To accept the fact that I am suffering with my Mental Health and needed help wasn’t an easy process. I tried and to talk myself around with classic phrases like “Come on, get your head in gear” or “It’s just a phase” and tried to just “carry on as normal” but in the end my demons would take over.
Pride is probably one of the worst things about being a bloke. Sounds cliche I know but part of my growing up was believing that “men don’t cry” and it was “weak” to open up about your issues. For years I would cry on my own in my room or if I had any opportunity to be alone.
This refers to what I’ve previously described as “The Front”. No matter what I’d be thinking or how I’d be feeling, when I’d be with family or friends I’d be “fine”. I’d pass things off, try and be the joker or “one of the boys”. It was my way of telling myself there was nothing wrong and it would eventually pass. Eventually cracks would show.
My attention to things like work or simple conversations would start to suffer and when I’d be asked if something was wrong I’d put on a smile, say no and laugh it off or use some other excuse. I’d then go into a point of telling myself even more to “wise up”. I’d feel even more paranoid and anxious about showing weakness.
I was single at the time and found it very hard to be close to anyone as I felt that they wouldn’t want to be around me if my struggles were out in the open. I believed that I’d be a massive burden. I preferred being alone for long periods as I felt I wouldn’t be bothering anyone. I’d lie to people, which ended up pushing them away when I thought I was doing them a favour. Therefore not only was I not trying to find happiness for myself, I was also hurting others. Looking back on it, I feel ashamed of myself and cannot be sorry enough for the way I treated these people.
I’d also rely a lot on alcohol. On a night out I would drink very heavily which looking back was a very stupid thing to do. Sometimes, I would black out and wake up the next morning with no recollection of how I got there. That would make me feel awful. My mind would be all over the place trying to piece together what happened. I’d be furious with myself for letting me get into that state and cry because I was so ashamed of myself.
Small signs of the change in my behaviour would become apparent. It would get to the point where I’d snap when close friends and family would try and see if I was ok and try and help me. The same old excuses would come and go but I was a ticking time bomb until one night I just couldn’t hide it anymore.
I had a pretty bad week leading up to this point. Work and personal matters wasn’t going as smoothly as I liked and although I was at a very unhappy period of my life, to everyone else I was “fine”. As it got to the weekend, I had arranged to go out and watch a game of a rugby with some friends. I went out, had a few drinks, watched the game and we carried on into the night. Once or twice a few of my friends asked me if I was ok as they noticed I was more quiet as usual, I’d replay with the same old bullshit and laugh it off but inside my mind was going at 100 miles an hour. Fears and overthinking was taking over but I kept telling myself I was fine.
I wouldn’t say I was drunk but I had a few and was aware of what I was doing but all of a sudden felt I had to leave and get air. It felt like the walls were closing in on me, I was short of breath and just had to get out of the bar I was in. I went outside and as soon as I got out and caught my breath I burst into tears. As soon as I realised what I was doing I hit myself a few times and thought “what the fuck is wrong with me?” and tried to get myself together. Once again I was telling myself this was just a little blip. I’ve had a drink and there’s nothing wrong.
As soon as I got back into the bar, I sat down and within minutes I just burst into tears again, I ran out this time pretending my phone was ringing urgently and sprinted around the corner away from anyone who could see me. I was on my own, tipsy and with my thoughts – one situation at that point I didn’t want to be in. I was broken. Hysterically crying, frantically searching in my mind to figure out what was wrong with me, my old pal overthinking was having a meeting with denial, and I come to the conclusion that the only way I could be at ease was if everything would just “end”.
At that point, I came really close to doing something stupid that night. I thought about jumping in front of a car on the bypass, going home and finding something to make it quick but as I was searching for “the answer” thankfully a bit of common sense kicked in and I realised how much of an idiot I was being and decided the best action was not to go home but to go back in and keep drinking.
That was where I hit my lowest point. Within 10 minutes as my friends were around me talking, I realised I was the only one who wasn’t in a conversation, I looked around and I started crying. This time I didn’t go outside. A couple of my friends noticed and rushed around me I knew at that point I couldn’t lie to myself and those closest to me anymore. My one friend who I can honestly say is one of my best friends knew all along something wasn’t right, and they told me, to come with them and talk.
We went to their house and talked for hours. I broke down immediately and opened up about how alone I felt, how my work life was suffering, how I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be with anyone and how I considered taking my own life. They helped me put things in perspective by realising that people did care for me and that I needed help. For the next few days whether it was by phone call or text, they made sure I got to the Doctors and talked to my parents.
My folks sensed I wasn’t myself but couldn’t believe how bad things actually were. At first they were disappointed that I didn’t confide in them, but quickly understood once they heard about my insecurities and fears. The initial shock and disappointment quickly turned into concern and emotion. Immediately they offered support and also encouraged me to get help. That felt like another huge weight off my shoulders and further helped me realise that this was the way forward.
My friend is a tough cookie but honestly would be there for anyone in the drop of a hat and I can honestly say without the talk I would have done something stupid that night and wouldn’t be here now. That whole process made me realise that blokes do cry, can show weakness and we can talk about your issues. At the end of the day we’re all human and if we do bottle it up, it could end up in situations where you can’t contain it anymore like me in the bar or even worse do something you can’t take back.
Pride can be a misleading thing. Yeah to look after yourself is one thing but to think you have to be “one of the boys” and not be honest with your closest people and yourself is complete and utter bullshit. We’re in a changing world where men can be more open about mental health but there are still a lot of us who put on “the front” and tell ourselves it’s weak to show our struggles. I can honestly say, looking back and reflecting on my mindset, I realise it was a dangerous outlook to have and if it wasn’t for my friend, who knows what would have happened.
The song ‘Boys Don’t Cry’ from The Cure put it perfectly with these lyrics.
“But I just keep on laughing,
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Cause boys don’t cry…”
The song is about frontman Robert Smith’s struggles with masking emotion and loneliness. I found it to be my anthem to realise where I need to be and that boys can cry and if we don’t let out what we’re feeling we’re hurting our loved ones and most importantly ourselves.
This song was released in the 1980’s, a time where mental health was even lesser of a talked about subject. Yet Robert Smith (like many other of his songs) felt confident to confront his demons head on, and so many others still relate to it in the present day.
I dread to think what people have gone through in the years leading up to now. It’s scary that so many people hold back because of the fear of what others think. We’re still a long way off but there’s been some incredible steps that’s been taken in these past few years and the stigma is diminishing slowly but effectively.
Please seek help if you’re feeling alone, sad or struggling in any way. It’s easy to say I know but whether it’s professional or personal help, there’s always someone there. Acceptance is a vital part to recovery. This and the following two chapters all surround my acceptance of my situation and that this is going to be a long journey.
I still question myself whether if talking about my issues is the right thing. Is it showing weakness? Am I burdening others? Regarding my example from a few years ago, I came out of it with a clearer mindset that talking and confiding in others is the way to be, and that feeling some ridiculous sense of “pride” would only keep holding me back into a very unhealthy place.
I’ve also found happiness as I’m now engaged to a fantastic, kind and beautiful woman. I realised I can’t let the bad thoughts take control anymore and like many others, I deserve to be happy. We’ve been together just shy of 2 and a half years but in July last year I did one of the best things that I’ve ever done by proposing and thankfully she said yes. I’m very happy and don’t know where I would be without her. S
Besides if I try to hide it these days, I struggle to hold it in. It’s a good thing in many ways as it shows something is bothering me. My fiancée is an expert in spotting it so if I don’t open up, she’ll get it out of me regardless.
Also, if I feel very anxious about something my breathing patterns are quite heavy and I fidget about a lot so I’m hardly going to go unnoticed if I do try to pretend if everything is ok. Plus I know that drinking heavily is a very dangerous option. I still enjoy a few pints and a night out but I do watch what I’m drinking. If I am worried about something, I just make sure I do confide in my fiancée and either a friend or family member, therefore I go out with a clearer mindset, enjoy myself free of any worry and don’t take it out on myself in a negative way.
I hope my experiences are helpful for anyone going through a similar situation., really hope you find the right answers and find yourself in a much healthier place.
Thank you and take care.
MIND OVER NOISE 