Chapter 27 – Christian Aldridge

Long before I started this blog, I’ve managed to have some incredible and in depth conversations with some amazing people. Many of them occurred whilst I was going through my own struggles and needed someone I could trust to confide in.

The person I’ve spoken to for this week’s blog post is one of those trusted individuals. Someone who selflessly puts others ahead of himself but also realises that self care is equally as essential.

I’ve had the honour and privilege of knowing Christian Aldridge for many years and consider him a very good friend. I’ve roomed with him on trips away and always found him trustworthy and helpful, especially in difficult situations.

Christian is also a fantastic father to two lovely children. He has an amazing job as a Firefighter, something which he worked very hard to achieve.

He sat down with me for a chat (via zoom) and we spoke about many things including his battles with mental health and what helps or inspires him to get through the tough times.

In the past, you’ve praised the use of counselling and therapy in dealing with issues with your mental health. In what ways has that helped you?

It’s helped me massively to be honest with you. When I first suffered with depression, I was put on medication and I didn’t feel that it did anything for me. There was a turning point in my life where I turned to the counselling side of things and I felt that was a huge benefit to me in comparison to being on the meds.

It only took a couple of sessions for me to open up and understand what the counselling can do for me. It also taught me skills that I can help myself on a day to day to basis. One of the biggest things I learned is that no matter what state of mind you’re in, you’re never a burden to those who care about you. You may feel that way but honestly it’s not the case at all.

I would recommend anyone who’s in a difficult place to reach out and speak to friends and family or a counsellor. Yes it cost me a bit of money but I found it massively beneficial. I’ve been back in touch with my counsellor a few times over the past 5 or 6 years when I’ve been in a bad place and he’s been incredible.

I’ve also been in touch with a counsellor from a work perspective as well. It’s not just an impact from one counsellor but I’ve benefited from the guidance of a couple of professionals from different organisations which of course is helpful to me in improving my mental wellbeing.

Initially, when I was in my darkest days I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I just wanted to knuckle down and get on with things. The belief I had was that everyone has a bad time and gets over it but it gets to a point where these negative feelings take over you and I realised I needed some help. I got to a point where I couldn’t carry on anymore and it was probably the darkest moment of my life.

I was too far gone to rely just on medication, I needed a constructive and more in depth way of assistance with my problems. After two or three sessions with the counsellor, my mentality changed massively. Instead of thinking negatively and that everything had turned to shit, I had a more positive outlook.

I set myself small challenges and was lucky in a way because at the same time as I was having counselling, I was training for a marathon. My counsellor taught me that life can be compared to a marathon and you don’t win it by sprinting. Small steps achieve big goals and I kept that in mind to manage myself in both a mental and physical capacity.

Another gain from it is to look at it from a different bubble or perspective and think about what advice or guidance I could give to other people in similar situations. Now this could be recognising it through rational or irrational behaviour.

I learned that everyone has problems but on different scales. Because I’m an over-thinker, it taught me to prepare for best and worst case scenarios, so the results don’t make me feel anxious as much because I can prepare myself for it.

The counsellor that I spoke to also helped me to understand that not only are they a third party or someone I don’t know, but also to not judge a book by it’s cover.

At first I was taken aback by the person’s appearance and I’ll be honest in saying at that time, I’d have never talked to them on the street. Honestly after a few sessions my mindset changed and I can now say that I’d happily take him down the pub for a pint.

I refer to him more as my lifesaver than a counsellor as without him I don’t know where I’d be right now. He didn’t just help me but he saved my life. I knuckled down and listened to what he said. I took so much out of the sessions and I’m a much better person for it. I’ve also referred people to him who’ve benefitted from his methods as well. Yes it costs a bit for the sessions but it’s worth it.

I could pay £45 a month for gym membership or I could pay that on sessions with him. Both are beneficial but I now find talking about it is massively beneficial and I’d much prefer that over the gym any day of the week.

How challenging is your job as a Firefighter and what support is on offer?

Obviously we deal with various amounts of call outs such as house fires, car crashes. It could involve young or old people as well as assisting ambulances with people in precarious situations. Every call is different and challenging in their own aspect and I’m lucky that I have the mentality that I’m going in to the best job I can.

As challenging that it is, it is a bonus that I don’t have a massive emotional attachment to the people I’m helping because I don’t know them. That’s the way I like to keep my mindset and it does help me in these situations. Of course I have been to call outs where I’ve known the people involved who’s house has been damaged or in a car accident.

One example was some boys that I was in school with who in a really bad car accident. Whilst we were assessing the scenes one of my colleagues noticed I was as white as a sheet and realised I knew them. At the time I didn’t realise this but by reflecting, it most definitely had an effect on my mental health.

The approach I had at the time was to get on with it as I was younger, a bit naive and knew I had a job to on with which was to help with the situation.

I’m lucky that since then, I’ve moved to an area where I don’t know many people so that emotional attachment isn’t really there and I can get on with the job without any real effects similar to that example. The calls I go to are for people in that community and my goal is to help them and ensure they’re safe.

In regards to the mental health side of things, once we’re back at the station we will have a debriefing with the officers and we’ll talk about it by supporting each other. Some will sit in silence and rerun through things whilst others will use humour as a coping mechanism.

We’ve got a strong community and bond amongst ourselves where we can count on the support of each other to get through these difficult call outs. In a way I suppose it’s like counselling but more a personal approach because we work with each other every day and know that a team environment is essential with getting through the tough parts of our job.

If there’s any incidents where we need any extra support, our occupational health will always offer extra support and guidance to us. We can be referred to them for any physical or mental after effects where they’d put us in touch with nurse or counsellors. In fairness, the service is incredibly supportive of helping us if we’re struggling mentally and are very proactive in doing so.

For example, if there is an instance where someone sadly loses their life, they’d be in touch with the station asking if me or any of my colleagues need support through that difficult time. The brigade also has a chaplain who offers help if required. We’re not left alone and have many means of additional support.

We also have volunteers who offer contact details if we need a chat as well as phone numbers and other details for charities such as MIND. I can’t fault the brigade for the help they offer as they know themselves it’s a tough job which is physically and mentally challenging.

The support of my colleagues who I see every single day is fantastic. With the watch I’m on, we’re all for each other and have a family like mentality. We’re going into dangerous situations and support each other through thick and thin. We get the work that needs doing done and afterwards we can unwind and have a laugh in free time as well.

We can have our down time with the men and woman where it feels like a social club. They’re not just colleagues, they’re friends and we can be in an environment where it’s not just work problems we can talk about. I feel comfortable in venting about all sorts of problems and so do they. I’ve been through a bad time recently and they’ve been incredible even when I’ve been off work.

They’ve stayed in touch with me and I‘m so grateful to them for doing that. If they ever need support they know I’m there for them as well and that emphasises just how much we value one another in a professional and personal capacity. We had social events before the pandemic where we’d go out for a beer and celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, weddings etc.

We’re not just a number, we’re a family at the end of the day. We all realise that which is essential in getting through the difficult points of our job.

You’ve been very open and honest about how difficult the lockdown periods have been for you. How much of an effect has it had?

It’s effected me massively as it’s meant that I’ve been restricted from seeing my two children. I don’t want to go too much into detail but it’s resulted in me applying for a court order to gain access in seeing them.

As hard and hurtful that is, I’ve tried to focus my mindset elsewhere and create an end goal like mentality of just getting through the year. First off I knew it was going to be difficult because my son has asthma so with the pandemic it was always going to be risky. That I can totally understand so I’d set an end date.

It kept going on and on to the point where I was struggling that badly from not seeing them, I had to take time off work. And due to the situation and COVID, not being able to regularly meet up with and visit friends and family has been tough. That’s normally a huge way of helping me as I can vent my frustrations to them and speak to them about my problems. They’re incredibly supportive and have helped me through some very tough times.

I’ve not been able to make more memories with my children over the school holidays.It’s been a horrible one to be perfectly honest with you.

With being off work, I just couldn’t feel that I could fully concentrate on my job. I’ve had to apply for court orders and with that lingering over me and not knowing what’s coming as well as dealings with the solicitors and other things had a huge effect on me.
It’s likely to remain until the new year but I‘m confident it will be resolved and that everything will work out for the better.

There’s nothing more I can do at the moment as I’ve taken it down the relevant avenues and it’s got to a point where I’ve gone back on medication for anxiety. The uncertainty of things has definitely had an impact on me for sure as not knowing what’s going to happen next is worrying me.

Going back to the Fire Service, they been incredible in directing me to counselling. I’ve had six sessions with my counsellor who’s been fantastic in guiding me through these difficult days and the ever changing circumstances. Anxiety is a new aspect of mental health that is challenging me. I don’t feel down and depressed as I know my own worth as a person and a father.

It’s about getting through the anxiety and people can say what they want but I know my own worth. Going through a divorce was tough but I’ve had rediscover my self and like my counsellor said, I’ve done it through small steps.

Not seeing the kids is a tough process but I know I have support where I can speak to family, friends or professionals so I feel like I’m in a good place in regards to speaking to someone.

Is there anything else that you would like to share from your experiences?

I just find that a problem shared is a problem halved and although I might not go into full details of the problem, I’m still sharing which is essential.

I’ve been taught the comparison of a coke bottle. If you shake it, the gasses will build up to the point where it will explode if it opens. I was taught that it’s similar to your mind as all the thought processes can build up and if you don’t ever open up and share these problems, it’ll get to the point where you may brake down and vent in an unhealthy way.

It’s about being mindful and paying attention. If you’re suffering, reach out as even if you read this and need someone to talk to, give me a shout. I’m more than willing to speak and share with someone.

I’m not a trained counsellor but over the years I’ve had people come to me and ask for guidance so I’ve put them in touch with a counsellor or given them information which I’ve found helpful.

I just think people need to know how to deal with it and find the support that’s on offer. I’ve been overwhelmed with the amount of people that’s come to me but I guess it shows that I am in a better place than before because I know how to get through these tough times. It can be over various topics and these people come to me for advice.

I know that without the counselling and support I’ve had in the past I’d have never been able to be in this position so I feel like I can recommend these avenues because it did so good for me. It might not work for everyone but you can’t rule it out without trying it.

The same goes for medication. I personally am not a huge fan of it as even though I’m on tablets now I feel it doesn’t work entirely for me. Again, it might be different for someone else but I’ve never got along with it and talking about things has always been the best way of coping and responding to the bad times.

Another example that I was given by my counsellor was that if I was given a multipack of crisps and if you take one pack out and opened it, it’s fine and still nearly tidy and stacked in the cupboard. However next time you go to get a packet, you’ll open the cupboard and they’ll all fall out. It’s like your mind, everything is stored neatly but if you hit a bad time and everything gets a bit hectic, everything can kind of fall out into disarray.

You don’t have time to then neatly stack everything back in and you try to cope but putting on a front or pretending everything is ok. In comparison that is like just stuffing the packets of crisps back into the cupboard without stacking them. Until you take the time that everything has to be processed neatly and calmly, you’re going to have a negative reaction. Same as if you didn’t put the packets in neatly, they’ll still fall out every single time.

I’ve also used CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and I’ve found it really helpful. Basically it teaches us that every single situation in life has a positive or negative impact on you, there’s no in between.

Which ever one you choose to focus on is what you want your life to go by. I try to see the positive in everything but of course it doesn’t always work that way. My mindset however is that you can always find a positive response to a negative situation.

Regardless of what the situation is, that is how I look at things these days. No matter how big or small it appears to be, how you respond is the most important thing. For example, if you lose your job perhaps the positive spin is that you’re free from an employer you didn’t enjoy working for. Maybe that environment was toxic and you needed to get out of there.

You’re then free to chase a dream or something you’ve wanted to do for a long time. CBT has taught me to get out there and believe in yourself. It made me ask myself “do you want this?” and helped me realise that there are challenges in life. Yeah if you get a setback you learn from them and get back on the preverbal horse and go again. It’s all about self worth and realising how much you matter.

It’s helped me go a long way from where I was. There were times where unfortunately I considered taking my own life. I’d be out walking the dogs after a disagreement and would see a branch and would wonder if it was strong enough. That’s not just me saying it but I was in that place.

I was driving down to see a friend because I’d been in an argument and just after I came over the bridge I considered driving off the bridge. Thankfully I didn’t but I pulled into a lay-by whisky balling crying and phoned my friend who was there with me very quickly. He reassured me and calmed me down to the point where I felt like it helped because somebody was there for me.

I then went and spoke to my dad about the situation and he put me in touch with a counsellor straight away. I reached breaking point even though I had a nice house, wife, kids and a good job. I didn’t feel happy in myself which was the huge factor. I reached rock bottom and thankfully I haven’t felt that way since. Like I’ve been in tough situations since like a divorce and now the situations with the kids but never since that moment have I felt that low.

To think I could have ended it 6 or 7 years ago means I couldn’t have achieved my dreams of becoming a firefighter or seen the kids grow up. I would have left my kids without a father, my parents without a son, my friends without a friend so reflecting and seeing where I am now is huge. I know I can cope better and like I said the help from my loved ones, friends and professionals was essential in leading me down that road.

For being in a bad place and reacting positively is massive. That period was the making of me and helped me become the person I am. I don’t see bad things as failures but more as lessons. I have honestly learnt so much value and self respect for myself as I’ve been told I wasn’t good enough in the past. Since then I now know my strengths and skills which has had a massive effect on me, my partner, friends and family.

I can’t thank my life saver enough for helping me on this road because I’m a much better person for it. I’m forever grateful for his guidance and with my the counselling I’m having now, they’re noticing I’m not struggling like before but more of the situation at the moment. Yes I’m feeling anxious but I’m showing ambition to get over it and have a healthier way of life.

I’m open to all forms of therapy by getting it off my chest and that’s where I am at the moment which is huge for me in the current climate that I’m in.

How important is regular exercise in achieving a healthy mindset?

I’d say that when I was at my lowest I was exercising quite a lot. I was playing football and very active during that time. I didn’t really notice how much of a benefit of it was at the time. I have since noticed that I’ll set myself a goal through training which helps me focus on a positive thing.

This could be a half or fall marathon and although I’m not the best at sticking to a training regime, I know that by getting out there and putting in the effort is a huge benefit to myself both physically and mentally. You’re going to be in positions where you don’t feel like getting out there or you feel like shit but by putting in the effort you’ll feel so much better for it.

Yes, it’s going to hurt and yes you’ll be tired but the end results are endless and you’re only benefiting yourself whilst fighting the demons. Focusing on a few months down the line will help as I’m setting myself a challenge by getting dressed and getting out there. I’ve got dressed and not left the house and felt worse. The feeling of accomplishment is incredible and improving yourself is always a beneficial aspect.

Getting it done is the main thing and it doesn’t matter how long it takes you. When I was struggling a while ago, I mentioned that I was training for the London Marathon. My counsellor taught me back then that little steps achieve big goals. You’re not going to do it over night and taking it in stages is a huge thing.

That’s the way I look at things now and getting up at 5am for a run is tough. Whether it’s dry, raining or snowing, I know by getting out there I’m helping myself and getting a bit closer to that goal I’ve set myself. I’m lucky that I have a friend who’s supported me in training for these events. He’s trained for full and ultra marathons and he’s our mutual friend Karl Williams.

Karl has been a massive influence and inspiration into wanting to do these sort of things as it’s helped him through some very difficult times. He’s amazing for the coaching he’s done for me and his achievements have spurred me on.

I’ve always wanted to run a marathon from a young age and I had applied for the London Marathon many times over the years and when I was finally accepted was a huge thing for me. I was never going to pass this opportunity by and to get around 26.2 miles of London was one of my greatest achievements in life.

The aftermath for me was quite different as I didn’t have that goal anymore. I’d sign up for half marathons but only trained for 2 weeks before it until the time came where I realised I needed a long term goal so I applied for the London Marathon and did it again last year. After going through a divorce and everything I needed to get active and have a goal in life.

I had to feel better about myself and was lucky to get a place through the YMCA Charity. I had to raise £2000 which I did by doing different fundraising events and I followed a 16 week training programme until 6 weeks before as I was struggling mentally. I kept saying to myself that I’ll go tomorrow until the time came to go to London.

By the time I reached London, I’d still not run for 6 weeks. If you don’t believe me, check my Strava records. My parents were with me and in the hotel the night before so we got some food as my Dad said it was important to carb up for the marathon the next day. I said I wanted a Chinese and ate it.

Honestly without running for 6 weeks and eating a Chinese the night before I still run and completed the London Marathon.

Yes I was slower than I expected if I put in all the training. I was driven by the mindset that I could complete those 26.2 miles and when I was reaching the hard points of the run I kept thinking that I was doing this for not just the charity but for myself.

That second time was more enjoyable because I was more chilled and knew I had the self belief. I just think you have set goals to strive for and achieve.

I haven’t really told many people but I signed myself up for the Iron Man triathlon. I was supposed to do in September of this year but due to COVID-19 it’s been deferred until September 2021. I’ve never done a triathlon before but this a goal I’ve set myself to achieve.

Before training for this, I’ve never rode my Bike 112 miles and now I have to along with swimming and running. A year ago I couldn’t swim a length but now I’m enjoying it.

The training plan is awesome and I’m coming on in big strides. I’m not one to blow my own trumpet but I’m very driven when I set myself a goal. I can’t wait to get on that beach in September in Tenby and do it as I know within myself that I can complete it.

Again, it’s not arrogance it’s self belief at the end of the day. It proves to myself that I can do anything that I can set my mind to.
A positive mindset goes a long way and I haven’t rode my bike to swam that far before but since the marathon I’ve always wanted to a marathon but felt scared.

Now I know I have the drive to train, the support of others and then I saw my friend Ron Barwick complete it in 2019 and it inspired me so I decided to sign up.

From that moment on I decided to do it. 2021 is when it’s going to be and if anyone out there is struggling, trust me the exercise helps. Whether it’s running or walking even if it’s just 1km it helps. You know yourself Josh that it’s hard to get out there as I’ve gone on a few runs with you but you did it and you managed to complete a 5km race which was your goal.

It’s just massive and the goal is a big challenge. The hardest part is stopping during the run and starting again. I’m encouraging friends who’re running now and I tell them that once you’re out that front door, once you’re halfway on your loop it’s about having a positive mental approach. If you’re halfway there, you’re not only halfway done, you’re halfway home.

It’s all about putting a positive spin on it and that goes such a long way especially if you have a goal in sight. It’s just about how you think about it and I’d love to get back to playing football. It’s tough because of my shifts but I miss the team environment which is therapeutic as you can have a laugh but have a goal and desire to win.

I made the decision a few years back to avoid injuries whilst I was running but I do occasionally play for the Fire Service team. So if there is anyone looking for someone for their team, let me know.

Why do you think that there is a stigma associated with men’s mental health?

Obviously when we’ve been growing up, we’ve been told to just get on with things and “man up” was the classic old stereotypical coping mechanism. I just think it’s ignorance and the end of the day and years ago I was guilty of seeing things that way. I would tell people to “man up” and now I realise that wasn’t the way to be.

You don’t understand how people are suffering with that approach. Of course you don’t have to be this so called “macho man” and these days things are managed a bit differently.

Tyson Fury who’s the heavyweight champion of the world in Boxing has mental health issues and has been open about it. He’s arguably the toughest bloke in the world but he’s not ashamed to admit that he’s had his dark days and has opened up about them.

He’s overcome them and has fought back to win his world titles back. Everyone has dark days and it could be situational to their life at the time. It proves that no matter what way of life you lead, we all have our struggles. It’s a short term problem but mental health is more long term with the conditions included within it. It’s a combination of things which will grind you down.

Feeling like you’re a burden is one of them. I felt like ending it all because I felt like I was a problem for people. I didn’t want to speak to friends and family because they have their own problems. I’ve learned now that these problems are being dealt with the same way as you so it’s important to share as you can help each other.

It takes focus off one another as you’re both reaching a goal by speaking out before it’s too late. Once you’re gone it’s too late but sadly you’re seeing many people in the Valleys and other areas who’re sadly taking their own lives recently. There’s then people saying via social media that “all they had to do was talk to me”, it’s all well and good to say that but you have to reach out to them sometimes.

Sometimes people need people to approach them and that goes a long way. I would still say speak out because it goes a long way. It’s the best thing you’ll ever do because you will realise that you can speak out and people are there who care about you.

Just speak to someone you know or trust or even a stranger, just do it. I’m only a message away and I can point you in the right directions.

It’s just about knowing it’s ok to talk and the irony behind your blog name is proof. Boys do cry and if you don’t, all that anger and sadness builds up. Going back to the coke bottle companion, you’re being shaken by holding it in until something small and trivial will make you explode which is your breaking point.

Mine was similar as I was battling on, years before the divorce but I’ve found myself, I have an amazing partner who was incredible kids of her own. Of course I have my two little legends who I love dearly and have my dream job. I’m not where I want to be but I’m a hell of a lot better off where I was before.

What would you say to someone who is struggling and doesn’t know if talking about it is the right thing to do?

I know a lot of people don’t like to share their problems because they’re dear to them and personal. I myself had that mentality for a long time. All I can say is that if you are struggling, reach out and speak to someone. Write out a message via text or WhatsApp and hit send as however stupid you think it is, someone on the other end will realise you need their help.

Don’t type it and delete it or ring someone and change your mind by saying you’ve rang them to see how they are. Speak to anyone to be honest. My inbox is open and I can give the name and number of my counsellor. He was class and it was needed during the scariest time of my life and he was incredible in helping me on the road to the better days.

I can’t reiterate enough how it’s helped me overcome the bad days. I see them as lessons and what positive or negative points came from them. There’s certain charities with free phone numbers which will help. I know I’m not a burden and there’s still days that I feel like one but I know my friends and family are there to help.

People are there whether it’s someone you know or you don’t. Speak to somebody as that will be the making of you and will help you towards a healthy mindset. Trust me you won’t regret it.

I’m very proud of the ways that Christian has responded to the dark points of his life. He realised his self worth and that he could use that to better himself and set good examples for those around him. He’s certainly come a long way since he hit rock bottom and although he’s gone through some very difficult points, his positivity and drive to get through is incredible.

He realised that it’s ok to open up and talk. Yes he felt like a burden but when you’re in that mindset, negativity will be more influential than positivity. He got to the point where he reached breaking point but compare to where he is now, he deserves a lot of credit.

I know his determination will guide him through the challenges he’s currently facing. He’s an incredible father to two lovely kids who love him as much as he loves them. When you’re out with Christian, he speaks so much of them and if I ever have kids, if I’m half the father he is, I know I’ve done well.

His approach to running and knowing how beneficial it is was influential to me when I started. Our mutual friend Karl Williams is a huge factor in both of our training regimes for when we’ve done events and Christian has used that to guide him even further. I have no doubt he’s going to smash the Iron Man triathlon and wish him nothing but the best for it.

He’s also achieved his dream of becoming a Firefighter. He put in a lot of work and when he reached the end goal, you could see the joy on his face. It proves to show that if you put in the graft, anything is possible.

He’s a credit to himself, his partner Megan, his children, the rest of his family, his friends and colleagues. I proud to call him a mate and will definitely pop to Bridgend to see him for a pint when things are a bit better due to the pandemic.

Thank you once again to him for speaking to me. I will post the details for his counsellor at the end of this post if anyone feels the need to explore any help that’s on offer.

Massive thanks goes as always to any of you who’ve read this post. This is going to be my final post of 2020 but I’m definitely going to be back in the New Year with more blog posts from both a personal point of view and sharing stories from more incredible people.

Have a Merry Christmas where I hope you get to spend it with those who matter the most. It’s been a shit year and spending time with our loved ones is well overdue. Have a happy new year as well as hopefully 2021 will be the start of better days for all of us.

Take care, stay safe and until next time it’s not goodbye, it’s more of a see you later!

Alex Drummond Counselling

Website – www.talkmebetter.co.uk

Phone – 07730 592549