Chapter 12 – Carys Wigley

Since I began writing this blog, the aim has been to promote that mental health needs to continue in being a huge talking point as it’s just as important as physical health. Also, I wanted to show that anyone can have their own struggles, no matter what way of life you lead and that it’s ok to accept that we need help.

With the recent move I’ve taken in interviewing other people who’re sharing their experiences, I’m finding that I’m learning a lot from each person I speak to. This can most definitely be said for Carys Wigley.

Carys is currently studying a masters degree in Archeological Science at Cardiff University. She sat down for a chat via Zoom where she opened up on a number of factors of which influences her mental wellbeing on both positive and negative means such as body positivity and student life.

What do you feel is most misunderstood about student life?

Myself and lots of other students have been labelled with the criticism and opinion that we spend 3 years or more partying and that the taxpaying public funds it. It’s also widely believed that we’ll just easily get a job at the end of our studies. At the end of the day, this couldn’t be further from the truth.

We go to university to better ourselves in order to eventually work in a job that we feel very passionately about. Granted, there are a number of people who come out of uni and manage to get the job they want, but there are a huge number of graduates who struggle to find roles in their respective fields.

At the moment, I’m looking for jobs involving Archeological Science and even though I have a degree, I struggle to just even get an interview. So it’s not as easy as some people make out, it’s a hard struggle.

I’ve grown up in a hard working household. I have two younger sisters so my parents couldn’t afford to cover the whole of my tuition so I was granted for a loan via student finance. The money I had through that I had to live on, and eventually I realised I had to get a job.

It also needs to be known on a wider scale that you can’t just live off your student loan especially if you’re living in halls or house sharing. I struggled to pay my rent, I’m living in a big city and was never taught of how to manage money properly. You see that you have £2000 in your account and in 2 months, it’s been spent.

You don’t know to handle that sort of money if you’ve never seen it before. I’ve worked since I was 16 but still never had that much in my account. And initially during events like Freshers Week you will spend a lot of it but in time you do learn the hard way and I can most definitely say that I did.

Not everyone will have financial support from their families so you will have to get a job. There are a number of employers who simply don’t care that you’re studying and that can have a massive impact because you have to juggle my university work and shift patterns which interfere and harm my studies.

It’s hard finding time to juggle everything. You’d be spending 5 days a week in uni as well as working long shifts and it does get to you. For example, during the first year of my masters, I was working at Pie Minister and they’d want to work pretty much right after my lectures would finish. I would have the best part of an hour to get ready in order to get to work on time.

It takes a lot of mental strength to get though that, especially when it’s pretty much all year round. I’d go from being in the lab all day learning all the different names that each bone has and constantly studying to then going into work as a waitress where I’d have to stay alert and concentrate even more.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have friends who are in a position where their families can support them financially but they are in fact the minority of students whilst we’re the majority. I have no problem with them at all but we’re being stereotyped that we just sail through university when it’s completely the opposite.

What sort of pressures go unnoticed and aren’t talked about regarding university life?

There’s a strong mentality with students similar to a lot of people where they don’t speak up about their battles with mental health. Sadly a lot of people are doubted over the legitimacy of their problems if they do speak out. Like they’re accused of just “doing it for attention” or trying to get a deadline extension.

From personal experiences, whether I’ve had personal and/or health issues, I’ve had a couple of weeks added onto my essay and I’ve given legitimate reasons. Sadly, you do get people who misuse this trust from the university and do quite simply “take the piss”. One person I know literally googled symptoms of chronic migraines, went to the doctor who then diagnosed him with stress induced migraines. As a result, he had 2 weeks extra on his deadline whilst he was still out with us when we had to hand our work in on time.

At the end of the day, if someone does have extenuating circumstances like physical or mental health, some people will just assume they’re putting it on to get some extra time or a free pass. It’s a shame because that’s how stigmas and self denial can form when someone has perfectly legitimate reasons but feels they can’t speak up because they’re afraid they’ll get judged or ridiculed.

I think as a whole, we need a lot more tolerance and acceptance with mental health. When I speak to my mother she’s still in the generational mindset where there is a huge stigma surrounding openness about mental wellbeing. With young people, especially my sisters it’s a lot more open but there’s so much more we can do. Talking about it crucial.

University is to me in many ways a carry on from school. I think female students can feel less pressured to open up whilst with the male population, it’s a lot harder. With the rugby and cricket teams, there’s still a lot of the “lad culture” and they don’t talk about their issues out the fear of letting down their peers. If you spoke to men who’ve been to uni, they’ve had a lot harder time opening up compared to myself and a lot of other female students I know.

Lad culture for me is a very toxic environment. Cardiff did try to ban the culture on night outs. The main sports night on a Wednesday used to be named “Lash” but they changed it because they deemed it unacceptable because it promoted lad culture and binge drinking. It didn’t really work because we still kept calling it by the original name and binge drinking was still common.

How do you stop lad culture? You do see so many examples of times where someone is ridiculed or made an example of for the sake of a few laughs. The university are trying to stop initiations which I think is a good thing because they must cause a lot of anxiety in a lot of people. Some people do have the self confidence to do a humiliating task like they do in these things but I know I’d hate to do and so many other people would feel the same.

You’re very open and honest on social media about topics such as Black Lives Matters, body positivity and LGBTQ+. What inspired you to speak out about them?

It was around 2016 that I came across an artist named Florence Given. She’s a feminist who promotes positivity and encourages us to just be ourselves and be the best we can be. She spoke to me on so many levels and I picked out that she mentioned that a lot of white feminists do exclude black women.

She spoke out very strongly about this and inspired me to be more accepting to other cultures. A huge part of that to me was music. During my second year of university I came across Stormzy which introduced me to the grime music scene. I’d never heard of this type of stuff before and a lot of the lyrics do raise awareness of the issues going on at the moment.

Especially with Black Lives Matter, the music educated me on issues like this through the lyrics which explains the struggles black people go through. As for me, I come from Aberdare which is a small town so these types of issues have never effected me personally. I think it made me think that back home racism isn’t a major issue, it’s laughed off or “banter” if anything.

Now that I live in a city, I can openly and honestly say it’s educated me a lot more in terms of political correctness and tolerance. At the beginning I would be corrected because it wasn’t the correct terminology. Firstly, I was shocked because I had no idea and felt so bad that these things were not acceptable to say. It wasn’t known to me, you’re brought up and never questioned on it by my parents. That once again goes back to a generational thing.

I realised as a result that just by the littlest of things that I say, how could my actions effect other people’s feelings? Since coming to uni, I now have more friends of many different backgrounds whether they’re black, white or part of the LGBTQ+ community. There’s so many things that I’ve learned and educated myself on just by having these friends and I’m so grateful for having them in my life because it has made me a better person.

I met people who introduced me to things like trans rights. I have a friend who is transgender and they’ve taught me so much. I think it’s about being the best person you can be and to help others. People can assume the worst and don’t use the relevant pronouns like if a person prefers to go by “them” or “they. A lot of people in the Valleys have never met anyone who’s asked to be called by that but still have a sort of anger about it.

To me, there shouldn’t be a problem about it. It’s not skin off my nose and if a person wants to go by that pronoun, fair play to them and I totally respect that. It has no bearing on my life and they’re going through a lot just by finding the courage to be open about being transgender so I wish we was a lot more tolerant about it.

For the majority of my time in secondary school up to about the age of 17, I was a size 6. I met my boyfriend Lewis when I was 15 and when I would go to his house, his mother would feed me the same size portions and we’d go out for food, I’d order the same as him a lot of the time. I did put on a fair amount of weight and I went to a size 12.

From that point, I did notice a difference of how people are treated differently for being judged for their size. There is a thin privilege and I noticed that at size 6. Granted, there’s a lot of girls in a size 12 and there’s no problem with that at all. But why are we judged for the size of clothes that we wear? I am now a size 14 and I feel self conscious at times when I’m out eating. I feel that people are judging me on my size and I really do hate that feeling.

There’s a girl I know called Gina who lives in Manchester who I talk sometimes who’s so honest and influential. She speaks and writes about how shit beauty standards are and the community around it. For example, she and a lot of people are calling out sustainable fashion.

For those who don’t know, fast fashion is where designs will flow from the catwalk quickly to retail to capture the current trends. There’s a lot of issues surrounding the workers and their pay and people are calling for them to make sustainable clothing. That’s fine but there’s hardly any sustainable clothes for plus size women. Like if you went to a charity shop and there’s nothing you can wear.

I’ve learned so much from Gina’s posts and can’t believe how much people are judged just for size. There’s showing concern in regards to health and then there’s just being horrible to someone. There’s a huge culture on Instagram where girls have had lots of cosmetic surgery and use filters which creates an unrealistic standard. A lot of these girls do work out hard and want the surgery but I feel it promotes a very unhealthy body image which effects us physically and mentally.

I myself have nearly fallen into that trap. I would look at some of these girls and wish that I was skinny and feel like none of my clothes fit me. I think the only way to overcome this is by being open. You have women posing in certain angles and contorting their bodies to just get one roll on their body. It’s fine if you don’t have any, some girls are naturally skinny so don’t feel pressured that don’t have to be. There’s a stigma on both ends of the spectrum.

You’re relatable to girls with your body type, don’t cause harm to yourself by trying to fit in with other people. It’s easy to say this but accept yourself for who you are, don’t feel pressured and make your own decisions.
We make mistakes as humans, it’s in our nature but we can learn from them. One setback can be the making of us in educating ourselves to be better, more accepting and tolerant. It’s worked for me and I’m sure so many more can do the same.

What do you wish was more well known about mental health?

I wish it was known that you could be “normal” and still have a problem with mental health. You don’t have to be an uncontrollable so called lunatic, it’s perfectly fine. I explain this to my mother all the time.
She doesn’t admit her problems but she has them, I have them and so many other people do. That doesn’t mean that someone is going to lock me away, it just means my wellbeing isn’t the best and I need some help. It’s two different things with a huge line between them.

You can go to doctors who’ll give medication and talk to you but I think that’s where people start to get scared. There’s a massive stigma around that but all you need to do is be honest with yourself and you will see the results.

None of us are perfect and we do have our own individual battles. There’s no shame in asking for help and definitely none in accepting it either.

Is there anything that you would like to share from your own experiences with mental health?

I think that from a personal point of view, mental health will always be up and down. I don’t think there will be a sustained period where I don’t have any problems. There are days where I feel so much happier, positive and I’m on cloud 9, but there’s days where I feel like I’m at my lowest.

I’ve never taken any medication for my problems. I’ve sort of helped myself with other remedies but looking back maybe I should have. There for days, weeks and months where I would be in such a bad place and perhaps I should have gone to the doctor.

Medication gets such a bad rep as well and it shouldn’t. A number of my friends have taken them and although some find it didn’t help them, many did find they made a positive difference. I’ve always believed that you should try things, make your own judgement and not be influenced by others. Medication could work for you and you won’t know unless you try it. There’s no shame in taking medication because they’re subscribed for you. Just the same as a pair of glasses from the optician.

I felt that when Lewis was with me during lockdown, it took time to get used to it. Even though we’ve been together for the best part of a decade, we’ve never lived together. Apart from music festivals and holidays we don’t see each other for more than 3 days a week. It felt like a big step in a good way.

At the time I wasn’t working whilst he was, travelling every day. I kind of took up the housewife role which doesn’t suit me (laughs). That was a struggle to get used to but in the end I did get used to it and found it benefitted me by having a daily routine.

I’d get up at 8, make breakfast, have a coffee, put the washing load on, clean, go for a walk and then make food for when Lewis came home. I found it was a benefit because it gave me things to do instead of being on my own all day and I would look forward to seeing him come home. Having someone to talk to in person was a massive lift as well.

My housemate Jake is now back and Lewis has gone home to his parents. Even though I love Jake to bits, that routine has pretty much gone out of the window. It’s made me spiral a bit and there’s days where I don’t want to get out of bed. Even though I realise what’s going on around me, I just can’t snap out of it which is so frustrating.

Periods like that do tend to last a week and being stuck in the house is very draining. It’s a tough time and a lot of people have a form of anxiety about it. When the pubs open, it will be a big thing for me. I feel it’s too early and I’ve relayed my fears to my parents. I just think it’s an awful time but thankfully not many pubs in Aberdare have many beer gardens. I do appreciate that people have businesses and jobs but health and safety is essential.

Cardiff will be more difficult and people will travel so I know I’ll have to stay in. I’ll be in a better frame of mind. I just hope people use their heads and don’t go crazy like we’ve seen in England because there is still a pandemic going on and we need to be safe.

What sort of methods and exercises do you use to help you in stressful/anxious situations?

I used to suffer from anxiety attacks and of all places, I’d have them whilst lying in bed. It’s the worst place because it’s supposed to be one of the safest places to be. So many negative thoughts would run through my mind like I’m not going to wake up and that was one of my biggest anxieties.

To help me, the first thing I’d do is count to ten and slowly try and breathe in and out whilst I was counting. I would also tell myself that “this isn’t real” and that I was going to be ok. Even though it is a real sense of anxiety, I would calm myself down by doing this.

I think that for anxiety, my biggest issue is going out. I pretty much have to push myself out of the door and once I’m out there I feel a lot better. It’s just the whole concept of leaving the house which effects me.

I do find that yoga and breathing exercises really helps me. I honestly think that exercise does help with depression and it pumps you up but with yoga it really does calm you. The breathing is also a massive boost and the whole process is very positive for me. It definitely benefits me in both a mental and physical way.

I’ve also found that dancing has helped me in a huge way. I just put on some ABBA and just dance like an idiot, flailing arms everywhere, legs kicking all within the confines of my room. I then look at my Fitbit and I’ve burned loads of calories. I also get that bit of endorphins plus the music makes me feel good as well.

That’s the best thing I’ve found is that I can just stand in my room and pretend I’m in a musical and just dance. It’s so enjoyable and I’d really would recommend it for other people to try it out and have a good old boogie!

For those who follow you on Instagram, they’ve seen that you’ve stepped up your efforts with your food blog during lockdown. How does that benefit your mental wellbeing?

I love food and a lockdown has helped me try new things in terms of cooking. I’ve done homemade pizzas and it was fun to do with Lewis as well. It gave us something to do together and it was very creative which is always a positive.

I’ve always cooking to be a stress relief. I enjoy spending a few hours making something whilst listening to music. The time and effort I put in makes the whole eating experience more enjoyable instead having ready meals.

I found my love for cooking when I was in my 3rd year house. Both of my housemates were incredible cooks and were so creative with the way they prepared meals for us. Watching them helped me realise that cooking can be fun and not just a chore. It can be a really enjoyable activity.

I get so much positivity out of preparing food, playing some music and having a little dance whilst it’s cooking. I could spend all day playing games on my PlayStation but it’s not creative and cooking most definitely helps me find an outlet where I can make something that I and others can enjoy.

I’ve also took up painting during lockdown. I found sitting and concentrating on something to paint is very interesting. Cooking is similar as you have to concentrate on the ingredients and that the food is cooked correctly with the times that are given. Sharing it with others also gives me a way of showing that being creative will help massively to keep us on a positive path.

What would you say to someone who is struggling and doesn’t know if talking about it is the right thing to do?

You simple have to. Speaking about it to someone has a massive and positive impact on you. Even if someone you hardly know put on their social media feeds asking for people to have a chat, it really does help.
As soon as you get it off your chest you’re going to feel a hell of a lot better for it.

There’s a saying that “a problem shared is a problem halved” and it’s so true. There’s always going to be someone in your friendship group, your family or workplace who’s there for you.

My go to person was my Gran who’s now sadly no longer with us. She was our confidant and would always be there for me. She was an excellent listener and would hear us out for hours and hours. The thing now is that I do feel less confident in approaching my parents because I don’t want to stress them out.

When I’m in Cardiff and do have my bad days, if I tell them they’ll instantly tell me to come home which easier said and done. Last year I went through a really bad period where everything was going wrong. I just had to ring my Mam to come and get me. It felt like a last resort but it needed to be done. I opened up to my family and it did make feel so much better.

There’s times where I felt like my friends didn’t care but in fact they do. It’s just my anxieties taking over. It’s easy to fall into that trap where you feel you’re an inconvenience and that you’re bothering them. That is not the case at all.

Trust me when I say that your friends will prefer you to be honest with them than bottle up your feelings. Talk to them, they’ll appreciate it and help you instead of you suffering and in a worst case scenario, them losing you. Even when you know you feel so low it’s hard to tell yourself no and get back up. You do need support and being honest is the first step to getting that.

As you can see from our chat, Carys is not afraid to confront her issues head on. Like all of us she has good and bad days but she’s always looking at ways of bouncing back. Can’t fault her for always looking for new ways to help her mental wellbeing whether it’s yoga, dancing or preparing a meal.

Like all of the other chats I’ve had, this flew by and that’s what I want to achieve in these posts. I don’t want it to feel like a standard interview but like a proper chat where you can feel comfortable in opening up. Thankfully everyone who I’ve sat down with to talk to has found this to be the case.

It’s also fantastic to see how happy Carys was during lockdown to be reunited with her partner Lewis. I can sympathise with her as I went a large period without seeing my fiancee and it has a huge effect. Carys and Lewis have been together for 10 years now and I wish them all the happiness for the future.

Thank you once again to Carys for taking the time to talk to me. It really did help me understand how hard student life is abs also how we need to realise that accepting people for who they are is essential towards a more positive mental wellbeing.

I’m also going to chuck some Tom Jones songs on and try dancing as she suggested. Maybe unleashing my inner Carlton Banks will help me who knows?

A massive thanks again to everyone who’s taken time to have a read. Remember to talk to someone as it will help you massively. Keeping things bottled up is not healthy and opening up will give you a massive lift.

Stay safe, take care and until next time I’ll see you later!