Chapter 38 – Has It Been A Year Already?!

By the time I put this blog post for all to see, it will be 364 days since I first posted my very first entry. To know I’m one day off the first anniversary since I started this journey is mind boggling as it is an incredible feeling.

The more I write, the more determined I am to spread a more positive message about mental health. Whether it’s a personal post or one where I chat to someone sharing their story, the aim is to show that opening up about your struggles is never a bad thing.

I’ve learned so much with this blog via the research I’ve put into the posts where I’ve shared my own experiences as well as some of the information shared by those I’ve chatted to. I’ve said this before, it’s a long journey but it’s worth going on it as it does help you in so many ways.

Going back to the 28th April 2020 when I posted the original blog entry, I was so nervous. It was during the first few weeks of the original lockdown and I had the post along with a few others saved in my phone for a few months and just kept putting it off.

I saw people doing creative things like crafts, Tik Tok videos, baking and other things in order to pass the time as there was nothing to do for quite a lot of the time. I was furloughed from work and just thought about what I felt I was good at and writing popped into my head.

When I was in school, creative writing was something I loved doing. I even went on to do a year of journalism in University and always found that writing about things I felt passionate about was enjoyable and fulfilling. It definitely gave me a creative spark and after things didn’t quite work out for me in Uni, I put off writing for many years until I really struggled with my mental health.

As part of my recovery from the real dark periods I had been in, I was recommended to take notes on my feelings and thought processes in order to reflect on and grow from. What I realised was that they were more coherent in terms of a story than being in note form. From that point I started looking into blogging by reading articles and reading other blogs based on mental health.

Like I said before, I kept holding back on taking the plunge on posting them. I’d even signed up to WordPress and set up my account but just couldn’t bring myself to post them. I spent a lot of time thinking whether it was a good or bad thing to do and what people would think.

The feelings were similar to the ones I had towards Facebook post I put up in 2019 where I opened up about my struggles. That was a short summary in comparison as the blog post revealed more details about my struggles and the low points I reached.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve always been an over thinker and a pessimist. One thing I hate is focusing on what people think if I do something. It’s something I’m still working on but it’s so frustrating as it is hindering when I want to do something.

Like any situation where I’m doing something which would require me to show confidence, whilst thinking things over I was constantly second guessing myself. I’ve said many times that I’m a notorious over thinker and the doubts were well and truly trying to take control. Even though this was something I put a lot of thought into, I still couldn’t help but think of the worst case scenarios.

I’d think that people would make fun of me or not take me seriously. In some ways I can tie this to the old stigma surrounding men’s mental health. Not so much that I was afraid of opening up but that fear of being judged. It’s something that I’m still working on but I hate when I put something off based on what others would think about it.

It’s easy to say this and it takes time and effort to do but with all the negativity going on in my mind, I decided to focus on the positives. I was in a better place in comparison to when I was at my lowest. I’d also cut out a lot of negative people in my life and those people would have been the ones I’d have been afraid of being judged by.

Eventually, I suppose a “fuck it” type of approach took over. If people didn’t like it, fair enough as you can’t please everyone. Those who know me will know I went through a lot of problems and I consulted with them when I was planning the blog. Some read a draft and they all agreed it was a good move. The general consensus was that it would be relatable as well as a sign of solidarity against the stigmas surrounding mental health.

Plenty of research and planning went into the blog beforehand so I knew by being open and upfront about my struggles, some people would relate to it. The whole aim of this blog is to show that there’s no shame in opening up and that doesn’t have to be by “going public” like this. Even if you open up to a family member, you’ll do yourself a massive favour.

In a sort of selfish way, it was also filled a creative void that I hadn’t had for a few years. When I was writing the initial drafts, time flew by as my thoughts and emotions were coming out in a healthy and constructive way. Once I gathered all of these thoughts together, I knew I had to post this blog.

When I eventually uploaded it from WordPress onto my Facebook page, I put my phone on silent, left it in the kitchen and went into the living room. I did try to distract myself by watching a quiz show but my parents could tell that my mind was elsewhere. They kept asking me if everything was ok and I kept saying “yeah, I’m fine” and changing the subject.

Eventually my Dad turned off the telly and put me on the spot to tell him. I hadn’t told my parents about the blog until now, again due to a fear out of what they’d think. Turned out that despite it not being their way of going about it, they told me to go for it but be careful with it being out there for all to see.

At that point, I went to get my phone to check the response and I couldn’t believe what I found. The response was incredible. I had texts, DM’s, shares, comments and likes all responding in such a positive way and it floored me to be honest. It was overwhelming in the best possible way as people I didn’t expect to read it was getting in touch giving me props for writing it.

Anyone who knows me will know I don’t deal with compliments well. I either shy away from it or act like I don’t appreciate it when in fact it means the world to me. The DM’s I had from people offering support or saying how much they could relate to it was incredible. There was a genuine sense of acceptance felt about this experience not just on a personal level but for men’s mental health.

I know there’s many other blokes who blog, do videos or podcasts about this topic but like the message says, the more we talk about it, the more we can eliminate this stigma. The lockdown period was so tough for many people and mental health was something which definitely suffered as a result of life changing so quickly.

By posting that blog post and the ones which followed showed that just by being open whether it was in a public platform such as that or in a more private setting was the best way for dealing with these issues. On a personal note, it was a huge weight off my shoulders as it showed I was 100% committed to fight not just the stigma but my own struggles which still has a hold on me from time to time.

The incredible response gave me the encouragement to continue the blog. I decided to post a new one every Tuesday but promised myself that if I ever felt the need to post for the sake of posting or write something that didn’t feel right, I would stop and take a break. By doing that I knew that I would only write something that meant a lot to me and also promoted something that was authentic and relatable.

The following weeks, I continued to post content which included details of my past including my experiences at the hands of childhood bullies, weight and image issues, the negative sides of social media, coping with difficult situations and further experiences I had with the stigma surrounding mental health and the fear of opening up.

One huge benefit of doing these blogs is that it’s a never ending learning experience. Whilst doing the research I would come across facts, stories and statistics which took me by surprise as well as further educating me about mental health.

For example, in the UK there’s an average of 18 cases of suicide per day and it’s the biggest killer of men under the age of 45. Also, 1 in 3 men experience suicidal thoughts as a result of feeling stressed and only 1 in 4 men felt confident enough to speak about their troubles to friends and family.

By doing this research I came across some fantastic initiatives and organisations which supported mental health in the UK. When I started doing this, I’d only ever really heard of Mind and Samaritans as the former was behind the counselling sessions I had during my own struggles when they came to a head in 2019 and last year.

There’s some fantastic organisations out there such as Anxiety UK, PAPYRUS, SHOUT, Heads Above The Waves and many more where there’s some incredible people who offer support and guidance in times of need. Each organisation have their own means of the way they support but all have a shared aim in highlighting just how important it is for us to seek help.

I’ve contacted Anxiety UK myself on some occasions and some of the coping techniques and conversations I’ve had with them has been so helpful. They understand what I’m going through because the people on the other end of the phone have been through similar situations. The fact that they’re taking time to speak to me and help so many others on a daily basis is truly incredible and that goes to anyone else who works and/or volunteers for an organisation like this.

In past blog posts, I’ve mentioned that the original aim was to do a podcast but along with the finances required to get the equipment as well as lacking the confidence to record myself, so it didn’t happen. Also, I always felt more passionate about writing so a blog felt more natural to me.

One thing I thought about a lot with the podcast idea was speaking to other people about their experiences should they feel comfortable in doing so. When the podcast idea was put to one side and the blog idea went forward, after a few posts I thought to myself “how can I interview people for the blog?”. We were still in a lockdown so I couldn’t meet up with people so I had to think of a way of getting around this roadblock and then it hit me.

I listen to many podcasts whilst out on my walks. I find it therapeutic to stick the earphones in whilst on a walk and to listen to a few tunes or a podcast and when I was listening to them, I found that instead of interviewing people in person, they were using video calling and recording the convos through there. I had already started using Zoom like so many others for video calls with groups of friends so then I the plan got rolling.

I then figured out that if I spoke to people on Zoom via my iPad, I could record the conversation on my phone and then type it up. Once I realised that was the way forward, there was one more thing to do, ask people if they would like to speak to me for the blog. I had people in mind from the beginning, going from people I know who’ve gone through difficult times and people who work with mental health organisations or have raised money for them.

So far I’ve spoken to 24 people and have many more to speak to and each story is just as inspirational and important as the other. It proves that no matter what way of life we lead, anyone can have their struggles.

Starting with my friend Alicia Ewington who works for PAPYRUS, she took me through her own journey and how her confidence was at an all time low but had the strength to find a way back. Alicia also gave me more info on PAPYRUS and the incredible work they do in helping to prevent suicide in young people.

As it went on, I spoke to other great people I know like Davzie Matthews who raised a great amount of money for MIND and is one of the most understanding and genuinely nice people I have the pleasure of knowing.

I also learned more about people’s experiences with things like body image issues and the push for body positivity when I spoke to Bethan Rees and Carys Wigley.
Carys also opened up on how she coped as a student in her university studies and changing from growing up in the valleys to then living in a huge city in Cardiff.

There was also my friend Ross who’s responded incredibly to his mental health issues after workplace bullying to doing a job he loves and is now a father. My old colleague Saima Tabassum who is an accomplished blogger in her own right via her own mental health journey is an inspiration to me as she is a huge credit to herself.

There’s people I’ve known for many years like Martyn Phillips who’s gone from hitting rock bottom due to addiction and is now studying psychology in university. My old mate Kevin Morgan, who’s fighting the stigma surrounding men’s mental health and is a bloody legend for doing so.

Like I said, none of these stories are the same but there’s one common theme, mental health. All the people I spoke struggled so much but via the help from the doctors, mental health organisations as well as support networks from family and friends, have responded fantastically to find themselves in a healthier mindset. They’re not afraid to open up, they accept there’s good and bad days but at the same time have developed techniques to come back fighting and not let the darkness win.

The more I spoke to these people, the more they inspired me. One of my closest mates James Williams proves the point I made before which is that no matter what job or background you have, we can all go through bad times. He is doing the job he loves which is an airline pilot and during lockdown he feared he’d lose that job. Thankfully he hasn’t but he knew he could speak to me and other friends as well as family. He’s a credit to himself as well as those who know and love him.

Christian Aldridge proved that you can go through some awful times on a personal level and have the strength to do a really difficult job in being a firefighter and seek help when you need it. All of these people I’ve had a pleasure of knowing at various points of my life and they’ve helped me immensely along this journey and I hope they know I’m here for them anytime as well.

Friendships have been formed with people, I didn’t know that well or even not at all whilst doing this. Carys Wigley, I only knew of through friends but I noticed her opening up via her social media and reached out and I can now say she’s a really good friend.

Robert Percy I met through social media groups we’re in as we’re both huge wrestling and music fans. He opened up about his challenges both professionally in his job as a journalist as well as a personal level.

The more I wrote, the more confident I felt. This is truly a passion project so I thought I was able to try and reach out to people I wouldn’t have dreamt of speaking to before. Sean Smith is a musician and podcaster I have respected and admired for well over 15 years. I messaged him after hearing his story about how he deal with things after the breakup of his former band, The Blackout.

He co hosts ‘Sappenin’ Podcast’ and on there he shared his story and has built up a fantastic following with amazing guests on the show. He’s also in a fantastic new band in Raiders, who’s drummer Chris “Stixx” Davies also shared his amazing story regarding his love for music and his battles with mental health.

I was shocked and overjoyed to find that Sean that said yes when I asked him to see if he was keen to speak to me for the blog. It was around that time I joined the podcast’s Patreon community which supports the pod and met an amazing group of people. I’ve met some awesome and selfless people through it and Sean paid tribute to them in his chat to me as well as opening up about his love for music, comedy and his own struggles.

His co host Morgan Richards is proof that you can follow your ambitions and do what you’ve grown up loving as a job. He’s a fantastic journalist who covers Pro Wrestling and has experience working with and interviewing musicians at Radio Cardiff and is now smashing it with ‘Sappenin’’. He’s also had his own issues with mental health and has gone through the bad times, to come out fighting and show that negativity will never win.

He also said the support from the Patreon community has helped him massively. Through that I met and got friendly with TJ Ambler-Shattock who’s made the jump to finish a job he hated to live his dream of training as a barber. Lockdown effected him massively as his job was on hold but his love for music as well his family and the support he knew he had helped him massively. By realising that he knew he wasn’t going to get through this alone but also had the ambition to do it for himself as well.

Jonny Owen is an actor, writer, radio host and a fellow Valleys Boy who I’ve been a fan of for many years. To speak to him was an incredible experience as Jonny is a top top storyteller and has never forgotten his roots as he speaks about his upbringing and love for his hometown of Merthyr Tydfil via his social media. The chat with him was insightful as he opened up on the challenges he’s faced in this career.

My friend and former colleague Dani Hewitt has overcome mental health setbacks, sexism and other hurdles to become a teacher, lecturer, promoter for concerts and so many other things. Her chat was another huge learning experience for me as she’s been through so much yet has the desire to do well for herself and for that she deserves all the best.

Most of the chats have a section where they talk about how the lockdown has effected their lives whether it’s on a personal level or work related. Musicians are definitely people who’s lives have changed massively as their whole means of promoting themselves through gigs was taken away. Sarah Brown’s blog chat was incredible as I learned just how important music is to someone but also how the industry being impacted by the pandemic was a blow to her job.

There’s awesome people who’ve bounced back like Keely Simmonds who went through unimaginable pain through her battle with anorexia and mental health from a young age to now be at a point where she’s campaigning for MIND. Elizabeth Jones is using her experiences of having ADHD and BPD to advocate for more understanding of these conditions which is incredible.

David Jones went through bullying and self confidence issues to now doing his own YouTube channel based on fitness challenges. If that’s not overcoming a bad period of mental wellbeing, I don’t know what is.

Same goes for Luke Jones and his ‘Start The Conversation’ page on social media. He’s even been on the news campaigning for more acceptance towards mental health and the issues surrounding how easy it is for it just to be tended to with medication.

Si Martin stated an organisation in Heads Above The Waves based on his own experiences with mental health and self harming as well as his love for punk rock. Now he and Hannah his partner in the organisation speak to schools, have workshops and even a store where they sell fantastic merchandise all based on the great message they promote. The more people I speak to, the more I realise that the fight is being fought on a wide scale.

We all have our own means of fighting the stigmas and our own inner demons but we’re all together in this battle. Mental Health is as important as physical health and knowing it’s ok to seek help will only benefit you. The people I’ve spoken to over the past year as well my own research has helped me understand things more clearly and that this is a constant learning experience.

I know I will have my struggles ahead and not every day will be good one but I know going to bed will mean when I wake up the next morning, it’s a fresh start.

“Control Your Narrative” is a saying I push a lot and the people I’ve chatted to are key to that. If you want to do something you love or feel passionate about, do it! Cutting toxic people out of your life will aid you but also speaking about your problems to a caring person or group of people is massively beneficial.

Whether it’s a friend, family or a professional, you will realise you’re not alone. So many have been in this situation where they feel alone and there’s no way back, myself included and if it wasn’t for a dear friend reaching out I dare to imagine where I’d be right now. That’s why it’s also just as important we check on one another. Drop a friend a message, phone them even.

I’ve gone for walks with friends as the guidelines have allowed and it’s reassuring to have that contact. Human interaction is more addictive than a drug for so many and I count myself as one of those people.

I hate being on my own for too long and I’ve been told I can talk for Wales but I love a conversation. My friends and family I have now are there because I know they’re there for me and the sentiment is mutual.

This blog helps me massively, I hope it’s helped many others. It was never a self adulation ploy so even if just one person has read these posts and feels comfortable to seek help, that would mean the world because it’s a life saved. I keep saying we’re in this together and we are. We will win and one day this stigma surrounding mental health will hopefully be a relic, something of the past as we go on.

Thank you to everyone who’s been on this journey with me so far. Whether you’ve read it, shared a post, DM’d me or spoke to me for the blog, I couldn’t have done this without you.

You’re the reason I keep doing this and your support means so much to me. The blog has been read all over the world in places I couldn’t imagine like across Europe, America, Asia and beyond. It’s mind boggling that a bloke from South Wales has reached that far but thank you nonetheless.

My friends and family, I love you all. You’ve been there for me whether it’s over a beer, video/phone call, a walk or WhatsApp group and I’m there for you no matter what. I’m forever grateful for having you in my life.

It’s an age old cliche but my fiancée is my rock. She’s incredible and I don’t know where I’d be without her. The last 3 years has challenging for her to say the least but I love her more than anything and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her. She’a going to hate me for mentioning and hates the attention but she is the best thing to ever happen to me.

This would be the 38th entry or “chapter” of this blog I’ve written and believe me this is not the end. Whether it’s a personal piece or sharing a story of another incredible person, there’s a lot more to come. There’s so much more I want to do and the coming days, months and years excite me. I know I’ll have my dark clouds some days but the sunshine will break through and I’ll carry on.

Thank you once again. I’ve posted links and info for some of the organisations I’ve spoken about so if you wish to access them, they’re at the bottom of this post.

Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved. The feeling of letting off that weight on your shoulders is the beginning to better days. Stay safe, take care and until next time don’t think of this as a goodbye, but more of a see you later!

MIND – www.mind.org.uk
029 2039 5123 (Phone)

PAPYRUS – www.papyrus-uk.org/
0800 068 4141 (Phone) 07860 039 967 (Text)

Samaritans – www.samaritans.org
116 123 (Phone)

Anxiety UK – www.anxietyuk.org.uk
03444 775 774 (Phone)
07537 416 905 (Text)

Heads Above The Waves – http://www.hatw.co.uk