I like to think that in the present day, it’s a much better place for men to speak about their problems, especially mental health. Compared to even a few years ago, some huge steps have been taken to encourage us blokes to open up.

While we have done a much better job of reducing the stigma and expanding opportunities for support, men still may be experiencing shame, guilt and other negative feelings that could lead to them being less willing to ask for help.

75% of all suicides are male, which works out at an average of 84 men a week that take their own lives. Numerous studies show that men find it difficult to talk about their issues but why is this? It all stems from the age old belief that “men don’t cry” and that we should show strength. A lot of men fall prey to the ideology that we should fix our own problems. This has passed through the generations and still has a hold on many of us to this day.

It’s very hard for anyone to realise that they have a problem. I myself have even felt that admitting that I have issues with my mental health is a sign of weakness. And after doing some research, I’ve found that it’s not just asking for help that men struggle with.

Many studies have shown that males have more difficulty in establishing social connections. This is believed to have stemmed from years of influence from the “strong, quite masculine” men we’ve seen in films. As many would find that an appropriate role model to aspire to be, it can also be dysfunctional and misleading.

This model of masculinity can be seen as an important factor as to why men underreport symptoms of mental illness. It can also contribute to increased rates of depression, anxiety and can mislead us down some dark paths.

As I’ve previously touched on in previous posts, I used to mask my issues with “The Front”. I’d pretend everything was ok, I’d smile, make a joke and on nights out I’d drink heavily. Even to the point where I’d black out and have limited memory of what happened. This was my way of escaping and thankfully I’ve now realised that it was very dangerous and unhealthy way of dealing with my issues.

I’d also be guilty of comparing myself to others. I would look at a friend or family member and think “well he’s not struggling so why am I?”. I’d see these people being happy so I stupidly would then accept a path of repressing my feelings and forcing myself to appear in good spirits and when I would struggle in social situations I would drink more.

My example is proof that when people are struggling with depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions aren’t embracing healthy coping resources, they may turn to alcohol and other drugs as a way to numb the pain. I can honestly say that I’ve never gone beyond alcohol but unfortunately a lot of us do use other means of coping with our problems especially drugs.

This can lead us down a very dangerous way of life and the reliance on these substances can turn to addiction and further erratic behaviour. Sadly mental health issues can very quickly manifest into physical issues, especially when people are self-treating with alcohol and other substances. This proves to show that mental health goes hand in hand with physical health, so our overall wellness can be effected.

Don’t forget that there is a lighter path which is more successful. That of course is opening up and talking about our problems. As I’ve previously mentioned whether it’s a friend, family member or a professional, there is help for us out there. There’s no shame in admitting that we are struggling and it’s the first and one of the most important steps to getting healthier.

No one is immune to stress. Talking with others about how it is affecting you can foster empathy, camaraderie, and support. All of which fight against the feelings of isolation on which mental health issues can thrive on. Awareness and education are key and I’ve found this on a personal level. The more of us that talk, the less of us will hide our problems.

I’ve even experienced it on a personal level. There’s been situations where my Father has been upset and whilst trying to talk about what was bothering him, he would reply with “I shouldn’t have to say” and that I should be opening up to him and not the other way around.

I was nearly heartbroken to see my Dad with this type of mindset. Thankfully, he’s made many big steps since and is now in a much better place. Every now and then, me and him sit down a have a chat about how things are. The good thing now is that if anything is bothering us, we talk about it.

If you’re worried that someone you care about may be struggling, or you think that you yourself need help, look for these signs that indicate a need for assistance:

1. Change in mood
2. Difference in work performance
3. Weight change
4. Sadness, hopelessness, or avoiding things that provide enjoyment such as social situations.

If you recognise any of these symptoms in a loved one, many health organisations recommend reminding them that asking for help can be a sign of strength rather than weakness. It shows you have the self belief and desire to get fight the problem head on with the right levels of support with you.

There is hope. Help is available. Educate yourself about yours or a loved one’s mental health issues. To treat this problem, we must get the message across that it’s ok to ask for help, whether for yourself, your loved ones, or anyone you think may need it.

And for those who have overcome mental health obstacles in their own lives, don’t be afraid to share your own stories. Sometimes reducing stigma means being willing to talk about the times we’ve needed to ask for help ourselves.That has been the whole aim for this blog. The whole point was for it to help people in similar and even worse situations. I’ve had friends and even people I’ve never met message me asking for advice regarding their issues and hopefully this will encourage them to start the path towards a better and healthier mindset.

If a blog is not be the preferred route for you, there’s other things to try. Even if it’s a long, detailed chat, sharing our stories is essential in showing that the stigma is getting smaller as the days go by.

It honestly is a huge feeling of relief after I’ve spoken to someone. It really does feel like a weight has been lifted and further directs me to a much better and healthier mindset. There is no shame in it, and although it took me a while to accept that I needed help, I can say that it pretty much saved my life because bottling it up wasn’t helping me or my loved ones.

Thank you once again for taking the time out of your day to give this a read. Remember, you’re not alone, we’re in this together and we will get through as a team. If you’re reading this and would like to talk about anything that you feel is bothering you, don’t hesitate to message me on any of my social media sites.

I’ve also posted a few contact numbers and websites which also provide fantastic support. As the old saying goes “it’s ok to not be ok” and I encourage you to seek help as it’s going to be one of the best things you’ll ever do.

Stay safe, take care and I’ll see you soon.

Samaritans – https://www.samaritans.org/?nation=wales or telephone 116 123

NHS – https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/ or telephone your local GP.

Mind – https://www.mind.org.uk/ or telephone 0300 123 3393

I’ve found that there’s many ways aside from Medication which helps me with my anxiety and depression. Of course the tablets I’m on do help, but there’s so many avenues to explore. Many of which help me to calm down in stressful and difficult situations.

The first thing and obvious thing to do is talk about my problems. Whether it’s a friend or family member, opening up is a huge and healthy step to make. As I’ve previously mentioned, these days I find it a lot harder to hide my problems, which of course is a lot better than putting on a front and bottling up my feelings.

Those who I do confide in reassure me that I’m doing the right thing and help me as best as they can. Once I get past that hurdle, I get everything out in the open. It feels like a massive weight has been lifted from me. It also helps me realise that not talking about my problems is very unhealthy and will do a lot more harm than good.

Once a week, I have a long chat on the phone with my best friend. He’s had his issues over the years with depression and anxiety and we do make sure we confide in each other and use the time to make sure that everything is in the open and try our best to cheer each other up. It’s good for the both of us. Unfortunately due to work commitments we don’t see each other as much as we like to so the weekly phone call is the best we can do. I’m very grateful to have him as my best friend and honestly consider him like more of a brother.

As I’ve previously mentioned, my fiancée is very good at noticing if I’m anxious or feeling low. At this point I know it’s just safer for both of us to just talk instead of bottling it up. She brings out the best in me and can honestly say that she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Of course talking to my fiancé, friends and family help especially as they know me the best but I do feel that speaking to someone that I didn’t know helped a lot. By this I mean a professional whether it was a Doctor or counsellor.

When I made my first steps to get help a few years ago, I was scared which of course was completely normal but I knew I was doing the right thing. The doctor was fantastic and helped me understand how the medication would help whilst guiding me to the necessary steps I would need to take.

These of course are the NHS’s “5 Steps To Mental Wellbeing.” Trying these things are ways to help feel more positive and get the most out of life. They are…

1. Connect With Other People – Promotes that good relationships are very important, build a sense of belonging, provide opportunities to share experiences and teaches me how to provide support for others.

2. Be Physically Active – Being active doesn’t just have to be great and benefit your physical health and to keep fit but helps us set goals and achieve them. Most importantly it assists the chemical changes in the brain which helps with a positive mood.

3. Learn New Skills – By learning something new it can improve us mentally by giving our self confidence a massive boost. It also gives us a sense of purpose whilst also helping to interact with us others especially if it’s in a team environment.

4. Give To Others – Acts of giving and kindness can give us positive feelings whilst giving us a sense of purpose, self worth and once more helping others by connecting with them.

5. Pay Attention To The Present Moment (Mindfulness) – Giving the present moment more attention can help us enjoy life more and understand ourselves more. This included our thoughts, feelings and the world around us.

By using these steps, it assisted me to get my life in a much better order. It helped me gain more confidence in myself towards my personal and professional lives. And I did this in different ways.

The Doctor recommended counselling through Mind, the well known mental health charity. My sessions helped me understand what I was going through was an illness and as important as my physical health. The counsellor taught me breathing exercises which helped me at my most anxious and stressful moments. Deep intakes and slow exhales for a few minutes do wonders for me and provide a much calmer mindset.

I was also advised to write down my thoughts and feelings. Initially this was in a notepad and the workbooks which was provided for me. I continued doing this after my sessions ended which ended up with the blog that you’re now reading. It isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but looking back on what I wrote, makes me realise how much of a better place I’m in compared to where I was a few years ago.

The main thing I took out of my sessions was that I opened up to someone I didn’t know. Although I appreciate everyone I know who’s been there for me, it was different in a positive way because this person was a trained professional who’s also been through challenging times in their own right.

I also didn’t already have a connection with this person who although they cared, wasn’t saddened or shocked by my situation. These sort of sessions normally last for up to an hour but the time flies by because once you get into it and your feelings and thoughts are out in the open

Another way that I find which helps me gain a more clear way of thinking is going for a walk. I try to go for a good 30 minute to 1 hour walk a day. On this walk I put my earphones in and listen to a podcast or some music and the fresh air does wonders.

This ties into the “Be Active” step that I mentioned earlier. I’m getting some exercise whilst being in a much calmer environment. It’s an old cliche I know but it really is as good for the mind as it is for the legs. The lockdown period really helped me appreciate it more as it was the only time I could go out and I made the most of it by walking up to 5-10 miles at times.

Since last September I’ve also taken up running. This is something I now look back on as one of the best decisions that I’ve ever made as for me it’s the most effective means of exercise and a great way to get and stay fit. My friend who’s a running coach started me on a training programme of which I’ve stuck to. After a few weeks I realised that not only was I enjoying it but my running times and overall performance was improving.

It was at that point that I decided to sign up for the Nos Galan 5km Road Race which is held on every New Years Eve in a nearby village. Thousands of people take part and it was always something I wanted to do but didn’t have the confidence to think that I could complete it. I also realised that it gave me a goal and a sense of achievement to aim for.

I was very determined to complete the race and continued my training. Instead of staying in and watch TV, I was using my free time productively and getting fitter in doing so. I also decided to raise money for a charity so created a Just Giving page and printed sponsor forms. This furthered the idea of a goal to aim for plus I was raising money for a fantastic cause which in this case was Dementia UK. My Grandfather unfortunately has dementia and I decided to run the race in his honour.

On the night of the race I was really nervous. Seeing the amount of people in the crowd and the fellow runners was a bit overwhelming from training in a near empty sports centre running around the streets. It helped massively that my fiancée was watching on from the crowd and it gave me a boost that someone was in the crowd. It turned out that some friends had come to watch and whilst I was running I saw them and it felt great to hear them cheering me on.

The end result was me completing the race and in my best ever time over a 5km distance. I was relieved, overjoyed and very proud of myself considering 12 months earlier I was in a much darker place. I also raised nearly £500 via the friends and family who sponsored me for a charity which was very dear to me and my family.

This further helped me in a mental sense of wellbeing because I set a goal and achieved it. In a smaller way, going for a walk, targeting a 5km or 10km and achieving it very satisfactory and puts me in a much more positive frame of mind. I would recommend both forms of exercise as it is very rewarding and is puts you in a much better state of health in a physical and mental standpoint.

I also find that reading is a very productive thing for me. I used to read a lot when I was younger and was encouraged to do so again when I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I’ve always enjoyed autobiographies of famous sports stars and stories of great sports teams, so I started reading again and even now I’m going through 2-4 books a month.

As I previously mentioned, reading is a very productive thing for me and keeps my mind focused on learning new information instead of dwelling on my thoughts and being in a negative frame of mind.

The same process goes for when I’m listening to music. I mainly listen to rock music and found that the heavier the music, the more calming it is for me. I do listen to more chilled stuff like acoustic now and then as well but especially if I’m out running, heavy music is very motivating for me.

I know a lot of people have different ways to help them cope but by reading this some of you may feel some or maybe all of the factors may suit you. Out of all of what I’ve mentioned I would highly advise walking or running. It’s very rewarding both physically and mentally and gives you a great sense of achievement the further you go.

Remember to keep talking. Whether it’s a friend, family member or a professional, there are plenty of people available who care and will help you. The road to better mental wellbeing is a long one and although I’m a long way from where I want to be, I know I’m miles away from where I was and I’m very grateful for it.

There are some links below of to some websites which provide amazing to support for anyone struggling with their Mental Health. Please give them click and a read.
Thank you once again for reading. Hope you’re all staying safe and taking care. Until next time, see you later!

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/

https://www.mind.org.uk/

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/improve-mental-wellbeing/

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/

As we’re all aware, the World is a very crazy and uncertain place at the moment. The Covid-19 Pandemic has had a huge impact on our day to day lives whether it’s the routines we follow, meeting with friends and family or going to work.

Currently I’m on furlough leave from my job. My normal routine from Monday to Friday is to wake up at 6am, get the train to work, start at 8:30, finish at 5:30 and get the return train home. Like many others, that routine has been on hold for the past 8 weeks and had some level of an effect on me.

When the initial Lockdown announcement was made by the Government I didn’t really react much to it. I knew I couldn’t go anywhere but unlike a lot of people I wasn’t panicking, I was quite calm. For the first few days it felt like any usual period of leave you take, I felt rested and used my chance to partake in a daily dose of exercise by means of a walk or a run. However as the days started going by, I noticed changes in myself. I guess reality hit me.

First of all, a huge realisation was that I couldn’t see my fiancée. Unfortunately we’re currently not living together as I’m still with my parents and she’s with hers. We live about half an hour away from each other and as per the guidelines we can’t meet or stay over each other’s houses as usual.

The first couple of days felt like times where we’ve taken individual trips away with friends or the odd day here and there where we’ve been busy with work and other commitments but I started missing her and the longer this has gone on I have to admit that I’ve struggled without her.

Unlike some people, we’re sensible enough to realise that there are health and safety risks not just to ourselves but our families if we did decide to meet up so that was and still is never an option. Unfortunately, I’m asthmatic as well as my Dad so it’s a no brainer to even contemplate that.

We talk on the phone or message each other and it helps to an extent. We even took part in a virtual quiz with friends the other day but after they end for a brief period I just feel awful. I’ve cried at times and whilst I’ve been upset, the more I miss her, the worse I feel. It’s a case of overthinking during an already negative experience but I do use the breathing techniques to help when I’m feeling upset and eventually assists me in calming down.

I’ve been honest in speaking to her about my struggles and she’s done likewise with hers. Sometimes we don’t like the answers but we have to accept that the current climate isn’t ideal for a lot of us. We’re a team and we love each other at our best and worst and even though we’re in different houses, we can get through this together. This isn’t going to last forever and each day gone is another closer to seeing her.

I’ve always said she brings out the best in me and in previous posts I said she’s the best thing to ever happen to me. If anything this has made me more determined to get a house with her and plan for the future. That’s the main thing that’s getting me through this and even typing this brings a smile to my face because I’m so excited to do this with her.

Another struggle I’ve had is whilst I’ve been out running. For nearly a year now, I run a few times a week. I find it’s as good for the mind as it is for the legs and eventually I partook in my first ever 5k road race on New Years Eve. During the lockdown, I’ve attempted to keep up with my running but unfortunately I’ve experienced a few anxiety attacks.

I can usually do 5-7km but after a short distance, I terrible feeling like someone is grabbing me by my chest and I become so worried. I catch my breath and feel terribly on edge. It’s an awful feeling and I’m sure there’s many of you who know about this and how bad it is. Eventually after a while it stops but if I do try to start running again, the feeling comes back and I’m back to square one.

The only thing I can put it down to is the social distancing measures. When I’m out for a walk. I find that I have more time to assess where I am and it’s easier to keep your distance from people. When I’m running, my thought process is already on the goal of where I want to be in terms of the training I’m doing and not keeping far away from people.

For now I’ve put my running on hold. I am still going for walks, I do listen to a podcast and/or music whilst walking and find it helps. I’ve never used the whilst running as it doesn’t help me focus. I’m still getting a good amount of exercise, adhering to the social distancing guidelines and feeling a lot calmer in doing so. Once the lockdown has been lifted and we have more clarity on the health and safety aspects, I will resume my training as it’s such an enjoyable activity for me.

My sleep patterns have also been all over the place. I struggle to get to sleep and won’t drop off until 3-4am. I get up as I usually would on a day off around 9:30-10am but I find that I feel more tired in the afternoons. If I do have a nap, I’d be even worse in the nights.

I do try to keep myself busy around the house. For example I help my parents with the chores, go for a walk, do the food shopping etc but the lack of the usual Monday – Friday routine of a busy day at work clearly wasn’t the same as this. For now I just try to not relax properly until the evening. Hard I know when I run out of things to do but I have to get some sort of structure in.

I guess this whole situation has made us appreciate the things we take for granted. I even miss going into work. I have fantastic camaraderie with my colleagues, enjoy and appreciate my job so not having that to go to is a struggle but I know sooner rather than later I’ll be coming home after another busy shift.

The same goes for spending time with friends. I like going out for a drink or watching the football with a few mates and not having that as a luxury is something we all miss. We’re all human and we all have our struggles. We have our good days and bad days and we can get through this together.

The majority of us know the whole lockdown measures are to protect us and our loved ones and the more we follow the rules, the quicker it will take effect and lives will start getting back to normal. I know there’s people in more difficult situations at the moment, and my thoughts are also with them during this awful time.

I would like to take this time to thank anyone who’s a key worker during this Pandemic. Whether you’re a Doctor, Nurse, Carer, Teacher, Supermarket Worker or anyone else who’s been working during these past 8 weeks, you’re a credit to yourselves as well as the nation. You’re not paid enough to have this sort of stuff to deal with so once again, thank you.

A massive thank you once again for taking the time to read this. We’ll get through this together. Stick to the guidelines and you’ll be doing yourself, your loved ones and the NHS a huge favour.

Stay safe and take care.

We’re all afraid of something. Even if we care not to admit it, deep down everyone has a fear. Unfortunately in a lot of cases, fear can hold us back.

Like millions of others, I experienced bullying as a child. In fact, I can honestly say secondary school was arguably the least enjoyable experience of my life until the age of 15.

There was one particular person who I can honestly say made my life hell for about 3 years. He’d make fun of me for doing well in my school work, he’d physically attack me and would call me every name under the sun. Friends would stick up for me if I was around them but then he’d wait until I was on my own and go from there. I never really stood up for myself back then. I’d keep thinking that it would pass and he’d get bored and move on.

I couldn’t sleep, apart from Fridays and Saturdays because I know I wouldn’t see him. As soon as Sunday evening came around, I’d start feeling scared because I’d have to go to school the next day and start all over again. I would also literally be sick with worry, so not only was it effecting me mentally, but also physically. Yet even back then, I felt like I couldn’t tell like my parents, so I’d act like everything was normal and let the fear take control.

My parents found out eventually after my mother walked into my room and found me crying. I told them everything. As a result complaints were made, meetings were held and teachers kept an eye out for me, but he kept coming back for more when opportunity struck.

Thankfully, he was excluded in the end for a number of reasons. However, the mental scars remained and only over the past few years that I’ve realised that this effected me in many aspects of my life.

The experience meant I had zero confidence in myself. I did well in school, but at this time I wouldn’t speak up in discussions unless put on the spot by a teacher. I’d be afraid of putting my hand up when I knew the answer incase I was made fun of by people like him, and the same thing would start all over again.

The “fun of being a teenager” also scared me. I did have friends who I could have a laugh with but new experiences would prove be challenging. I would go out and play football, go up a friend’s house and play computer games but you get to a certain age where that gets replaced by spending Friday nights talking to girls and drinking cans, and this was a terrifying prospect for me.

Some friends would go camping on a weekend, whereas I’d stay at home and watch the telly. Deep down I wanted to be there but in the end I just couldn’t bring myself to go. To bring myself to talk to girls would be beyond nerve wracking. While my friends would be talking to them I’d just stand there silently, sometimes with earphones in, on my phone or I’d just give up and go home.

I’d get home and would instantly be down. When asked about it, I’d just say I was tired and go up to my room. There was even times where I’d cry because I was so upset with myself because I wouldn’t join in.

My confidence was pretty much non existent. I’d lie in bed thinking of what fun I’d have if I did join in, but then I’d start thinking of scenarios where things would go wrong and I’d be back to square one. My parents noticed this and my dad had the occasional chat with me to try and get my confidence up, but it would never work.

When I did have a heart to heart with them, there were a few things that came up which helped them understand why my confidence was so low and why I was afraid. Being rejected was one of them, another was just feeling like I didn’t belong there as if everyone would look at me and say “what the fuck is he doing here?” or they’d make fun of me. Deep down I knew I could do this, it was just my enemy overthinking and his best mate fear being in control and when I came to the age of 16 I knew something had to change.

I’d just finished my GCSE’s and used the extra time off to have some self reflection. I kept asking myself, “Do you want to keep hiding forever?”, “Do you want to miss out on the best years of your life?” The obvious answer was no. When I’d go to family parties I’d have the occasional drink, so slowly I was being introduced to alcohol. I just knew I had to get out there, be myself and realise the people who were asking me to go out were my friends and wanted me to be there.

To celebrate getting our results, the usual tradition would be to get a load of cans and go down the local football field. When I was asked to go, without thinking I said yes. My friends looked surprised but at the same time looked relieved that I said that I was going.

In the weeks building up to it, I was partly more nervous for this than my actual results. No word of a lie, the exam results were giving me sleepless nights but eventually I realised I wasn’t nervous but I was actually… excited. I couldn’t wait. For the first time I was going to be a teenager and enjoy the best period of my young life.

The results came, and I had reasons to celebrate. My parents were proud and I was relieved and I knew it was time to enjoy myself. I showed up, granted there was a few surprised faces but they quickly went away and I ended up staying out until the early hours. I had a few drinks, had a laugh and to say I enjoyed myself was an understatement.

From that point on, my confidence shot up. I went out more, eventually cans down the field turned into sneaking into pubs. Nights playing computer games turned into house parties and weekends in turned into weekends out. I found talking to girls easier and my whole life was just about to begin.

Looking back it looked so easy, but I can honestly say it was so tough however I was proud of myself and I wish I did it sooner. The “what ifs” and other fear factors are still there from time to time, but as much as I still worry I just think back to how much worse it was and realise that I can’t let fear win. In any situation where I had the chance to enjoy myself, my self doubt and fear of the unknown took over but there’s only so much I could take and I can’t begin to imagine what I’d be like if I didn’t stand up for myself.

There’s still many occasions where I’m afraid of the outcome, and that’s down to overthinking. It’s not something that will go away like a flick of a switch. However, I am coping a lot better than I did before, mainly through things like breathing exercises and/or talking about how I’m feeling.

We all get nervous and I like to think that everyone is afraid of something, but when your confidence is knocked it’s tough to come back from. It’s essential to let others know if something is bothering you. At the end of the day, bullies never win and we are stronger than we realise. Never give up.

Once again, thank you to anyone who’s gone out of their way to read this. It means so much and as I’ve said before, I hope this helps.

Be true to yourself and I hope you find the strength like I did.

Thank you and take care.

To accept the fact that I am suffering with my Mental Health and needed help wasn’t an easy process. I tried and to talk myself around with classic phrases like “Come on, get your head in gear” or “It’s just a phase” and tried to just “carry on as normal” but in the end my demons would take over.

Pride is probably one of the worst things about being a bloke. Sounds cliche I know but part of my growing up was believing that “men don’t cry” and it was “weak” to open up about your issues. For years I would cry on my own in my room or if I had any opportunity to be alone.

This refers to what I’ve previously described as “The Front”. No matter what I’d be thinking or how I’d be feeling, when I’d be with family or friends I’d be “fine”. I’d pass things off, try and be the joker or “one of the boys”. It was my way of telling myself there was nothing wrong and it would eventually pass. Eventually cracks would show.

My attention to things like work or simple conversations would start to suffer and when I’d be asked if something was wrong I’d put on a smile, say no and laugh it off or use some other excuse. I’d then go into a point of telling myself even more to “wise up”. I’d feel even more paranoid and anxious about showing weakness.

I was single at the time and found it very hard to be close to anyone as I felt that they wouldn’t want to be around me if my struggles were out in the open. I believed that I’d be a massive burden. I preferred being alone for long periods as I felt I wouldn’t be bothering anyone. I’d lie to people, which ended up pushing them away when I thought I was doing them a favour. Therefore not only was I not trying to find happiness for myself, I was also hurting others. Looking back on it, I feel ashamed of myself and cannot be sorry enough for the way I treated these people.

I’d also rely a lot on alcohol. On a night out I would drink very heavily which looking back was a very stupid thing to do. Sometimes, I would black out and wake up the next morning with no recollection of how I got there. That would make me feel awful. My mind would be all over the place trying to piece together what happened. I’d be furious with myself for letting me get into that state and cry because I was so ashamed of myself.

Small signs of the change in my behaviour would become apparent. It would get to the point where I’d snap when close friends and family would try and see if I was ok and try and help me. The same old excuses would come and go but I was a ticking time bomb until one night I just couldn’t hide it anymore.

I had a pretty bad week leading up to this point. Work and personal matters wasn’t going as smoothly as I liked and although I was at a very unhappy period of my life, to everyone else I was “fine”. As it got to the weekend, I had arranged to go out and watch a game of a rugby with some friends. I went out, had a few drinks, watched the game and we carried on into the night. Once or twice a few of my friends asked me if I was ok as they noticed I was more quiet as usual, I’d replay with the same old bullshit and laugh it off but inside my mind was going at 100 miles an hour. Fears and overthinking was taking over but I kept telling myself I was fine.

I wouldn’t say I was drunk but I had a few and was aware of what I was doing but all of a sudden felt I had to leave and get air. It felt like the walls were closing in on me, I was short of breath and just had to get out of the bar I was in. I went outside and as soon as I got out and caught my breath I burst into tears. As soon as I realised what I was doing I hit myself a few times and thought “what the fuck is wrong with me?” and tried to get myself together. Once again I was telling myself this was just a little blip. I’ve had a drink and there’s nothing wrong.

As soon as I got back into the bar, I sat down and within minutes I just burst into tears again, I ran out this time pretending my phone was ringing urgently and sprinted around the corner away from anyone who could see me. I was on my own, tipsy and with my thoughts – one situation at that point I didn’t want to be in. I was broken. Hysterically crying, frantically searching in my mind to figure out what was wrong with me, my old pal overthinking was having a meeting with denial, and I come to the conclusion that the only way I could be at ease was if everything would just “end”.

At that point, I came really close to doing something stupid that night. I thought about jumping in front of a car on the bypass, going home and finding something to make it quick but as I was searching for “the answer” thankfully a bit of common sense kicked in and I realised how much of an idiot I was being and decided the best action was not to go home but to go back in and keep drinking.

That was where I hit my lowest point. Within 10 minutes as my friends were around me talking, I realised I was the only one who wasn’t in a conversation, I looked around and I started crying. This time I didn’t go outside. A couple of my friends noticed and rushed around me I knew at that point I couldn’t lie to myself and those closest to me anymore. My one friend who I can honestly say is one of my best friends knew all along something wasn’t right, and they told me, to come with them and talk.
We went to their house and talked for hours. I broke down immediately and opened up about how alone I felt, how my work life was suffering, how I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be with anyone and how I considered taking my own life. They helped me put things in perspective by realising that people did care for me and that I needed help. For the next few days whether it was by phone call or text, they made sure I got to the Doctors and talked to my parents.

My folks sensed I wasn’t myself but couldn’t believe how bad things actually were. At first they were disappointed that I didn’t confide in them, but quickly understood once they heard about my insecurities and fears. The initial shock and disappointment quickly turned into concern and emotion. Immediately they offered support and also encouraged me to get help. That felt like another huge weight off my shoulders and further helped me realise that this was the way forward.

My friend is a tough cookie but honestly would be there for anyone in the drop of a hat and I can honestly say without the talk I would have done something stupid that night and wouldn’t be here now. That whole process made me realise that blokes do cry, can show weakness and we can talk about your issues. At the end of the day we’re all human and if we do bottle it up, it could end up in situations where you can’t contain it anymore like me in the bar or even worse do something you can’t take back.

Pride can be a misleading thing. Yeah to look after yourself is one thing but to think you have to be “one of the boys” and not be honest with your closest people and yourself is complete and utter bullshit. We’re in a changing world where men can be more open about mental health but there are still a lot of us who put on “the front” and tell ourselves it’s weak to show our struggles. I can honestly say, looking back and reflecting on my mindset, I realise it was a dangerous outlook to have and if it wasn’t for my friend, who knows what would have happened.

The song ‘Boys Don’t Cry’ from The Cure put it perfectly with these lyrics.

“But I just keep on laughing,

Hiding the tears in my eyes

Cause boys don’t cry…”

The song is about frontman Robert Smith’s struggles with masking emotion and loneliness. I found it to be my anthem to realise where I need to be and that boys can cry and if we don’t let out what we’re feeling we’re hurting our loved ones and most importantly ourselves.

This song was released in the 1980’s, a time where mental health was even lesser of a talked about subject. Yet Robert Smith (like many other of his songs) felt confident to confront his demons head on, and so many others still relate to it in the present day.

I dread to think what people have gone through in the years leading up to now. It’s scary that so many people hold back because of the fear of what others think. We’re still a long way off but there’s been some incredible steps that’s been taken in these past few years and the stigma is diminishing slowly but effectively.

Please seek help if you’re feeling alone, sad or struggling in any way. It’s easy to say I know but whether it’s professional or personal help, there’s always someone there. Acceptance is a vital part to recovery. This and the following two chapters all surround my acceptance of my situation and that this is going to be a long journey.

I still question myself whether if talking about my issues is the right thing. Is it showing weakness? Am I burdening others? Regarding my example from a few years ago, I came out of it with a clearer mindset that talking and confiding in others is the way to be, and that feeling some ridiculous sense of “pride” would only keep holding me back into a very unhealthy place.

I’ve also found happiness as I’m now engaged to a fantastic, kind and beautiful woman. I realised I can’t let the bad thoughts take control anymore and like many others, I deserve to be happy. We’ve been together just shy of 2 and a half years but in July last year I did one of the best things that I’ve ever done by proposing and thankfully she said yes. I’m very happy and don’t know where I would be without her. S

Besides if I try to hide it these days, I struggle to hold it in. It’s a good thing in many ways as it shows something is bothering me. My fiancée is an expert in spotting it so if I don’t open up, she’ll get it out of me regardless.

Also, if I feel very anxious about something my breathing patterns are quite heavy and I fidget about a lot so I’m hardly going to go unnoticed if I do try to pretend if everything is ok. Plus I know that drinking heavily is a very dangerous option. I still enjoy a few pints and a night out but I do watch what I’m drinking. If I am worried about something, I just make sure I do confide in my fiancée and either a friend or family member, therefore I go out with a clearer mindset, enjoy myself free of any worry and don’t take it out on myself in a negative way.

I hope my experiences are helpful for anyone going through a similar situation., really hope you find the right answers and find yourself in a much healthier place.

Thank you and take care.