We’re all afraid of something. Even if we care not to admit it, deep down everyone has a fear. Unfortunately in a lot of cases, fear can hold us back.
Like millions of others, I experienced bullying as a child. In fact, I can honestly say secondary school was arguably the least enjoyable experience of my life until the age of 15.
There was one particular person who I can honestly say made my life hell for about 3 years. He’d make fun of me for doing well in my school work, he’d physically attack me and would call me every name under the sun. Friends would stick up for me if I was around them but then he’d wait until I was on my own and go from there. I never really stood up for myself back then. I’d keep thinking that it would pass and he’d get bored and move on.
I couldn’t sleep, apart from Fridays and Saturdays because I know I wouldn’t see him. As soon as Sunday evening came around, I’d start feeling scared because I’d have to go to school the next day and start all over again. I would also literally be sick with worry, so not only was it effecting me mentally, but also physically. Yet even back then, I felt like I couldn’t tell like my parents, so I’d act like everything was normal and let the fear take control.
My parents found out eventually after my mother walked into my room and found me crying. I told them everything. As a result complaints were made, meetings were held and teachers kept an eye out for me, but he kept coming back for more when opportunity struck.
Thankfully, he was excluded in the end for a number of reasons. However, the mental scars remained and only over the past few years that I’ve realised that this effected me in many aspects of my life.
The experience meant I had zero confidence in myself. I did well in school, but at this time I wouldn’t speak up in discussions unless put on the spot by a teacher. I’d be afraid of putting my hand up when I knew the answer incase I was made fun of by people like him, and the same thing would start all over again.
The “fun of being a teenager” also scared me. I did have friends who I could have a laugh with but new experiences would prove be challenging. I would go out and play football, go up a friend’s house and play computer games but you get to a certain age where that gets replaced by spending Friday nights talking to girls and drinking cans, and this was a terrifying prospect for me.
Some friends would go camping on a weekend, whereas I’d stay at home and watch the telly. Deep down I wanted to be there but in the end I just couldn’t bring myself to go. To bring myself to talk to girls would be beyond nerve wracking. While my friends would be talking to them I’d just stand there silently, sometimes with earphones in, on my phone or I’d just give up and go home.
I’d get home and would instantly be down. When asked about it, I’d just say I was tired and go up to my room. There was even times where I’d cry because I was so upset with myself because I wouldn’t join in.
My confidence was pretty much non existent. I’d lie in bed thinking of what fun I’d have if I did join in, but then I’d start thinking of scenarios where things would go wrong and I’d be back to square one. My parents noticed this and my dad had the occasional chat with me to try and get my confidence up, but it would never work.
When I did have a heart to heart with them, there were a few things that came up which helped them understand why my confidence was so low and why I was afraid. Being rejected was one of them, another was just feeling like I didn’t belong there as if everyone would look at me and say “what the fuck is he doing here?” or they’d make fun of me. Deep down I knew I could do this, it was just my enemy overthinking and his best mate fear being in control and when I came to the age of 16 I knew something had to change.
I’d just finished my GCSE’s and used the extra time off to have some self reflection. I kept asking myself, “Do you want to keep hiding forever?”, “Do you want to miss out on the best years of your life?” The obvious answer was no. When I’d go to family parties I’d have the occasional drink, so slowly I was being introduced to alcohol. I just knew I had to get out there, be myself and realise the people who were asking me to go out were my friends and wanted me to be there.
To celebrate getting our results, the usual tradition would be to get a load of cans and go down the local football field. When I was asked to go, without thinking I said yes. My friends looked surprised but at the same time looked relieved that I said that I was going.
In the weeks building up to it, I was partly more nervous for this than my actual results. No word of a lie, the exam results were giving me sleepless nights but eventually I realised I wasn’t nervous but I was actually… excited. I couldn’t wait. For the first time I was going to be a teenager and enjoy the best period of my young life.
The results came, and I had reasons to celebrate. My parents were proud and I was relieved and I knew it was time to enjoy myself. I showed up, granted there was a few surprised faces but they quickly went away and I ended up staying out until the early hours. I had a few drinks, had a laugh and to say I enjoyed myself was an understatement.
From that point on, my confidence shot up. I went out more, eventually cans down the field turned into sneaking into pubs. Nights playing computer games turned into house parties and weekends in turned into weekends out. I found talking to girls easier and my whole life was just about to begin.
Looking back it looked so easy, but I can honestly say it was so tough however I was proud of myself and I wish I did it sooner. The “what ifs” and other fear factors are still there from time to time, but as much as I still worry I just think back to how much worse it was and realise that I can’t let fear win. In any situation where I had the chance to enjoy myself, my self doubt and fear of the unknown took over but there’s only so much I could take and I can’t begin to imagine what I’d be like if I didn’t stand up for myself.
There’s still many occasions where I’m afraid of the outcome, and that’s down to overthinking. It’s not something that will go away like a flick of a switch. However, I am coping a lot better than I did before, mainly through things like breathing exercises and/or talking about how I’m feeling.
We all get nervous and I like to think that everyone is afraid of something, but when your confidence is knocked it’s tough to come back from. It’s essential to let others know if something is bothering you. At the end of the day, bullies never win and we are stronger than we realise. Never give up.
Once again, thank you to anyone who’s gone out of their way to read this. It means so much and as I’ve said before, I hope this helps.
Be true to yourself and I hope you find the strength like I did.
Thank you and take care.
MIND OVER NOISE 