I’ve ever been. I weighed just over 20 stone and my eating/lifestyle habits were at an all time low. If I was out with friends, I’d only wear dark clothing. I would also be very reluctant to have any photos taken as even if it was a group photo, I’d be in the background where you could only see my head. I’d look back on them in near horror as I’d judge myself on every single one.

It got to the point where physically I was struggling. I went on a trip with friends to Berlin and I was in a bad way. It was 30 plus degrees in heat and for someone who’s 20 stone, that’s not going to end well. Whilst out walking I’d be pouring with sweat and I’d be exhausted as a lot of the trip involved walking.

It even got to the point where on the last night, I stayed in as I thought of myself as like a massive burden to the boys. I felt I was slowing them down, which in reality I was as they were a lot better off physically than me. When we flew home, I stayed in for days as I couldn’t bring myself to go out as my body confidence was rock bottom. I know I could change this myself, but the self belief wasn’t anywhere close for me to start doing it.

I’d simply be knackered just by walking up the stairs. My weight and health were concerning my family, especially my Dad. He has gone through his own battles with his weight and was pleading with me to make a change. I had no interest as I was happy just sitting there, eating and watching TV. I’d have takeaway 2/3 times a week, would constantly be snacking and drinking a lot on nights out. Looking back, I was pretty much eating/drinking myself to death.

It got to the point where I was invited to a friend’s wedding and I needed to get something to wear. Finding clothes was a never ending task and eventually I found clothes to fit me. In the end, I wore a XXXL shirt and jacket as I was that big. I forget the size of my trousers but I just about fit into them.

I got to the wedding, and as it went on, the worse I felt about myself. I was in pain because of the state I was in physically and it was clear to see. At that point, I knew I had to make a change. Just 2 years previously, I was at my best ever shape physically and since I let myself go to the point where I was coughing a lung up just by walking a few yards.

My Dad was going to a local Slimming World class, and I finally took him up on his offer to go with him and sign up. The good thing about it was straight away you’re not being judged. From the minute I walked through the door, I felt like this was the best decision for me as the people there had been in the same or a similar boat to me as they were on a weight loss journey themselves.

I threw myself into it and the pounds started falling off. I joined in the February and by the following Christmas, I’d lost nearly 6 stone. Every year I have a photo taken by our Christmas Tree at home before a night out and the difference between 2015 and 2016 was so obvious. It looked like two completely different people.

Physically I felt good as I started playing 5 a side and went football training for the first time in ages. My mates who I’d go with were fantastic support as they were encouraging and so happy to see me in a better state. I was in a good routine where I’d play 5 a side on a Monday and train on Wednesdays.

My confidence also shot through the roof, I was more happy whilst out with friends. As good as I was feeling, there was still negativity eating away at me. I did so well with the weight loss that I become sort of obsessed with it. If I went out and had a few pints on a Saturday followed by a takeaway on the way home, I’d spend the next few days pretty much close to fasting.

I’d only have select meals and even for tea I would have just a bowl of soup or beans as the thought of gaining weight terrified me. It didn’t help either that I still had people make comments on how I looked. These people, who I thought of as friends at the time and going back to earlier in the post, their idea of banter to them involved weight jibes.

They would call me names like “huge” and if I was drinking a pint or was eating something unhealthy, they’d say something like “be careful or you won’t fit into that top again”. They were the type of “friends” who would go out of their way to dent their your confidence. Like I used to do a lot, I’d put on a front and laugh it off. But Aafter going home, those words would stay with me, to the point where I would cry.

It went hand in hand with my mental health as this was around the point where my self doubting was skyrocketing. Like I’ve said in my first blog post, I was drinking heavily on nights out and my moods were all over the place. It got to the point where I lost my job. My mental health hit an all time low and I was not a person I liked at all.

I went to the doctors and finally opened up but this wasn’t the end of it. I started gaining weight, stopped going to 5 a side and training. I did have the means of residing early on that this wasn’t a healthy option as I was beginning my counselling session. They would ask about eating habits and was encouraging me to be more active.

I wasn’t as strict as I was in previous diets but I achieved at what can only be described as a happy medium. I’d eat healthy in the week and enjoy myself on a weekend. I did venture back to Slimming World a few times but didn’t stick to it. If anything I was at a weight where I felt comfortable and even though I did still have periods of self doubt over my weight and appearance, I was more at ease than previous times.

It was around this time that I started running. It’s well documented that I enjoyed it so much that I ended up running the Nos Galan race. It helped to keep at a weight that I was happy with and still enjoyed myself by eating things I liked. If I did feel a bit negative about my body, I’d go for a walk or run and feel so much better for it.

I was at a sort of a happy medium until lockdown started. I planned to keep my momentum going but I was having anxiety attacks whilst out running. I can only put it down to the fear of being around people with what’s going on with the pandemic. I did go for numerous of long walks. There was no anxiety attacks as I suppose had more time to assess where I was going whilst you don’t have too much time to think whilst running.

I haven’t been for a run since March and it I do have aims of getting back out there, it’s just getting over that hill again and going for it. The lockdown period did keep my weight at an even point as I still managed to eat well during the week and enjoy myself on a weekend. The part which I didn’t think would creep on me was drinking.

I wouldn’t drink every day as like junk food, I’d only have it on weekends. I started off by limiting myself to 4 pints of Guinness every Saturday and maybe one or two beers on a Sunday. As the weeks and months went on, I’d drink a couple of more pints on a Saturday and there was a socially distanced street party for VE Day. I’d drink more but only think of it as a special occasion.

As the lockdown continued, I‘d go from drinking beer to rum and mixing drinks is never a good idea. So much that like when I was binge drinking when I was at my lowest points mentally, I started blacking out and not remembering going to bed and other things. That would set my anxiety off and whilst I would have an hangover, I’d eat loads and loads of junk food.

Gradually lockdown would end and I would go back to work. As glad as I was to have a routine back, my eating habits would change as I would snack a lot more at work and home. Slowly I started to gain weight and that’s not without the drinking on weekends. Pubs reopened and small gatherings with friends resumed.

There were 3 other examples of where I binged whilst drinking and would wake up in a terrible state. There were times building up to it where I would feel anxious and stressed and I can only put it down to the stressful times we’ve been in. I went 3 months without seeing my fiancée and I’d challenge anyone to go that long without feeling stressed, upset or anxious.

Since August I’ve gained a fair bit of weight and the self consciousness has returned in full force. I’ve got so much to look forward to next year and like before I know I needed to make a change. As a result I’ve decided to rejoin Slimming World. This decision is not just for my weight but a period of eating good and looking after myself will only help.

I’ve also made the decision to sign up for Sober for October in aid of MacMillan Cancer Support. A month off the drink will also do me the world of good and can only help me in losing weight.

The most important thing about all of this is that I want to lose weight. The only influence that’s gone into my decision is from myself. Not a single person has pressured me. I know I need to make a lifestyle change because I’ll be damned if I go back to the really unhealthy point of my life.

Something which I find annoying is when you have personal trainers and people selling weight loss products message you via social media trying to sell you their stuff. At the end of the day, I know they’re trying to make a living but how do you think people feel when you drop in out of the blue like that? Ive experienced this and so has my fiancée.

As I’ve said before, if we want to lose weight, WE will choose to do so. If we want to buy any of these products, hire a personal trainer or join a gym, we will contact those involved. Be more considerate as advertisement is fine but messaging someone out of the blue isn’t. Just think a little bit before you do this.

I’m only just starting my weight loss journey again but I feel determined to do it. If you don’t put 100% into what you want, you’re not going to succeed. I’d be happy to shift a couple of stone by Christmas. The festive period is always a very challenging time mentally for me and by going into it in better shape and a positive mindset, it can only help me enjoy it with my loved ones.

I’m never going to be “skinny”, I’m comfortable being a bigger size but I know my limits. I realise when I need to make a change and that nobody can influence that but yours truly. I’ll always feel self conscious whether it’s just by taking my T shirt off on the beach but these decisions in starting diets and exercise routines is because I want to.

There’s a saying that I’ve come to appreciate lately and it’s “control your narrative”. Basically, make your own choices and have control of your life. I know what I need to do to be healthier physically and mentally and I can’t wait to start this journey. The title of this week’s post is “Chunky Yet Funky”, I use it as a light hearted way in showing that I’m mostly happy with who I am.

Got a long way to go but I know I can do it. I’ve done it before, I know to not obsess over it like I have in the past. I also only bother with friends who are a positive influence in my life. That’s a huge factor as those who made me feel like shit in the past are no longer relevant to me. Going forward, this is very exciting time for me.

Massive thanks as always for reading. Regarding my efforts in doing Sober for October, I’ve posted the link for the fundraising page below so if you could help with a great cause, thank you so much. Also, the picture I’ve posted below included me at my heaviest, my smallest and my current size.

Don’t bow to pressure, make your own choices and most importantly love yourself. Take care, stay safe and until next time I guess I’ll see you later!

https://www.gosober.org.uk/users/joshua-crisp?fbclid=IwAR2z_31OLb6VAwB-JFcvK90MsPsF8zt5vNSyLAlQazLux_CW7Hzb8JwWPpg

Throughout your life you come across many types of characters. People with big personalities which have an instant impact and effect on you. These people then tend to become a good friend and you go on to enjoy many great times with them.

This couldn’t be more true in regards to the person I’ve spoken to for this week’s blog post. I’ve had the honour of knowing Kevin Morgan since my mid teens. He’s what can only be described as a “gentle giant.”

Those who know Kev will know he has an infectious personality. There’s never a dull moment with him and I’ve had many fun times in his company at home and abroad. He also is a very trustworthy and loyal friend who would be there for you at the drop of a hat and I’m very grateful to consider him a friend.

Sadly like many of us, Kev has had his battles with mental health over the past few years and he’s made some incredible steps to fight back. Many of which we covered during our chat.

You’ve been very honest and open about your issues over the past few years. What inspired you to do so?

I think that the trouble I had initially was that I wasn’t self aware of my problems. It came on over a period of weeks and months and it was difficult to accept this as the “new normal”.

As you’ve known me now for a long time, you’ve always known me as an honest person. In the past I found it much easier to confront my problems and keep the demons at bay. I think it was important to be honest and open as I was. Confronting your problems head on was and still is the best way to be.

At the end of the day, it’s important that we all look after each other whether it’s your friends or loved ones. That’s why I’m so open about my illness as I although struggle to understand it as many others do, talking about it is essential. We not only get that monkey off our backs, but we learn as well.

A problem shared is a problem halved as the old saying goes and I’m a big believer in that. As long we can still work through it, more lives will be saved rather than lost. Sadly during lockdown and even before it many people sadly have taken their own lives because they saw no other option. It’s awful to know that they felt so alone and that’s what we have to change.

I’m fortunate that I’ve had my battle with my mental wellbeing, which I still continue to fight with, I’ve never gone down that road. I count myself very lucky that I haven’t and by talking about my problems, if one person can relate and it helps them it would make a huge difference.

I think you can take a bit of inspiration from close friends and family members who’ve been in similar situations. Hearing from their problems and how they dealt with it was very helpful for me. Of course the NHS and other professional routes were helpful, but it’s really mainly a personal touch that guided me on the road to a healthier life.

I don’t think anyone has the right answer. We all have our own way of dealing with things. Not everyone will find the same avenue helpful. I think sometimes you wake up and wonder if trying a certain way will help you. One thing I learnt was to keep being who you are. Of course not everyone will like it but if it makes you and those who care about happy, that’s what matters.

Be who you want to be and strive to be a better person every day. Little quotes and sayings that are shared via social media will help and relate to as well.

You’ll laugh, cry and smile. Bringing out the emotions will always help. Bottling it up will never be the answer and I’m glad that I’ve found many things to help me and I’m all the better for it.

Is there anything that you would like to share from your own experiences?

As I’ve said, the trouble I found is that there was telltale signs that was on the horizon that I ignored. I suppose hindsight is a wonderful thing when you look back but the journey I went on made me who I am today and I wouldn’t change that. Saying that, I did also go through some very tough periods.

I’m not perfect, far from it in fact. I’m striving and working on being the best person I can be and compared to 2 years ago, I’m in a much better place. There’s probably things building up even before that and I can only compare it to a volcano. It built up so much until it erupted and sadly those were my most difficult times.

It’s much like shaking a can of coke, you shake it and the gas builds up until it explodes. It hit me all at once and I think if you could identify that early you could seek help earlier. That’s one think I regret as I wish I was more self aware to notice these changes early doors. I would have taken precautions sooner rather and later which would have ended up in less difficulties for me, my family and friends.

In my experience, I wish I took advice and information on board. Those closest to you will notice a change and if they do care, they’ll take to one side and ask if you’re ok. I didn’t take that onboard to see that they were concerned for my welfare and you may not like it but you need that wake up call.

You need someone to come to you say “Kev you’re on a slippery slope” or along that context. Just by taking the concern on board regarding my behaviour, it should have made me seek help whether it was talking or reading up about it via the support and resources that are available

For that I’m relieved as it could have gotten a lot worse but the whole experience has made me stronger. I’m lucky to say that I’m still here today. It was a frightening time but take advice, read the signs and seek help. There’s plenty out there and it’s only going to help us get back on the journey to better days.

Why do you think there’s a stigma associated with men’s mental health?

I think it was touched on in your recent blog post with Martyn that there is this stigma of men being seen as the tough, fearless breadwinners. They go out and bring in the income and take the brunt whilst the women would stay home and do the housework.

In previous generations, men weren’t brought up in a way of showing and being honest when it comes to emotion. The answer was get a clip across the ear and get on with it. Even now in 2020, men have an issue when it comes to being “too proud”. I myself can say when I was first diagnosed, it scared me as I didn’t want it to be well known and made myself self cautious.

Are people going to think different of me? Would I be seen as weak? I just wanted to hide away. You’re not doing yourself any favours and by going to talk to a loved one or a professional will only help you grow. You can open up and get these things out of your head which is very important. Being alone with your thoughts, especially negative ones will never be a good thing.

Feed your mind with positivity, you’ll realise it’s ok to open and get assistance. There’s nothing wrong with getting help. I know women have struggles as well and it’s deemed normal for them to be open. Now in the modern era, we’re catching up. It’s becoming more and more normal for men to show emotion and show we struggle too. There’s nothing wrong with us needing a hug either.

It shouldn’t be treated as any different, it is unfair that there’s still a stigma associated with it. It’s down to a generational aspect as well. Growing up from a young age, I bet you’d never hear your Grandfather and his age group seeking help as it wasn’t openly available. I wouldn’t wish bad mental health on anyone, but it should be a more natural thing.

Maybe if past generations were educated more, we’d better off today? But of course, we can only look to the future as we cannot change the past and things are gradually getting better for us.

Look at Paul Merson. I saw that documentary with Harry Redknapp and he was a prime example. He was a big name in football with Arsenal and England but proves to show that anyone can end up on that slippery slope. He had everything and a lifestyle that many still strive to achieve, but it showed he’s only human as we all have our struggles.

You’ve been taking part in Darren Thomas’ boot camps and back involved with Perthcelyn Football Club. How do these environments help you?

To be honest, Darren Thomas’ boot camps have been a bit of a relief. Especially during the times we’re currently in with lockdowns occurring around Wales. It’s getting the best out of a bad situation. As a lot of people will tell you, many of us have gained weight during the original Lockdown period.

One of the things I’ve learned from him and our mutual friend Karl Williams is that fitness is a big thing. It’s a big, strong and positive factor. I’ve leant on Karl, especially during my early episodes with mental health. He’s gone through some very tough times over the years and he in fairness has been a fantastic friend. You would know yourself that he’s an incredibly helpful and insightful person.

He’s also guided me in the past towards fitness and his running helped him massively in difficult times. It’s been inspiring if anything and I’ve used that motivation to help me. One thing he said which was very helpful was that fitness is not just a good way to keep your mind healthy, but a way of finding a release. Just to get out and find your own sense of purpose.

Unfortunately, I’m not at my fittest at the moment. I went through a period of losing my job and currently have part time work but it’s as easy to pick up a takeaway menu as it is to cook food at the moment. So going to Darren’s boot camps is a great way to “get back on the horse” as you were.

Being at the biggest I’ve ever been at this point is disheartening but I know doing things like this, it gets me back into a routine. It also will help me get back to a place physically where I feel more happy and confident with myself. A happy body equals a happy mind and I’m a big believer in that.

The weight hasn’t fallen off as much as it has in the past but it is what it is. What has come from it is that I’ve gained levels of fitness that I didn’t have 10-12 weeks ago when I started the camp. I’ve also learned more about mental health as well.

Of course the 45 min workout is great but there’s a touch of discussion regarding mental health in the sessions as well. It’s not forced on you and you don’t have to speak up but it’s a case of discussing facts and figures. Pretty much just having a chat or going for a coffee. It’s a great community feel with people I knew before and some I didn’t but can now have a conversation with.

It’s surprising how many people you can talk to about mental health and you can relate to. It’s as beneficial for them as it is for me. Like I said earlier, a problem shared is a problem halved and the whole idea of these camps that Darren has set up is a huge benefit to us as well as him.

For me, the football has always been a big part of my life and will be for as long as I’m fit and healthy to do so. I hadn’t drawn a lot of positive effects of mental health from the game apart from a happy body, happy mind sort of aspect. What I have done is made some friends in football, particularly when I was going through my journey. They’ve shared their stories and troubles with me and I’ve done likewise.

My best friend via the game is my mate Mario Scaccia who I met whilst playing for Abernant. The things we’ve touched on via a one to one basis is amazing. He only lives up the road from me which is a huge benefit and there’s things we hadn’t have known about each other if it wasn’t for the breakdown a couple of years ago. The support we gave each other was massive.

I suppose there’s some benefits I took for granted before but appreciate now. If exercise is dealing with something and coping, the friends you gain is also a massive lift. For example, on Saturday (September 26th) we walked on Darren’s last journey as he’s been raising money for MIND. He’s run 11 miles a day over the last 46 days to raise awareness for suicide in the UK.

On the last part of his journey from Pontypridd to Aberdare, we as the group from the boot camp joined him and walked with him. Of course he was further ahead than most of us because of differences in fitness and I was one of them but I’d have probably not have done that 10 weeks ago. Since then I’ve got up and met new people and it’s given me a huge boost. It’s beneficial as it helps me fill the day.

As I’ve mentioned, I’m working part time. I do find odd jobs to do in the meantime but there’s times where I do have nothing to do as the there’s not always extra shifts on the go with Dominos. So the boot camp is a great way to begin the day and get those endorphins kicking in early. It’s a complete change from going to bed at 2-3 in the morning and sleeping through until 12.

That’s not me and you talk about mental health so sleeping through until late doesn’t help. You get up, have a bit of food and it’s back to work as sometimes I’m working until 11 or 12 at night. Where’s the “me time”? You need time to yourself as you need to look after your own wellbeing.

To be honest, I’d be a liar if I said I haven’t gone back to sleep for an hour after the boot camp session. Sometimes I do have a nap for an hour after it but at least I’ve done something positive and physically tiring in order to “earn it” in some ways. I was going to bed and missing the majority of the day before but this is so beneficial.

It’s open to anyone and if they would like to join it’s 6:30 every morning down the Michael Sobell Sports Centre in Aberdare, 5 days a week. There’s great people involved as it’s a massive lift to everyone there.

Is there any other exercises, techniques or anything else which you find helpful and calming in stressful situations?

One thing I described to my family when they ask how I am, is these days I tend to have certain moments instead of episodes. The bad times don’t tend to last as long as they did before. They did go for weeks before and now it’s the odd day. But what it does is give me time to reflect.

Now reflection can happen at any time, like even if I’m just lying in the bath. I know it looks very manly but I find it helpful just by having a relaxing time in the bath. Another beneficial thing for is sharing and talking to others. I went to the Valley Steps workshops and they were a huge help to me. The sessions include courses in your local community centre and they help you to deal and address these issues.

I went to both the anxiety and depression ones as my diagnosis wasn’t entirely specific to either. It was a combination of both and I was very ill as a result. Thankfully, I like to think that now I’m closer to the other side and in a much better place. I went through about the courses in a 12 week period and there was a lot I took away from them. I learn a lot about the illness which I wouldn’t have done so before.

One thing I picked up on specifically was reflection. I found that you could do that any time whether it was on a walk or a drive. Little things like memories on Facebook give me things to reflect on. One instance that stands out was a memory of my Dad who had a cold call from these conmen saying that his laptop had been hacked.

They were saying that his personal information had been accessed as a result and my father wasn’t the most computer literate at the time. In fact he talked so much to the guy on the phone that they gave up and hung up on him in the end. My dad knew nothing was wrong with the laptop, more so because he didn’t even own one at the time!

Reading that took my breath away as a I remember being there for that with my dad and sister. It took me back and I did feel anxious at first and then it made me smile. As you and others know, my Dad passed away a few years ago and it did effect me massively. Memories like that however will remind me of good times like this.

That’s one thing I’ve learnt and going back to our friend Karl Williams, one thing he pushes is to always look at the positives. The negative sides will be there, of course they will but you have to gain a positive out of it. As much as the example with my dad did upset me, in the end I was smiling. That’s the difference at the end of the day.

Mental health can be random. There’s no script and or narrative. Of course medication helps and I was on tablets for 18 months. I hated them to be honest but if I look back, I’ve been off them for 8 months and a lot of positives have occurred to be since. The medication did make me a different person as the mood changes is part of the process, but I didn’t feel comfortable with it.

I needed them at the time as they got me to where I am today. I’m 33 years of age and I hope I’m never on them again, but if I have to so be it. I hope to live a good few more years and I’ll never discourage people to take medication and the brilliant professionals will give their best advice.

I did disagree with the diagnosis initially but in the end I followed the medication course and today I can stand up say I’m here and I’m stronger for it.

I’m not ashamed to say it was a weak point of my life, but like I said it’s a big part of the journey. It’s hard because nobody’s mental health journey is scripted. If you had a cold tomorrow you’d take medication to get better, it’s similar with mental health. It could be music, walking or being with people. You’ll find happiness and relief in something and let it continue to be your go to thing.

What would you say to someone who is struggling and doesn’t know if talking about it is the right thing to do?

There’s no right and wrong answer but bottling up is comparable to shaking a can of coke. The pressure will build and eventually the emotions will explode. Now this could happen in extreme ways like hurting yourself or even taking your own life. It could be as dangerous as that or even in my case have an overnight stay in hospital.

Of course this not only scared me but also those closest to me. It was a strain on the NHS and I thought that it wouldn’t have gotten to this point if I didn’t speak up sooner. Of course I’m grateful as our health service is fantastic and the people who work for it are incredible. They were there when I needed them.

If you can talk about your problems, or vent in different ways like a journal or blog like yourself will be a massive boost. Whether it’s a private chat or not, sharing is caring. You have to find your inner peace and what gets you up and about. If it’s as simple as picking up the phone, do it. Of course social media keeps getting bigger and bigger and it’s eliminating in large parts the art of conversation.

People live on their phones. It frustrates me that people would rather talk online than in person. I still believe the best way to get things out and open is one to one. In my journey, if I had been a bit more aware, I’d have gotten help sooner. I’ve grown in my experiences and become better as a result. Keep talking as it’s a huge benefit.

I’ve recently spoken to a young lad I know through football refereeing who’s had his struggles lately and we’ve had some incredible, in depth chats. He said he found it comforting in speaking to strangers in the doctors than his own family. Of course it had a sort of an opposite effect on me but it proves that talking is most definitely the answer

I know people feel timid and don’t want to be a burden but from my experience, once you open up the journey starts. That could be anything from advice, a hug or medical assistance.

Whoever you open up to will be the beginning towards that light at the end of the tunnel. It’s got to be done and you have rely on someone as if you don’t open up, it will only keep hurting you one way or another.

Mental health is a dangerous game and once you move forward, you’ll never look back. I’m still on my journey as are many others and the more we talk, the more normal it will be. Times are changing, the resources are there help us and we can get through this together.

It’s always a joy spending time and talking to Kev and in this instance it was rather emotional. This conversation was a lot difficult from the usual sort of chats we have as we’re normally enjoying a pint, having a laugh or talking about football.

I’m so proud of Kev and the journey he’s been on. Like many of us, he’s had his low moments but he’s fighting back. When his head is up, he’s one of the most confident people I know. I have no doubt he’ll reach his goals as he’s done it before. His honesty is a credit to himself and his family.

He spoke about our mutual friend, Karl Williams. Anyone who knows Karl will know that he’s one of the most positive and kind people around. Kev and myself are lucky to have people like this in our lives and it proves how essential it is to open up.

Now this doesn’t have to be a friend or family member. It can professional or even a stranger who simply asks if you’re ok. Pride is a burden as our chat explains but determination is the key. Once you get over that hill, the results are endless. It’s a long journey and me, Kev and all of the other people I’ve spoken to are still on them. We are in better places and although we still have bad days, we’re in a healthier state of mind than we were before.

Like I said at the start, Kev is one of the good guys. He’s been through a tough time of it, but to see him come through to the other side is fantastic. His fiancée Steph and the rest of his loved ones have been an incredible resource of support for him. Most importantly he knows he has the strength to push him through. I wish him all the best for it as he really is a top bloke.

Massive thanks as always to anyone who’s taken the time to have a read of this week’s blog post. Especially during these tough times, it’s important we keep talking and showing each other support. We may not be able to see each other but even if it’s a video chat or a phone call, it all helps.

Until next time, take care, stay safe and I guess I’ll see you later!

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these. I’m honoured that my first blog post in nearly a month is one where I speak to someone who’s sharing their incredible story.

That person is my good friend, Martyn Phillips. I’ve known Martyn the best part of 15 years. I’ve always seen him as a fun loving, life of the party type of guy. As our conversation shows, to say that he’s been through a tough journey is a bit of an understatement.

He’s been incredibly honest about his battles and I’m sure that his story will resonate with many people. Whether it’s his mental health, gambling addiction or where it got to the point where unfortunately he spent time in prison.

As our chat will tell you, Martyn has bounced back incredibly these past couple of years. He’s currently Director of Football at Aberdare Town FC, working with vulnerable young adults in assisted living and studying psychology which he hopes will lead him to become a counsellor. All whilst being inspired by creating a better life for him and his son, Morgan.

His story is quite open and emotional and I couldn’t thank him enough for taking the time to talk to me.

You’re currently studying psychology. What inspired you to do this?

Basically, it all stems from what I’ve been through. It would be easy to say that the gambling addiction destroyed me, but it also gave me the opportunity for a clean slate as well.

My character and who I thought I was through my upbringing to my adult years was always perceived personally in a certain way. This is the person who my friends and family would know. I suppose going through addiction and reflecting back shows that I was this person but at the same time, there was a different side to me.

This “second side of me” obviously reared it’s ugly head, not only when I was stressed but it could show up whilst on a night out. It seemed to be out of boredom and money orientated as that is the aim when it comes to gambling as you want to win.

To start studying this course, it gave me the opportunity to understand my behavioural patterns and why I chose to go down this road. Looking upon them, it helped me in a rebuild whilst showing that these types of behaviours can occur without really realising it.

A lot of people have told me and portray see me as a strong character. That they can always talk to me, share things and see me as a bit of a rock. Was that at my own detriment? I was dealing with other people’s problems without really addressing my own. I wasn’t ready to accept that I had problems and would pretty much brush them aside.

Now that was down to ignorance, denial and borderline arrogance on my part. To presume that nothing was wrong and I didn’t have issues was a massive part of the journey. It led me to want to make a difference, not just for me but to help others before they go down the stages I did.

I’d be able to identify these patterns sooner before more self destructive ways, and help guide them to a better and healthier way of life. They can relate to me as well because I’ve been through it.

Studying this degree is a huge learning curve, and I wish I did it after school. 3 years of essays and studying is hard work but I want to learn, have an impact, challenge myself and most importantly make a difference. I want to help someone who’re going through a similar or even worse situation than me.

The goal is to hopefully set up my own company as I do have a background in business management Whilst on my course I’ve come across people who’re looking to specialise in different types of counselling, like marriage counselling. So I want to have a range of different fields to be on offer as we’d able to help people across the board.

I know I can use my experiences to help others by not going down the same road. It will save lives and if I can just save one life with my story, it will mean the world to me.

You now work in the field of Supported Living. How do you feel that your studies help you within your day to day role?

Psychology is a huge field which covers so many aspects such as mental health, criminal psychology and addictions. My course keeps asking me the question of do I want to broaden my horizons by going into these different fields. That question would be answered in a longer term as if I do set up a company I could explore these other parts to gain further knowledge and offer more support.

In regards to my current job, working here has given me an insight of how the care sector works on a day to day basis. I see the good and bad sides of it and I personally enjoy it. I enjoy giving our residents a lease of life whether it’s taking them out for the day, doing new things and just seeing them excel by taking part in something that brings them happiness.

You also build a repour and trust. The bond is built and it’s such a great feeling to see them happy. Of course, on the flip side there are is the negative side to it, but you can use that as a positive. It teaches you to understand them more on an individual level. This would be in terms of their psyche and what’s essential in understanding them of how they’re feeling.

Of course, it’s not just a mental imbalance, there’s the chemical aspect as well. We’re never going to full understand all of this but you can research it and get better grip because not only will it help you, but also help them. We don’t fully understand the brain, and the theories and work out there will help us as best as they can.

Working here has given me a great insight into this sector and it’s given me guidance. As I mentioned with my business background, it’s given me ideas. I’ve brainstormed on if I do have my own company, what would I keep the same and what would I do different. I think I’m in a great field where I’ve met some incredible people, I’ve learned a lot and still am gaining a lot of new information.

It’s keeping my doors wide open in terms of my studies to understand psychology and also social workers to see how these two fields can come together. The results are endless.

Is there anything else that you would like to share from your experiences?

I went through a bad patch myself and even had suicidal thoughts and not many people aside from my family know that I did attempt to take my own life. That night when I was going through all of these thoughts, I had a phone call and it was from my son. All of a sudden it woke me up and that made me think “what am I doing?”

I rang my mother, talked it out with her and it still go this day I can’t believe it got to that point where I thought depression would beat me to that point. It did, and it shows that the strongest of us can go through these moments. It also has helped me appreciate all that I have in my life and not to take it for granted. Life can be turned upside down so quickly, hence why so many people still can’t believe I went to Prison.

When I started working in my current role, I was honest and upfront with everything. I have to build relationships not only with residents but staff. We’re a small organisation with 12 staff members in total, so trust is paramount to a successful working relationship. We did the ‘Two Truths One Lie’ game and they couldn’t believe me when I used my time in prison as they all thought it was a lie.

I had nothing to deny. I feel like explaining things, owning up to responsibility and accepting it’s a part of me is essential. I’m not only trying to set an example for my son but other people as well. And by being open and honest about my past, that’s a huge step in doing so. I’m young enough to change and do what we aim to do by having a sense of purpose.

I could have gone back to gambling and dwelled on my problems, it was the easy thing to do. That’s not who I am, I knew I had to make these changes. When I was younger, gambling never hurt others, only me. As I got older, it not only effected me, but my family and my friends and that was soul destroying. It ripped me apart and I need to prove that it’s a mistake and mine alone.

In a way, everyone’s experiences with mental health are different because as people, we aren’t the same in some ways. We all have weaknesses and deal with things in different ways. I know that I’m difficult to argue with at times but where I was at my lowest was tough for people to deal with to see me that way, especially as how I was still in denial at times.

The first part is acceptance. You can’t dwell or deny anymore. You have to own it and live with it day in, day out. Granted you will have good days where you won’t feel bad and have a more positive approach to things. Then you get days where you feel on a comedown and to be honest, I still get urges to gamble.

However, because of my experiences and the hurt it caused, it drags me back into a thinking mentality where I know what the consequences are. I know what I have to lose and at the end of the day, it’s not worth it. I see how it effects those around me and when you get to that state of mind, you see yourself in a rebuild mode. You have to be open as it makes you stronger.

If you hide it, it builds on you. The more you own it and confront it, it’s healthier. Not just for you but those around you. Own it, come through it and rebuild. It won’t happen overnight, it’s a life sentence and it could rear it’s ugly head again. I have to fight this every day of my life and show this strength and come back from it.

I have to show an example for my son and also my mother. I owe her so much as she’s done a lot to give me and my brother a future. I feel like I’ve let her down the most. That hurts but if I can rebuild and come back then I can prove to her the way she’s brought me up was the right way. I’m building my strength from hers, she’s my inspiration to give me that lease of life.

Everyone who knows me will understand that I am an emotional person at times and a deep thinker. So if I do show emotion, it doesn’t bother me. At the end of the day, it’s who I am and I’m not ashamed as it’s a much healthier way to be instead of holding it in. If you don’t talk about it, it eats away at you. It will manifest itself in a very self destructive way.

Why do you think there is a stigma associated with men’s mental health?

Obviously from a generations past, men were always perceived to be the breadwinner, brought home the money etc. Men were seen as the stronger one in the relationship and the rock who couldn’t be broken. No matter what, they would have to step up and get the family through anything.

However as the years have gone by, times and things change. Now as we’ve grown, have we also deteriorated? Is there something within males that in a way likes being the breadwinner? Being the ones to keep that family going? Of course now we’re in a much more equal climate with women, which I am fully in support of. Do some men suffer as a result of that?

Chemical imbalance within our brain would be a factor as many men would struggle with the concept that they cannot accept this. The way we were brought up has now been challenged with this new, modern way of life. Although it may be a better one, the mind will struggle to accommodate that.

That side of it doesn’t hurt me, as I do support it, but the stigma surrounding men is that we don’t talk about our problems. We should “man up” and that is not the case. If you do not confront these issues and talk about them, they will manifest in different ways and forms and have a massive and negative impact on our health and wellbeing.

The stigma prevents a lot of men to deal with the issues. There’s a large increase of suicides, especially with young men. It’s due to a lot of changes in the modern times. It’s still seen to a lot of men that opening up shows weakness. At times we need a hug or a “cwtch” and what’s wrong with that? Nothing that’s what. We need as much comforting as anyone.

Men want to feel as equally loved as a woman does. I believe every man wants to be hugged by their wife, child or other family members. That feeling of being alone is a huge impact on mental wellbeing so feeling loved is a huge boost to us, myself included. Men struggle to talk to their partners when they’re the closest person to them, that again goes down to a generational issue.

Things are changing though, it’s not a quick fix and I believe there’ll be a few more years until definite change is made. The campaigning from males who’ve been through these issues is essentials. Especially when it’s coming from role models like the ex footballer, Paul Merson. He’s gone through addiction with alcohol, drugs and gambling and is now comfortable enough to open up about it.

Craig Bellamy is a another example. He’s opened up on his battles with anxiety and depression. These high profile people opening up and showing their true side shows no matter what background our status they have, nobody is exempt. And people can still resonate with them and inspire males to speak up and seek help.

Once again, you’re fighting back and rebuilding yourself. This shows more strength than anything because being through it myself, to find the self belief guides me to a healthier life. I’ll never take my foot off the pedal, I’m driven by the bad point of my life but the entire attitude needs to change. We need to support each other more.

The ethos of male bonding is changing, especially when looking after each other. It’s a slow process but we will get there. I’m sure of it.

What do you wish was more well known and out in the open about mental health?

I wish that there was more help that could be accessed more readily. I think the whole field is underfunded. As I’ve mentioned, we’re in a transitional period where you’re seeing children suffering mental stress during exams. And children don’t fully understand the extremes of mental health.

Of course exams and schoolwork is stressful, no doubt about it but that is a learning curve of life. Job interviews is an anxious time as well. I fear that mental health is being watered down in some ways due to this. Of course the examples I have are difficult situations, but you have to go through stressful points in life. You’re never going to sail through without it.

We need to be very careful because mental health can be misdiagnosed and not finely tuned. We don’t want to all be put into the same bracket. I want to look into more experimental ways like life choices and how we’re brought up. Is it genetic? Like my father was an alcoholic, so he like me had an addictive nature.

I realised this, so the addictive nature manifested in a different way as I didn’t start drinking until I was 18. I was dead against it due to my father. So it then came out with the gambling. This experience was coming and could anyone have helped me early on? I don’t know because I was quite stubborn and only I could have changed me.

With my studies, I need to find a bridge of dealing with a person like me and stopping them and their families going through a similar or even worse heartache. By achieving that, I would have done what I set out to do.

What sort of techniques, exercises and activities help you in difficult situations?

I think it’s down to recognising that the mind is a powerful tool. When you are alone or bored, the mind can be your worst enemy. It’s all about getting away from that and keep your mind as occupied as possible.
It’s starting over in a training sort of aspect.

To re-train it in a way where you find a new routine helps as you don’t want to be sat there alone with your thoughts as overthinking will come into play. At the moment I work 60 hours a week between my job and my studies so I’m always busy.

Yes, I do have time to rest but I have a full time job, I’m on a course and on weekends I look after my son, so I’m always busy.
In the evenings after work, I play football or tennis. If I don’t have any of these things on, I’ll go for a walk. I’ll try and do as much exercise as possible. I know it’s important to rest and recharge yourself. When you know it’s time to relax, find ways of doing it. Some like to read, that’s not for me but walking is good for me. Mountain walks helps, it gives me something to push myself towards and to be honest I’m sucker for a good view.

It’s very therapeutic for me as is being in the company with my family and friends. That could be going for a meal, a drink or any other type of gathering. Of course due to COVID it hasn’t happened as regularly as I’ve liked so that’s been difficult. It’s helped me in a way as I’ve still worked. I haven’t been stuck at home and I’m very lucky to have a great working relationship with the staff and our clients.

Keeping them engaged, keeps me busy. It was awful that I couldn’t see my son aside from video calls but work was a safe haven because it keeps me busy. But holding him again after not seeing him for 10 weeks was unreal. It was such a massive life. Keeping busy is key, you give your endorphins a boost. Keep pushing and challenging yourself. Set yourself realistic targets, recharge and go again.

You don’t learn from the good, you learn from bad experiences. I take that into account and that’s how we develop and mature. That’s what I intend to mould myself from here on.

What would you say to someone who is struggling and doesn’t know if talking about it is the right thing to do?

Talking about it is the way out of it. If you don’t, it will not help. You have to release it because it will only keep building and it’s so unhealthy. If we burden ourselves, we’ll never be at peace and it will knock you until we’re down and out. Sharing is the way forward.

There are ways to do it, and that essentially is talking. Whether it’s counsellor, friend or family member, it only takes one person to listen and it will pour out. Yes you may be burdening that person but they’ll be so happy that you’re opening up.

They would rather you be here than not be around. That’s what we should all be thinking. We all make a difference in one way or another and play our part. Not being here will only hurt those we love. That is how we come from it and rebuild with other people’s support.

We then remodel our outlook In order to support others and that is the best approach to a healthier way of mental wellbeing.

To be honest, there were times where I felt emotional whilst speaking to Martyn. In all the years I’ve known him, he’s always been honest. In this case he surprised me with just how bad things were when he was at his lowest points. I’m so glad that he’s turned things around.

It’s a complete 360 for him these days. As he’s mentioned, he’s got more purpose than ever before. He’s a fantastic father and an all round great man. I have no doubt he’s going to be successful as he’s always been ambitious. Plus, whenever he’s set his mind on something he’s gone through with it whether it’s in a working environment or sports.

We talked beyond our chat for the blog for another half hour as we normally do when we’re in each other’s company. I’ve had the pleasure of spending time with him many times and always find him a great and trusting person to talk to.

I wish him nothing but the best as he continues his studies, and further goes towards his aim of become a counsellor. He’s clearly put a lot of thought into this, and is very driven. His approach to life these days is a much healthier way compared to a few years ago. He’s a credit to himself, his son and the rest of his friends and family.

Thank you once again to Martyn for taking the time to talk to me. Huge thanks as always goes to anyone who has taken the time to read this. Remember the keep talking as it’s the best thing you’ll ever do.

Until next time, take care, stay safe and I’ll see you later!

There are many things which have helped me in difficult situations, many of which I’ve previously discussed in previous posts. There is however one influence which I haven’t really talked about and that’s music.

I’ve come to realise that music does have a huge effect on me and I’m sure it does on many others. You see on social media, people mentioning how a song and/or album by a particular artist has helped them through a difficult period in their life and I can honestly count myself as one them.

In my very first post, I mentioned how The Cure’s ‘Boys Don’t Cry’ and the message behind lead singer Robert Smith’s songwriting spoke to me. It stuck with me so much that I named the blog after it. Plus it’s a way of highlighting the negative attitudes towards mental health we’ve grown up with as we fight against this toxic stigma.

It’s easy to listen to a song and enjoy it, but when you focus on the lyrics and the theme of the song, that’s what stays with you. If you can relate to what’s being sung then a connection is instantly formed. There’s so many artists and songs that I’ve found that with and only until recently remembered how much music means to me, especially when in difficult situations.

In a study which was carried out in 2011 by McGill University in Montreal, Canada, they found that music releases a chemical in the brain that has a key role in setting good moods. Dopamine is known to produce a “feel good” state of emotion in response to certain stimulants and volunteers’ level of Dopamine was found to be 9% higher when listening to music they enjoyed.

So essentially they’re saying that if you enjoy the music, you’ll instantly feel happier. I find that is the case with a number of songs, especially if they remind me of a person or memory. For example, every time I hear ‘Dakota’ by Stereophonics it reminds me of my fiancée as it’s her favourite song. When we’ve seen the ‘Phonics play this song live, it was clear to see the joy on her face and that memory stays with me.

Once again it shows that music will display feelings of pleasure and contentment but will trigger happy memories which will of course be a positive psychological benefit. The song ‘You and I’ by Tom Walker will remind me of my friends’ first dance in their wedding and ‘Fat Lip’ by Sum 41 will stand out because me and my friends danced (or actually jumped around to it) in my engagement party.

Music can influence memory, thoughts and behaviour. I’ve always been a fan of rock music and plenty of times I’ve listened to heavy music to get me in the mood for something. Now that could be sport, going out or just heading off to work. Motivation is a huge factor, especially when combating mental health issues.

In school, I was bullied and one of the reasons was the type of music I listened to. I was labelled a “goth” just because I used to wear T shirts and hoodies of the band I followed. The treatment continued as I got older with the hairstyles I had and the clothes I wore. It didn’t deter me as a lot of my friends were into the same music as me and kept encouraging me to be myself.

We’re all not going to agree on everything but why physically and emotionally abuse someone over the music they like? If anything, the treatment I received made me more determined to be myself and listen to what I wanted to. Granted I was struggling but if I bowed to the pressure that I was put under, I wouldn’t be who I wanted to be and that is not a healthy way to live at all.

I’ve also found heavy music to be a massive stress relief. When I was growing up, especially when I was going through periods where I was being bullied or stressed with exams, I’d put on some Slipknot, Bring Me The Horizon or Linkin Park and just shout along to the lyrics. I’d feel calmer as a result and like many other avenues, music releases aggression.

Now there’s a few theories and belief that heavy music will cause aggression, for me that isn’t the case. A lot of the themes of songs from these bands have came from stressful and difficult situations. Look no further than Linkin Park. The lead singer Chester Bennington wrote frequently about his mental health issues in some of the band’s most famous songs.

‘Numb’ is a song which stood out to me at a very young age. I was only 12 when it came out but at the time I was being bullied and felt the emotion coming from Chester as he sang it. He was always very personal with his lyrics and they resonated with so many people including myself.

Essentially the song is based on depression being caused as a result of the pressures he was under. The song was written under a different context as it’s based on pressure from parents but I understood it as I was struggling with the effects that bullying had on me. Listening to music like this helped me and the older I got, the more I understood that no matter what background or social standing you have, we all have our struggles.

Sadly, Chester took his own life a few years ago after his well documented battles with his mental health took control. At that point, I was pretty much at my lowest points as I was drinking heavily on nights out and wasn’t sharing my problems with anyone. I also went through a point where I didn’t do things I enjoyed anymore like listening to music.

When I found out that Chester passed away, it hit me hard as he was definitely someone I admired whilst growing up and as a result started to listen to his music again. The lyrics stood out to me a lot more than before. The song ‘Leave Out All The Rest’ screamed out to me especially one particular line.

“I’m strong on the surface, not all the way through”

All the negative thoughts was replaced by this lyric. I found that it had helped me realise that I had to sort myself out. It once again highlighted to me that the most famous people have their struggles even though it appears they have it all. It was once again a way of showing how music can be therapeutic and in Chester’s case, songwriting and performing was his way of therapy.

So not only can music boost your mood but it can also inspire you to improve yourself and go on to greater things. My favourite song is ‘Times Like These’ by Foo Fighters and the chorus features a line which I use as a form of a mantra every single day.

“It’s Times Like These we learn to love again,Times Like These time and time again.”

If something knocks me back or if I have a bad day, I know that tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start. Those lyrics emphasises that belief and to start with a positive mindset.

The last few weeks on my Instagram page, I’ve been sharing images which feature certain song lyrics. During lockdown I discovered so many new bands via ‘Sappenin Podcast’ which features many rock bands but also touches in a many episodes on mental health. It was via this podcast where I discovered the Pop Punk band, State Champs.

I’d heard of them at that point but never checked out their music. Their interview on the podcast had my attention as they spoke about how mental health influences their songwriting. They’ve written about love, breakups, loneliness and how they’ve responded to these issues and have a huge fanbase who relate to the topics they cover in their music.

The band’s lead singer Derek DiScanio has said that the band does its best songwriting in an environment which is stress free. It gives them time to reflect on how they felt before and as a result gives them plenty of inspiration to write songs. This approach is perfectly highlighted in their song ‘Elevated’.

The band have said that the main message this song gives is that ”everyone has those worries in dark times, and goes through rough patches, but it’s up to us to stick together”. The song is about guitarist Tyler Szalkowski’s concerns that the band’s growing success was effecting is mental health. Things were changing and the fact more people were paying him and the band attention was overwhelming for him.

The song ‘Elevated’, was a response to those concerns, that if one member is struggling, the rest will be there to get them through it. This further emphasises that support is essential. If you open up and show that you’re concerned or struggling, those who truly care about you will be there. The story of the song continues with a line which really does stand out to me.

“I’m finally acquiring the state of mind,That everything is going to be alright”

The message of the song is loud and clear. Be honest about your concerns and those who love and support you will get you through the tough times. The band also admit that the writing process for this song brought them closer together because it was important to listen to Tyler’s problems and the results made their friendship and working relationship stronger. This further proves the point that music definitely has a strong influence on people.

Whether it’s metal, punk, pop, dance, hip hop or classical, music can help you in bad situations and effect your mood. It helps motivate us, aid relaxation and increase the efficiency of your brain processing. It’s so much more than a form of entertainment, it brings people together. The amount of conversations I have with my friends about music is endless. Whether it’s discussing a new album, sharing playlists or going to a concert together, it shows that connection is a massive aid towards a healthier wellbeing.

I’m lucky enough to know a few people in bands, some who’ve gone on to record their music and tour. The bond they have with their bandmates is a joy to see, especially the pure love of writing a song, having it on a public platform for all to hear and seeing so many other people pick up on it when they play live.

Music is therapeutic. It lifts us, it guides us and without it, god knows where we’d be. The older I get, the more I appreciate it and the meanings behind a lot of the stuff I listen to.

Whatever genre you listen to, if you find it helps you, carry on. It’s a shame at the moment we can’t go to concerts due to the pandemic but I’ve got so many to look forward to and can’t wait to have that feeling of joy and excitement. The type you can only get whilst in a crowd singing along to a song you love. The experience is incredible, especially looking around and seeing hundreds and thousands of people joining in.

It’s said that a powerful enough song can even change your life. Music can even teach what humanity cannot always do. How to be human, live, feel and love. I’d recommend to anyone that if things aren’t going right, and you don’t know what to do, just turn up some good music, and tune out for a few minutes before you attempt to figure everything out again.

Whether you’re in a band, play an instrument, sing or just like listening to a few songs, if it gets you through, keep doing what you’re doing. Be yourself and if it brings you closer to someone whether it’s friendship or even romance, reap the rewards because it’s endless.

I’m so grateful to anyone for reading this post. This is something which meant a lot for me to write and I was listening to a lot of music whilst writing it. It certainly brought back a lot of feelings and memories in a good way. Especially in a reflective point of view where in seeing how far I’ve come from schooldays and how music can still give me the massive boost I need now.

There’s a few links posted at the bottom of the post for some articles that I found helpful. If you ever want to chat about music, let me know. It’s not just rock music I like, I’m into so many genres and could talk about it all day long.

Thank you, take care, stay safe and until next time I guess I’ll just see you later!

https://www.verywellmind.com/surprising-psychological-benefits-of-music-4126866

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/your-stories/why-music-is-great-for-your-mental-health/

When I thought about starting this blog, there were many things which inspired me. One thing which really stood out to me was other people who took the huge step to share their stories about mental health.

I’ve known Saima for a few years as we used to work together. She’s always come across as an honest person, especially with her ongoing battles with her mental wellbeing. Her blog, ‘Saima Says’ has been an inspiration and shows how brave she has been.

I bumped into her a few weeks ago and instantly thought she’d be the perfect person to share her story, and thankfully she accepted the invitation.

What inspired you to start writing a blog?

I feel like I’ve had so many past experiences that would help other people. This would be experiences I’ve had on an individual basis, but also once I’ve shared with others.

I feel these situations have been rather unique. A few of my friends have said that my life resembles a Soap Opera like ‘EastEnders’. I’ve always had a lot going on and I feel that I’ve learned a lot from these experiences and starting a blog was a way of getting that out there.

It’s something that I’m passionate about and it’s as creative as it is educational to those who’ve gone through similar experiences. I also found there wasn’t a lot of stuff out there to help people understand when a close friend of family is struggling and how to support them. So that’s another reason I started it, so it can be understood from both sides of the situation.

I never used to be a person who read blogs. I came across someone who wrote one on a totally different subject but it did help me to have the idea of sharing my experiences in that type of context. Now I read other blogs such as yours.

What sort of message would you like people to take from your blog?

It’s a lot about finding out about different coping strategies in difficult moments. I’ve gone through a lot of CBT training and as a result, gained a lot of knowledge and techniques of which I can share. So people can understand and learn through them and help with their mental wellbeing.

There’s particular ways of dealing with certain situations which I’ve found have helped me massively so the message I want to put out there is that there’s a lot of different ways to help and showing how to develop them.

I also write about mechanisms which didn’t help me as some of them aren’t for everyone and I want to be as honest as I can. It’s an each to their own kind of scenario with these techniques but have showing both sides of the coin, it presents the full story and would present an honest approach.

I also want to show that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I like to end my posts on a positive note. Although, I’ve gone through these experiences, I’ve come out stronger at the end of it, so if anyone is in a similar situation, the blog is there to help people understand that there is a way back. It’s a difficult one, but you’d never regret starting this journey. Bad things happen but this where I am as a result of the steps I’ve taken.

Is there anything that you would like to share from your own experiences with mental health?

It’s hard to put into words but never judge people when you look at them. Everyone has their own stories and their personal struggles. Assumption is mostly never a good thing because you do get the wrong end of the stick as a result. My experiences have helped me understand this as I’ve been guilty of that in the past.

Someone could be smiling and the “life of the party” but deep down they’re fighting their own battles and you have no idea what they’re going through. That’s why I like meeting new people whilst I’m travelling. These experiences have taught me that connection is key.

When you meet new people, it’s entirely a new experience. You don’t know a thing about each other, especially backgrounds and you end up learning so much about each other. We live in such a tight community at home where everyone knows each other and that’s very difficult at times and I find it does effect your mental health. So it’s nice to go away and have a clean slate when meeting new people.

From these experiences it helps avoid the feeling of being judgmental. Of course I’ve been judged by friends and family. It’s a matter of stepping back and realising what’s good and bad for your mental wellbeing. Not everyone will have the same perception of you and dealing with it is a very tough process at times.

The entire process especially with my blog is to understand tolerance and education. Not just for me but the people reading it and the people who’ve made me feel this way. It’s a massive learning curve for all of us.

You’ve spoken very openly about people who’ve acted badly and bullied you in the past and have since tried to befriend you and ask you out. How does that make you feel when this situation presents itself?

It makes me feel awful to be honest. It’s a truly horrible situation. I feel like those people haven’t even learnt anything from when they were in school with me and behaving in such a bad way.

I used to be bullied quite a lot over my teeth and my nose. I’m now 24 and it’s become my biggest insecurities stemming from the treatment at the hands of these bullies. I now wear braces because I feel like I need to fix them when my friends try to reassure me constantly by telling me that I look fine and don’t need to.

These experiences stay with you and the things they say don’t go away. I’m 6 or 7 years out of school and it’s still effecting me to this very day. Those people are still there and popping up in my messages and it’s a completely different situation. I just don’t understand their way of thinking and how they feel that the way they treated me in the past can just be brushed under the carpet.

They’ve gone from insulting me over the way I look to them telling me I look really pretty and try to ask me out. It simply doesn’t work like that. No thank you. I’m very vocal about this and even recently someone popped up in my DMs and asked me out. I simply said no thank you and confronted them over it.

I was completely honest by saying that they were horrible to me in school and it wasn’t acceptable. He said he was sorry and that he “wanted to make it up to me”. I just don’t know how that can be deemed a reasonable reply. You remember certain people from a cluster of a group. It’s funny in a way but it’s really shallow and disgusting that people feel that this can be forgotten so easily.

They just don’t understand the long term effects and how it makes you feel even though it happened a very long time ago. I’ve been on a dance floor on a night out and a group of girls who I didn’t get along with and treated me badly in school come up and try to dance with me and act like nothing happened. Just because it was years ago, doesn’t mean that you can’t step up and take responsibility for your actions.

It has long term effects. Some people can let go easier than me but a lot of people are in the same boat. You could be walking home and they’re throwing things at you. You’d keep your mouth shut and carry on as if everything is normal but now that you’re older none of that matters anymore? I’m sorry it just doesn’t work like that.

What sort of exercises/techniques do you find helpful in difficult situations?

I find mantras very helpful. I’ve come across them during my CBT sessions. A common one is “right here, right now I’m ok”, which is so helpful to repeat to yourself whilst having negative thoughts and even panic attacks, of which I do suffer from. It gives me a calmer mindset and definitely helps me down in those difficult moments.

Breathing exercises are also a massive help. Similar with panic attacks and other anxious moments, especially during lockdown because the whole pandemic situation triggered a lot of it. You use different things for different problems and I also suffer from health anxiety. I make lists during my difficult moments. I write down of what I’m thinking and go over them when I’m in a better place to reflect on and show where I was wrong in my negative thinking.

I think that everyone needs to find their best means of support and coping mechanisms as everyone is different and have their own preferences. Music helps so much as I focus more on lyrics and what they represent. The song ‘Drown’ by Bring Me The Horizon means so much to me. It’s been 6 years since it was released and even now I feel emotional listening to it.

If you ask me how I’ve felt these past few years, I do refer to that song because it captures the feeling so much that it really has become my anthem. They write so much about feelings and how negative experiences effect them and proves to show that music is also a massive coping mechanism.

What do you wish was more well known about mental health?

I think it’s going back to not judging people and looking at the way they’re acting. Don’t take them by your first impression. Ending the stigma that’s attached to it is essential in avoiding these behaviours. I’m involved with a charity called Time To Change Wales who’s aim is to end the stigma around mental health.

They’re encouraging more and more people to be open in confronting their problems and have workshops and talks in order to get their message across and share stories of experiences. Whether it’s school or the workplace it’s about getting the message out there that it’s ok to open up and there is a journey to a better and healthier way of life.

It’s about showing where you are now. You might be high functioning but it doesn’t mean you don’t struggle with your mental health. It’s about reflection and recovery no matter what background you have.

What would you say to someone who is struggling and doesn’t know if talking about it is the right thing to do?

How will you know until you talk about? I know it sounds a little harsh but you won’t know what happens until you make that step and speak to someone. Obviously we want to get better but you have to take a leap of faith and try different things until you find the one factor which does give you the lift you need.

In my experiences I did it the hard way where I hit the proverbial brick wall and had to climb over it and by doing that I tried all of the things I’ve previously mentioned. I need to do something and trying new things will help you find the perfect outcome.

It won’t help by bottling up. Honesty is key. You’ll talk about it and there is help from people whether it’s friends, family and professionals. You may not hear what you want to hear but it’s about acceptance which is a massive step to recovery.

I’ve had multiple bad experiences talking to people and have chosen the wrong one but if anything it hasn’t deterred me from carrying on and finding the support I need. It takes courage and it is a bumpy road but there is light at the end of tunnel.

I’m very glad that I bumped into Saima a few weeks ago. We ended up talking for nearly half an hour and our chat for this blog post went for over an hour. I’ve always found her an honest and approachable person who’s as helpful as she is understanding.

As someone who’s also had experiences of bullying and where the negative people involved have tried to act like everything is normal, I understand to an extent what Saima is going through. Good on her for being upfront and calling them out for their behaviour because how are they going to learn otherwise?

I’m proud of her work with Time To Change Wales and her blog has been a massive lift to me in difficult times and is a massive influence on my own personal journey that I share with you. I have shared links to the charity and Saima’s blog on the bottom of the post incase you would like to check them out.

A massive thanks goes to all of you who have taken time to read this. Same goes of course to Saima for putting stuff on hold for chatting to me. She’s definitely making waves and is a fantastic advocate for mental health and I wish her all the best.

To all of you, stay safe, take care and remember we’re all this together. Until next time, I guess I’ll just see you later.

https://www.timetochangewales.org.uk/en/

https://saima-says.home.blog