In one of my previous blog posts, I covered the topic of “Image”. There I focused in large parts on body positivity, where instead of bowing to the pressure which is thrust on us, we should eliminate the negativity, unwanted criticisms and learn to love ourselves.

It was inspired in many ways by the person I’ve spoken to this week. Bethan Rees pretty much embodies the whole idea of body positivity. Via her social media platforms, Bethan is very open and honest as to how damaging these negative factors can be to a person and how we can counteract them and accepting who are.

She also opens up on a number of other important issues such as bullying, mental health awareness and how a supportive network can get you through a lot of difficult situations.

You’ve spoken very openly about body positivity. What inspired you in order to do this?

Believe it or not, Instagram played a huge part. I know it’s one of the last things people would expect me to say as it’s highlighted as a negative factor a lot of the time. I love fashion and the different styles that are available and Instagram provides me with a way of finding styles I’m already familiar with as well as new ones.

I used this platform to see what types of clothes girls my size were wearing and then find which stores I could find them. I ended up finding a sort of plus size or body positive community. It helped me become involved by reading what these people were about and how they felt about their bodies.

I found I could relate to them as they went through the same things I did and learned to love themselves for who they are. There’s one user named Jess On The Plus Size who speaks to me on so many levels. I‘m pretty much glued to her posts and stories because she is so inspirational.

She helped me realise that at some point, there’ll always be negative people talking shit about you. It doesn’t matter what you look like, as long as you’re comfortable and confident in yourself that’s all that’s relevant. People like Jess have helped me gain and show the confidence I now have in myself. 

Growing up and not being a confident person, you naturally assume that most people don’t appreciate people who’re different and aren’t naturally thin. By finding this community via social media caused me to re-evaluate my own perception of social media as a whole. It showed me that it can be used to promote the views that I now share myself.

My pessimistic self would have thought that everyone would have been nasty in the comments. Although there still are a lot of them, you do see a lot of positive stuff and it does give you a massive boost. That inspired me to post a picture of myself in a bikini and the comments were so overwhelming.

Everyone posted nice, positive feedback, tell me I looked good and it gives you a massive lift whilst showing there are still good people out there.

Also, all of my family and friends have been such huge confidence builders for me as they see me for who I am and appreciate me for it. It’s made me feel comfortable as a result and having that inner circle is vital. Therefore, it then inspires me to speak out and talk about how it’s perfectly fine to be plus size and still love your body.

What sort of effect does body shaming have in regards to mental health?

To be perfectly honest with you, it’s soul destroying. Body shaming is everywhere as it’s in the media, the local pub, casual conversations, you just can’t escape it at times. I’ve experienced this where I’ve been called fat and other insults in person or over a message.

I don’t think that the majority realise the effects that it can have on a person. The thing is, there’s nothing that someone could say to me that I’ve already thought about myself anyway. This especially happened to me whilst growing up. Even if I do think these negative things about myself, to know that other people are thinking it and openly telling you about it beyond awful.

It crushes you and you end up in a place where you don’t want to be seen or don’t want to go out and socialise. It further dents your self confidence in regards to the clothes you wear especially with anything bold because you fear that people will make fun of you. So I can’t be myself as a result.

So many people are effected by this and it gets to the point where it damages people so much that they take their own lives as a result of the abuse they’ve received. They think they’re worthless which is not the case at all. People need to realise how much of an impact their criticisms have on a person’s mental wellbeing and how it could push someone over the edge.

You’ve touched on it briefly but do you feel that the media have a major role to play in all of this?

Absolutely. I went on the Daily Mail website the other day and it there must have been 20 different articles where women in bikinis were the focus points. There were no men featured either which was also a concern but they all seemed to focus on the women’s bodies and how they looked.

One article in particular featured Mollie Mae who featured on last year‘s ‘Love Island’ TV show. They put up these pictures of her on holiday as she wearing a bikini. Some of the comments from people on there was beyond awful. She’s so beautiful and the reason she was criticised was because she didn’t airbrush or photoshop them. She’s just natural and these people are saying that she was ugly and they wouldn’t go anywhere near her.

It’s a similar process in some ways of what happened to Caroline Flack. The media pushed her so much with the constant coverage and criticisms of her and what was happening in her social life and as soon as she passed away, they were paying tribute to her. It’s so hypocritical as they should be held responsible as they’re having so many negative effects on a person’s mental wellbeing.

As long as you filter and edit your photos where you don’t look fat, it’s deemed ok. That shouldn’t be the case as if you’re the opposite you’re hung out to dry by the press who’re supposed to be informing us of important events. They have a duty yet they’re causing a lot of harm to people and encouraging people to post negative comments.

Another example is Bethan Kershaw who features on the TV show ‘Geordie Shore’. She posted photos recently where she’s in fantastic shape but she’s bent over and forcing these rolls and saying it’s ok to look like this. But if I posted a photo which was like that, the amount of shit I’d get would be relentless. But because she’s skinny and forcing rolls, it’s deemed ok.

The media would say the same. I’d be criticised for it and she would be praised. There’s a huge sense of favouritism. The bigger you are, the less you matter. Nothing against Bethan Kershaw, it’s the media who’re to blame. They have journalism degrees and they choose to write about this? That’s not newsworthy, it’s bullying.

What do you feel needs to be different in order promote more awareness and acceptance towards body positivity?

I think that with the media, they have to take responsibility for their actions as I’ve said they have a major impact on a person’s mental wellbeing and their body confidence. They have a duty to inform and even educate us, not objectify and criticise someone for their size.

Celebrities could do a lot more as well. Lizzo is a big example of someone in a high profile position who’s a fantastic advocate for body positivity. She doesn’t care what people think and is honest in confronting these criticisms. A lot more celebs should be similar to Lizzo in standing up and showing that it’s ok to be who we are and not bow to the pressure which is forced upon us.

Obviously Adele has now lost a lot weight, and total respect and admiration goes to her. Beforehand she was similar where she would call out the critics and even make little jokes herself about her size. I think especially young boys and girls should be made to know that it’s ok to not have a six pack and not have a tiny frame as it is a unhealthy obsession for a lot of you gets.

Celebrities have a massive following and so many of them can use their voice for good and help change this perception. By showing there’s different options that are not forced on you by the media, you can make your own choices without pressure and learn to love yourself as a result.

Social media have to take more action against trolling and negative posting. I can’t see it happening soon as people can make new accounts. Bobby Cole Norris from ‘TOWIE’ has started a campaign for Parliament to pass a law where trolling is illegal. People have hounded him for being gay and he’s stood up and called for action to be taken.

The damage it has on people is clear and obvious and more responsibility should he taken by the social media companies like Twitter and Facebook. It’s far too easy to post hurtful comments and the more action that is taken, the quicker the perception will change to show that this is not normal behaviour and it will not be tolerated.

Is there anything else that would like to share from your experiences with something that effected your mental health?

When I was younger I was bullied very badly in school. I listened to rock music, dressed differently and wasn’t “normal” in comparison to a lot of girls in my year. As a result I was targeted by a group of girls who focused on the these differences.

They would physically attack me, even to the point where they poured cider all over me. They would call me fat and a goth which would make me feel awful about myself and very isolated at times. Going past that, I’ve come out on the other side where if someone said or tried something like that again, they wouldn’t be able to take me down in an argument.

From Year 10 or 11, I started seeing my now ex boyfriend who introduced me to a new group of friends who made me feel better about myself and that the people who were bullying me were horrible people. I focused on the positives and had a fantastic support network. The bullying eventually stopped and I started to blossom in my new environment and felt a lot more positive and confident.

They were my people and they were going like me no matter what I looked like. Your friends and family will get you through anything. You find out in tough situations who’s there for you and I’m so thankful that they were there for me when I needed them and I would do the same if they needed me.

I think that kids can be so nasty that they don’t realise how hurtful their actions and words can be. To be perfectly honest, the bullying was the making of me as I’m a much more confident person than before. For some people it can be life changing in a negative way where they’re depressed and take very dark paths. It’s so sad to see when they should never be made to feel that bad to begin with.

Why do you think there is a stigma associated with mental health?

If you struggle with mental health, it’s very difficult for a lot of people to open up. When I was at my lowest point, I found it really hard to speak to someone and was scared incase I’d be seen as a burden. I’d see my mother crying and blame myself because I didn’t want to worry her. I’d feel even worse as a result and although I knew I wouldn’t do anything stupid, it was such an awful time for me where I felt alone.

Asking someone if they’re ok is a great help and although there’s a huge movement going on at the moment, there’s some instances where people find it difficult to talk about mental health. Even to the point where you’re scared or unsure of what to say if you see someone who is struggling.

You don’t know what to say and if you do you don’t want to give them false information. I had one instance with my friend in school where she confided in me about her problems. She was in a very dark place at the time and I was the only person she talked to.

It was a lot for to handle at the time as I was only 13 years old at the time. I didn’t know what to do as I was still a child. It’s hard to open up but the confidant finds it difficult too. Someone has to listen as it’s the first thing to help the person who’s struggling. I did offer help and support and still do to anyone who needs it now.

The pressure was overwhelming at times but I would help them at the drop of a hat. Sometimes they don’t want answers or a quick fix, just listening to them can go a long way. The more we accept that it’s ok to help others and show concern, the quicker this stigma will be eliminated.

What sort of activities and techniques do you find helpful in difficult situations?

I enjoy the company of my friends. They’re my world and offer each other unconditional support. We treat each other equally and if any of us are feeling down, we’ll rally around them as a group and do something to lift their spirits.

Recently I was lying in bed, feeling a bit down and didn’t want to do anything. They turned up outside my house and told me to get ready. Next thing I know I’m in Cardiff Bay and on a ferris wheel. I felt fantastic and my spirits soared. Having them for company is massive boost to my wellbeing.

I feel like I can open up to each and every one of them. There’s 8 of us in the group, and I have a special individual bond with each one. They’d be there for me if I needed support and if it was a one to one chat they would keep it between us.

They also have individual strengths amongst them so I know who I would need to go to if I had a problem. It’s nice to have a lot of different personalities in order to help in difficult situations. Like in a film, there’s different roles where there’s “a sensitive one” or the “motherly/fatherly one”. It’s such a fantastic group where I blessed to have them in my life.

There’s nothing wrong in confiding in one particular friend because if they do care about you, they’d understand. We all have our individual strengths and if I wasn’t confided in, I’d understand. I’d be more concerned about the wellbeing of that particular friend. And that to be is what friendship is all about. Caring for each other and making sure as a group, we’re safe and well.

What would you say to someone who’s struggling and doesn’t know if talking about it is the right thing to do?

In regards to mental health, if you know you’re not ready to talk about your problems, it’s very difficult to find the strength in opening up. But if you find that it’s effecting your day to day life in bother a personal and professional capacity, you have to find a way of fighting back. By doing that, you have to reach out to talk to someone. There’s always someone who’s going to be there to talk to.

As you see on Facebook, you find genuine people posting status asking for people to talk to them if they need someone to talk to. There’s no limit on how much good that could do for a person who’s struggling. It’s a powerful message that even strangers are encouraging us and offering support.

The worst thing that can happen is that the person would go down a dark path and as a lot of cases show they may not be with us anymore. If you do talk to someone and accept the help on offer, there’s light at the end of the tunnel and it’s the start on the road to a healthier life.

There’s so much support out there. For men it’s harder to open up as it’s shown via the statistics. It’s hard for people from where we come from in the valleys to open up as well. You have men from strong backgrounds where they were brought up that there has to be a man of the house. Plus you have the stereotypical “rugby boys” who’re set in their ways who don’t talk about their feelings because it shows signs of weakness.

I know it’s harder for men but you have to take a leap of faith and reach out because you won’t regret it.

With body positivity, I now feel confident in myself and it took a lot for me to get to where I am. It takes a lot for me even now to post pictures where my figure is on show especially on Facebook. Recently I posted a picture of myself in a bikini as I’m trying them on ready for my holiday in Ibiza. I was more worried about posting it on Facebook because there’s more people I know on there from school etc.

The comments I had were all positive. In my head I expected criticism and negativity but through the resulting positivity it showed how far I’ve come in my journey. It took a lot to post it and if you’re in a similar situation, don’t feel you have to post it until you know you’re ready.

If your are ready, then you’ll find that not everyone is a troll and will offer support and positive comments. I’ve even had people up come to me and commend me for what I’ve done. It’s harder for a big girl or bloke to post pictures like that but it’s a good way of telling the negative people to fuck off. This is who I am and I’m happy to be me.

Building up the confidence has not been easy and although I have a loud personality and never been fully confident in myself. I still not 100% happy with myself and still on the journey to find happiness. I know it’s cliche but fuck the haters!

Knowing Bethan, the last sentence was a perfect way to end the conversation. She’s a fantastic person with such a positive attitude to life. Her approach to body positivity is very inspiring. As someone who’s struggled with weight issues the majority of my life, her social media posts and statuses have been a breath of fresh air.

Bethan focuses on the positives and doesn’t bow to any pressure from media and other factors. Like many of us, she still has her own individual struggles but finds the strength to bounce back and show solidarity against the negativity.

The support network she has proves that being open with those closest to you has no limit of positivity. It also shows that in times of struggle you will realise who you can count on in terms of friendship and Bethan’s inner circle give her and themselves the strength on a daily basis which is very commendable.

Thank you as always to all of you for taking time to have a read. Massive thanks goes to Bethan as well for taking the time to talk to me and go through some difficult points.

Like I said at the beginning, her body positivity posts on social media inspired me to write the ‘Image‘ piece and since then she keeps breaking new ground. She’s a fantastic advocate for body positivity and mental health and really am glad she’s on her way to a place of healthy mental wellbeing and self acceptance.

To everyone who’s read this post, take care, stay safe and until next time I guess I’ll see you later!

To say that the last few months have been crazy is a huge understatement. Our day to day lives whether it’s work, travel or socialising changed massively and sadly many people across the world either suffered with their health and in a lot of cases, tragically lost their lives.

Since March, the lockdown process which was enforced due to the COVID-19 pandemic has been an incredibly challenging process for all of us. As I’ve discussed on a previous post, I had my own personal struggles with the changes to my life in a personal and professional capacity.

I was placed on furlough leave from my job the day when lockdown was announced on March 24th. I also went long periods without seeing my friends, some family members and most importantly, my fiancée. In fact, we went 11 weeks without seeing each other.

The whole impact of lockdown definitely showed as I struggled with feelings of anxiety, especially when going exercising and passing people whilst I was out. The lack of a normal routine also had an effect on me. The normality of going to work, coming home and looking forward to enjoying myself on the days off I had on the weekend was now gone.

The first few days felt like when I book some leave in work but after a while I was craving the routine that I was now missing. That and not seeing my fiancée did give me many instances where I felt depressed and I even shed a few tears.

It felt like Groundhog Day, just the same things over and over again. I’d get up, have breakfast, watch TV, go for a walk and repeat. I still live at home and whilst my parents were working there were many times where I did feel very lonely. I’d read a book and try and keep myself occupied but it’s only lasts for so long.

Eventually as the weeks went by, some restrictions were eased and I was able to see my fiancée again. It was such a massive lift as I stayed with her for two weeks. The whole process has made me more determined to purchase a house and make a home of our own.

It’s a shame that some people did break the lockdown rules. I know it’s hard going through a long period without seeing a loved one, but it was for the greater good. We realised this and common sense kicked in straight away. I’m asthmatic and my fiancée’s father is diabetic so travelling to her home would have been a risk.

Looking back on it, I do think that the whole period made me stronger. During the first few weeks after the “holiday feeling” wore off, I was very self isolated and had too much negativity going on in my head. I’d watch the news and read the “fake news” about the virus online and it would instantly start off my anxiety.

They say anxiety is the “what if” disease and I couldn’t help but think of certain scenarios such as “what if I catch it?”, “are my loved ones going to be safe?” and “are we ever going to come out of this?”. As I’ve previously discussed, I now have the tools and self acceptance to know when I need to talk about my problems, also it was clear to my parents that I wasn’t myself and in bad moods a lot.

I’d speak to them about my negative thoughts and concerns and we agreed that the “scaremongering” and attitude by the media didn’t help. We stopped buying newspapers because they seemed more concerned about when the pubs reopened than the amount of people losing their lives due to the virus.

The only time I even looked at anything related to the news was when significant changes were made by the government to the lockdown restrictions. I made sure I read books, went for a walk and just tried to do things I knew which would take my mind away from all of the negativity. Another thing which I found helped me massively was writing this blog.

If anything, I’ve found it therapeutic. Just putting my thoughts and feelings out there is a massive lift to be honest. The fact that it resonates with so many people is a huge thing as well and was something I hoped it would do from the start. The reaction at first was a bit overwhelming but if it helps someone who is struggling to find a way to open up about their struggles and start a healthier path, then that’s all I want from it.

The amount of people who would come forward and message me inspired me to take the blog in a new direction. That would be using the blog in an interview type of format where I’d speak to them about their thoughts and experiences regarding mental health and other important topics.

Anyone who knows me will know I can have a conversation about a lot of things and can talk for hours on end, and the people I’ve spoken to have felt just like that. The thing I want from them is for it to feel like it’s an open chat, not an interview and I would like to think that I’ve achieved that.

It’s important to speak to people from all walks of life. So far I’ve spoken to Alicia who works for a mental health charity in PAPYRUS, Davzie who’s raised money for MIND, Carys who’s currently in university and there’s so many others with incredible stories to tell.

It’s also been a very educational process for me as well. Especially with the the way I approach things nowadays. It’s easy to say “think before you speak” but by actually doing it, I’ve found myself to be more careful, especially in difficult situations with mental health.

For example, if a friend is struggling, sometimes making light of the situation or telling a joke may not suit the circumstances and by simply just listening to them will do the world of good. By trying to cheer them up it may be perceived that you’re not taking them seriously and makes them feel worse. I’ve been in that position and it’s bloody awful.

“Sharing is caring” is another classic phrase that gets thrown around a lot but personally I’ve found that being open about my issues does help me. It may not be for everyone to do it on such a public platform and would prefer to keep within an inner circle of trusted people.

There were periods leading up to the first blog post being published where I was doubting myself yet again, wondering if people would make fun of me. It came to the point where I’d posted, deleted and reposted the blog many times until I posted it for the final time and left my phone in my room whilst I went downstairs to spend time with my family. It wasn’t until an hour or so later when I went back to my room where I found how much of a positive reaction it caused where I realised how it was a good decision to do this.

The whole writing process has helped me focus on certain things with a more clear mind so during the last week of June, I received a phone call which was a joy to hear. My boss had rang to say that it was safe and ready for me to return to work. It was a massive relief and a return to a routine and structure that I’d craved for weeks which turned into months.

The following Monday, I went back and although the environment of my work station had changed due to PPE and other health and safety precautions were now in place, it felt great to be back doing something productive. I also missed the camaraderie which I had with my colleagues. I hadn’t seen these people for 3 months and after a day or two, it was like I’d never been away.

All of the doubts that was in my head were now gone. Of course I still had a strong level of concern. Especially now that I had to wear a face mask on the train to and from work, as well as sanitise my hands and work desk multiple times every day. If anything it gave a sort of sense of responsibility. Especially when not only having my own health and safety to think about but those around me whether it was colleagues, friends or family.

It’s going to be a very long time before things will be 100% back to normal, but I do think that the Welsh Government have done things brilliantly in comparison to Boris Johnson and the majority of the decisions that have been made in England. It’s easy to say that you miss the pub but it’s down to safety and the health of people, just have a drink in the house.

Even now that the pubs are back open, I’ve only been to a beer garden once with friends and even then we realised we’d have preferred being in a garden having a BBQ instead. The whole process has helped me appreciate the people around me even more than I already did and that you don’t have to compensate for the environment you spend time with them entirely within a pub.

Again it’s an each to their own sort of thing and I’m not saying that I’ll stop going out to pubs but especially at this time of year being the summer, there’s so many other great ways to enjoy yourself. Same goes for going for a walk. Before lockdown, a lot of the time I’d come home from work, have food and just lie down. Now I go for a walk instead of lying down.

I go for about half an hour whilst listening to music or a podcast and it’s a great way of releasing those endorphins, thus giving me a positive mindset so I’m not overthinking and can just relax when I get home. I know it’s a much more positive way to end the day than dwell on the negatives in an isolated environment. I hate just sitting there alone with my thoughts. I did so much of it before and it wasn’t healthy so I’ll be damned if I do it again.

Of course, not all of us have come out of the lockdown period in the same way. Many are still struggling mentally and physically with the aspects of this awful pandemic. Lots of people have lost their lives and thousands of medical staff in the NHS and care homes have risked their own health and safety to help those who needed it the most.

I said it in the previous post that whether you’re a nurse, doctor, carer or anyone else within that type of working environment, you’ve been the true heroes and you do deserve pay rises which are long overdue. My Dad is a carer who unfortunately had to spends two weeks of isolation in the care home due to a suspected case of COVID-19.

Thankfully all tests came back negative when the period ended but you could see when he returned home that the entire time did effect him. Thankfully he did keep speaking to us and kept focused on the end goal that everything was going to be fine in the end and that he would come home to where he belongs.

Thank you once again if you’ve taken the time out of your day to read this. Better days are gradually coming back and it’s essential that we use common sense, so it’ll be a healthier environment for everyone.

Remember that if you are struggling, there are plenty of people who care whether it’s friends, family or those in a professional capacity. And if you feel that someone you know is being quieter than usual, drop them a message. The results of just showing you care with a little message like that will go a long way.

Stay safe, take care and until next time, I’ll see you later!

One thing of which I’ve aimed to do with the last few blog posts is not treat them as “interviews” but a proper, in depth chat. I feel like I’ve achieved that with the people I’ve spoken to who have their own individual stories to tell.

There is however one thing they all have in common, they all have found the necessary courage to firstly seek help when they needed it the most and secondly find the strength to open up and talk about their experiences.

The person I’ve spoken to this week definitely falls under both these factors. I’ve known Ross for the best part of 10 years and his journey has been nothing short of inspirational. Only until a year ago, I thought of him as a confident person with nothing that could faze him. But like many of us, Ross was fighting his own battles.

You’ve spoken about how difficult environments can have a major impact on a person’s mental wellbeing. Why do you think that is?

There are many different environments as we all know, whether it’s at home, school work etc and they all have different effects on us. If those environments are toxic often they will have an impact upon people’s mental health. Toxic environments will very often facilitate “drama triangles”

Within drama triangles there are 3 different protagonists, A) the persecutor, who will use blame, shame, guilt and project those feelings on to B) the victim. Who often internalises these emotions and feels victimised by the intended persecutor. The final part of the triangle is C) The rescuer. They feel obliged to help the victim, offer support and guidance in whatever way because it makes them feel good or they feel the need to be seen for doing good things.

The drama triangle is very much linked to the “trauma triangle”. Event/behaviour, trigger and re-experiencing. Re-experiencing situations can be traumatic for us. In toxic environments often these drama/trauma triangles are pretty much relentless. They keep going on and are very hard to get out of.

In a positive environment, the triangles tend to be “empowerment triangles” or coaching triangle where the roles are learner, facilitator and teacher.

I would also like to bring forward the “Power Threat Meaning” framework. It’s a new outlook on mental health which has been studied by many different psychologists. What they find is that there is a culture of over-diagnosis and misdiagnosis. So they could just say, this is what’s wrong with this person and send them on their way without taking time to properly study the person and understand their issues. I

It’s trying to slow down these over/misdiagnoses and also promote that people will adopt survival strategies when they’re going through difficult experiences and situations.

For me, I had a really good upbringing with a strong family background. I did have some problems in Primary School with bullying and I managed to get through it. You also sadly go through other bad experiences such as losing family members.

It’s a very tough thing to go through as a child but as you get older, you pick up things to adapt and eventually overcome these difficult situations. The power threat meaning framework identifies that from these sort of experiences you pick up so called survival techniques. It could be anything such as flight, fright, flop and freeze for you to adopt as your survival strategy. it’s all about how you manged to survive experiences where there was a negative operation of power. When someone is abusing their power (employer, teacher, partner etc), the survival techniques kick in to help you cope against this negative factor.

How did you find that all of these factors had an impact on you?

The hardest part was adjusting to a change from a positive to a toxic environment. Of course, you don’t know it’s going to be that way when you arrive and I had a bit of a gut feeling telling me ‘is this really right for me?”. But I saw opportunities to develop my career and eventually ended up moving into this environment.

I settled in after the first few weeks but then I gradually started to notice certain behaviours around me which didn’t sit right with me. I would start to recognise drama triangles and political battles were occurring around me. You try and stay away but often you get dragged in. My mentality was to take a step back, not get involved and try to concentrate on my work.

At this time, a huge factor for me was to support my partner. Her workplace is rewarding but extremely busy, conflict, chaotic and traumatic experiences are a regular occurrence. I moved into the new environment because I wanted day hours so I could be around her more and support her new career.

All of a sudden, we would both carry the burden of that workload into the house. In my case, the little bits of behaviour around me that was winding me up, I would carry into the house as well and as a result it would have an impact on our relationship. We’d be shorter with each other and because we had so much baggage from our professional lives we found we couldn’t fully support each other. So that just makes it harder even more frustrating.

It got a bit worse for us as we had a bit of a breakdown in the relationship and it was a case of us being determined to overcome this. All couples have their tough times but we were trying to work things out, however the stress from home made me less tolerant of the negative and difficult behaviours I would see at work.

What I started to realise was that I’d start to imitate those negative behaviours and was getting dragged into those drama triangles. Because it was common-place in that environment people didn’t seem to notice. I knew this wasn’t who I was but I would be shorter with people and far more assertive and authoritative. Which was not my style but it was my only way of stopping that transference of negative emotion and behaviours.

I would turn around and tell someone no and that I’m not having any of that. They’d reply with that I’m being unreasonable so I would argue that they’ve taken one step too far. That sort of behaviour was very unlike me and previously I’d try and calmly discuss the situation instead of arguing.

Obviously, I recognised my behaviour and had to let line management know that other factors were affecting me, including writing out an email how certain behaviours and ways of working were affecting my mental health. However, The triangles were everywhere, I was told that I just didn’t want to my job and I needed to accept where I was. My line manager who I trusted then fell sick and was off for a while. While my line manager was off I was brought in by the next in line of the hierarchy I was told that I was making excuses, then insinuated that my colleagues didn’t like me as they had complained about me and he wasn’t sure if I was bone idle or a born inspiration. I offered to run training to help with the behaviours but was told wasn’t my job and that I didn’t want this job just the next one I just wanted the next. I was then assigned a hefty piece of additional work on top of my current workload. So bare in mind that I’d opened up about my mental health and asked for support a lot of this floored me.

I tried to reach out and I’d encourage anyone to do so as when you realise you’re falling into that bad place, you have to talk to someone about it, but unfortunately I did to the wrong person. Over the years my learned survival strategy was to stand up or speak out and I tried to do so in what I thought was a positive way by sharing my learning through writing. But again, in a toxic environment people take things the wrong way, misunderstand and misinterpret what you’re saying. As I began to process a lot of what had been said, I began to feel angry and I became further intolerant of the negative behaviours around me.

I’d try and stay out of the drama triangles but I couldn’t help but be sucked into them. With the personal struggles I was going through I recognised that I started going down a negative thinking cycle and when I look back was I stuck in a drama cycle between colleagues and management. Reflecting on the situation, I recognise there appeared to be a lot of manipulative behaviour. Asking for help leaves you vulnerable to this, but I was struggling and had to have faith that talking to someone would work.

I would start to have sly digs from colleagues and other people, things suggesting I thought that I was better than others etc. I’ve always been a confident guy because and wasn’t going to let things like this to get me down. However, the things that were said to me played on my mind, paranoia started to creep in and I didn’t want to drag others into it but they would be. Even though I thought it was unfair I reflected on what I was told and tried to make more of an effort with colleagues and began to overwork myself to prove that I wasn’t bone idle and valuable to the team. A meeting then occurred where I felt I was ridiculed in front of customers. At that point I went into survival mode because I reached the end of my tether, my window of tolerance completely disintegrated.

I’d been called names, made fun of and in turn I had lost faith and trust in those within that environment. My survival mechanism was to speak out so I did, I spoke out about the things that had gone on, openly criticized those displaying that behaviour and I put one or two things on social media which I was really disappointed with myself. it was because I was in a bad place I wasn’t thinking straight, I recognise people could have interpreted that wrongly and it may have impacted on their behaviour towards me. t became so bad that I would listen to heavy music on full volume to pump myself to go to into that environment because I knew it would be a tough slog. Pearl Jam was my favourite listening at the time!

I finished the extra work and started to feel a bit more valuable, but my by now my trust and faith was gone, I started to close my-self off from people because I didn’t want anything I said to be misinterpreted. I was told that anything I said would or did got back to management. I then had my one to one with the person who called me in, it was evident that these drama triangles were real, I was told words that will echo with me forever, that basically there was something was wrong with me, before stating that he always gets what he wants And that giving me that extra piece of work would pretty much be the only thing that saves me.

I was gobsmacked but again not surprised having recognised the battles and drama triangles. When I got home all I could think about is what he said to me. Was I going to get the sack? There were so many doubts in my head, I knew I was struggling but all these behaviours just kept reinforcing the paranoia that crept in.

I was trying to remain positive and thought I could shrug it off but I was stuck with intrusive and involuntary thoughts. I was up all night overthinking so I came to the conclusion that going into work early was a good idea as some people where still off on sick or holidays. My next mistake was that I bought a litre of Red Bull so I went in at 7am, an hour and half early. I’d had no food, less than an hours sleep and was drinking a litre of energy drink.

I had a phone call from a colleague who was in a massive panic on her way into work. This was over a dying animal, I tried to help but and then realised it was out of my control before bluntly walking away. I returned to the office, awash with panic, and a vast amount of emotions trying to process everything. I recognised that I was unwell and recognised my part in the drama triangles jumping between all three roles.I recognised that I had become rescuer/persecutor and then it dawned on me that yesterdays one to one the person was acting as my persecutor and rescuer. My brain was racing. I was mentally exhausted but my brain was running on energy drink and redbull definitely gives you wings! I stood up and shouted for help. When you’re stressed out in that situation your body and brain shuts down, you look for help and people try to help and but they also want instant answers, which you can’t give because your in and out of consciousness and still processing everything.

The French call Anxiety the What if disease, and what went through my mind was the relentless cycle of “what if” scenarios. All of this came over me like a rush and it overwhelmed me. I was in a mass panic. I thought I hurt other people as I felt that I had imitated the behaviour and become the persecutor. The impact of the stress on my brain made me overthink things like ‘what if my line manager is off sick because of me, what if the impact of my stress has caused my line manager to take their own life. However, it didn’t come out like that. I kept saying in mass panic “I’ve killed my line manager.”

I literally didn’t who I was. I had a crisis of identity, I thought I was the people I recognised as persecutors because I began to imitate that behaviours. The behaviours which I believe lead to this moment and partly caused this episode. It got worse, I thought I’d killed my partner because of the breakdown in our relationship and my old butty ‘anxiety and what if? Was telling me what if she committed suicide because of the impact of my stress.and behaviour.

This outburst was a cry for help but also because I felt trapped. I was taken to hospital but it doesn’t get better because they put you in a room and they question you, they want instant answers and my brain was like a rocket with my words about four day behind. I didn’t know where I was but when they were asking me the questions I kept bringing up events from my past. It was a massive cycle of what ifs the key thing processing threat of the what if I’m not strong enough to support and look after my family. I wasn’t anywhere near thinking straight so coherent and clear answers were a long way off.

They were asking me if I felt suicidal and of course I felt fucking suicidal.
I was giving them answers from the back of my mind like a random scene selection, like a puzzle where your just throwing random pieces. I was in and out of consciousness.

I recognise now that the the bottom line of my breakdown was that I had internalised guilt, blame, shame was experiencing anger, disappointed, grief, sadness all in one. I was dealing with a fear of abandonment and the reality of it was I needed physical and psychological safety, I needed my family. I found out Maslows hierarchy of needs is without doubt real and many of our behaviours are driven by the need for physical and psychological safety.

My family hadn’t been contacted until I was on the way or at the hospital. If my family was in the room with me they’d have been able to help to recognise some of the pieces/secnes I was saying and maybe gained some substance and clarity with my answers because I was in no clear state on my own. Also, the person who took me over there was my colleague who went into panic that morning and I think my unconscious mind knew there was a lack of trust there from the things that had been said previously so I was unable to be fully truthful and didn’t want to facilitated further triangles.

It was absolute nuts, surreal, frightening and one of the most horrible experiences of my life. But when you have a breakdown, your family and friend the people who know the real you and who know you better are able to help you recover find yourself again.

How did the recovery process help you reflect and understand your personal struggles?

I spent 4 days at Royal Glamorgan Hospital under the care of the crisis team in the mental health unit and 2 weeks under the crisis team at home. When you’re in there, you’re surrounded by constant drama with people who’re in similar or worse situations, lots of the people had experienced trauma so it was a very difficult process. I realised what I said but knew I couldn’t take it any of it back, even if most of it was a load of crap.

There’d be times where I thought I was hearing things, because I was listening to Pearl Jam a lot, I thought I could hear them in my head but it was the guy in the next room playing it. I just kept thinking I was crazy. There’d be some moments of strength where I’d feel rested and of course I’d be on some medication to help me challenge it.Luckily I tell my family everything so when the dr’s thought I was talking crap those who knew me knew what I was on about. During those 4 days I come round and opened up about the whole situation and what was really bothering me, but even then I was still reluctant to fully talk because the paranoia made me feel like I was being watched. A lot of it was letting go of things beyond my control.

I got home and focused on things like my relationship with my partner and like before my breakdown, things were going really well. We were thinking about trying for a baby, we now have a beautiful baby, we went on holidays and it was a fantastic time to recover.

The short dose of tablets did wonders and I had some great advice from my doctor who told me that if I was struggling I’d have to make a change and to walk away from the things that made me unhappy. At this point I was starting to analyse my breakdown. The two weeks before it, I graduated from university, I stopped my exercise, stopped playing football all of these were coping mechanisms which went out of the window. I stopped talking to people like friends and family because I felt like I was creating drama triangles and I was becoming a burden. I was isolating myself and when I reflected on this with my counsellor we found that I really struggled to cope without my family.

When I was in the hospital, I realised that not everyone will have that family connection so that was a massive thing for me, the support they gave me was unbelievable.

As I recovered I went back to the environment , during my welfare interview I tried my hardest not to blame anybody as I recognised my own part in the triangles but you also have to say your peace otherwise it would eat you up. I still believe that the people in that environment were good people and they were just caught up in these triangles.

One thing that they did mention in the meeting which got to me was that they implied that my family didn’t care about me, this wasn’t the case at all. It seemed to restart a drama triangle and I began to re-experiencing everything. Later on because I appeared to not be myself again I had an advocate given to me as he was there for my breakdown, he pulled me in reminded me that my breakdown was all about my issues and that he googled my tablets and told me that they were for people bipolar etc. I felt like I was being labelled, people have their own biases and I felt like a diagnosis was being put on me. I don’t blame people, mental health is so complex it’s sometimes easier to understand and rationalise.

So once again was in this triangle but I was determined not play any role, but when people want answers it’s so hard. So again I shutdown from communicating with people only using yes or no’s. Not long after that I was medically suspended from work. I felt as if a narrative was being pushed on me, confirmation bias is where someone uses their bias to fit a theory and I felt that’s what was happening. I never returned to that environment and I feel all the better for it.

I read Tyson Fury’s autobiography after Christmas and he speaks about how he was rushed to hospital similarly to me thinking people were out to hurt him, the doctors put it down as a panic attack. This gave me comfort and helped me realise that this can happen to anyone. Sometimes a series of unfortunate events which will impact on our mental health massively, the perfect storms that cause our ships to topple, in the end all we want is what we care for the most, for my it was family. I cried out for help and I’m so glad that I got it. Even if it got worse before it got better.

How difficult did you find it in talking to someone?

For me, I’ve never really found it difficult in talking to someone. I do find it as a form of therapy. However, I do find in myself at noticing issues with my mental health and being honest with myself.

The thing that was difficult for me was when I spoke up, I wasn’t believed. Going back to being told I was bone idle and full bullshit excuses etc. It was that lack of empathy that led me to become angry and go down a much darker path and unfortunately spiral deeper.

I know lots of people find it difficult in opening up and my advice would be that to make sure that it’s a trusting environment and that if you do speak up, you did with someone you trust who will support you. There are loads of good people out there.

Why do you think there is a stigma associated and in particular men’s mental health?

Mental health is a minefield and it’s so difficult to understand, you could look at culture and tradition. We’ve both been brought up in Valleys towns and going over the years the men would go off to work and be expected to look after their families. They’d be the main breadwinners and now things are changing for the better in terms of equality.

There’s still this expectancy that you have be strong and not show any weakness. Now in my case, I feel I have to show strength as I’m now a father and have a family to look after. This isn’t just in particular for men, it’s the same for women and with groups who’ve experienced disadvantage. Look at the Black Lives Matter movement. Statistics show that people from BAME communities will be more likely to develop issues with their mental wellbeing, surely this isn’t a coincidence and it’s often the impact of prejudice, discrimination and oppression.

The same goes for a person from a disadvantaged background compared to a wealthy one. We talk about mental health being non-discriminatory, but in some ways it is. There’s a lot there to think about and it’s mainly linked into generational and historical aspects as men didn’t speak out in the past because they may have been labelled as weak.

You also have the other side of the coin where you have expectations put in your head by others who’d say things like “you cant have mental health issues. You have a good job, a decent car on the drive, you’ve got everything” and It most certainly doesn’t work like that either.

We’ve made some massive steps but expectations on what a man should be are still entrenched with our communities and being open sometimes can be shown as a weakness and show yourself as an outcast in some ways. Some aspects are more difficult for men to let go of than others but it is gradually changing.

What do you wish was more well known about mental health?

I wish that the Power Threat Meaning framework of which I’ve previously discussed was more well known. As people we’re complex systems and have adaptable ways to survive. The framework is pivotal in showing that.

It’s easy for people to talk about being non judgmental and not to label others. A lot of the time, people do it without realising it and I think it’s still a big problem that needs addressing. There’s a certain state of circumstances that could effect someone and we need to be aware of that.

After everything that happened with me, I kind of flipped the narrative, the narrative being driven on me was that I wasn’t resilient enough to cope with all things I was doing. But I understand that those struggling with mental health are often the most resilient among us and it’s often because of the difficulties people face in life. It’s not about being weak or attention seeking.

Be careful of stereotypes and the stigma. Being less judgmental and thinking of the Power Threat Meaning will help a lot of us understand the circumstances a lot more.

You’ve always come across as confident when it comes to your singing. What changes did you notice following the events which occurred?

Before my breakdown I joined a choir which I found was really helping me. It was a great environment and singing has been proven to have high positive effects on mental health. Actually when I come out of hospital we were in a competition so it gave me something to push myself towards which i also enjoyed.

I’ve been my own worst enemy in terms of self criticism and since I’ve been easier on myself since. Whilst before I could be a bit of an all or nothing kind of thinker. You realise after a breakdown that nobody can take your achievements away from you and you should be proud.

In the past, singing whether it’s a choir or band was a coping mechanism. When you’re not doing the things you enjoy, it has a negative effect on you.

Looking back on my old lyrics and seeing the topics I wrote about such as racism, self harm and other issues, challenging stigmas and problems seems to have been a recurrent theme in my music. I even reflected on my own personal struggles and even though some lyrics were extreme and morbid, it was a coping mechanism and a way of managing emotions.

Obviously, life has changed for now and I’d be happy to get up and sing again. When I’m ready to, I will and I’ll have to confidence and self-belief to do it.

What sort of techniques and activities help you in difficult situations?

Different things work for different people. Exercise helps me massively as does just relaxing by watching a film, TV show or reading a book. It’s not about avoiding your problems but easing your mind and causing the overthinking to ease so you can relax and do something you enjoy.

Obviously, we’ve been in lockdown and i haven’t been able to play football but that is something I find that helps me as well as riding the bike. It’s about getting yourself up and about whilst enjoying it at the same time. Once you’ve had the experience, you learn about all these things and how it benefits you physically and mentally.

When I started isolating myself, I stopped doing things I enjoy and it does have a more negative effect on you. I felt I disassociated myself from the stuff I loved doing and pretty much hated my life. It’s all about bouncing back, I remember playing one game in pre season and it felt like an out of body experience. The old saying is that you’re 3 yards off the pace but I felt like I was on a different planet. Thankfully I’m in a much better place, I’m enjoying myself and back picking up yellow cards for being a terrible footballer again.

Tying into that, you’re back playing football and you’ve done a triathlon. When you’re back in a routine of a training regime, how does it benefit you?

When you’re struggling with stuff, you’ll have a build-up of anger, sadness and other negative thoughts and feelings. You don’t know what to do and become overwhelmed with emotion. Doing these exercises means you can channel these emotions into something positive. You can get on a field and be aggressive without losing control and have banter with teammates.

I’m passionate in everything I do, and when you do these exercises you use the passion and extra energy for good. Plus at the end of it you’re more likely to be more tired and won’t lie in bed overthinking. It’s a positive cycle of managing things. Exercise is proven to do positive things in releasing the endorphins. It’s such a good cycle.

When I went through a phase where I wasn’t exercising it had the opposite effect. So now I realize that I can be positively exhausted in a mental and physical way. It’s true when they say it’s as good for the mind as it is for the legs.

To finish up, what would you say to someone who is struggling and doesn’t know if talking about it is the right thing to do?

My honest answer is that taking about it is the absolute right thing to do. You’ve got to be brave and ask for help and identify what you need help with. Do it in an environment where you trust and won’t be judged with people who will replace negativity with positivity.

I’d like to flip it a bit where it’s aimed at the people on the other end. I advise that if it’s a professional capacity like the workplace, support them and have things in place which can help them support better. It’s the three key things, empathy, understanding and positivity.. Listen to what they’re saying instead of picking certain things. Context is key and in my experience I was still processing a lot of bad thoughts because I wasn’t being listened to.

Speak up, go to someone you trust where you feel comfortable. Once you do that, the positive results that will follow are endless and will help you in so many ways.

I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t find my conversation with Ross emotional. Even whilst reading over the conversation to type it up for the blog, I was genuinely moved by his story. To be in such a difficult circumstances would have a negative effect on a lot of people, but Ross did find the strength at determination to bounce back and he’s never looked back.

I’m so happy that he and his partner now have a beautiful baby. Ross is also still very much active with his exercise and is looking into renewing his singing activities again. I have no doubt that the good times will keep coming his way as he’s such a good guy and one of the most positive and thoughtful people I know.

Massive thanks once again to those who’ve read this week’s post. If you can relate to Ross’ story, I hope like him you find the strength to realise you’re better than those who’re holding you down and people appreciate you for who you are.

There are some links below related to the Power Threat Meaning and drama triangles topics which have been covered in this post incase people would like to read more information about them.

Please stay safe, take care and until next time, I’ll see you later!

The Triangle of Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor – What It Is and How to Get Out.

Click to access PTM%20Overview.pdf

Since I began writing this blog, the aim has been to promote that mental health needs to continue in being a huge talking point as it’s just as important as physical health. Also, I wanted to show that anyone can have their own struggles, no matter what way of life you lead and that it’s ok to accept that we need help.

With the recent move I’ve taken in interviewing other people who’re sharing their experiences, I’m finding that I’m learning a lot from each person I speak to. This can most definitely be said for Carys Wigley.

Carys is currently studying a masters degree in Archeological Science at Cardiff University. She sat down for a chat via Zoom where she opened up on a number of factors of which influences her mental wellbeing on both positive and negative means such as body positivity and student life.

What do you feel is most misunderstood about student life?

Myself and lots of other students have been labelled with the criticism and opinion that we spend 3 years or more partying and that the taxpaying public funds it. It’s also widely believed that we’ll just easily get a job at the end of our studies. At the end of the day, this couldn’t be further from the truth.

We go to university to better ourselves in order to eventually work in a job that we feel very passionately about. Granted, there are a number of people who come out of uni and manage to get the job they want, but there are a huge number of graduates who struggle to find roles in their respective fields.

At the moment, I’m looking for jobs involving Archeological Science and even though I have a degree, I struggle to just even get an interview. So it’s not as easy as some people make out, it’s a hard struggle.

I’ve grown up in a hard working household. I have two younger sisters so my parents couldn’t afford to cover the whole of my tuition so I was granted for a loan via student finance. The money I had through that I had to live on, and eventually I realised I had to get a job.

It also needs to be known on a wider scale that you can’t just live off your student loan especially if you’re living in halls or house sharing. I struggled to pay my rent, I’m living in a big city and was never taught of how to manage money properly. You see that you have £2000 in your account and in 2 months, it’s been spent.

You don’t know to handle that sort of money if you’ve never seen it before. I’ve worked since I was 16 but still never had that much in my account. And initially during events like Freshers Week you will spend a lot of it but in time you do learn the hard way and I can most definitely say that I did.

Not everyone will have financial support from their families so you will have to get a job. There are a number of employers who simply don’t care that you’re studying and that can have a massive impact because you have to juggle my university work and shift patterns which interfere and harm my studies.

It’s hard finding time to juggle everything. You’d be spending 5 days a week in uni as well as working long shifts and it does get to you. For example, during the first year of my masters, I was working at Pie Minister and they’d want to work pretty much right after my lectures would finish. I would have the best part of an hour to get ready in order to get to work on time.

It takes a lot of mental strength to get though that, especially when it’s pretty much all year round. I’d go from being in the lab all day learning all the different names that each bone has and constantly studying to then going into work as a waitress where I’d have to stay alert and concentrate even more.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have friends who are in a position where their families can support them financially but they are in fact the minority of students whilst we’re the majority. I have no problem with them at all but we’re being stereotyped that we just sail through university when it’s completely the opposite.

What sort of pressures go unnoticed and aren’t talked about regarding university life?

There’s a strong mentality with students similar to a lot of people where they don’t speak up about their battles with mental health. Sadly a lot of people are doubted over the legitimacy of their problems if they do speak out. Like they’re accused of just “doing it for attention” or trying to get a deadline extension.

From personal experiences, whether I’ve had personal and/or health issues, I’ve had a couple of weeks added onto my essay and I’ve given legitimate reasons. Sadly, you do get people who misuse this trust from the university and do quite simply “take the piss”. One person I know literally googled symptoms of chronic migraines, went to the doctor who then diagnosed him with stress induced migraines. As a result, he had 2 weeks extra on his deadline whilst he was still out with us when we had to hand our work in on time.

At the end of the day, if someone does have extenuating circumstances like physical or mental health, some people will just assume they’re putting it on to get some extra time or a free pass. It’s a shame because that’s how stigmas and self denial can form when someone has perfectly legitimate reasons but feels they can’t speak up because they’re afraid they’ll get judged or ridiculed.

I think as a whole, we need a lot more tolerance and acceptance with mental health. When I speak to my mother she’s still in the generational mindset where there is a huge stigma surrounding openness about mental wellbeing. With young people, especially my sisters it’s a lot more open but there’s so much more we can do. Talking about it crucial.

University is to me in many ways a carry on from school. I think female students can feel less pressured to open up whilst with the male population, it’s a lot harder. With the rugby and cricket teams, there’s still a lot of the “lad culture” and they don’t talk about their issues out the fear of letting down their peers. If you spoke to men who’ve been to uni, they’ve had a lot harder time opening up compared to myself and a lot of other female students I know.

Lad culture for me is a very toxic environment. Cardiff did try to ban the culture on night outs. The main sports night on a Wednesday used to be named “Lash” but they changed it because they deemed it unacceptable because it promoted lad culture and binge drinking. It didn’t really work because we still kept calling it by the original name and binge drinking was still common.

How do you stop lad culture? You do see so many examples of times where someone is ridiculed or made an example of for the sake of a few laughs. The university are trying to stop initiations which I think is a good thing because they must cause a lot of anxiety in a lot of people. Some people do have the self confidence to do a humiliating task like they do in these things but I know I’d hate to do and so many other people would feel the same.

You’re very open and honest on social media about topics such as Black Lives Matters, body positivity and LGBTQ+. What inspired you to speak out about them?

It was around 2016 that I came across an artist named Florence Given. She’s a feminist who promotes positivity and encourages us to just be ourselves and be the best we can be. She spoke to me on so many levels and I picked out that she mentioned that a lot of white feminists do exclude black women.

She spoke out very strongly about this and inspired me to be more accepting to other cultures. A huge part of that to me was music. During my second year of university I came across Stormzy which introduced me to the grime music scene. I’d never heard of this type of stuff before and a lot of the lyrics do raise awareness of the issues going on at the moment.

Especially with Black Lives Matter, the music educated me on issues like this through the lyrics which explains the struggles black people go through. As for me, I come from Aberdare which is a small town so these types of issues have never effected me personally. I think it made me think that back home racism isn’t a major issue, it’s laughed off or “banter” if anything.

Now that I live in a city, I can openly and honestly say it’s educated me a lot more in terms of political correctness and tolerance. At the beginning I would be corrected because it wasn’t the correct terminology. Firstly, I was shocked because I had no idea and felt so bad that these things were not acceptable to say. It wasn’t known to me, you’re brought up and never questioned on it by my parents. That once again goes back to a generational thing.

I realised as a result that just by the littlest of things that I say, how could my actions effect other people’s feelings? Since coming to uni, I now have more friends of many different backgrounds whether they’re black, white or part of the LGBTQ+ community. There’s so many things that I’ve learned and educated myself on just by having these friends and I’m so grateful for having them in my life because it has made me a better person.

I met people who introduced me to things like trans rights. I have a friend who is transgender and they’ve taught me so much. I think it’s about being the best person you can be and to help others. People can assume the worst and don’t use the relevant pronouns like if a person prefers to go by “them” or “they. A lot of people in the Valleys have never met anyone who’s asked to be called by that but still have a sort of anger about it.

To me, there shouldn’t be a problem about it. It’s not skin off my nose and if a person wants to go by that pronoun, fair play to them and I totally respect that. It has no bearing on my life and they’re going through a lot just by finding the courage to be open about being transgender so I wish we was a lot more tolerant about it.

For the majority of my time in secondary school up to about the age of 17, I was a size 6. I met my boyfriend Lewis when I was 15 and when I would go to his house, his mother would feed me the same size portions and we’d go out for food, I’d order the same as him a lot of the time. I did put on a fair amount of weight and I went to a size 12.

From that point, I did notice a difference of how people are treated differently for being judged for their size. There is a thin privilege and I noticed that at size 6. Granted, there’s a lot of girls in a size 12 and there’s no problem with that at all. But why are we judged for the size of clothes that we wear? I am now a size 14 and I feel self conscious at times when I’m out eating. I feel that people are judging me on my size and I really do hate that feeling.

There’s a girl I know called Gina who lives in Manchester who I talk sometimes who’s so honest and influential. She speaks and writes about how shit beauty standards are and the community around it. For example, she and a lot of people are calling out sustainable fashion.

For those who don’t know, fast fashion is where designs will flow from the catwalk quickly to retail to capture the current trends. There’s a lot of issues surrounding the workers and their pay and people are calling for them to make sustainable clothing. That’s fine but there’s hardly any sustainable clothes for plus size women. Like if you went to a charity shop and there’s nothing you can wear.

I’ve learned so much from Gina’s posts and can’t believe how much people are judged just for size. There’s showing concern in regards to health and then there’s just being horrible to someone. There’s a huge culture on Instagram where girls have had lots of cosmetic surgery and use filters which creates an unrealistic standard. A lot of these girls do work out hard and want the surgery but I feel it promotes a very unhealthy body image which effects us physically and mentally.

I myself have nearly fallen into that trap. I would look at some of these girls and wish that I was skinny and feel like none of my clothes fit me. I think the only way to overcome this is by being open. You have women posing in certain angles and contorting their bodies to just get one roll on their body. It’s fine if you don’t have any, some girls are naturally skinny so don’t feel pressured that don’t have to be. There’s a stigma on both ends of the spectrum.

You’re relatable to girls with your body type, don’t cause harm to yourself by trying to fit in with other people. It’s easy to say this but accept yourself for who you are, don’t feel pressured and make your own decisions.
We make mistakes as humans, it’s in our nature but we can learn from them. One setback can be the making of us in educating ourselves to be better, more accepting and tolerant. It’s worked for me and I’m sure so many more can do the same.

What do you wish was more well known about mental health?

I wish it was known that you could be “normal” and still have a problem with mental health. You don’t have to be an uncontrollable so called lunatic, it’s perfectly fine. I explain this to my mother all the time.
She doesn’t admit her problems but she has them, I have them and so many other people do. That doesn’t mean that someone is going to lock me away, it just means my wellbeing isn’t the best and I need some help. It’s two different things with a huge line between them.

You can go to doctors who’ll give medication and talk to you but I think that’s where people start to get scared. There’s a massive stigma around that but all you need to do is be honest with yourself and you will see the results.

None of us are perfect and we do have our own individual battles. There’s no shame in asking for help and definitely none in accepting it either.

Is there anything that you would like to share from your own experiences with mental health?

I think that from a personal point of view, mental health will always be up and down. I don’t think there will be a sustained period where I don’t have any problems. There are days where I feel so much happier, positive and I’m on cloud 9, but there’s days where I feel like I’m at my lowest.

I’ve never taken any medication for my problems. I’ve sort of helped myself with other remedies but looking back maybe I should have. There for days, weeks and months where I would be in such a bad place and perhaps I should have gone to the doctor.

Medication gets such a bad rep as well and it shouldn’t. A number of my friends have taken them and although some find it didn’t help them, many did find they made a positive difference. I’ve always believed that you should try things, make your own judgement and not be influenced by others. Medication could work for you and you won’t know unless you try it. There’s no shame in taking medication because they’re subscribed for you. Just the same as a pair of glasses from the optician.

I felt that when Lewis was with me during lockdown, it took time to get used to it. Even though we’ve been together for the best part of a decade, we’ve never lived together. Apart from music festivals and holidays we don’t see each other for more than 3 days a week. It felt like a big step in a good way.

At the time I wasn’t working whilst he was, travelling every day. I kind of took up the housewife role which doesn’t suit me (laughs). That was a struggle to get used to but in the end I did get used to it and found it benefitted me by having a daily routine.

I’d get up at 8, make breakfast, have a coffee, put the washing load on, clean, go for a walk and then make food for when Lewis came home. I found it was a benefit because it gave me things to do instead of being on my own all day and I would look forward to seeing him come home. Having someone to talk to in person was a massive lift as well.

My housemate Jake is now back and Lewis has gone home to his parents. Even though I love Jake to bits, that routine has pretty much gone out of the window. It’s made me spiral a bit and there’s days where I don’t want to get out of bed. Even though I realise what’s going on around me, I just can’t snap out of it which is so frustrating.

Periods like that do tend to last a week and being stuck in the house is very draining. It’s a tough time and a lot of people have a form of anxiety about it. When the pubs open, it will be a big thing for me. I feel it’s too early and I’ve relayed my fears to my parents. I just think it’s an awful time but thankfully not many pubs in Aberdare have many beer gardens. I do appreciate that people have businesses and jobs but health and safety is essential.

Cardiff will be more difficult and people will travel so I know I’ll have to stay in. I’ll be in a better frame of mind. I just hope people use their heads and don’t go crazy like we’ve seen in England because there is still a pandemic going on and we need to be safe.

What sort of methods and exercises do you use to help you in stressful/anxious situations?

I used to suffer from anxiety attacks and of all places, I’d have them whilst lying in bed. It’s the worst place because it’s supposed to be one of the safest places to be. So many negative thoughts would run through my mind like I’m not going to wake up and that was one of my biggest anxieties.

To help me, the first thing I’d do is count to ten and slowly try and breathe in and out whilst I was counting. I would also tell myself that “this isn’t real” and that I was going to be ok. Even though it is a real sense of anxiety, I would calm myself down by doing this.

I think that for anxiety, my biggest issue is going out. I pretty much have to push myself out of the door and once I’m out there I feel a lot better. It’s just the whole concept of leaving the house which effects me.

I do find that yoga and breathing exercises really helps me. I honestly think that exercise does help with depression and it pumps you up but with yoga it really does calm you. The breathing is also a massive boost and the whole process is very positive for me. It definitely benefits me in both a mental and physical way.

I’ve also found that dancing has helped me in a huge way. I just put on some ABBA and just dance like an idiot, flailing arms everywhere, legs kicking all within the confines of my room. I then look at my Fitbit and I’ve burned loads of calories. I also get that bit of endorphins plus the music makes me feel good as well.

That’s the best thing I’ve found is that I can just stand in my room and pretend I’m in a musical and just dance. It’s so enjoyable and I’d really would recommend it for other people to try it out and have a good old boogie!

For those who follow you on Instagram, they’ve seen that you’ve stepped up your efforts with your food blog during lockdown. How does that benefit your mental wellbeing?

I love food and a lockdown has helped me try new things in terms of cooking. I’ve done homemade pizzas and it was fun to do with Lewis as well. It gave us something to do together and it was very creative which is always a positive.

I’ve always cooking to be a stress relief. I enjoy spending a few hours making something whilst listening to music. The time and effort I put in makes the whole eating experience more enjoyable instead having ready meals.

I found my love for cooking when I was in my 3rd year house. Both of my housemates were incredible cooks and were so creative with the way they prepared meals for us. Watching them helped me realise that cooking can be fun and not just a chore. It can be a really enjoyable activity.

I get so much positivity out of preparing food, playing some music and having a little dance whilst it’s cooking. I could spend all day playing games on my PlayStation but it’s not creative and cooking most definitely helps me find an outlet where I can make something that I and others can enjoy.

I’ve also took up painting during lockdown. I found sitting and concentrating on something to paint is very interesting. Cooking is similar as you have to concentrate on the ingredients and that the food is cooked correctly with the times that are given. Sharing it with others also gives me a way of showing that being creative will help massively to keep us on a positive path.

What would you say to someone who is struggling and doesn’t know if talking about it is the right thing to do?

You simple have to. Speaking about it to someone has a massive and positive impact on you. Even if someone you hardly know put on their social media feeds asking for people to have a chat, it really does help.
As soon as you get it off your chest you’re going to feel a hell of a lot better for it.

There’s a saying that “a problem shared is a problem halved” and it’s so true. There’s always going to be someone in your friendship group, your family or workplace who’s there for you.

My go to person was my Gran who’s now sadly no longer with us. She was our confidant and would always be there for me. She was an excellent listener and would hear us out for hours and hours. The thing now is that I do feel less confident in approaching my parents because I don’t want to stress them out.

When I’m in Cardiff and do have my bad days, if I tell them they’ll instantly tell me to come home which easier said and done. Last year I went through a really bad period where everything was going wrong. I just had to ring my Mam to come and get me. It felt like a last resort but it needed to be done. I opened up to my family and it did make feel so much better.

There’s times where I felt like my friends didn’t care but in fact they do. It’s just my anxieties taking over. It’s easy to fall into that trap where you feel you’re an inconvenience and that you’re bothering them. That is not the case at all.

Trust me when I say that your friends will prefer you to be honest with them than bottle up your feelings. Talk to them, they’ll appreciate it and help you instead of you suffering and in a worst case scenario, them losing you. Even when you know you feel so low it’s hard to tell yourself no and get back up. You do need support and being honest is the first step to getting that.

As you can see from our chat, Carys is not afraid to confront her issues head on. Like all of us she has good and bad days but she’s always looking at ways of bouncing back. Can’t fault her for always looking for new ways to help her mental wellbeing whether it’s yoga, dancing or preparing a meal.

Like all of the other chats I’ve had, this flew by and that’s what I want to achieve in these posts. I don’t want it to feel like a standard interview but like a proper chat where you can feel comfortable in opening up. Thankfully everyone who I’ve sat down with to talk to has found this to be the case.

It’s also fantastic to see how happy Carys was during lockdown to be reunited with her partner Lewis. I can sympathise with her as I went a large period without seeing my fiancee and it has a huge effect. Carys and Lewis have been together for 10 years now and I wish them all the happiness for the future.

Thank you once again to Carys for taking the time to talk to me. It really did help me understand how hard student life is abs also how we need to realise that accepting people for who they are is essential towards a more positive mental wellbeing.

I’m also going to chuck some Tom Jones songs on and try dancing as she suggested. Maybe unleashing my inner Carlton Banks will help me who knows?

A massive thanks again to everyone who’s taken time to have a read. Remember to talk to someone as it will help you massively. Keeping things bottled up is not healthy and opening up will give you a massive lift.

Stay safe, take care and until next time I’ll see you later!

This week, I’m posting another interview with a person sharing their stories and opinions regarding mental health. The person in question is my good friend, Davzie Matthews.

Over the past 18 months, Davzie has helped raise money for the mental health organisation MIND by taking part in charity boxing matches. He’s also been one of the most laid back, generous and understanding people I’ve ever met who’s always gone out of his way to help others.

In this interview, he explains what led him to decide that he wanted to help raise awareness for mental health, explains what helps him stay so calm and also tells me why he thinks mental health should always be a very important talking point.

What encouraged you to start raising money for MIND?

Over the years between myself and my wife Cath, we’ve raised money for many charities but I know a few people who’ve suffered with mental health. One in particular is my mother. She was ill for a long period whilst I was growing up and it was hard to see her in such a bad place.

I kept that in my thoughts and when I came across MIND, I found out about all of the fantastic work they do, and mental health is such a tough subject for a lot of people. I wish people found it a lot easier for talk about their problems and MIND offers that outcome through their support.

I felt further encouraged to work with MIND because I feel a lot of people will get a better understanding that a lot of us go through daily struggles, heartache and we can accept it but also get the right help so we can recover from this.

The more exposure these types of organisations get, the more assistance people can have when they need it the most. Getting these types of issues off your chest must feel like a massive weight has been lifted and that’s a huge step on the road to recovery.

In what ways has being involved with the charity helped you understand mental health in a better capacity?

When I started training for the events, a few of the fellow competitors shared their own individual stories about their own troubles. There was one guy in particular who really surprised me with his story. I’ve known him on and off over the years and found him to be a pretty confident, athletic guy.

However, he opened up about his battles and I was shocked as I never thought he’d go through stuff like that. It proves to show that no matter who you are, we all have our bad times hence as to why he was taking part.

Initially I thought of it as a competitive atmosphere but I slowly understood that a lot of these guys were or had been in some very tough places. The more I became involved, the more I understood why this is and should be seen as very important issue.

Seeing these guys open up gave me a better insight into men’s mental health and how difficult they found it was to open up. It motivated me because I know people who weren’t as confident in opening up and would then be more encouraged to do so.

I also feel that they should be very proud because it couldn’t have been easy for them to go through those issues and they’re in a much better place now.

What do you wish was more well known about mental health?

I wish that people would realise that being more patient with those who’re struggling g is vital. My wife says to me that nobody has ever said “calm down” to another person and they’ve instantly calmed down.

No matter how depressed a person can be, just saying “chill out” isn’t going to help. You need to spend more time with them so that they’ll talk back to you and eventually will be in much calmer mood. It isn’t a quick fix so we need to realise that although it is a long process, time and patience are key.

Just by being more patient, it will help you realise, and learn to be more attentive to the fact that even though you may not be struggling and are in a happy place, not all of us are. You pick up on other little things like someone acting out of character. Whether they’re quieter or louder than usual.

We all fight our individual battles. Granted some can be brief and we can resolve them quickly, but some can go on to cause us to act out in different ways. I really do wish that we could be more alert to that. Even just going out of your way to ask how someone is can go a long way.

Why do you think there is a stigma associated with men’s mental health?

Well, now that have my daughter in my life, I do feel a need that I have to be stronger in order to protect her. I’ve never felt like this before and to be honest, the boxing helped me feel that way. I’ve never really had much fear in me but I guess just by being in a new role as a father, it just put this thought in my head that I have to look after my little girl at all costs.

I feel that this stems bag to the generations before us feeding the belief that you have to be a real man and look after your family at all costs. You have to be big and strong without showing emotion. Growing up with this ideology and seeing it on television and films will enforce it even further.

Whilst I will always put my family first, these type of beliefs is a huge reason behind men finding it difficult to open up. As the years have gone by, this stigma is slowly diminishing. There are still a large number of men who feel they can’t talk about their issues. You should never feel like you have to bottle up your demons.

I’ve spoken to a few male friends and they have struggled. Whilst what you’ve done with your blog has helped because you’ve written down your thoughts. Talking about your problems is one thing but writing it down and publishing it is another level. It will put the word out there and encourage others to open up.

If we all closed ourselves off then there wouldn’t be anyone to take that first step. Hopefully we’re coming over the mountain instead of coming back down. It’s getting easier but even now when I talk to people, can see that they feel they’re burdening me by speaking about their issues.

I tell them every time that it’s fine and keep on encouraging more and more open behaviour. It’s a much healthier option for them. I wish it wasn’t like this, we’re all human and hopefully one day this stigma will be eliminated once and for all.

Is there anything that you would like to share from a personal point of view regarding mental health?

For the majority of my life, I’ve lived it as if it was an open book. If anything has ever bothered or upset me, I’ve spoken about it with a family member or friend straight away. It’s not like nothing bothers me, just I know it’s not healthy to bottle it up.

For example, I did struggle when my Grandfather passed away as I was very close to him. But instead of closing myself off, like a lot of people do whilst grieving, I did show emotion. I was honest by speaking to my loved ones and by doing that we supported each other as a family. That in itself was very therapeutic. We helped each other through the pain, so did my friends. I’d hate to think where I’d be otherwise.

One thing that I’ve found that does upset me is the amount of racism which has caused the ‘Black Lives Matter’ movement. Me and my wife speak about this a lot and we’ve seen that people are being offended by the “white privilege” factor. When a lot of people think of the word privilege, they think of fortune, fame and wealth. However, if they actually read into it, they’ll realise that they’ve never been discriminated due to the colour of their skin, which in this day and age is beyond awful.

The whole concept of it disgusts me. My sister in law is black and currently lives in America, so seeing all of these awful events is very upsetting. I can’t imagine what the people effected by this are going through and I hate the idea of them growing up whilst being judged just because their skin is a different colour to ours.

Another thing I’ve found is that during lockdown, whilst a lot of people have struggled, it’s given us a lot more time to spend together as a family. Like I said that if anything does bother me, I’ll speak to Cath. I know that I’ll be in a much better place if I do that and honestly hope so many others would do the same.

I count myself very lucky and guilty in a way. Everything has fallen into place for me but I do owe it to always being open and honest with those closest to me. Nothing has ever driven me to even consider going down a dark path because I could never put my family through that.

I couldn’t imagine or understand what’s going through someone’s mind to harm themselves or think about suicide. For example, look at Caroline Flack. We as a couple watch ‘Love Island’ and she had so much going for her, but being hounded by the press drove her to the darkest of places and a young woman is no longer with us as a result. We just need to realise that as humans to be more kind and realise what harm we’re doing before it’s too late.

Depression is such a strong thing because I don’t think I’ve been that bad compared to others. Although, I do now realise losing a family member is traumatic and did have an effect on me. Just I knew I had the tools and support network to help me when I needed it.

You touched on what you’ve been doing during Lockdown. How have you been as a whole?

Like I said, I know a lot of people have struggled, but I’ve enjoyed the more time I’ve had with the family. I would have missed so much time with my daughter. In a very unselfish way, I have appreciated it.

The worst thing about being in work all day is that I don’t get to spend time with them. During these last few months I’ve seen my daughter take her first steps, she’s growing and each day I spend with her is as special as the last and I’m so grateful for that.

Whilst the daily routine of feeding, changing the baby and putting her down for a nap takes up a lot of time, I have found a lot of time to exercise and cook. It’s given me a good routine. Whilst if I was in work, none of this would happen. I do feel bad by saying this as so many people are stressed and they worry the hell out of me but it does make you appreciate what you have.

You’re very open about how you use yoga and meditation as a way of keeping fit and calm. How effective are these in terms of mental and physical wellness?

Doing some yoga and light meditation does the world of good for me. I like doing it in the day, but if I do it at night it puts me in a much better mindset and helps me rest a lot better. For example, I’ll come home from work or football training and I’ll think that I’m tired but my mind will be thinking of lots of different things so I’ll struggle to unwind.

If I do yoga and meditation before bed, it helps I’m with any aches I have and also helps me clear my mind. I’ll wake up so refreshed and I do owe it to these two exercises. It’s like someone’s knocked a switch off inside me and it benefits me massively.

If I don’t do it, I find I’m remembering and thinking about random things like paying the bills, stuff that happened 10 years ago. So the whole process is as good for the mind as it is for the body. Just everything feels loose in a good way and would recommend it for anyone to try.

We don’t do specific techniques if yoga, we look up different routines through hashtags on Instagram. We know that we won’t find any negative reviews on there as it’s all videos and pictures, and we don’t really use Twitter. Sometimes I’ll do just normal stretches but after a while, we’ll do our research and try different things that helpful people have posted.

To finish up, what would you say to someone who is struggling and doesn’t know if talking about it is the right thing to do?

Most definitely, always talk about it. Not taking will build things up and think more negatively. Everyone should talk more because it helps the situation and get a better perspective. It’s not easy, but if you trust someone in order to open up, they will support you, trust will be further cemented and you’ll end up in a much better place. 
It’s not a quick fix but it will be the best thing you’ll do. So many people have done it and it’s been the first step on the road to a much better place. It’s always worked for me and I’m sure it will work for others. 

This chat with Davzie reminded me once again that he’s one the kindest and most understanding people I’ve ever known. He’s always had time for people, and when he’s had any concerns or upsetting times himself he’s made sure that he’s talked about it.
I’m so happy for him as he’s settled down with the happiest of families. His wife Cath is equally as lovely and their daughter Felicity has made them even more happier than they already were (which I didn’t think was possible!). You can just see that he’s grateful for what he has and he deserves every little bit of it.

As his friend, I‘m proud that he took the time to understand the meaning and mission behind a mental health organisation like MIND. He admits himself that he was shocked by the stories of some of the other competitors as they never appeared as if they were struggling before. Over time he understands that bottling up and putting on a front is major factor in mental health and is key point in the stigma of which we’re trying to eliminate.

I also commend Davzie and Cath for being honest and open about their support for Black Lives Matter and equality as a whole. They’re very open and honest people and that is why they’re so likeable. They see everyone as equal and don’t take race and/or religion into account. I respect them so much for doing this.

Like many of us, Davzie wishes people were more understanding about mental health and realises that people need to be more patient whether it’s those supporting those in need or those recovering themselves. He also understands that physical exercise is as good for the mind as it is for the legs.

As always, thank you to everyone who’s read this and a very special thanks to Davzie for taking time to talk to me. He’s proof that we can help in many different ways and that patience and understanding is key to the parting of the dark clouds.

If anyone would like more information on the work that MIND do as a charity, I’ve posted a link and contact details at the end of the blog. They give fantastic support and dedicated people who offer guidance through our most difficult times.

So please, stay safe, take care and I’ll see you later!

Website – mind.org.uk

Telephone – 02920395123

Email – supporterrelations@mind.org.uk