Don’t normally do this kind of thing so here we go…
One thing I’ve always done is overthink. In most situations I weigh up the pros and cons, but then go into “what if’s” which causes me to avoid situations and social gatherings with friends.
I’d wake up some days, with the confidence to go out and do something, other days I wake up and think “something bad is going to happen” or like I said before, I over assess things. Unlike before I was diagnosed, I used to “put up a front”. I could repress these things, laugh it off but deep down I knew it affected me. Now I know the healthier way is to talk about the issues, confide in people I trust and more so, seek help professionally.
There’s been occasions where I’ve been fine one moment, but the next I’m in tears. I can’t put up “the front” anymore and in one way that’s a good thing, and in another it’s very frustrating and embarrassing. Nobody likes to cry, but we’re all human and we have our breaking points.
I’d be a liar if I said I’ve never thought about doing something stupid. There’s been situations where I thought, “would things be better if I was dead?” or “would anyone really be bothered if I was gone?” It’s a stupid thing to do I know, and I’ve even been stood on a bridge looking over a bypass mulling over the options but thankfully I never brought myself to do it. I couldn’t put my family, friends and most importantly my girlfriend through it, and looking back on the way I felt just scares the hell out of me.
If this has taught me anything, it’s who I can really count as true friends. I’ve confided in the right people who’s supported me, talk to me regularly and I know that they genuinely care. I don’t ever want to feel like a burden and I’m often told off for apologising to them when I get the opportunity to open up because I feel like I am getting in the way.
This has also helped me to remove certain people who I once considered friends and have come to realise that the word “friend” can be used very loosely. Friends do not regularly attempt to embarrass you. Friends do not discourage you from seeking out a relationship. Friends do not ridicule you over your weight and appearance. And a real friend certainly does not laugh it off and tell you to “get over it”.
I should be telling these people how I feel face to face I know, but I cannot bring myself to be near them out of the fear of “what might happen”. A classic case of my dear old nemesis, overthinking. But going back to the point of where I considered taking my own life, I realised that giving these people the satisfaction of pushing me to that is enough to warrant the silent treatment and to just block them out. One day I suppose they will find out but again I’ve moved on and what’s in the past is in the past.
Instead I focus my time and attention on the people that do matter and on my good days I’ve had the best times, and in my bad days they’ve gotten me through the worst times. I owe them so much and I can’t begin to thank them for being there for me. They are all family to me, and if they are ever in a situation where they need me, whether it’s a chat or any situation where a friend/loved one is needed, I wouldn’t hesitate to be there for them.
The biggest boost I’ve had, has come from my fiancée. She has been amazing. It’s a good thing I can’t bottle things up anymore because she’d get it out of me anyway. She’s encouraging, supportive and has gotten me through the worst period of my life. I love her more than I can possibly describe.
I’m nowhere near where I want to be, but I’m also nowhere near where I was. As the song goes, “I get knocked down, but I get up again. You’re never gonna keep me down”. I take it day by day, I know what to do, what not to do and most importantly I have the right people and resources to support me.
It’s so easy these days to say, go and talk to someone, but really it’s the best thing I’ve ever did. Whether it’s the doctors, counsellors, friends, family, girlfriend I can honestly say having an opportunity to open up is pivotal to getting healthy. Yes the medication helps but I know I have to make changes because I will not let this be the end of me, it’s just a reboot and I know I have so much more left to do, achieve and live for.
Thank you to anyone who’s taken the time to read this. There’s probably more to tell but for a first draft I hope I’ve managed to express what I need to say.
Until next time, this isn’t a goodbye. Just think of it as more of a “see you later”.
MIND OVER NOISE 